Split second friendly fire,
Shield yourself from false desire.
You wake up with eyes bruised from a sleepless night.
You think of him and your last fight.
The empty spaces in your bed dances to his shape,
close your eyes, cover your ears,
attempt a futile escape.

--------------------------------------------------------­-------------


You wake up to a text message. You don't have to guess who it's from, the moment you read it is when positivity caves in. Suddenly it's as if the tornado from the night before was nothing but a mere gush of wind.

"Good morning I'm so sorry baby."

You expected him to say that. He always says that. An all too familiar cycle. You smile a bit and delay your reply, as if to make him think you don't care.

"I'm sorry too."

Did I tell you I would be someone that would offend?
Unapologetically stoic, not someone you can depend,
On that matter though, I would really like to say,
that though I'm an erupting volcano, ever eager to explode,
my heart transcends through time and space,
the only kind of love, I can and will ever be able to show.

Something tells me you will come back one day.
It's in the way you tell me you will be in touch.
In the way you question me if I have someone new,
incessantly, I might add,  and to the rhythm of jealousy.
It also comes in the way you still tell me I'm beautiful,
and how you long for me, how you think of me in all you do.
But we are at a time when love forbids.
And the only thing you can do is drop subtle hints.

You will come back one day, and I will be here,
because I always remember what I lost,
and I always have faith in what will return.

If you were to ask me how I was feeling,
I'd tell you there was a noose around my neck,
and I am standing on a chair.

A part of me says jump, and the other stays put.
Sometimes I find the latter losing,
because it's an easy escape.
But it becomes a permanent escape.

An escape to where exactly?
This is where she loses you see.
Because like everyone, I am afraid of what's not known.

So for now, i will just stay put,
until another noose decides to take over.

Every inch of pain and heartache I have suffered,
became cement to build myself the highest walls.
The tears I've cried through seasons and years,
became solidified to build myself a cocoon of deep sorrow.

And I am a big girl now, in a sense that when something
horrifying happens, my first instinct isn't to cry anymore.
Instead, I stare at this imaginary oblivion, thinking how
irrelevant all of this would be, if I jumped down a ledge.

True love is what everybody hopes for, a concept everyone
would eagerly embrace in a second. It's just a pity that
not everyone knows what the repercussions are, if you apply
this love to the wrong person.

You'd think of that ledge again, incessantly, until you finally do it.
You give in to your demons, the past, and your sorrows, you jump.
Unless of course.. you find the right person, before anything else.

In the dark and I can't see,
gave you the candle,
you were the oxygen,
And now I can't breathe.

The fire that sparked
consumed us whole,
I thought you'd stay
but you killed my soul.

Amidst the cosmic planes,
I took in your being,
tried to take me back,
but I felt us dying.

Our love became a star,
Long dead and long gone,
still high on its fumes though,
Awaiting, a new dawn.

Running through fields of green,
Sparks of lonely laughter,
and a gentle wind.

I spin around and spin some more,
until I wake up dazed,
on the cold hard floor.

Tears greet me with the same formalities,
a reflection laughs at my insanity.
I try to stand and I shake and squirm,


Only to end up wriggling, like a dying worm.

You gave,
you loved,
you lost,
you received,
you reprieved.

A cycle I thought you were going to keep on repeat.
But I forgot the most important step,

defeat.

I present to you a weapon,
an almighty sword called Passion.
I yielded it with pride and glory,
hoping for anyone to claim.
It attracted both angels and ghouls,
and I chose to give it to the latter
because I was an eager fool.
I gave it to the devil with the halo,
and the sword turned against me.
He ceased my time, love and lust.
I gave it all but it was never enough.
He drained my soul dry, and emptied my well,
Passion to my throat, me under his spell.
He threatened to cut me, so I endured,
but the day came and I cut the cord.
I let myself bleed as he released his hold,
here comes the end of a story once untold.

Now this is where something new begins,
the part where I realize I'm ready again,
Here I stand before you with tired arms,
ready to give you what I once gave.
Now that you know what I've been through
and what this blade can ultimately do,
I pray that you take it and use it with truth.
Do what you must, and do what you will,
but I beg of you to keep this in mind,
know that this is what killed me before,
please, just please, don't be unkind.

Until I can see a clear blue horizon,
faces smiling back me,
with an aura that could only be created from
inside jokes, memories and fun;

Until I can wake up to the light of day,
without longing for my hopes and dreams
as anxiety seeps into my bones,
slowly but surely making its way into my heart;

Until I can find myself, driving or even taking the bus,
to go to the place where I can do what i love most,
and at the same time call it a "job".
Oh, just even thinking about it almost hurts;

Finally, until I can come home tired and sweaty,
and I take off my clothes, jump in the shower,
to join the man who wouldn't want anything,
anything at all, than to call me his;

Until then.... Oh until they find me,

I will walk this road with my shadow.
I will smile at the fortunes of others,
even though it will **** me just a little bit inside.
Even then, I will keep my held high,
giving sweet Optimism a kiss on the cheek.

For sooner if not later, the warrior in me will prevail,

and I, will finally get my time under the sun.

I whisper your name
and your voice echoes back.

so I whisper of what we had,
but I get no response,

so I scream this time,
louder,and LOUDER,

but there is no echo,
there is no host.

I tear up a bit cause I was hopeful,
I turn around to leave,

but then

your voice echoes,
*"I miss you too"

I was never good in Math,
never excelled in Science,
cheated on my Spelling test,
certainly never bothered trying my best.

I'm irresponsible and unapologetic,
I won't reply to your texts,
not because I'm busy,
but just because I'm that ******;

I'm very critical, with very angry thoughts.
Being in a cage has taken its toll,
From time to time,
I've let monsters and demons consume my soul.

I dug up a hole where I stashed every memory of you I ever had.
You see, I started doing this ever since you casted on me a storm where betrayal kept pouring down, relentlessly and mercilessly.

Not wanting to get wet again, I figured that if I dug a hole and slowly buried bits and pieces of you in it, I'd summon the courage to forget you and leave you before another storm came around.

Days passed, and the hole got bigger, the things I thought I'd get rid of, lodged themselves deeper, and in all that time spent digging and burying, I never left.

"Any minute now, I'll show you what a heartbreak feels like,"
I smirked, thinking I was the smart one for once.

Where I thought I was ahead of, you've long accomplished and another storm came around, this time with the wrath of its friends, tornados and cyclones.

It took me by surprise as I frantically searched for your face, but you already saved yourself, while I, sought to take refuge in the hole.

I stayed there for months clutching onto those memories as if my life depended on it. I survived on the idea of your smell, your laughter and your kisses.

Then one day, I hear you calling out my name and it made me cringe.
I climbed out of the hole, and I could see that the storm had long passed and the sun was shining.

"******* it, what the hell are you still doing here?"
You look baffled, almost annoyed.

"Uhm,"
Your face barred me from words and I must've looked like an idiot.

Silence pursued and that's when all my emotions came coming at me like a million knives down my throat.

"Didn't you come to get me back?"

A look of pity washed all over your face and your eyes were downcast. You turn your back to me and said,

"I came to reset my karma, I got you out of that mess, it's time you get out of ours."

You walked away without even looking back. With fists clenched, I climbed back into the hole, I lay there and I closed my eyes.

"You didn't reset nothing."


// END //

How could another guy ever think,
that he, could take the heart that
I have entrusted to you, and you alone?

How could he have the audacity,
to call himself my knight in shining armor?
When you are the king to my throne.

You alone have planted the seeds of kisses,
that have planted themselves deep within me,
And you, hugged me till I got chills to the bone.

Even though you left, we never really said goodbye,
You keep a watchful eye, guarding your queen,
and I am but a plane that will always be flying in your zone.


---------------------------------------------------------­---------------


"When I am away, I want you to take care of yourself. Please."
"Will you think of me when you're in there?"
"Of course I will."
"If you find someone new, I want you to tell me at once"

"Never."

I don't have a friend to call my own,
and perhaps this is a flaw of mine.
To kick them out way before
they even think to go in.

Fearless and independent, is what I believe I am,
and I am what I think I am,
however, I am also what i deny myself to be,
and that being just a tad bit lonely.

Lonely, or alone, I still can't quite decide,
but my effervescent spirit, begs to differ,
she enjoys my company and so does my shadow,
I'm but a pill not many will swallow.

So until I can find other hard-headed pills,
I will be contented living in this reality,
sipping tea or coffee, depending on my mood,
thinking of words to praise this inner anguish.

You left me at a time I didn't need leaving,
You stayed at a time I didn't need staying,
         But you never loved me when I needed loving.

*When will you ever decide to meet me halfway?

You cut off a part of me I'll never get back,
It happened so quickly, I couldn't react.
But in its place something else will grow,
the seeds you planted,
will eventually start to show.

---------------------------------------------------------
­
I thought about picking the flowers you grew, but i decided against it.
Because even though it grew in the midst of internal chaos, it bloomed so wonderfully.

I will always remember.