"semblence" poems
I awaken to find my mind either a complete blur, a fuzzy, foggy place, or a place of a maelstrom of thoughts, ideas, and emotions, some from the previous day, some from even before that. Electrifying anxiety, paralyzing fear, crippling doubt and depression are the orders of the day, when I fully awaken. I eat, then take my pills, to get my thoughts in some semblence of order. I go through the day, feeling trapped by problems my medications cannot control. I find myself either blaming everything and everyone else for said problems, or ripping out my own entrails as I blame myself - one extreme or another. I have visions, dreams, hopes of success, but then my depression, or whatever it is, kicks in, and wipes out those dreams, reducing me to a mess of shattered hopes and dreams. This is why I spend most of my days on tumblr, where people see me for who I am, but even there, people judge and discriminate against me, for whatever I have. On tumblr, I have friends that I roleplay out various characters with, different personalities, sometimes variations of myself take shape. Tumblr is the only place where I can seemingly have a reality in which I have control. The Internet is my portal to reality, my line of defense against what could be described as agoraphobia. But I still desire the company of people my own age, physically, rather than electronically, but I do not have the same interests of most of them, and am scared to death of doing so. The very thought of meeting a large group, or even an individual, sends me into a panic attack-like state, then I fall quickly into a state of depression because of that. I hate myself for that anxiety, the awkwardness I have. Loathe is the correct word. This is why I hide behind a computer screen. It may not be perfect, but I find it easier to interact online. I do not know how to translate how my characters act to my own actions, as some have suggested for me to do. I have been told that I need to choose to get out of this hole in which I am trapped. It is a struggle every day to even get enough energy to care, much less try to get out of the hole. The only way out is by climbing a steep cliff, covered by snow and ice, cut by the howling, bone-chilling wind, with only two hooks, in my hands, to claw my way out, fighting the falling snow and ice, occasional rock and hail, sleet too. There seems to be no place to make a camp, where I may rest, only the long, arduous, grueling climb, my vertical trek, my seemingly Sisyphean task that awaits me. A choice that may seemingly **** me. People have suggested that I turn to the supernatural, but that is a fool’s bet, a folly of hope, a wish of the people who build their castles in the sky.
Dec 2, 2013
Dec 2, 2013 at 2:46 PM UTC
Life, will take your hands and break every tendon in your fingers
Life, will rip your fingernails off like the 12th ticket in Stop&Shop;'s deli counter line
the cold, dead selects you purchase by the ounce for weekly lunches remind us all
of the patience we practice each day
Patiently waiting in line patiently waiting to buy
He's waiting for her to text back and she is waiting for her heart to attack
She's been hearing the war for years now, gunshot reminders and grenade bombers explode through her bloodstream to haunt any destiny of peace
We want you to be Okay
everyone wants some semblence of comfort but there are needles in my eardrums
the music isn't piercing me anymore
I miss notes and sailboats streaming into me
I know where they are but my fingers are limp
Life will numb your fingers
so when your mother buys you gloves and hats on your birthday
muster the golden mustard stained napkin in your heart and wipe the selfish tears
A piano is unrealistic, that opportunity passed years ago
Be thankful for the very light reflecting off of the silverware, remember
Life will never be simple or fair
you will always be here but wish you are there
Sometimes you will feel like nobody cares
and that's alright
nobody has to care
except for the gremlins that live inside my hair
Dec 8, 2013
Dec 8, 2013 at 10:40 PM UTC
Trust, honesty
And mutual respect
Are these things
We forget
Or things
We neglect
For our friends
We attempt
A semblence
Of intent
For our lovers
We invent
Illusions of
What's best
Jun 2, 2017
Jun 2, 2017 at 1:16 PM UTC
your eyes are pearls drawn
they sing to me from deep beneath
any semblence of light
the water glimmers gold above
like the sun has has cast its lot
and waits for judgement day.
sweet and fair we call our loves
and sweet and fair they be
but when the knotted limbs grow rough
it's the sea that waits for thee
and take your crown of stars
and see it fits your head
for when the the stars come toppling down
that's all that shall be left.
more precious to me
than all the pearls in the sea
were your teeth, laughing.
Jul 18, 2012
Jul 18, 2012 at 3:40 AM UTC
diaphanous....
are we...
in the bigger
reality...
mere wisps of
fragility....
our thoughts...
the epitome...
of self indulgent
verbosity...
creating...
the semblence of
sodality...
in the
spinning...
duality..
of the
mediocrity
versus...
creativity
paradigm...
apparent
in all of nature's...
sublime...
totality...........
Mar 17, 2014
Mar 17, 2014 at 4:34 PM UTC
chasing yellow brick roads
leads only to windmills wound around
over-ThinkHearSee-ing
till eventually you find nothing
but faults of your own and the doubts
which trickled up now reversed to waterfalls
cascading upon old hearts to freeze any semblence
of feeling
wait
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You will love
Again
Dec 5, 2016
Dec 5, 2016 at 6:42 AM UTC
there is a perfect semblence
between the forest and the trees
when you see the world
as the world would see it.
Dec 28, 2016
Dec 28, 2016 at 10:44 PM UTC