stuborn is the sun rising and setting, bringing forward time whether it is welcome or not. a cautious word, don't be so empty as to live in an echoes range hearing the past talk to as if it were present. Don't be so full not to be able to swallow your own pride.  do not wait for the right time, it is unsavable, time.

Way down in the Water, I
   stand still.
As you want me to,
   as Always.
Hide, and Survive.

Tired, so exhausted I
   am now.
Don’t mess it up, just no,
   would you?
Slip, keep silent.

He ain’t got no good,
  he ain’t got no right,
he ain’t got no chance,
  to pick on my Brother.
Make it easier.

Take a good, nice sip
   of you.
It will never, in a long time,
   be enough.
Slowly, be aware.

You just can’t see it,
   can you?
He just wouldn’t listen,
   would he?
You need no to ruin.

Dream it Beautifully, with
   no sense of dread.
Tend a Rabbit, get a
   Garden full with pretty
softy things and,
   you’re with me.

Have it come true, please,
   in a world like this,
with a guy like you,
   in so many ways, I
somehow speechless.

Help, live it out loud
   please help.
I want this I want this,
   life could be so cruel
Still, with you I am
   safe, as a sleeping
Child in a cave.
   You’ve found me.

Because I got you and,
   you got me.
We got each other.

As Innocence fade away, all
   you have left, son,
is guilt, and there’s no
   turning back.
Unsavable, this time.

The very Scent of her
   takes away the
Smell of the Bunk House.

Shut it, don't ever,
   you can never lay a
sight on her.
   Take it in, for it’s
Not just another hell
   I’ve given you.

Mean to be lost, him,
   alone from the beginning.
Can’t deny so,
   you choose to destroy.
Loudly, **** him.

I think I knowed from
   the very First.
Thought I could stop, but
   it happens anyway.
Run, not again.

Love me, if you’re still
   capable to do it.
As all these time, you
   know what is the
Best for me,
   don’t you?

What’s now, I’ll listen,
   I really will, and
have them Remember
   like I never have.
Leave, let’s not.

As you want to,
   As you want me to,
As you want me to want us to,
   Choose, to see
the Truth in you.

You hear it, can
   you see? Just, close
Your eyes and imagine.
   Bang.

Trying to find my way into you
I let you have your way with me
Begging from my knees that
All I want is you
Am I so unlovable because that's true?
Am i Unreachable because you don't touch me the way you used to
Unsavable  trying to stay afloat
These seas of turmoil and lost hope
Unforgivable when words cut straight through
Leaving  us with these open gapping wounds
No use talking when words fall upon deaf ears
No use crying when you've seen so many tears
Dreams are made of clay when they never quite come true
Am I so unlovable when all I wanted was you?
You lift me up just to watch me fall
**** with head like its nothing at all
Why dont you just hold me baby the way you used to do?
What makes my lonely heart feel this way?
Have we become impossible to save?
You get close to my skin and
I reach to touch you but
You wont let me in
Why wont you surrender?
I'm the only one left when your day is done
And yet my heart bleeds
As I become so unlovable to you

I lied when I said that I fell in love with you.
No.
I leaped.
I dove.
I
Jumped.
I threw myself right off that edge and made it look like I fell.
And now I'm so damaged from the crash,
That nobody recognizes me.
They can't ID the body.

Now I have no one to blame but myself for this pain,
For the cuts
and the bruises that come with loving you.
My heart,
Is unsavable.

When you think of me I hope that you smile,
not think about how i suffered for a while ..
I'm sorry I couldn't get better
This is my suicide letter...

Please know its not your fault you never could've known
but this sadness has lingered far too long and secretly had grown.
I couldn't tell you tho, cuz i didn't have the heart,
i couldnt bear to see it in your eyes when i told you we would part.
Don't ever think that you weren't enough, i swear you almost saved me.
But this world is so corrupt, please know that i love you baby...
And mother don't waste a prayer on me, I'm unsavable.
I tried to help myself but I'm incapable.  
No meds no therapist no ******* psych ward,
Nothing could save me not even your dear Lord
Your unconditional love was unbelievable
Your kindness and big heart, unbeatable
And to my father, I know im appearing weak
I'm sorry I couldn't be strong like you raised me to be
You showed me discipline but also affection
It's not your fault I took to this direction
To my sister, you were always there for me
I was psychotic and you made me feel accepted and free
I will never forget how understanding you were
But the rest of my life feels like a ****** up blur
To my brother, you protected me and were my inspiration
Teaching me what you knew and your beautiful dedication
I couldn't have asked for better surroundings to grow up by
I know you're reading this and asking "then, why?"

I dont even ******* know...

There's no way to explain this empty pit in me
There's no end in sight to this dark misery
I'm surrounded by loved ones yet i feel alone
I feel darkness deep inside and cold to the bone
Let these cuts release the demons that have made me this way
I'll be free from this world before tonight turns to day
The world will keep spinning and nothing will change
My soul will be free as just my body remains
Be happy for me cuz I escaped the dark
And now i can stay peacefully in your hearts

Thank you all for trying your best
But now i must go, and put my soul to rest

Strength is irrelevant.
A tolerance for pain only shows you're used to it.
To be honest,
I wish I felt a little bit more,
So I know I can still feel.
But self harm is a no-no.
And anger towards others is as well.
So what do I do?
Do I prowl the streets looking for victims?
Or do I sit in the closet,
Hacking at my wrists,
Trying to sever my connection with reality?
Do I silence the pleas for help?
Do I scream louder?
Is someone drowning trying to keep me afloat?
I hope not.
I'm not really worth the effort.
Slipping beneath the waves,
May be just the release I require.
So if you're trying to help me, don't.
You'll end up with lungfulls of water,
And a regret you couldn't save the unsavable.

When opens a new page
time and space
breaks in the middle
When opens another
The whole world
Collapses

Layer by Layer
When we peel off every day
Our world
-unsavable space
breaks and collapses
indefinitely

Every tomorrow
Our world
is doomed to fall in
a trap of
infinity

。。。
。。。

I hate this so much
When I haven't been numbed
By society's icy disposition
And nothing has told me I am horrid
Or that I am nothing
I'm feeling again
And the feeling isn't dread

The forest of fears
Has captured my heart
It has told me
I can do anything I want
Just as long as I give up my mind
With only a blink,
I say no
But I wonder if the Forest knew I was feeling again
So just in case, I wasn't feeling it
I should start feeling pain.
But I hate feeling, I hate that I am vulnerable again
Even though I have always wanted someone
To save me
But I am unsavable
Because I am my own soldier
Who is so ******* tired of feeling

some days the warrior
some days the worrier
and i'm never more
unsavable
than the days your
absence hits the hardest -
when everything smells
like you, and i hear your voice
the clearest and the
soundtrack in my head
is the alternating verses of you
telling me you love me
and telling me to use a sharper
knife next time -

these are the days
i find myself the
most numb,
trembling, aching for sleep,
for an escape from the pain
that comes with missing you
so deeply
even after all this time.

I want him to love me the way one loves
a whimpering and
neglected dog,
with pity and
with worry and with
shame. He will find me
in an alley, shivering and
shaking, hiding from the rain.
He will coax me out from beneath whatever
discarded scrap I am cowering under, he will wrap
me in a towel or blanket or his jacket, something - anything - warm.

He will carry me home, to his home. He will place me
by the radiator, turned up to full. I will curl up
beneath it, still shivering, still shaking, while he goes to the kitchen in the
hopes of finding me something to eat.
He will rummage through the
fridge trying, to the best of his ability, to recall
exactly what does
and what does not
**** a dog.
"A lot." I will say. "More than
you think." I will say.
And he will just smile and bring me
something that doesn't.

I tell him I will not live long. He could
do anything and I would not live long. He says he has
forgiven worse sins. I tell him I
hope he never dies. He tells me I will
be disappointed. I tell him I love him. He says I love him
the way a whimpering and
neglected dog does,
desperately, painfully, with a need and
a hunger found only in children and
anorexics. He tells me
he loves me too. I tell him
I am sorry. He says he has forgiven
worse sins.

He strokes between my eyes,
a gentle spot, designed only for soothing something
to sleep. Perhaps by morning I will be
cured, my whimpering ceased, my shakes subsided. I will
run through his house, tail wagging, while he smiles and
laughs and drinks his coffee. Or perhaps there
will be no change, perhaps he will have to drive
me to the vet and have me
put down. Perhaps he will want to. A mangy thing, sick and
diseased. Irreparable.
Unsavable. Perhaps he won't need to. Perhaps
by morning I will
already be dead. But
for now I will sleep, warm
and fed, a hand soft between
the eyes.

It's one in the morning
And I am still thinking about yesterday
The way your hand held my waist
gripped onto me like no tomorrow
And now I'm away from you
Three hours is far too long
When can I spend eternity with you
It's four in the morning
And I am still awake
I was staring at my roof
Think of our future together
The one you promised me
And my phone has just gone off
It rang twice before I realised it might have been you
I picked it up and answered
without looking at the caller ID
'Hello?' I ask, longing to hear your voice
There was no response
For a moment, I paused to think
He always tried to say hello first
'Hello?' I ask again, thinking it's just a trick
a sob
a broken cry
It was his mom
'he's gone'
no
no
He can't be
I just saw him
We just kissed
I can still feel his lips on mine
His hand on my waist
hand holding mine
I must have been telling her no
that she was lying
because she made the point very clear
through her broken sobs
'he's gone.'
I don't remember after
I think I screamed
yelled possibly
But I know my sister came into the room
scared out of her mind
I think she tried to hold me
I don't know because I'm outside now
It's raining
I can feel the rain
The trees are so pretty
I can't feel my fingers
I think I'm still screaming
I don't care anymore
Everything is dark but bright at the same time
like static
He never liked the sound of static
I guess I don't either
I don't know what day it is
My mom has told me it's been a week
His funeral is today
I need to show
I need to get ready
Get ready to see what is left of him here
She picked out a dress for me
The one he gave to me
I told her I needed to shower
I rid myself of this ick
I lock the bathroom door
Don't bother turning on the fan
I open the cupboard under the sink
My fingers graze the empty board
Then land on the smooth metal, hidden from everyone
I have not done anything since
since
Since he kissed me, scars
every onI
I turn on the shower
a bit too hot for comfort
But it's okay
The sting is a good one
i promise
I start drawing on myself
over the old scars, the ones barely visible now
And the ones that you can't not see.
Maybe they'll look away now
What a horrid beast
One that he loved
I erase the feeling of his hand on my waist
It's all I could feel
well i guess
not anymore
The way he touched every part of me
It's all I could feel
she a push harder
The sting is what I deserve to feel
I'm the one who should have told him to drive safely
Maybe then he would have put on the seat belt
When he held me still
As his fingers grazed my skin
everywhere and exist
I can't stand the feeling anymore
I try to scream
But nothing happens
Everything is silent
I can't speak
I have to get ready for his funeral
shampoo
I need to do that
My hands sting when I put them on
run it through my hair and down my body
soaking into the open skin
Staining the shower floor red
Imagine staining it red
I'm dizzy now
I guess I should have thought of that before
He said he'd love me no matter what
till death do us part
He feared not once
because he said that when I died, he would join me.
But he's gone
So maybe I can see him
I step out of the shower and out of the bathroom
walk past my mother as she bangs on the closed door
calling out my name
There's no use, my dear.
Don't you already know
Call him, and he will have better answers than I
I don't know where I am other than by his side
I turn around one last time and see her in the bathroom now
The hinges are broken on the door
She's cradling something
a piece of her life she held so dear
****** and unsavable
But at least we all know
I stained the shower floor red
because his favourite colour was red
because I wanted to see him
because I am walking with him to our hideout in the forest
because I am with him
And he is with me
Life is not worth living
without my soul by my side
And he was my soul
As I was his
He called to me
and I
listened