fill me up with your tainted smell
bring me to heaven, but not to hell-
when I get back, let me think about
the good times
the colors
the laugh lines
all others
around-

slip deep inside my mouth
don’t let the contents pour back out
until the world absorbs deep inside
my thick skin
my eye lids
my blue heart
pulling me back in
tight-

i will tell
all my friends
i will tell
all my friends
and when I tell
all my friends
i will fill them
with enlightenment-

i will fill them
with enlightenment

i will fill them
with enlightenment

i will fill them
with enlightenment

i will fill them
with enlightenment.

we believe (we believe)
because we see (because we see)
hidden things (things that we cannot dream)
that we are (we stand and be)
opened up
sobered up
empty cup
cut and stuffed
in the gut
open cut
bleeding true
bleeding through
seeing past
seeing why
seeing truth
seeing lies,
and we think
because we see
that we’ve seen
everything,
but what you’ve seen
was a lie
what you’ve felt
wasn’t right,
and the feelings
you connect
with the moon
and the sky
only fill
you with clouds
in a thickly
clouded mind,
so please know
that your truth
is just pretty
painted skies,
hidden valleys
in the shadows
waiting for
your demise,
so try to escape
from the ways
trapped inside,
before this
brand new high
leaves you lower than the lowest, dead in bed on your side!
and we watch as they clean up your body, and tell us to say goodbye!
say goodbye!
say goodbye!

finding meaning in the clouds is nothing more than paper-wise-
feelings in our chest telling us what we feel inside-

a stone will be hewn,
placed above the head-
written upon its cold stark view
the names, the dates, a lasting word said-
we will wonder
what will be placed above our dug out slot-
will there be words to say
will there be words or not-
but the only thing
upon my troubled mind
is whether or not
the earth has swallowed up your body-
soul and mind intact,
or has your spirit taken flight,
and i
watch the sky
and watch the clouds open to
to welcome you inside.

i'll put my foot
in between the cracks
on the concrete slabs
and i will believe that i am
divided in half
never choosing my own path-
the foot will remain in the middle
between the sides
between the opposite ends and times
yet nothing is perfectly in between
the molecules unseen
lean to a side we don't believe
is what we really are
but we can deny the power of
choice-

we all believe
we are the in between
the new believers-
hiding everything
hoping that the secrets
wont find their seekers!
and the people we surround ourselves with!
are the people who will let us fall deeper!
we are afraid of the slightest criticism
and the feeling that we've been tricked by a deceiver!
so we ask those who follow our side
to turn around and grow blind eyes
so that we can keep hiding
we can keep on fighting
the internal battle for our lives!
-all alone-

and no one can show me the way
no one can show me the way back home-
for if i knew the way
i don't think i would go-
for i am afraid
i am afraid of what they'd know
and what they would say to my face
about the life that i now own-
for i don't want them to see
i don't want them to see this me
because i can't stand this part of my self
and the way that i drown in this sea-

and i'm all alone-
i'm alone in this place
because i was afraid to be real with those that love me-

take the open door
because when you look back
realize the broken path
you will fall through the depths
and slip into the deepening cracks-

when you look inside
you will see what you like to see
you will find what you came to seek!
and when you get what you want
you'll find that the door was closed for the past three weeks
to hide the stench of the bodies stacked
-the guts hidden behind the hopeful crusted lips
words spoken and never heard
forgotten before they ever stirred-

“a righteous man
picks up his cross,
gathers his loss,
and walks-
reaching for the heavens,
speaking to a passerby,
talking about the afterlife
and how good Jesus is-“

meanwhile-
another baby body is bent and broken
by a father’s “bravery” to believe in something bigger
than the breaths of his boy, his girl, his new born Bethlehem-
Because
Jesus called him.

-I find it hard to believe-
that God in his glorious grace
would give you a mission, to leave their sweet faces
and depart from this place
to carry a block of wood
to witness to others
while losing your children
your wife
your love
your spirit
your humanity-
i don’t think God has called you to anything-

You’re another pompous prophet
Professing his prophecies to impressionable people
To hide the fact that you’re facing much more than you fear to mention
And that you haven’t heard the voice of the lord or felt his love’s tension
And you carry this cross, but haven’t picked the one up in your eye; you are week and feeble.
You speak of goodness
But bring nothing but sorrow
You speak of love
Yet love to hate,
You think yourself a high priest,
But you are no servant.
Let the blood of a bitten tongue
Be the pain lasting longer
Than your false song
Slowly getting stronger.

“Everything under the sun is meaningless”  
says the teacher,
‘truly meaningless’



the hands that toil
to endless returns
will find out that the breaking
wasn’t worth the burn-
the days spent in agony
and months spent hoarding away
will be forgotten
on the last and final days.
there is one thing remembered,
one lasting effigy-
the words you cry out in judgment
facing death’s depravity!
for there are no assurances
that a man can find!
the teachers prophecy shall be remembered,
“Everything is meaningless” we leave nothing behind!

today marks 8 years
since i heard the news,
6 years since
we started walking askew
and only a few marking
the painful years i put us through-
for i always said sorry
i always said i loved you,
but what i meant was
“please don’t forget me and the words i let loose,
because i don’t know what love is,
i don’t think i ever knew,
because November 22nd,
my dad left the house, my mom left too
to find a comforting bed
in a house brand new
with a new naked body
a new silhouetted view,
and i sat here wondering-
‘They said they loved me,
Does love leave you too!’”







so it doesn’t surprise me that i couldn’t hold up to any pauses
any breaks
any time alone
any detachment
any moment of somber tones
and i clung to you
like you were the last love i’d ever know
like your words were their empty promises
that everything would be ok, that i would like living in 2 homes

- but here i am 8 years later,
thinking that i’m over it all
thinking that i can learn from my past,
but the fear and tears still grip my face
knowing that the lingering hurt will always last-