WE all have our places in this world.
I do,too.
I , am the rotten apple of the basket
.I stay in the basket too long,
i tend to ruin everything.
thats my place in the world.
that was supposed to be my identity till my last breath.
like the identity of my love is to unscrew him,
for my doctor is to do what no one else would,
for for HIM ,it was to smile and make the world
a better place.
its what defines us.

But that day when i had decided to do three extra shots of ***** and five extra drags and three snorts of ******* and then passed out after a seizure ,i  didnt know i would wake up to a new morning and to a new identity . i was in pain,in considerable pain,and there was just one person who still smiled at the rotten assemblage of human tissues that i had become,that person was him.a guy with the brightest of smiles and the biggest of hearts who didnt think anyone was bad inside.and for someone like me who has ten thousand layers of bad before the slightest of goof,it meant a lot.What would have happened had i decided to do that one month later? who knows ? i would have died,thats for sure.But i would have died a bitter,angry girl.**** am i happy now? will i be happy five years from now ? i dont know.Do i thank him for saving me? YES. do i feel good about being saved.? again. I'm not so sure.why should i be happy just bcus i have few years more to live,why should i be happy becausee i have more time with my parents? why should i be happy because my folks wont grieve ? For HIM,these questions,were the answers.Then why didnt she get those last few breaths? that extra few years?

AS i look at the empty bed next to me and the missing books adn the absence of his chirping laughter,i feel the world has permanently become a little darker,a little sadder.All i remember of him are his last words to me ' I'll be back.It will be okay.'
Well,he lied.I dont think i am forgiving him for that.Not now,not ever.

He left us behind to miss him,to yearn for him,to find things to distract ourselves from missing him.he is not there.he is not around us.i will never see that smile.he will not be on the next bed trying to irritate the hell out of me.he will not talk till my head bursts into little splinters and then irritate me some more.i have not me his doc Zaarah,but over the last few days i have heard stories. she told Arman that she was sure she he smiled at her long after her heart rate dropped and the lifeline drew a flat line on the monitor and the doctors failed to revive her.Armaan tells me that zaarah had spent the night at the morgue standing outside his frozen casket bcus HE was afraid of the darl.he tells me she had to be forced out before she could catch pneumonia or something worse.she tells me how every night Zaarah comes to both the room and terrace where they had gone for their first date.She tells me how his mother had fainted when she came back to our unlucky room no. 509 and how she  had to be pulled back from his bed by his father. He tells me his father looked like a walking corpse when he heard the news.he tells me how both sets of parents had cried arm in arm.he tells me how his dad comforted my crying dad,when i was battling for my life while their daughter was dead. Arman tells me that his father has nt said a word since the day he passed away on the operating table,lying on the side with his back cut open and a smile pasted on his face.it was painless,he tells me.

Does knowing that it was painless make me feel any better? it doesnt. he was no stranger to pain.he was strong and she would have picked pain and life any day over comfort and death.people like her arent meant to die.they never die bcus people never forget them.did he give us enough moments together? he would never have been able to even if he had died a hundred years later.people like him just dont live that enough. No matter how long,how fulfilling,how painless their deaths are= people miss them.Like i;miss him,and i hardly knew him,we werent even friends;we were roommates.



He dies. I live. I cry. Where is the sense in that ? i didnt even want to live.I thought the procedures,the medicines,the doctors and the drips were nonsense.all i wanted was to get injected with a few extra CCs of morphine n my drip and i'd pass on the next world,painlessly.i didnt want this.i hated pain.i have done everything i could find,to run away from it. i used to numb myself by injecting and snorting everything i could find.nobody wanted this. How do you think i will feel when i look at his parents,childless,grieving at his loss? how do you think i will feel when Zaarah crosses my path? We were in the same room.Same room!!! how difficult it was to have our fates switched ? how wrong can god get if there is one ? We were right there.how could he not see?

did i find a donor ? yes,I did. It was him. the perfect match.we were roommates.

But thats not the only thing he gave me. 15 days after my surgery wen i was shifted back to my room,the bed next to me was empty but for a little note on top of it.I opened the note which said.

' you were the best roommate ever.Now we're even. it 2-2.Dont waste it'
I cry.

Father, I saw you last night
In a twilight dream you strolled through the streets of Shiraz,
followed by a fluttering butterfly
Passed the mosques and minarets,
turquoise blue and blood red
The cypress trees and poets' beds wept for you -
and their tears dropped like pomegranate seeds on the dry desert sand.

Father, I saw you yesterday
In a dusk-lit dream you walked through the streets of Baltimore,
followed by a fluttering butterfly
Passed the Hopkins dome and Ravens' home,
steamed crab orange and Oriole black
The patients in hospital beds cried to you -
and their tears fell flat on the soft O.C. sand.

Dear friend, Baba,
Aman, Vafa
We see you every day in an azalea's bloom
You live on in each grandchild's heart
You give our lives hope
In the early spring sun and the late autumn moon,
you breathe again
In your Akhtar's sweet smile, in Taraneh's kind style,
your heart beats again.

Father, I felt you last night
In a deep, dark dream you spoke to me
and with an angel's hands, dried my tears for me
Then hugged me with great joy,
and I read you this poem -
To my father
From his boy.


-Arman Taheri (7/10/2010)

Samaj ke bandisho se azad
Bin pankho se urna chahti hu
Pankh tute hai to kya
Khawo se aashaman sajana chahti hu

Hoshlo ki urran hu main
kisi ki muskan hu main
bharat ki anokhi shan hu main
band pare khawbo ki arman hu main

manti hu zindgi ke safar me
Me mil jate hai kuch humsafar
naa hote hue apne
Phir ban jate band aankho ke sapne

Haa main uarna chahti hu
Oos ke bund ki tarah dhara ko susobhit karna chahti hu
khilkhilana chahti hu
Hasna chahti hu
Apne pankho ko failye dhara ko napna chahti hu
apni khusboo se sbko mekhkana chahti hu
apne gunjan se nabh ko gunjit karna chahti hu
kali se ful ki tarah khilna chahti hu

kya thi galti meri
kis bat ki milli mujhe  ye saja
ye Samaj ki bandishe
Pairo m jakri ye janjiro se niklna hahti hu
kuch kehna chahti hai
Khud ko khud se milana chahti hu
kyuki jaise main dikhti hu waise hu nai
Mere hai kuch azad sapne
Pinjre m band panchi nahi hu
aazad bharat ki ek shakti ka rup hu
Ek larki hu mai
Haan ek larki
jo khud apna itishah bnana chati hai
Auro se alag khud ki duniya basana chahti hai
kUch karna chati hai
Apne liye
apno ke liye
Iss jahan ke liye.

quiero traerte a mi país,
y enseñarte lo que me hace feliz.
quiero llevarte a los bares bonitos
donde cantan y arman jaleo.
quiero pasar por debajo
de las pérgolas preciosas del parque
con mis manos colgando
de donde dobla tu brazo.
quiero llevarte a la iglesia  
y bailar y alabar contigo.

pero lamento
que no será posible.
es solamente un sueño
que veo yo solita.
porque tú estás pensando
en tu propio paraíso
y no creo que me incluya.
si no, me lo dirías.
duele querer algo con
alguien que no desea lo mismo.

duele  
ver alguien tan cerca de ti
que piensa que estás  
demasiado lejos de él.
no sé cómo la gente lo hacen  
cuando se enamoran  
en otro país.
la mente se queja,  
el corazón lamenta,  
y el alma llora del dolor.

¡Qué revuelo!
¡Aire, que al toro torillo
le pica el pájaro pillo
que no pone el pie en el suelo!
¡Qué revuelo!
Ángeles con cascabeles
arman la marimorena,
plumas nevando en la arena
rubí de los redondeles.
La Virgen de los caireles
baja una palma del cielo.
¡Qué revuelo!
-Vengas o no en busca mía,
torillo mala persona,
dos cirios y una corona
tendrás en la enfermería.
¡Qué alegría!
¡Cógeme, torillo fiero!
¡Qué salero!
De la gloria a tus pitones,
bajé, gorrión de oro,
a jugar contigo al toro,
no a pedirte explicaciones.
¡A ver si te las compones
y vuelves vivo al chiquero!
¡Qué salero!
¡Cógeme, torillo fiero!
Alas en las zapatillas,
céfiros en las hombreras,
canario de las barreras,
vuelas con las banderillas.
Campanillas
te nacen en las chorreras.
¡Qué salero!
¡Cógeme, torillo fiero!
Te digo y te lo repito,
para no comprometerte,
que tenga cuernos la muerte
a mí se me importa un pito.
Da, toro torillo, un grito
y ¡a la gloria en angarillas!
¡Qué salero!
¡Que te arrastran las mulillas!
¡Cógeme, torillo fiero!

Que no triunfe la traición,
que no revuelque el amor.
Que vivan las batallas,
las que arman el espíritu
aunque el cuerpo este desmigajado,
de esas que abren nuevos capítulos.

Que se despejen las brumas,
las vinchas que añudan
que se imponga la sabiduría
que se alce la harmonía.

Que vuelen los sueños
que encuentres su ecos,
que retumben por el cielo, la infinidad, y el universo,
que reclamen su puesto,
que retornen dispuestos
a hacer realidad cada uno de ellos.

Que lleguen amores que tengan valores.
Que sean tenaz, libres y en paz.
Que hablen con agrado en los labios,
que besen pausadamente,
que sepan sus besos a dulce granada,
que besen con entereza, espontaneidad y firmeza.
que en ello, rompan murallas de sospecha,
que manden las farsas a Seol.
que vengan con cantos, poemas o himnos,….
que alegren el alma,
que moren en la calma,
que quemen la cama,
que amen por todo lo alto,
con respeto y sin cuentos de hadas.

Que respiren ilusiones.
Que se duchen en pasiones…,
que sean cultos y eruditos de la vida.

Que vengan con una sola misión…..
luchando por ti y por la cima.

LeydisProse
8/3/2017
https://www.facebook.com/LeydisProse/