So it begins:

I miss you above all the stars in the sky


So I must find a way to fly


I miss you friend more than sand


Every grain in every single land


I miss you more each and every day


To find you, I must make a way


You belong inside of my heart


Never far, never ever apart


I miss you more than the moon


You play my heart to a gentle tune


I miss you more than the sun


Of my friends, you are the best one


I miss you less when you are near


Every moment I wish you here


You belong inside my heart


Never far, never ever apart


I miss you like I've lost a hand


So pull me up and help me stand


I miss like I cannot see


I am blind so please guide me


I miss you like I cannot walk


With you thought, I will not be lost


You belong inside my heart


Never far, never ever apart


I miss you my memories clock


You hold my heart and the lock


I miss you my old and dear


Stay with me, just be near


I miss you my precious half


I want you always, to come back


You belong inside my heart


Never far, never ever apart

can you hear me
save me
know me again

do you miss me
love me
make it all right

will you kiss me
love me
find me tonight

will we break it
fake it
find a way to make it

we both sleep alone
on our own
in the dark, apart

I wish you goodnight
tonight
in the twilight

Most days I survive
But it would be unkind
And sort of rude
If I did not take a day
Or a night here and there
Just to grieve
For the heart
Ripped from my chest
And the soul
****** from betweeen my toes
They were mine
And they were stolen
A blessing in a way
But still my nerves
Are frayed and split
And send messages to a brain
Overloaded with drugs
And fill with pain
So tonight a grieve
One candle lit
And one sleeve barred
Goodnight I say
Goodnight you sleep
But you will rest
While my skin weeps

We write poems about losing
And then some about loss

We spew out all these words
And never counted the cost

We empty our hollow hearts
Into inked pages and on keys

But the soul we have begun forge
No one, in their right mind ever sees

We dance with pencils and lines to thin
But the bigger picture is unseen

So we must look and search to find
All the things that lay in between

You black iced bandit
Silver tip tongued liar
When you sleep
Do your bones rot
In the shadow of your sins
Does guilt not crush you
Runner
Fool
I have no hate
To send out into the world against you
You took my kindness as weakness
Now I do not even have regret
Maybe once, the earth said to the sky
Why do you hold all the stars
The moon chimed in against the night
Someone must hold them back
For we are not all made of light
I could of made you a believer
You had no faith in yourself
The person I poured my love into
Never existed
I am a giver
And you, a taker
A leaver
But you burn small
And I am the meaning of a dancing flame
You will drown in the waters
As my spirit passes over
Safely to other shores
I will say nothing
When my tears have dried
I will do nothing
When you raise your arms against me
Except pray
And the splitting of my lips
Is a curtain torn
Find me on the hill
When the suns goes down
For the third time
We do not say goodbye
Know the veil will thin again
I care not to play God
Only to hear his voice
Soft in the tops of the trees
Your ears deaf
To the cry of a good heart
Your calluses rough
To the work of gentle hands
Your feet burning
When you stand before the throne
The only one to claim you
Before the end
Is the earth
The most impartial of lovers
She too tells me
When I lay with her in the sun
The grass tickling my neck
Of the lesions you burned into her skin
Of chasms carved into her surface
By your bleeding hands
Yet, her and I
We know of healing
Our roots run deep
We do not fear the storm
And you will be ash in the wind

And really
How quickly
Can you watch time - go

Who is this imposter?
Who pretends to be me?
I didn't make those lines.
It couldn't of been me.

The girl I am is a healer
I have so many band-aids
I can't remember last night
To this pain I say, "I am afraid"

Shove your old self in a bag
Tie your mouth with a gag
Pretend to be real
Take it all, steal

Hide the reality
Put it away don't let it be free
Become another person
Pull a con

Are you here in this moment with me
The dew in the grass does not know your name
But it remembers you

Tomorrow, before the sun goes down
I will try to build Rome

The anger
It steamed out of my mouth
As screams in the night

Silence is broken
But I needed her
She was my sanity

A bitter trial
Leaves the taste of grass
On the tip of my tongue

The earth will one day
Cleave herself in two
Not until then will I make my choice

I am foolish today
I know naught of tomorrow
But I hope she will make me wiser

I am not one
To place my bets
On the end of the world
To put the wages of my toil
Towards the final
Breaking of the dawn
The sun may come up again
Strike no accord against me
And yet, if the darkness remains
I will be no richer, no wiser
Only colder in indifference
That you already see in me

You taste like forgiveness
If you know my name
Then you know my fears
We need not speak of such things

You told me you were an abandoned building
Left rotting in the sun
Elements creeping in
On your walls and foundation
Tearing down your roof and structure
I am not so
Come with me
I will show you myself

In the skeleton of my head
Ceramic figures sit
Silent, sentient
On cobweb shelves
Pictures of you hang on the walls
Nailed into a flesh colored wallpaper
*****, coffee stained carpeting
Leading from the attic of my mind
Down the back of my skull
Vertebrae circular staircases
Winding down and around
Through floors and floors
Of keratin wainscoting
Dusty shelves overcrowded with books and trinkets
Plastic dinosaurs and matchbox cars
A room full of doll houses
Plastic mommies and daddies
Driving four seater lithium battery powered doll cars
Cooking over two burner stoves with imitation heat
Playing pretend, I know this game best

Rooms with filing cabinets stacked up to the ceiling
When you pull out the drawers
Files and paperwork going back and back and back
Blue crayon bills of sale
Newspapers and emails color coded for different emotional reactions
Red folders with locks, chains, and warning signs
CAUTION FLAMABLE

Rooms empty of windows
***** of string for dust bunny cats
Baby teeth still tethered to the end
Strung between doorknobs and skeletons
The last flight of stairs
Leads straight down to a flooded basement
Salt water filling up cracks in the concrete
Bulkhead door latched shut
A femur stuck between the handles
You'd have to break a bone to escape

You follow your nose down passages
With markings saying 'connect here'
Finding comfort
In the smell of sage burning in between hip bones
Incense rising through chimney stacked ribs
Puffing out through a nasal passage

A few levels above
Curtains and blinds piled on top of each other
Trying to block out light
Pouring in through two blue tinted windows
Hollowed out, stained glass eyes

Mute little birds fly around in a tiny menagerie
Tiny parchment paper scrolls attached to their ankles
House arrest thoughts
Sometimes little rivers over flow
Down a façade of brick walls into little wells
To dry to hold wishes

In the right wing
Traveling down the arm
Little passage ways with doors
Swinging open and shut
Little electric trains blowing stops and whistles
Running around and around
Five little engines
Puffing out coal and smoke
Until they hole themselves up
In tunnels at night

In the left wing
Plates and dishes smashed on the floor
Ceramic shards rearrange themselves
Into mosaics and pictographs
Sliding around on metal tiles
Until they grind themselves into a fine powder
Slipping though the floor
Little skin cells flaking off the siding

Dry scratching noises echo through the tunnel
Back to the skull
At the very crown of the building
Rope makers work tirelessly every day
Stitching brown threads into the ceiling
Packing insulation tight in perfect rows
Until the rain comes in and washes them out
Trying to weatherproof roofing shingles
That act as if they are no thicker than coffee filters

Sometimes the power surges to quickly
Everything goes dark
Batteries overheat
Unable to remember which switch to flip
Which circuit breaker to fix
Which wires to cut, splice, and fuse the ends
Where to put the band-aids so they will stick
Until they get wet
A four battery chamber transformer
Inducting molecules, protons, electrons
Gassing up to restart
Not knowing which end goes to which side
How to get the cover back on
So I don't electrocute myself
Fry the circuits, start a fire

I end up
Sitting in the dark, alarm blaring
Emergency sprinkler system going off
Making puddles of tears
To drown out my fears
All wired up
Overloading and burning out
Turn the wind turbines on
Let them dry up the mess
Blowing fresh air through stale lung chambers

The ache in my stomach refuses to part with me
Empty shelves in the pantry
Don't cry over spilled milk
Tear up, when there is none to spill
Empty glass jars sitting in boiling water
All jammed up
Refusing to cook
Because one time
The gas was, accidentally
Left running, on the burner
Fear is a smell I would prefer die without tasting
A tasteless life no sweeter

I close the doors.
Oaken ribcage of my halls swing shut.
Hinges creaking under the strain
I remember why
I don't let anyone in
It's to cold in here for me
To quiet for them
Hating how I feel
When left lonely
Without a friend
If the dark is all I now how can I fear it
I am not near it
Becoming what I always knew I was
Not a single cut above, or below
Not a mark uncounted
I am the one who makes flowers grow
On the inside of the earth
Down below
Down I go
To dance after death

Plead guilty
For my innocence
When I am mute
I have a bad habit
Of forgetting where I am
Map of skin
Freckle islands sinking
In a pool of sweat
Salty oceans
I have no way to cross
Bridges of arms
Crumbling in uncharted waters
Mast of spine
Scoliosis of will
Tethered ligaments of indifference
Rails made of keratin
Clinging together with
Iceberg cold hands
Tearing apart
A home built
In this cave
A hollow cavern of chest
All that is left
Climbing Incan temple steps
With leviathan limbs
Up the ribcage of my back
A tower with two windows
One doorway in
I have never found a way out
Pulling vines down
Over my ears
I don't want to hear
Music anymore
A trap door tongue
Under the floorboards of my teeth
Lips nailed in submission
Captive, it won't let me out
I have no leverage
Against myself
No femur to pry
Into an iron heart
Veins and arteries wrapping themselves
Around my humourous
Metacarpal judges
Presiding over a court of ligaments
There is no connection
Cartilage sentences, unspecified
How harsh, how long
I tell you
I am innocent
Guilt tears me apart
The gavel falls
Greeting the back of my hand
Bones break
Calcium powder
Mixing with marrow
I am innocent
I am broken
I will heal

You were moss thoughts - growing on the trees
In my mind - just a garden of weeds

you can listen to the radio
and hear all the songs
but it won't drown out the noise
of what is screaming inside

Mine will be a child's poems
About kings and mice and cheese
Asking for a book to help me along
I was going to make a copy
Of a story I once heard
But these words are from my own mouth
Reading the words off the screen
As the music fills my ears
Hope and nothing?
Hope and stars?
Really?

Is there more to come?
Could I make it mean something?
About God or life or dreams
Questioning each word as it appears before me
With furrowed brow and small smile twixt chin and nose
Now that you explain
Do I understand?
Oh my soul

Your words are sharp
Like a two edged blade
The people I hurt
The choices I made
The words you speak
Are not set in stone
But if you speak anymore lies
You will stand alone
And it is my death
You will have to atone

You were born from your mother's religion of peace
You came from your father's belief of war
With a rosary in your hand for your sins
And a bullet clenched between your teeth to remind you of both strength and weakness
Every battle you fight with your hands is nothing
Compared to the war you wage against yourself

In the dark I am an elf
Hidden by cloak and dagger

In the light my eyes will glaze
And ears will fade
And voice will change

In the dark I am an elf
Covered with my hair so long

In the light I am just human
I am short
I am real

I will turn you into poetry
Because that's the only way
I know how to cope
Every word seems to seal my fate
It is to late for us
I never deserved you
Nothing I do
Will ever earn your love
I'm sorry
~
I wondered for the longest time
If you had died
If your family would tell me
I know that's a horrible motivation
~
Now I wonder
When I passs
If you will remember my soul
As it was with you
Or how terribly dark
It is without
~
Only one of us
Will be burdened
With 'what ifs'
In the end


------------------------
'In the end
As we fade into the night
Who will tell
The story of our life'
-Andy Black

If I told you
I wanted to rip my skin off
I don’t know
How you would look at me
I can be naked
Not vulnerable
Know that when I say this
I have already
Been tearing myself into little pieces
It seems I have been trying
To get the words out
For a thousand years
My throat is full
Of all the things I did not say before
I sit here at the bottom
Of a hundred mountains
I will never climb
A hundred birds come and tell me
Of the beauty on the other side
I ache for something I will never see
I am too tired for the journey
My feet too weary for the path
My bones will not hollow themselves out
I am still empty
What a weight it is

Cover me with your wings
In this embrace
I will feel as you have felt to fly
As you learn a young, cloudless sky
May the sun kiss you even sweeter if you depart from me

Oh silent wet and milky wash
Running down a glassy face
Doll like features and cold lips
Gently dropped by God's hand
A gift of rain to tomorrow sunshine
Little rivers winding through
Tell me I can still live without you
A poets remorse and empty words
The thoughts he said but no one heard
Could you just listen to a humble story
Could you just watch me cry
My invisible tears and speak silent words
Read my lips and kiss my cheeks
Red. Tears. A potent brew
But is it enough to sting you
Like a shaft from a bow
Like an arrow you pierce my soul
Like a stone from a sling
You leave me to fall
In empty shallow waters
Drowning in but a few inches of sea
Invisible tears on steel cheeks
Rusting as I start to weep

There are unlived parts of me
I will bring them to light
Even if only for myself

I remember you and your devilish smile
All the night we stayed up and talked
All the hours in the morning when we cried
I remember your smile how it grew and when it faded
I can see you in my head
But I wish you were with me instead
The thought of you in anothers arms
All but breaks my heart
But I don't have to worry
Cause you loved me from the start
But if I were a poet I would soon forget
How to write the lines like the ones on your hands
The ones that held mine and kept me warm
Then ones my parents grasped as we were torn
But its okay the know see the light
And we can be silent through the night
The day will come when I don't have to remember
But that is far off a distant November

I remember you and the light in your eyes
I remember you among all the other guys

I have always believed
Those who break others
Deserve to be broken

Now here I am broken
Because of how I did you

I'm sorry
I'm so sorry

My mind in its lazy moments
Always finds its way back
To the thought of you

While some would trade
Their soul through bars
For just a handful of cigarettes

And other lost stars
Fall from the sky
To give the earth just one kiss

Yet many still run a ragged race
Through streets of memories
Only to rest forever in the cold dirt

I cannot help but ponder
That maybe like how trees try to graze the sky
You would let me grow with you

And such as dew kisses the grass at dawn
You would greet me in the morning
What a sweet sentiment is this

Like a shooting star
Running through the heavens
Such as this, I run to you

An elder tongue once told me, you are my delight
The island knew, for the earth never forgets
My own tongue found herself ******* in knots
Will I find these shores again
The isle of the blest
A cathedral for souls, still fighting without breath
The ale will speak, through the mouth of a drunken fool
You wait, on deity foresaken shores, for a mist that will never rise
The sand knows more than you, yet the salt water draws it out beyond hearing
The monsters in the loch sing prayers so ancient your tongue would tremble at the rasp of their words
Will you take your chances with a ******* son of the gods
Singing a gaelic hymn for the nords
Is your thirst quenched by hel fire in the fjords
The old country knows you, to her you shall return
To look in her eyes, inlet of wisdom
Her emerald secrets stare back at you
The cairns of the kelts are sturdy still
Will the faeries bless you
It is a fool's blessing too
Feather your tongue, so your words find flight
This is irish magic, kept in the stars at night

You still amaze me you running *******.

I scream
It hums through the air
On the backs of razor blade wings

I scream!
It catches in my throat
And pulls my heart out with it

I SCREAM
My woes
Into the night that bore them

I SCREAM!
My anguish is such
All will unwittingly now know

i scream
A futile rasp
Noise is nothing, when follows death

I scream
Still you do not hear me
A broken heart is not a quiet thing

Take me to the darkness
In the middle of the sea
Drowning is nothing
When you live your whole life free

i stay
because
i fear
if i leave
for just a moment
this will all
just disappear
if it is gone
then that is the end

Will the roses
I lay on your grave
Wilt
Before they become
Petals in the wind
With my broken promises
Will these stones be skipping
On the shallow waters
When you are gone
And I begin to break