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i hold my breath as i read through

i hold my breath as i always do

whenever there’s something

something about you

that comes out of the back of my mind

out from where i left you behind

It’s a pity how it all goes to waste

a day or two, a month or two

then i’m back crying because i miss you

this histrionic mind of mine is a wreck

for more than 5 years i’ve been wanting you back

i let you go, i set you free

she let you go, she set you free

is it really fated?

this fantasy of you and me?
Jenn Coke May 2016
He gives me a premature ventricular contraction –
Simply referring to inefficient blood circulation –
Causing my heart to skip a beat on every occasion.

Ever so often thereafter, he performs a cardiectomy –
In other words, a surgical removal of the heart – on me
Through which my precious heart is stolen by my Timmy.

I still experience dyspnea – difficulty in breathing –
And my breath is taken away by he who is my Spring,
My one and only significant other and my everything.
Another attempt at playing around with love and science.
zozek Jul 2023
Flagging the truths with words of woes
How could known facts be stabbingly bitter?
Heartbreakingly beautiful love stories flow into rivers and drown
lured by the glittering waters at first deepening all of a sudden at a point where there is no return  
I plunge
I can no longer go back
I cannot envision a world without you
as I plummet I look for your hand in blurring visons
How could this be any different than it is now?
I think about this a lot and  fantasize ways of keeping us alive
One day I am deep down touching the ground next day I simply float in nothingness.
A breathless  brutality captures me when I am down
I frown and drown accepting the depth
Anger helps me to breathe finally
Bubbling gasps become my words
I am in high altitudes deep down
as I suffer in my dyspnea
Edgar E Tobias Aug 2015
I feel estranged every now and then.
I been trying for months to explain, my lack of, conviction.
Half-hearted attempts to force something pleasing.
The only thing I'm sure of these days
Is that I'm not sure about much of anything.

What was meant to last eternity
A star's sparkling mystery, always shrouded in dark
Instead it all came crashing down in the beauty of a shooting star
Wishes are no different than secrets in this sense
We all have them, and tell no one
Keep them tucked underneath our pain
A journal entry's page kept safe through memory

I want to be the Nothing's you whisper
In the ear of your lover
To dance along the strings of your heart
A romantic arrhythmia played in perfect time
Pausing for a brief moment
Of enthralled dyspnea

Some might call it foolish, but they are right...
For all the wrong reasons.
To be brave, you must be a fool
Looking at your fate with sunken eyes, stoic
Yet, you push forward, no this is not an escape
This is acceptance in its purest form
The difference between courage and a coward is distraction and denial
Why run from the inevitable?

I'm not inviting him in, but I will acknowledge the existence.
Trying to form any cohesive line of thought is getting more and more difficult each passing day as the line between reality, dream, imagination, and memory become exponentially blurred with each passing night. Psychosis' cold hand is creeping in... But to experience it sober? Now that is a novelty I've yet to experience... I think? I may have had a dream about it. I could have made it up too... Does a beautiful girl fishing for compliments make her any less physically attractive? No. So, why are so many who are close to me convinced this is some game I'm playing? They choose to read my journals I hide. They know nothing of this site or this alias. Yet, their simple conclusions bore me to the point of not even having the strength to say, well... anything at all. Silence is golden. I am King Midas!
Persephone Aug 2016
He gives me a premature ventricular contraction,
simply referring to inefficient blood circulation.
Causing my heart to skip a beat on every occasion.

Ever so often thereafter, he performs a cardiectomy –
In other words, a surgical removal of the heart, on me.
Through, which my precious heart is stolen by my Baby.

I still experience dyspnea – difficulty in breathing,
and my breath is taken away by he who is my Spring,
My one and only significant other and my everything.
Teo Jul 2016
Long time no see, Grandpa; I'm coming to chat
Though it has been a while since I’ve done even that
Grandma’s here too in some form, relief for which we yearn
To the dead I’m no wiser, but I have a few lessons learned


To say I still know nothing would make you right, yes
Belief’s bound by faith, at end times just a guess
I’ve climbed very few mountains, but I’ve seen from great heights
I know for there to be darkness, there must be some light
My same life’s inching forward, but the weather has changed
I want you both to breathe deeply, it’s been trying to rain
I have a story of sunburn; wish I knew if it's the way
It's always been cause I’m anxious, will we be okay?


I’ve learned that most people can’t see past their own lives
And some do call this living; more like plight to survive
We’re not that far from the ocean, yet the reservoir’s running low
While I'm content with sweaty boredom, walled in like Jericho
My story about sunburn; I went home, saw old friends
We had our reminiscence, too soon that time ends
I went into his house, my skin singed in the AC
I'm twenty three, only burned twice, today was too strong for me
Now I’m reddened from two hours of solar intensity
Then he laughed and lifted his shirt to show me his body
Said he fell asleep while outside, woke up in flames
But the worst were the blisters, felt he’d been maimed
And couldn't move, just sit and will it away
It’s never been that bad all his life, but it rained yesterday


Then we talked about weather, technically living in drought
So the news has told me, something I could do without
And from that conversation, I’ve fostered an idea
This was abnormal, drained, choking dyspnea
From simply being exposed to just moments of sunlight
That lesson I’ve learned concerning short human sight
This year one of strangeness, the layman seems blind
To the problems we face; to those who lack peace of mind
Such as myself and some others, it’s painfully obvious
And we've yet to change, selective ignorance, the true bliss
For I’ve thought a lot on god, cursed him on hands and knees
To potential deaf ears, could be no one but me
And sometimes I applaud, if he’s just watching, twisted, bored
Maybe I have it backwards, and suffering’s the reward
But from my experience, hate and pain, sorrow, strife
Also age much too quickly; cruelty, greed becomes trite
If our souls are the same, this much I do know
That those with bitter hearts are the ones most alone
So if at first there was nothing but the empty and him
That would be pure peace, why even let pain begin?


So if god is there he may possess a heart somewhat like mine
He must, the world loves to rain, plants live off of sunshine
It’d be a waste to make things grow; it takes effort, what’s the point
If you’re to be alone regardless, is oblivion a viewpoint?
No, I think there must be a purpose for me to feel like this
The fluke of life itself's a miracle, how can my heart not exist?
It can’t be for nothing, we plant seeds cause we love
To watch things grow and enjoy fruit, the same must hold true above
Our physical perspective, a perception so finite
In the one song, the universe, our lone note’s a delight
Because there is beauty, I’ve loved, made true friends
To believe it turns to mere ashes, that there is nothing depends
On the idea you aren’t here at all, yet thought itself is disproof
Even though I’ve lived a little more, to the dead I’m still aloof
And of course I have my problems, my mistakes and regrets
But if there was no greater purpose, I wouldn’t care for sunsets


Back to my story of sunburn, this chilling concept
Brought me to tears, sky tries to rain, won’t be let
By the vicious spiral that we’ve nudged down this path
It becomes the tale of mother earth and simple math
By which I mean logic, there was mother earth whom god loved
And it was requited, delighted, life sprang forth thereof
And the earth loved her creatures, and most loved her back
While the rest just pretended, the most sophomoric act
Even more foolish, pain went along with their plan
More problems to be solved and the swollen demand
To be distracted in comfort, submerged deeper in blood
But be afraid of earth’s landslides, her petulant mud
Yes, storms are coming, but we have been warned
And if we can understand it, it can’t do any harm
Insane are the ones who think they control
Her weather and our minds, or that eternal soul
They say to fear flooding and fires, tsunami
Climate change and extremists, then want you to be
Subservient to a class above its own hypocrite laws
While the media has our focus in its malodorous maw
While we toil in clockwork and they hoard this world’s wealth
In this twisted game, for now I at least have my health
The old sun used to be comfort, but now it is haunting
The lack of storms that are coming is now just as daunting
Mother earth, she still loves us, thinks we can be saved
While we poison and take till she’s conclusively drained


Luckily for her, she can heal, for us it shall be too late
And now all of her creatures would share the same fate
The thought prods tears through ducts, finally out of my eyes
As it rains putrid water out of hideous skies
And they’ll burrow deeper into abysmal caves
Ignoring destruction, tornadoes, the giant waves
That wash it all away; flush us all down the drain
At least it would happen quickly, be a little less pain
Skeletons sunk to bottom and condensed by sea pressure
The storms would be mercy, not that radiant thresher
That will give us all cancer, that impatient sun
Leaks through our cells to mutate, and you know that no one
Can win here, if you’re exposed too long you’ll be doomed
In sickness and misery, seared in that gleaming gloom
The only solution at this point would be run and hide
Forget the sky and the surface, about ozone they lied
While for us, fear and greed, you know won’t leave space
They'll call themselves lucky, lock the hatch in our face
For they’ll never change, so you know they’ll run out
Crushed by earthquakes or each other, till the last death's about
And once the weather is gone, after the brightness and heat
Strips all air away, earth once more waits to meet
And feel that god brush upon her tear stained cheek


What if earth loved us so much and that made it her bane?
Let us destroy her while she was just trying to rain
Kairee F Jan 2017
I sit often in my bed,
wishing for inspiration to melt its way from my heart
into my fingertips
which click against the keys on this machine
to form words that get jumbled in my brain,
that I may untangle their knots
and loosen their grip
just enough that the ache in my forehead subsides,
and the weight on my chest is lifted even a little.
Most of the time,
whatever reactions are supposed to happen in me,
whatever connections are supposed to form
don’t,
and I continue to ache until the numbness sets in.

I handle emotions alone.
I don’t seek attention.
I don’t want the weakness.
I don’t reach out,
because I got sick of the sting
of each slap that shouldn’t have surprised me.
I love being alone;
In fact, I crave it,
but I miss the social sense of belonging that used to balance me out.
I want to grasp a hand that is stretched out to me
for a change,
but the air is always empty.

Even as I type this
I am running out of words that explicate
the cause of the dyspnea that overwhelms me
at abrupt, random moments,
and my ability to form lucid, complete thoughts
is lost.

How do you wipe a wound that isn’t even bleeding?
How do you heal a bone that isn’t even broken?
How to you fix a muscle that isn’t even torn?

I am not fragmented.
I am not cracked.
I am not damaged,
yet something in me is still leaking,
seeking something more.

I am not standing in the darkness;
I am just waiting for this sun to shed light
on a soul that knows
when to reach out
and when to let me be.
Arke Jun 2018
I talk to you as though you're still here
in the room with me, watching me work
I tell you about all of the things you've missed:
my acceptance to grad school and thesis
how I've started watercolour painting
and learning Japanese
reading Rilke and writing poetry again
you would've loved that

and I tell you about grief and loss and death
how I should've stayed with you that day
I saw your heart shatter and break
you were gone just a week later
I had never seen anyone in so much pain
but when I held your hand and said I was there
I swear I felt you try to squeeze it back still
even through your dyspnea and delirium

I still see you, you know?
when I look in the mirror it's not my face
but yours looking back at me
and when I write they are not my words
but yours reflected back on the page
and sometimes, when I am quiet enough
I can hear your replies to me, too
and you talk to me, as though you're still here
PRAY PLEASE

Difficulties come suddenly, with a bang; in a gang.

Taken aback we are, as that poisonous serpent raises his fang.

This afternoon was an ordinary one, cooly I sang.

A little discomfort, a little dyspnea, a bell of alarm rang !

Then the doc said very grave is the problem, failing is his heart.

Now in ICCU admitted he is, n anxiously I await his recovery.

Ahura please bless my dearest hubby with a long healthy n happy life.

As such, we all know that life is full of strife;

So all my dear readers, friends n near n  dear ones pray for my Hubby please do.

Pray for Vispi's recovery quick; for miracles happen do.

In my crisis grant me strength, physical, mental, emotional please.

Armin Dutia Motashaw

— The End —