A trip to rotgut
I rode my horse in to a town called Rotgut
As I rode up the main street I looked at the old saloon.
The doors was closed to traffic for some odd reason it wasn't noon.
I notice at the front of the sheriff's office a hang mans plank.
For today, they were hanging billy boy Taylor.
Rotgut was a mean town hanging was a weekly thing. But today there would be no.
For my guns would blaze to save a man in rotgut.

I want to be a **** up
Hooked on every drug
Drunk every night
A wasted life
******* anyone
Willing to make me ***

I want to be a leader
Of the unhealthy
Lifestyle

There's a ****
To my madness
Needle in my vein
Powdered nose
Think I'm going insane?

I want to be a leader
Of the unhealthy
Lifestyle

One night stands
Behind garbage bins
**** faced drunk
Passed out
****** on
Pool of *****
Pass the rotgut
I need another shot

I want to be a leader
Of the unhealthy
Lifestyle

"No one ever said I want to be a ****** when I grow up"

Well I did
I do...

*Sleep it off in the gutter
You *******

A Tale of ****** Excitement by Herr Barty Maulwurf

Often **** tales of my past I am writing and sometimes they are a little rude and porny but now I will try to be only slightly profane at request of new friends I am making everywhere. This tale very sensual story is, told by master storyteller (which is me). Filthy bits included. *Danke sehr.

Although I so much hate repetitive to be, Barty Mole must as always apologise for his occasionally slight errors in English-writing as he writes the English language not so very top-class (but he ***** English girls' tongues lots and likes them his tonsils to wipe so good). I (me, Barty) am German person but special type of that because as I are half-and-half black/white (not striped or even top half white, bottom half black, but mixed-up goldene-brun colouring), by this I must explain mein Papa was black US soldier in Germany who did enormous number of bouncy-bouncies with various ladies including meine Mutti (note to monoglots: this means my Mummy) - who was part-time Lili Marlen type tarty number, great **** and much-used **** - for tinned milk, coffee, ciggies, silk stockings and comfy underwear with soft non-scratchy gussets for once instead of unlined which tickle *****-*****, also she was a major sort of a ****** in her day so combined business with pleasure, and why not, we got these bits under our ******* so use them or they dry up (so thinks der Barty.). Also please you will remember black market utterly rampant in post-war period because the kind ****** Allies smashed my beautiful homeland (Germany) to little bits and then guess what even worse Russkies came and stole anything leftovers and did mass rapings of anyone with two legs (or less, in fact easier as poor tarts can't run away), but my Mutti ran and avoided Ivans, she not any kind of idiot, not going to give it away for free, and not liking cheap rotgut ***** anyway. Also Russkies never wash bottoms-hole so not much fun in the sack with smelly-bummed Ivans.

Nowadays Barty (that's me) am not so young, indeed now out of work living in Hamburg (home of inventor of hamburgers, Herr Wendi McDonald-Burgerkoenig) but I remember some super **** going-ons from mine mis-spended youth and middle age, my God I was a right goer, make no mistake about that, I had more lady friends than most people have hot luncheons mainly because I inheritated huge lovepole (23 centimetres, well over 9 inches in UK/US measurement style) from my dear Poppa, God rest his swindling soul. And ladies like the big bronzed stick as ramrod lovepole, you bet your fat wobbly ***, dear reader, 100% sure.

As often I say to my multitudinous readers, I never accept that it is only top-class ***-event to make love-humpings between male person who is in all one piece (full complementing legs, arms, naughty pieces etc etc) and lady who in similar state of repair (2 legs, 2 arms, 2 boobos, back and front naughty areas also) so I shall now recall romantic interlude with one-legged groupie I am meeting at rocking Konzert in Berlin with famous German group DIE TOTEN HOSEN (this means "The Dead Trousers" look them up on Google you think I am joking? no, German musicians have great sense of humour and also almost for free get to **** a lot of birds).

This story are total true, swear it on Mummy's honour (big joke, what honour I hear you said out of side of mouth, but watch your manners please or I smash you one in your effing gob) this not so explicit as usual so much apologies to filthy pervies wanting cheap smuttings, you come in wrong place (*******).

So now here we go with telling of how I got on good and ***** with one-legged lady I meet in bar of Grosse Konzerthalle in Berlin after we go from Konzert by Toten Hosen - noise so fickende loud we not able to hear each other talk as we total deafened for at least 1 hour, so just wink over bar to each other and Robert is dein Onkel.

I digressed - when I saw really pretty girl at bar with **** three-inch bolt through her lips and I think, WOW, if she got so much metal in her face, what the Fick she got in her *******!!!!  I notice she leaning against wall, I think she a bit drunk but I find out she only got one leg and it's because she has only one leg she would go falling over if not lean on walls. Never mind, I think to myself, I'll try this out for size, in for a pfenning (penny), in for a pfund (pound), except now it's in for a cent, in for a euro which sounds naffs. So we have several dozen beers and a couple of schnapplis and she is good fun, laugh at all Barty's filthy jokes and innuendos and then, out of blue, she says with naughty giggling, "The night is young but we're not so effing young and when you have any more beers you don't stand up, fall flat on handsome face, and not able to get great big ****** up me to shove it", WOW I thought, this is some forward one-legged piece of work. So no more further ado and we jump in taxi (pay 50:50 as Barty is gent and refuse to allow her pay whole fare) and go to her place.

Hildegard is her name and she was pretty good looking bird, great booboes, narrow very **** waistlines, very cute botty sticking out like great big pair of rubber footballs, but let's be frank, liebe Freunde, her main claim to eternal fame in Barty's immense ***-memory bank was the leg-stump, only one of them she had. She tells me missing limb result of accident with vicious bacon-slicing machineries at LIDL and I not like to probe too deeply, because I leave the probing up to my 23cm (9 inch) lovepole instead.

Thus we had many love-makes that night and I got to find her stumpy-thing quite **** in weird kind of way, very smooth skin on it and odd colour (purplish) too. Only problem of was hard to do it Alsatian-style as she topple off bed and me with her, especially since we have many more beers down hatches by that time. Never mind, make up for this with very high class (FIVE STAR!) "neunundsechzig" (German for 69 just in case you not understand)! WOW she utter hot stuff in oral department store. Her tongue like starving St Bernard guzzling the bowl of nice fresh spring water on hottest summer day in century! Swallow everything, stray hairs and all.

Also Hildegard very noisy lady when she does the comings, which Barty likes very much indeed. Like demented demon being bashed around her head with three-metre long metal crowbar every single time she gets one off, she screamed. "Ooooooh, ich komme, ich komme, ach, ja, ja, ja, ja," she shrieks GOOD & LOUD like fat Wagnerian heroine with immensely red hot poker up backside-hole (which not far off the truth when Barty gets stuck into his fabbo ***-rhythm, like whirring up and down piston on Mitsubishi motor tricycle). Even allowing for drunken prematured senilities lapse, I happy to recall seven times for me that night and maybe twenty for her, WOW, what a filthy one-leg hornbag!

We meet a few more time for repeat bonky session but never so good as first time round, but that's because Barty sober next times, nothing new in the history of love there which is very philophical pensée. Also Barty's interest in the leggy-stump waned a bit after a couple of weeks.  But Barty has good live-action photos to keep his memories warm, WOW, they are some totally hot ones! I know Hildegard must have the equal happy memories of old Barty, bet she never saw such a big ***** as his ever again (NB: 23 cm lovepole)!

Mit freundlichen Gruessen
von Ihre
Bartholomew Mole (=Maulwurf)
(23 cm brown lovepole)

Once he was my constant companion,
I loved the way he soothed my soul,
took all my troubles away
& we played continuously,
frolicked hand-in-hand
throughout many a long night.
But the mornings always hurt,
I'd wobble and stare at the bloodshot eyes
staring back at me in my cracked ***** mirror,
my parched throat usually speechless,
until I finally
sang his swan song.

I met me a gypsy somewhere South of Poughkeepsie, and this hobo from Hoboken offered me his creased hand in a token of friendship.
We travelled out West in Box cars,made some dollars selling jam jars,slept under lilac trees and drank rotgut from the river bars.
Down in Kentucky we got lucky with diamonds,drew a full hand at poker,smoked Cuban cigars,spent more than money in bars and blew the whole *** on showgirls.
Then hobo got sick and he died awful quick,it was the pox and the rotgut that took him,but hell we had fun.

terror is a friend
a close one
the kind of friend
kind enough to warm me
away from the things
that might **** me

like places where people
are real people
not rotgut drunks
stuck in the mud
like me

the real people are the nightmare
without them
i wouldn't see what i don't have
or can't have
or shouldn't have

but the terror keeps me safe
drink up it says
then maybe the real people
might get blurry
and look more like me

then i can pretend
that i am them
that is what the terror
can abide

Rain, ride down the river
  and pass me by.
I'm gone out to deliver
  my rotgut rye.

There's children at the rope swing
  this first of June.
Up in the church, they're hoping
  he'll finish soon.

Rain, keep right on goin',
  and should you see
them solemn faces showin',
  kiss them for me.

There's an emptiness inside of me
That I've been doing my best to avoid

Words used to fill the hollow spot
As deeply as the humans I once knew
But slowly they all slipped out
And left a bottomless well
That burns like rotgut whiskey and ulcers

There's an emptiness inside of me
That I choose to ignore

I take my mind off of it with small adventures,
Afternoon beers,
Late night cocktails,
Early morning ****** Mary's
And whatever semblance of interaction I can procure.

There's an emptiness inside of me
That I've been trying to ignore

But it has grown vicious teeth
And jagged talons
It tears me apart from the inside out
But you'll never see it on my face
Or hear it in my voice

There's an emptiness inside of me
That I've done what I can to ignore

But the emptiness inside of me is mine
And I'll walk with it to Death's door.

Desperate times for desperate men
then relaxation time with a cup of tea,a
glass of wine or if it's handy a
snifter or two of the finest brandy but
I have drunk electric soup,scooped it up,
swallowed it down,plugged into the main
and become one of the totally insane.
In the shallow end you defend against the night,
paddle if you will with can,
just call me the rotgut man.

When it's all a state of mind it looks so easy to unwind,
it's not.
The rot sets in as the sun rides out and the twilight shouts my name.

I've chugged bottles of the finest wine,
guzzled gallons of rotgut whiskey,
smoked bowlfuls of ethereal herbs,
& swallowed lots of strange pills
& I'm sorry if I hurt you,
it was never my intent.

I'm just hell bent on
******* things up,
it's always been my way,
but I will always love you
when you don't love me,
promise.

No one gets the credit
that they're due
not me nor you
it's a fukin zoo out there

I think Bernardo Soares
shares my view on this,
you can kiss goodbye to the
how, where and why
and get used to the
red line through
everything that you do
a fukin zoo.

No one told me when
the World turned upside down
I was so busy spinning
my frown was still a frown
and thus it was,

and now I have a shotgun
and
rotgut for my friend
the end will come
and it
will come for you
it's all the same
in the fukin zoo.

Withdraw your labour
fuel the fires?
it
all tires me out.

I like the way my hands look like in the light of a fire,
I think.
It could be the drugs, or the drinking
Or sleep I haven't been sleeping,
But every year,
When winter has gone, and spring stands defiantly ahead,
I am reminded of this,
I like my hands,
In the light of fire,
With a good bit of dirt on them,
And a jug of rotgut wine in them.
I like the way my hands look in the light of a fire.

Feeling that feel good
it felt good to give a new pound coin
to an old beggar,
but then I didn't feel so good,
what if
he bought drugs with it?
or
what if
it was spent on drink?

then I felt better
how many drugs could a pound buy?
and how much alcohol?
unless it was that lightning cider krap
and even then a quid wouldn't get rid
of the thirst in a gnat
so I felt the feel good until,
what if,
he choked on his cheap rotgut
overdosed on a shot
put
that in perspective

would the feel good factor
factor in my defence?

I don't feel so good now.

When nothing's as good as anything
there's no point in us knowing everything
not when something is
bound to appear.

I have faith that good fortune will find me
before the rotgut I drink totally blinds me.

Saturday and the Saturday smell,
fresh and inviting
I shall dip my toes in
the weekend,

but it's windy and the wind's always greedy
it sees me as in need so it feeds me
with fingers of ice
which is not very nice,
but I go where the wind tends to lead me.

Christmas and Santa'***** the sherry
it's no wonder he always looks merry
his elves help themselves off the
bargain ***** shelves
because
some things are as good as anything.

An elegant finesse
& O what love they share,
it's so very complex
like a fine wine.
And with the grittiness
of rotgut whiskey
& his wanton demeanor,
he loves tender-moment kisses
swallowing her petals
& absolutely
craves her
beautiful simplicity
she exudes.

Waiting somewhere in the wings are things we
never talk about,
walk out on,
things that don't sit comfortably,
helplessly but not hopelessly we
move along the lines of life where fate or
indeed, fates wife can comfort us,
we look to futures not yet set but
can't see them,
yet we look ahead.

Blue eyes turn red,
was it something that someone said?
someone in the wings being fed your
own ammunition?

And over,
over yonder hills after
twenty seven thousand pills and countless
shots of rotgut gin and years of counting
mounting minutes or the treading of the mill,
there's still someone waiting in the wings
or something someone never brings,
and somewhere I never talk about
I keep on walking out.

dressed to mask this scowl
painted it bubblegum pink

poured my three finger shot
of 100 proof rotgut to drink,

no ice for a chaser required
as all my inhibitions shrink

naughtiness envelopes me
willpower slips off the brink

my sights set, the target you,
you shall be mine with a wink

in the armor that you sport
feel me slide passed a *****

craving the heat of naked flesh
races pulse, stimulation in sync

resistance is futile, ***** the rules
time to feel with no time to think

I've been to that place.
The place of the unknown,
where I've been so ripped,
I can't remember a thing.
And pondering what got me there,
I haven't a clue.
Was it pain.
Was it joy.
It certainly wasn't the taste
of rotgut whiskey.
That liquid burns your throat
& makes your face contort
to forget things.
And who would want
to forget happiness?
But it did.

In order to feel that,
one must eschew dog
in favour of cat food,
install a ski lift,
give short change and
shorter shrift,
paint palindromes
torch light garden gnomes
take out pay day loans
and skip town.

It surely follows on that
when the day has gone
the night appears,
and owls eyes scan the
fields for mice.

I have nine lives
used up one
and twice I've nearly split
from number two,

it's the catgut or rotgut
or the garden hut for me
where no one sees the
madness in my eyes,

there's only reflected light
in these cats eyes

Did you ever want to ride on the range
wear a tin star
be a cowboy?
no?
strange
I did.

I wanted to rustle some beef
take them across the Rio..
shoot it out with
Lee Van Cleef.

I wanted Rowdy Yates
to wait for me
wanted to drink sour mash rotgut
in Tennessee,
see the Mississippi and
cry yippee ki yay,

not to be
except
on the TV.

The snow swirls around a cold room
Iron in my stomach
I'm burning up from the rotgut
Open a door to invite the flurries inside
Embrace my shivering limbs
Cool my throbbing stomach

Words come to me like spirits spilled across an ouija board
subliminally controlled and full of promises
we both know I can't keep
Whispers into the crimson contents of upturned bottles
Screamed into a porcelain bowl soon after
My body is dying
my organs are organizing a union against me
they demand water
less *****
maybe a walk around outside every once in a while
I find myself wrapped in a comforter of my own *******
I'm letting down my body
and so many other things
handed so many things
and failing to do anything with them
I'm a shell
I can't seriously think about anything
I can't seriously do anything
I have nothing left

Done for the day
and I'm sure
that I have been.

It'll be catgut or rotgut
that gets me in the end

They say,
never give a sucker an
even break and I take
that to heart,
if there's one born every
minute
that's a lot of suckers.

Find me in the classified
under certified.

I'd gladly take the 28 days
outa the ways of everyone
if only to get on
with myself.


to find that happiness
is a draw on a state of mind
impossible to understand
how my mind found it
but find it
it did.

Now to get on with it
forget the *******
and enjoy every moment.