//

The definition of thot [that ** over there], via Urban Dictionary

A woman who pretends to be the type of valuable female commodity who rightfully earns male commitment—until the man discovers that she’s just a cheap imitation of a “good girl” who is good for nothing, and definitely not for relationships or respect.

If women are products, then thots are cheap goods. More than that, they’re knockoffs: low-quality merchandise that attempts to masquerade as luxury items.

They generally dress in cheap clothing, try to act like they're better than they really are, or think they're not ****** but high class when they're nothing close to classy. They demand respect, money, gifts, dates but do nothing to deserve any of it because they have no self-respect, no manners, low self esteem, little education and on top of all that they are thots because they have no self worth.

//

he called me a thot.
the same blood-boy nightmare who bragged about his ******* and double cup. too cheap to buy actavis generics, so he drank himself into a stupor on walgreens brand dye-free cough syrup. he acted black, said words white boys shouldn't have near their mouths. his friends were ableist at the best, and misogynist at worst.

he called other girls thots too.
but i was different. stick-and-poke told trans king who told american spirit who told blood-boy what i confided in a friend. a story that ends and begins with my tears, tears from gagging, tears from telling my mother about the worst three minutes of my life and how my knees and heart hurt afterwards.

i embodied thot.
left my family for friends, joked about the pain until it hurt even more. i found myself crying in bathroom stalls, looking down at my body in the bathtub as i learned to breathe water. the girls said i was thick, i didn't know if they meant it in a good way. the boys said worse. i wore camouflage pants, comme de garçons tops, air force ones. i jumped on trends like a wild cat stalking prey. but i could never catch anything worthwhile with my soft, clawed paws.

he smiled like he was better than me.
after blood-boy stunned summers and winters alike, burned spring and fall, and for what? to call me a thot? i knew what i was to him. but he didn’t define me anymore.

he called me a thot.
and this time i fought back with my eyes, didn’t just sit there and feel words welling up inside.
because even thots are queens.
because i used to be deciduous, but now i’m evergreen.


//

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Never saying that I officially have those, to be ficitious,
Cause I am breaking and pushing all borders.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
In school labelled as the kid who was mischievous,
obeying orders, so ****** disorded.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
hating social interaction, dark thoughts, labelled as malicious,
Still loving hobbies and education, still ambitious.
Suffering from Undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Behaviours yet still suspicious,
is it undiagnosed mental illness and disorders, that are tralatitious.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
From Depression, Suicide tendencies, Autism spectrum and ADHD,
Taking medication that suppose to help, clearly does and doesn't.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
From Depression, Suicide Tendencies, Autism spectrum and ADHD,
I don't say am like every other who suffers from mental illness or other disorders.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Obesity isn't always a disorder,
A Small part of obesity is generics or health conditions,
A large part of obesity is the choice based upon society.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Laziness is a mental, gaming is now a mental illness,
Kids that want no job, nothing to achieve, no physician needed,
Kids thinking that they are doctors, internet search and diagnosis,
believing in self taught self hypnosis.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Childhood, I was very precocious,
Leaving friends, family and parents, Ferocious.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
behaviours of mine never when unnotice,
Angry was always explosive,
Never been seen for the symptom shown, never reaching an prognosis.

where's the rain-man? where's the rain-man? where's the rain-man (comparison)? oh wait, in the interpretation of art by feminism: successful artist... house, wife, children... no... chauvinism's interpretation: desolation, desolation, car-boot sale for the rich at sotheby's - or nietzsche the inspiring thought in benito mussolini's mouth.

after edging to provide legal guidance
for the turkish shop by exposing the
legal balance worth a public bench
enclosed in the turk's caravan,
i became known as mathias del rado
(turkçe parçaladı), deltore, de amore (amoré)
bull's charging eye amore... olé! amoré!
que sera, sera... c'est la vie... well,
i do enjoy drinking and pretending to have
my shadow partner in ping-pong
always win... but why would i need to
feed a common consensus of drinking /
****** who masturbated prior having
the scalpel into the soft kangaroo hand-replica
when society eagerly sells and taxes the stimulant?
they criminalise the escapees of reality
ranging from classification A, B to C...
alcoholics aren't even categorised as D... we're
the troupe labelled Z... yet we're the most
economic addicts, we don't deal with shady
warlord economy, just dull political economy...
the two disparage when one shoots you
in the head and the other talks about an opinion
being free from dialectics... an opinion
free from dialectics (akin to shelling,
bullets whizzing past) is what entrenched
the germans and the english in belgium.
loved the film Ida (2013) though, an oscar contender,
not really black narcissus (but that's not the point),
english language movies can't ever capture
the purest existentialism of loneliness,
the way Ida was shot, black & white...
the poverty of the landscape, the Hopper like
moments after serious moments, honing
on the stasis of the the world and movement of
beings... the way one went back to the nunnery
with the truth of being spared by her family's
killer who purposively dug the grave and gave
back the remains of his butchery...
her aunt's suicide that was almost a secondary
comedy of the everyday shattered vase
in dialogue: i'm sorry, i broke the vase,
but did anything happen to you? no...
then there's nothing broken! the way she did her
final routine the last time,
shagged drunk, woke up and forgot it wasn't
her father, took a bath, turned on music,
got dressed in a jacket, but nothing beneath the waist,
and just jumped out of the window...
the music continued playing, the camera froze
on the scene as an infinite number of things
could have happened... then the nun Ida
embodied her nun, took to wearing heels,
a dress, showing her hair, drinking *****
spiralling in a window-curtain, smoking,
embodying her last remnant connection to a past
of jewry, imaging whether she could live out
the temptations suggested by her aunt...
she ****** the saxophone player and while
in bed she asked with dogmatic undertones
of useful regime instilled in her from early on:
and then? and then?
'a dog, children... and after that life's problems,'
he answered her.
she woke early and donned her nun outfit
and with a sense of courage retreated into
the convent. i mean, a great film...
but then mr. turner came up:
painting used to be so expensive,
all the necessary chemists to give aquamarine pigments,
poetry used to be expensive too,
write a poem, send a 100 men into a godforsaken war...
now technology has enabled painting
to be cheap, so cheap that graffiti tagging with spray
does the trick on a concrete grey slab of canvas...
and so poetry has become cheap too,
emotions have cheapened, people do not really
have ennobling emotions that might quake
100 men to go to war... perhaps 10 down the pub,
but war? not really... but it still leaves me detached,
admiring vintage cars from the 20th century on the driveways,
the way the familial cars dwarf trade cars (white mini van, e.g.),
for example the *mercury 1956 montclair 4-door hardtop,
or the ford zephyr zodiac mark ii "lowline" saloon,
back in the day when people didn't make their life
compact, when girls modelling where the day
of modern day pornstars rather than shaped like coat-hangers,
and when people didn't make their life compact
and holiday resorts from mexico to kenya to australia
also compact in terms of their generics of cloning.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Never saying that I officially have those, to be ficitious,
Cause I am breaking and pushing all borders.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
In school labelled as the kid who was mischievous,
obeying orders, so ****** disorded.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
hating social interaction, dark thoughts, labelled as malicious,
Still loving hobbies and education, still ambitious.
Suffering from Undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Behaviours yet still suspicious,
is it undiagnosed mental illness and disorders, that are tralatitious.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
From Depression, Suicide tendencies, Autism spectrum and ADHD,
Taking medication that suppose to help, clearly does and doesn't.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
From Depression, Suicide Tendencies, Autism spectrum and ADHD,
I don't say am like every other who suffers from mental illness or other disorders.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Obesity isn't always a disorder,
A Small part of obesity is generics or health conditions,
A large part of obesity is the choice based upon society.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Laziness is a mental, gaming is now a mental illness,
Kids that want no job, nothing to achieve, no physician needed,
Kids thinking that they are doctors, internet search and diagnosis,
believing in self taught self hypnosis.

Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
Childhood, I was very precocious,
Leaving friends, family and parents, Ferocious.
Suffering from undiagnosed mental illness,
Also talks about other undiagnosed disorders,
behaviours of mine never when unnotice,
Angry was always explosive,
Never been seen for the symptom shown, never reaching an prognosis.

i'm just a body reduced to talking about
treadmills and counting calories,
i might as well be a budgie trapped
in a birdcage running the motion of carrying
forward a mile, yet standing still...
the famous 1980s angst against being schooled
is gone with joy division and the smiths,
i'm into placebo's cover version of bigmouth strikes
again anyway... seriously, i'm like a modern
day don quixote, but instead of windmills
i'm facing adversaries that are on treadmills:
keep it up and they'll turn you into hamsters
powering the whole ****** gym,
or that's what you should be doing,
don't get me wrong, i used to pump iron
on the weights for ***-appeal... **** me did that
prove to be a farce: bulimia didn't feel roman
empire rite of passage enough;
but i'll admit, squash is a funnier version of tennis,
it's like two people playing a one-man game
of hitting a ball against the wall.*

darwinism isn't really an existential
anaesthetic, it's like a cancer
given the body is a history,
thanks to darwinism we're all
berry foragers in a forest of
whims and pampering of exacting circa;
i just loathe this objectivity
of cool being implanted in me:
so why would i pre-date cloning
with analogous generics of feeling
to make me into a bog-standard mr. smith?!

Perspective is everything darling.

Anything you put work into you begin to hate and anything you put money into you love, so its a constant cycle.

I was a mad independent individual and you broke me down to be a weak dependent among other people.

I loved feeling something new.

The stories I used to respect and look up to were becoming my own, even if they weren't much.

Always put your well being, career, and dreams before any person or thing. Your life comes first and that perfect kind of love comes after.

I hate feeling helpless more than anything in this world. Even in the small moments when your feet dangle while you're riding passenger with a person you don't know very well and you're having to laugh at every awkward topic the driver brings up trying to start a conversation.  'It's polite' is what you've been taught but whatever happened to a deep conversation right off the bat?  Whatever happened to meaning and opinion and stories and not just a casual small talk everywhere you go? I want to be told something that will make me remember you. Tell me about the time you got so drunk you ended up sleeping alone in a field and the stars were the only thing that mattered at that moment, there weren't any other issues to cloud your mind and your bottle of bourbon made the best companion. How you had this unexplainable feeling of living in the moment, like nothing else could ruin your peace.  I don't want to hear who won the most recent game, I don't want to hear about the current event taking over the news channels. I want a story.

Some friendships come together quickly and you wonder how you hadn't known this person earlier. They meet up and get all intertwined with each-other and go crashing like a comet, burst into the ground and destroy everything in sight. Some are gradual friendships, the two can spend time apart but still grow together over time. I call these perennial friendships because they will return every year.

My dad was always a big hairy question mark sitting on the couch. He watched brave-heart, liked old westerns and cheesecake, was an Elvis Presley fan and liked cars. Fast old cars. He loved God and hated Obama and his views were oh-so traditional that sometimes you wished you knew why. You wished you knew his whole story but he kept everything private. That's all I know about him and I grew up in the same house as him. 20 years together and that's all I could tell you. There was apparently a lot in his past and he didn't talk much. When we went out to eat we could have a full meal in silence and it wouldn't feel awkward at all. I was told I took after him in a lot of ways and one of them being that I was an extreme introvert. I called into a radio show when I was 8 on fathers day and they asked what celebrity my dad reminded me of, "John Wayne" I replied. The host sounded surprised to hear an older actor, "and why is that?" he asked. I gasped for some more breath because I was so excited I would hear my voice on the radio, "because, he always says, "thatll be the day"". There was an eruption of laughter on the radio and when they played it I blared the stereo so my dad could hear.

As I got older I sort of hated and loved when I would see patters in personality occur between my mother and I. I used to make fun of her laugh and her hair by calling them witchy, but then I noticed once I was a little older that I had both of those things and that I loved this description at the time. The sound and tone of her voice was another, I made fun of her for being a northerner but never pronouncing a G at the end of her words; "Goin, movin, talking, we'll see without pronouncing the break, so it sounded like well. I would catch myself pronouncing those words in the exact same tone and I'd say to myself *******.

Money is a trap as much as it is a tool of freedom. With money you can do whatever you want as long as you continue to make it, and making money can become a trap within itself. Without the need to make money constantly you can have the freedom to do whatever you like but without that money you are limited with what you can do with that time. So if time itself doesn't slap a pair of cuffs on your hands, money will.

I don't like playing games I like winning them.

I'm talking about defining our own personal generation, if we were to define our generation as a general whole it would be dubstep, iphones, social media, and street-culture wear. But we are an almost underground type of generation, alternative I guess. When the generics of our generation are going to sleep we are rising, with our Acapulco, our records, our high life tall boys, and our ink. The wolves come out at night.

I want to play piano on your black flag tattoo. I want to sit around the fire and watch you howl at the moon. I want to lay my head upon your chest and hear your heartbeat pace I want to sit back in your bed and watch the sun illuminate the place.  

His favorite song was Tom Sawyer by Rush but he reminded me more of a HuckleBerry Finn. Rolled pant legs, straw hat, and barefeet everywhere he went, always on the go, always yelling and dancing and even the way he smoked a cigarette was attractive to me and only me. He had a James Franco look about him when he was cheesing. It was those smile lines around the eyes, it killed me. He ruined the look with a head full of hair he was growing.

Rushing anything is never a good thing, good things take patience.

Glossary of generics, favourer of all merit, ****** to detach detained editorial.

Some come in softly, hard heads take big splats. Lukewarmness salts thy unfruitful earth, where newborn births are stars to their own mania's, Cranium's go connected! Stretched parsels to broken fibula's!

Moralist preachers teach to the misbehaved, can you account for the thousandth day you've encountered?

For the slaves you've made out of your own bloodline, you've lost much of your own commandments you lowly persuationer!!
Old partied savourer!!!

Dissatisfaction finalizes all authories where glory is none, cheatings no more fun? Haha for you can clap your solid hands to gentled tears, for missing years are operetic in cower and palate!!!!!

Wake yourself to thine nail, strike one time with a mallet for all reasonings gone, gone, gone . when its you that has lost,

When its thy world who hath won!!!

you... you really can call certain
                       ethnic generics, authentic i.q. mimics.

nothing bad about it...
some people have lost
the credibility of authenticity...

in that:
    there's a "hyper-inflation"
of origin... subsequently
guise(d) by a necessity
to mimic, craft replica -
subservient to their
     reproductive "agenda"...

there's nothing bad about
mimics -
   but then there's the world war I
style inconvenience of
plagiarism, and the:
in between the entrenched:
no man's land...

thank god that heidegger
allowed the distinction
between the
volkhaft (populist)
volklich (communal)
                                and...
   völkisch (folkish)...

   i'm pretty sure, that the latter?
is the only exclusive sentiment
within what, the former could
be fathomed, within the confines
   of globalist inclusiveness...

would the mimic culture
even comprehend the goosebumps
sensation, listening to folk
music of, an european tinge?

really?
   something akin to richard parker's fancy
translates, like
that fashion statement in the orient,
of donning schutzstaffel uniforms?
"aw in goo' fa'... nnn"...
  
        perhaps revisiting the moon,
would do humanity some goo'...
                   devil might know...
devil might care...
                       or whatever came about
with the O, omicron impetus behind
the "name", hidden...

      or what became the lost Δ in
either good, or god...
        go! goo! schpread! blobby!

        nabla (∇) + delta (Δ) = magen...
        
the rest?
          ah...
                          should that even
matter, after this was written?

RaCee+RayyeeS
COUCH ALLENS

Jan 4

to imnetbks

GodSent Speaks Observant

Diversity Entries Rephrase”RaCe-Rays”

Evangelical leave behind close weirdness

Shame lucre pusher countless on-air living audiences

Grown miracle generics in generational churches of

Several hundred baptismal “Parade-Preaching” renewal

Fire often HyperIllustrations proven the

HyperAddict-Adds Of God….; Recycling providence subtle

Sustain millions notion influences agreed soulserves service

Technology…; Breakthrough stamina drilling comforts member

Western Europe And- itch growing substantial environ inspired

Reconcillers…’ Potential passionate praying home blueprints

Sharing up…’Advance the believed networth recovery

Peacebrow flurry prevails…’ The  supra-additional guides message

Goodness…’ Transfer dynamics weighing solemnly…’ Breastplate

Hail wake up Creative-enrichPower Career…’ Eyesfeeding indepth

Gospel running acres’ happened…’ Volunteering brings –Loyalty

Reality^Verity*Proof ! Reaffirming#Fountains+Stalk Strength Reigns$ Etiquette breathe fiesta…’ Echo essence QuestQuestions…’

THE PUNCHNOMIUM ILLUMINATION…’PARACHUTES PATTERN

OATH ASSIDUOSNESS…’

QUADRANT GOOSE-' AU TUM QUIVER

ESSENCE:  ARRAYING RAINBOW  ZOOM  INTENSE_ELEVENTH YONDER /  NEXT TIE ARTHOLOGY  HOGARTH  GIRAFFE 'HEAD-MYTHS'  REALISM LIAISON DYNAMISM'S.....''  


VALVOLINE  GRASPING TRUMPETER :

IMAGINARY  LION GAPS....''

ah yes! now i remember! i lost that poem: where i was talking to Odysseus via Homer, concerning the madness of hearing the sirens and the tales of 21st schizoid man... but that wording is lost: or at least someone retrieved it, kept it for themselves... because i swear by the almighty: there is no magical combination of clicks that can make you close down a web browser and all the pages you had on standby... god created man in his own image: but also the ape... to sort of put man off balance... can't exactly crescendo with that lie any more; unless of course ***** forgot to add: and god made man in his own image: and the monkey in man's image: just so man could forget or not reveal: how god was just this... Lovecraft monstrosity: love me love me love: get crucified!

in the Islamic tradition of conquest
whereby effigies
or paintings would have their eyes
gauged out as the ultimate violation
of soullessness:
sleepy-tide i assume:
more so than the current stagnation
of the newly literate who
scribble words in graffiti on sacrosanct
"concepts":

last night was the last time i bemoaned
of took to fright and despair
at the magic finger combination
on QWERTY that would allow
me to close down a canvas and
leave a poem deleted in limbo...
i have lost at least a dozen poems
by this miraculous feat of magic-finger
"confusion":
and it was a mighty poem...

just as much concerning this morning:
is one supposed to wake up
remembering falling asleep?
just as much as:
is one to die remembering
being alive?
it's a sick travesty of complicating
consciousness with generics
and stereotypes of the supposed
lived experience:
when people phone in to radio
stations and bemoan having
recurrent dreams...
i dream sparingly: disparagingly...

i tried my best to unearth the themes
in the poem that is now:
i wouldn't say lost:
given the scrutiny of c.c.t.v. i'm on a whim
going to guess that i wrote
something so profound:
it was just the choice of words
and how i arranged them
that must have sparked a paranoia theme
in someone monitoring this
website:
Luddite i am:
but there's only so much technological
paranoia you can work with
when you get to talk about algorithms
and search engines with an A.I.
platform: which is not a person...

but what did come to mind is:
mouths...
anuses...
         to me: angels are beings without
mouths...
evidently:
why would angels needs mouths
in order to speak?
surely dogs have mouths...
but does that make them equally intelligent
as humans: who also have mouths:

a mouth is an **** an ****
is a mouth:
why would angels require mouths
in order to have anuses?
a mouth requires an ****:
an **** requires a mouth:
for me: angels have no concept of mouth
or teeth or tongue...

so this whole shabang of god made man
in his image:
well: but if god also created angels:
the man in me says:
you can do away with all that mouth
and subsequently ****:
because you can communicate
telepathically: no?
aren't those the symptoms of schizophrenia
that one hears hallucinations
floating about
like we know electrons don't orbit
there's no planetary oval distinction
that electrons are quanta
i.e. they appear and disappear
in clouds or how intact is obstructive model
for gravity earth wind water fire...
but on the microscopic clarifying of
details: spooks and ghosts of
counter-intuitive measures...

angels have no mouths:
clearly that saves them the need for an ****
since angels can't exactly talk
about eating
or food...
why depict them with wings
for that SPAZZ SPACE X disorientation
all wings: and all mouth:
no!
angels don't have mouths!
if they have mouths and faces
of humans...
then they must have anuses:
clearly an **** requires a mouth
but why would an angelic creature
require an ****?
ergo... an angelic creature doesn't
require a mouth...

oh i'm pretty sure the draft is saved
but i can't unearth it due to
502 bad gateway...

         but it was me in my prime...
comings and goings:
i still don't understand why monotheism did
away with the underlying feat of
stalking humanity:
by the gods: somehow men stopped
gambling
and the gods stopping playing tricks
on humanity:
yes: the all loving god is only the all
loving god with
the face of a tortured poetic cannibal:
this bread my butter this blood my fig
this bread my body this wine my blood:
like... if this isn't: ******* mischief
and bigotry all encompassing
then we are all fools for believing:

this precursor of the Cartesian model
said nothing of what he thought:
but everything that he supposedly was...

i, am, the way...
and by the way...
there's a ******* fork in the road
and i'm calling it a centurions gamble
on the next dealt cards:
because i'll be all ******* Ernest Hemingway
when i say:
men without women
is that quintessential epitome of
behavioral psychology that needs to
be force fed to young males...

how weirdly we behave almost
Siamese ghost twinning to an artifact
of ourselves we thought was lost
but when awakened by the opposite ***
losing marbles while at the same time counting
them...

for some good kofta and creamed up
garlic sauce of a ****
i would be willing to speed up Gonzales
and make it all the way from Mexico City
to the glorious state of Hawaii
to play a little dangling-lay-lee
with my *******?

    angels have no mouths...
why would they need mouths if they
clearly don't need to have anuses...
if angels talk to god then...
oh yeah: the fallen angels have mouths...
clearly they also have anuses...
but the pristine ones don't have mouths:
like god doesn't have two eyes...
and no mouth either:
maybe ***** has two ears
but then again:

this is my returning to ask of god:
but: you're nothing like i am nothing like ape
but you expect me to just hide
the hidden urges of sussing out the Bogart
of telepathy and telekinesis
and metaphysics like we're talking Frank
and Jill and everything's just ******* dandy
because of an Andy?!

Varhol my ***... tonne of baked bean
tins...
                      take another splash at that *****
custard: there are three orientations
on the throne of thrones:

sikam: i'm *******...
sram: i'm *******...
spuszczam: i'm *******...

            if i get to heaven and i find that angels
have mouths...
i'll start looking for nuns without anuses:
why would creatures so pristine
require mouths...
i get the wings... fair enough:
halos... fair enough...
but surely heaven is as frightening
as hell:
hell is more familiar since most of us
manage to already step into it:
rich or poor...
but heaven must be just as frightening
as hell:
and what could possibly be more frightening
than a creature with wings
and all that's worth androgynous:
without a mouth... but still able to speak...
and you can make sense of it: "audibly"...

i don't see the point the depicting
angels with mouths:
since a mouth is a precursor to ****...
but angels don't eat...
eating is a foreign concept in heaven, no?
ergo ******* in heaven is like
the pleasures of ****** in hell
no?
        maybe i'm just ******* childish
or maybe no one has clarified this "problem"
for me or for anyone...