This is Not Glandular - Dan O’neil


I don’t use excuses. I never liked them.
The people who say “they were born this way”.
Husky….Stocky…. Big-*****…
Let me start by putting your minds at ease.
This is not glandular. So, i am not a fat man..  
I am a FAAATT man. And i am **** proud of it!
I am proud of this body.
I chose to be this size.
Chose a body as BOOMING as my voice ,
with the softness to counter my sharp tongued words.
Chose puppy cheeks,
so my grandma will always have something to pinch.
Chose hands that look like hot-dogs glued to a baseball,
because thats really funny to picture.
I chose to be a mountain of a man,
just incase any ladies were feeling adventurous
and wanted to hike to the summit.
Trust me, this is not glandular.

I chose this body because of the women,
because the ladies love the funny fat guy!
Because any girl who won't take me if i'm fat ,
is not anyone i'd want if i was thin.
Because I am 230 pounds of cuddling,
bearing down on you like a force of nature,
and there is NOO escape from my snuggling.
Because i am a teddy bear,
whose heart is on “E” and desperately awaits the next woman to refuel him

I chose this body because of the FOOD.
Because there are 6 meals in a day.
Breakfast,brunch,lunch,siesta, dinner ,and the taco bell drive thru.
And theyre ALL the most important meal of the day.
Because just like lonely , ***** ,and angry. We all get hungry.
Because my mom told me that some people show love by cooking.
So i got cookies instead of hugs, meatloaf instead of kisses.
And fried spaghetti sandwiches, replaced bedtime stories…
And i cleaned my plate every time because it was all i can do to say.
I love you too.
I mean i never knew my dad, and Rick.
Rick was never the hands-on step father.
Unless you consider the occasional slap on side the head.
So food became my surrogate fathers. Kernel Sanders and Chef Boyardee
Became my models for manhood.
Which explains my obsession for weird hats..

I chose this body because of 7th grade PE
Because if just one fat guy is confident when changing clothes
it makes others more confident, because dodge-ball is a ****** sport
so who cares if i get knocked out first? Running the mile is TORTURE!
But so are the jokes.. If the fat guy can't finish.

I chose this body,because other people not liking my body is not a good enough reason for me to change it.
So to the bullies, the lunch ladies , to the women who NEVER gave me a chance.
And the football coaches who berated me with insults. To the jerks and the jocks
And the doctor who joked when i stepped on his scale. To Rick and Kernel,
and ANYONE who ever used F A T as an insult. You can do what i did for the last 2 decades.
of my life doing. YOU CAN EAT IT.

Because i love pies,  i love hamburgers ,french fries ,and lobster, and deep fried twinkies
I love me some rice-a-roni and salisbury steak, microwaved burritos ,
cooler ranch doritos and ice-cream , the kind that you push that had Fred Flintstone on it.
I love cake. I love everything about who i am and the life i get to live
No. This ..is .. not ..glandular. Its just fat .
And for the first time in my life. Im proud of that.

makin coffee in the French press
- sippin the hot coffee
- takin the red line to class
- finally singing after a long time
- looking up & realizing I am existing in Chicago
- feelin good
- knowing I will always stay who I am
- incorporatin the word "truely" into my daily thoughts in order to inspire myself into being true with everything and truely accomplishing everything for myself
- textin my mom and saying I love her
- textin my dad and saying I love him
- sendin my journalism teacher a thank you email
- textin my choir director a hello text
- texting Roni and loving Roni all the time
- stopping on the street and breathing and feelin the air around me because I'm alive
- havin this same feeling tomorrow

Soycorn, rice-a-roni-what is all this baloney?
Genetics don't scare me none
GMOs sound like they could be fun.
Only thing that ever worried me
Was first cousins marrying on the family tree.
Now that's somethin to get your knickers in a twist about
No doubt we haven't seen the end of this come about.
GMO, HMO, what do you know
Where will it go?

the night i
first
found out he
might
be sick it rained.
i ate manhattan's favorite
rice-a-roni
and tried so
hard
to feel something
to be fair i was very
upset
but i didn't feel it.
all i got was a
headache from
forced
tears and a
sleepless
night.

three months earlier
near the time of my
birthday
i was having a terrible day
per usual,
when i received a birthday card
in the mail.
it was from my sister and on the
bottom of the card it said
from:
then their names followed
but in the biggest
font, right underneath the rest of their names
was his,
'Elijah,'
written by his own hand.
I
smiled
at the thought of him
smiling
while writing that.

To Ellac, I bequeath a nifty hat trick:
     The Treaty of Margas,
        Which Rome will probably now
          spit upon,
     The Sword of Mars,
        Once taken by your unscrupulous
          cousins, the Vandals,
     And Esperanto,
         For talk around the water cooler.

To Dingizich, I bequeath my Alexander the Great
     Commemorative plates and the Gaza Strip
         --have fun with that one.

To Emak, I bequeath the Goths
     --Visi, Ostro, and Joy Division.

To all my remaining children,
      I leave you a year's supply of
      Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat.

To my many, many wives, too numerous to count,
      I leave my fingers and toes
      Or a portion thereof.

And to that one particular wife, you know who you are,
      I bequeath the title
     The Scourge of God.

Clandestine words and actions that triggered
What could have showed
To be a past nearly forgotten
Or wanted to...
This embodiment is gradually deteriorating
They know, they can see right through you.
Roni.
Is this an excuse? Or is this a fault.

I
Like
Maca
Roni

You’re sweet tea and alcohol and the faint smell of smoke
You’re late night phone calls and ****** memes and whispered apologies
Because no matter how hard i try
I always end up saying the wrong thing
You’re cheesy pick up lines and bad tv shows and pasta roni
You’re deep breaths and silent air and soft spoken words
Because calm seems to be something that radiates off of you
Not because you’re always calm
But instead because your presence seems to have this intense calming effect
You’re oversized shirts and hoodies and kids movies
You’re little giggles and yawns and late night stories
Because you became my whole world in the blink of an eye
You sent my own existence into a whole nother system of thinking
You’re galaxies and the sound of waterfalls and star watching
You’re reassurance and safety and the idea that i can be happy
Because no one ever seemed to care about me the way you swore you did
I never wanted to have to let you go
And i certainly never thought I’d have to try to sleep without your voice on the other end of the phone call
You’re drinking on school nights and trying to sleep and insecurity
You’re heartbreak and empty promises and knowing i’ll never get anything better
Because even though everytime you tell me to leave or leave me on read
I still crave your presence and voice in the dead of the night
I’d let you hurt me a thousand times just to get one text from you
But i’d much rather slowly inch back into your life
I’d rather be stupid inside jokes and trust and someone you want to be around
I’d rather send you memes and listen to your stories and occasional phone calls
Then have to watch you walk away
You’re the bad and the good and everything i want and everything important to me
You’re a group of things that constantly bring your name to the front of my mind
Because most simply you’re you

I can be this body in this chair
I can I can
I can feel this weight of myself
I am I yam
Lighten into whimsical lyric
"Green eggs and ham"

I lean and drift and sway
reaching for play
so clenched away

All else is harm and noodles
maybe rice no roni
with too much salt

remembering singing
i can't get up there
song

Sung in this chair
finding thru weeds now
wet old things that sing