I never actually saw myself writing one of these but here I am at 4 am doing it. I was about to sleep but then memories came flooding in and all the feelings came back with it; the love, the hate, the lust, the pain, but most, the disappointment. I kept asking myself, where did I go wrong? I’ve blamed myself over and over and over again for the fact that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You see, I made myself believe that I was the one at fault. That maybe you got tired of how clingy I was, or, of how much I cared and how much I’ve invested my time in you. That maybe I was too much, like, I called and texted too much, I wanted to spend time together too much, I wanted to hear from you too much kind of thing. We had so many plans together. We even talked about marriage and our careers. So it makes you wonder how somebody can be all about you one minute and then ignore you the next. I’ve tried to solve the mystery of how, you and me went from being in love together to me being miserable. How all the promises that you once told me vanished the same day you decided to leave me, and how I was in constant pain and you were ok. How you went from being the sweetest guy I know to this guy I don’t even recognize. The cold hug and the awkward gaze, the short kiss and the small talks and how long before you left me I already felt we were drifting apart. Cos you see, I was still hoping I’d wake up one day with you right by my side telling me everything was going to be ok, that we were going to work things out and that you still wanted to be with me. Because I was still hanging on to every promise and all the plans we made.
I was so fixated in the idea of being together forever to the point that I didn’t even realize I was ruining myself in the process of trying to fix something that was already beyond fixing. I was still trying to mend things back together when you’ve already given up and I still kept going even after you left me because I still believed that we were for each other. NO, you made me believe we were meant to be together, you kept on feeding me empty promises that I made a fool of myself. I was so blinded by you that even when my friends told me I do not deserve somebody like you I still chose to defend you. It was like you locked me in a cage for your own amusement and decided to throw away the key to make sure I never got out even when you didn’t find me amusing anymore. And as if that wasn’t enough, you came back right as soon as I was moving on. You came back and begged for a second chance saying you made a mistake and no matter how much I tried to refuse and say no, I gave in. Everybody warned me about how it’s going to end just like the first time; but just like the first time, I believed in your empty promises again. I chose to defend you and gave you the benefit of a doubt. For once, I was happy again, but that didn’t last long, because this time, you left without any explanation. You left without a trace and it was like a de javu. Long before I know it, I was back in the same black hole that I was in when you first left me; but only this time, with hatred in my heart and questions in my head.
I was young and reckless, but you, you knew better. You knew better than to toy with somebody’s feelings. You knew better than to keep giving somebody false hope. You knew better than making somebody believe in empty promises and you knew better than pushing somebody away just to drag them back whenever you felt like doing so for your own happiness. I had so many questions in my head where I thought my head was going to explode at one point. I spent countless nights talking to your pictures crying myself to sleep asking you things that I would never get an answer for. I left my room in the morning with the fakest smile just to get back home and cry under my sheets. I was like a broken record, did the same things, day in and out and read through our conversations over and over again. Playing back the day we last talked and tried to make sense of how it ended this way. How one beautiful love story ended tragically, and how one fairy tale turned out to be a night mare. I spent days, months, years, trying to survive from what seemed to be an endless and hopeless battle. I kept pushing people away as soon as they get closer for I was scared that if I get too close, I will end up getting hurt again. I kept on trying to forgive myself for not being the best when I was with you… Tried to forget all what ifs and should’ve beens and all of the maybe’s. I became too vulnerable and too naïve to realize I could find somebody better. I beat myself over the fact that the forever that you we’re talking about weren’t with me and that it will never be with me. I have spent countless nights staring at the ceiling listening to love songs trying to lessen the pain wondering when it’ll end. I cannot possibly put into words how it feels to have you shatter the dreams and hopes that I once had for us. I was at my weakest and you’ve made me so vulnerable and yet I was still hoping you’d come back to me. I was alive but it sure felt like I was dead inside. It was like you took my soul and locked it somewhere far away for me to look for. I couldn’t recognize my own shadow and started pairing my reflection to the colors of imperfection. I felt like I didn’t deserve to beloved, and that I deserved you hurting me. You ripped me open and left me bleeding without any signs of recovery. You, you broke me…
Despite this, please do not worry for I will be fine. I will keep my head held high and I will survive. While I am hurt, please know that I am not angry at you for you have shaped me into a better woman and have thought me so many. One day I will stop saying sorry because I will realize that loving you too much and that me trying to build a life with you isn’t something I regret. I will forever be grateful for you taught me the value of myself. I tried to live a new life because you took all of my strength. You made me feel small even without saying a single word. And even through all of this I still wish you the very best and that you will finally figure out which direction is the way you want to go. And most importantly, I wish you can look back to what we had and admit to yourself that what you did to me was wrong and immature. I wish that no other girl would experience the pain that I felt while with you and after you. That even though you were standing I was left lying in a black hole and that I deserved more than promises and excuses. That I deserved more than all of your apologies and being left in the dark. But don’t you worry for one day I will get over it all. And lastly, I want to say thank you… Thank you for knocking me down, picking me up, making me cry, lying to me, laughing at me, fooling me, and for hurting me; for if it wasn’t for you, I never would’ve realized how amazing I am and that I am worthy. I never would’ve learned how to keep myself together and mostly, I never would’ve learned how to love myself and so for that, I thank you.
