What am I doing?
Reading, stressing, revising
On **** that will in no way further me in life
Why am I doing this to myself
Every day, semester, year?
All the stress, all the tears?
Pushing me past the breaking point and then pushing a little more 'til I'm going going gone

And yet I can't stop.
I can't just say "**** it" and forget about it
It has to be done
I have to be better than everyone
Who cares about mental health when there's a ******* exam tomorrow?
Goddamn,
Please be an
**A

I used to wake up with texts
But now there's no one left
I dream of you but wake up alone
Everyone's gone, out doing their own
thing while I'm still waiting here at home.

Left behind and forgotten until we meet
face to face
Then, suddenly, "I miss you so much,
won't you please stay in touch" it's
suddenly a different case

But I do stay in touch, as per request, but
I'm met with oops I got to go
And the host becomes the guest.
Once again I'm here left alone

I could try to make new friends, meet new
people, but that's easier said than done
I'm still not sure how I made the old ones
They weren't the best but we still had fun

Maybe it's me, I know I project bitterness
And that can get hard to be around
But give me some warning, tell me the
reason, I promise I won't be angry
But that's just it, I'm always angry,
always bitter.
The second I step in, no one is to be found.
In a room of people, in a town of
strangers, I sit and stare at my twiddling
thumbs
I begin to block out my lonesome feelings
until I'm hazily numb.
I think it was for the best in the end,
because my time alone showed me how
to be my own best friend.

... you have to step
back
in order to

move forward


SoulSurvivor
(C) September 20, 2014

I often feel alone
even though I 'm reminded
that I have family
that loves me

but sometimes

Family is just a mirror that
chooses to reflect every bad decision
you've ever made in your life
while hiding behind the glass

Sometimes, conversations are held
on one way streets, where sin only comes
in black and white, and the ones that love you
hold gavels between clenched fists

Sometimes, love looks like scorn
and hugs feel a lot like straight jackets that
leave bruises in the shape of hearts
and I-told-you-sos

So I'm alone, and a sinner
*tell me something I didn't already know.

In a moment I knew I am cold
I began to prolong
The things I got used to
Never minding the numbness
And  the blasted frost bite.

I guess I got used to this feeling
    the make-shift of emotions,
Never falling.


*© Pax