I am nothing but a silent darkness,
Unheard and unseen, I wish to never return
Even when I leave, there's nothing to feel
Even then, I leave with no joy or glee;

I've been existing in Sheol alone,
The place of unjudged and abandoned,
Even God doesn't shine his light here,
I have been praying into the void;

No matter how or why I move,
I'm always where I was,
I am both Sisyphus and Hades,
The condemned and the executioner;

One fine day, the weight will do it's duty,
The human form is delightfully mortal,
The comedy finally completed,
Sheol will be empty and judged.

You and I have danced for decades,
Stabbing me on the warpath as I giggled along,
You taught me to hate myself the most,
Way down to the vivisection of my soul;

Am I just shifting blame? Didn't I hold the knife too?
You gave it to me, I made it serrated and poisoned,
Hence why I'm venomous, uneven and stubborn,
Am I chaotic because I am or am I just unhealed?

I held your hand as you plunged it into me slow,
I thought you loved me, why else would you do it?
To be so obsessed and devoted to my destruction?
Isn't destruction just the beginning of creation?

It worries me that you don't leave, you keep the blade in,
Are you worried I'll bleed out or do you enjoy the misery?
Have I learnt to love you choiceless and mistaken?
Like the compass points north, the tall child feels comfort;

'A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort'
Was I after all designed to be harmed or do I have a choice?
I'm not alone anymore though, I have my moon now,
She'll guide me home across the dark and quiet :)

My heart sought a home, even when I was in one,
I moved here almost 9 years ago, I gave it my best,
To settle, to adapt, to overcome, to thrive even,
Instead I corroded, I mangled, I survived choiceless;

Through all your lush green and the rain,
I never found real comfort, just a respite,
I suppose I was stupid to expect it at all,
How does one find home in a war?

Nothing has changed, I don't expect it now,
I was just a city boy abandoned far away,
In an land, where I couldn't speak or relate to,
I'm supposed to belong here and I don't;

It's amazing how far I've placed my mind away,
I rarely live in that certain aspect of my existence,
I'm somewhere I don't belong and can't go back,
Where I used to belong no longer belongs to me;

I'm a nomad in a place I'll never understand,
I've grown accustomed to it's people and things,
The tailored familiarity often backfires into me,
I can't be in tune with them or them me,

I'm a child of the Earth, nameless and unbound,
Perhaps there is hope after all, I'm undefined,
Tried to fit in their boxes, gracefully broke all of it,
Maybe I don't fit in anywhere, the wildcard;

I do take great pride in that, it's a badge of quality,
The untamed among the tamed, blessed with chaos,
A mercurial maverick who desires rest and calm,
I'm only a person after all so I hope, I hope, I hope...

My heart is filled with sadness,
My fear of the unknown paralyzed me,
I was hoping to write a happy one,
I'm still new to that so I struggle with it.

Sadness for me has my second skin,
I've been wearing it inside and out,
It's calloused into everything I said and do,
So that's easier for me to write on it.

It only sheds when her eyes look at me,
The moon remains a symbol of hope,
My moon; I'm reborn every time
She calls me her own
and I grow anew in her light.

Mitski wrote 'I don't think I could stand to be where you don't see me'

Lana wrote 'But there’s no you, except in my dreams tonight'

Taylor wrote 'Sometimes I wonder, when you sleep,
are you ever dreaming of me?'

Tame Impala wrote ''If only there could be another way to do this, cause it feels like ****** to put your heart through this'

The Weeknd wrote 'when it's time, it won't matter'

I don't ever want to relate any of that ever
in my whole life ahead, I've started
preserving myself as much I can
to spend every second I need, can and want with her.

So I'll write against all the artists I hold dear,
her sweet sunshine believes in he writes ahead :)

''I can stand a world where you see me and see that I tried my best;

You're now here in my arms, my dreams are just stupid silly things, I can't wait to tell you about in the morning and laugh about;

I won't have to wonder if you dream about me because we'll sleep and wake up to each other;

There will be only one way to do it, it's to love you and it will feel like a new life everyday

When it's time, we will matter the most like we always have''

I don't know much,
Then l do know a lot,
I don't know what's true,
But I know what's not;

What I know true and full,
Binds me together firm,
A simple truth breathing,
Potent red, sinster green;

I've loved you completely,
Vivid rich and vast,
That I know with awe,
I miss your eyes;

My mind drowns in them,
Such grace and comfort,
You'll never leave my mind,
I love you, my moon baby.

I lay on the warm bed,
Heated by an unforgiving sun,
Indifferent to how I felt or wanted,
Misery is my birthright;

I looked at my wrist, my slightly sunken veins,
Maybe light's wavelength is a facade,
More green than blue, more death than life,
Tainted blood, still blessed with beauty and grace;

My skin burned, was something trying to escape?
Did the wraiths of my past terrify the demons?
Have I gone insane trying to make sense of it all?
Our dying sun does not care, capitalism has won;

The tired lights of the stars and the ever-growing dark,
My arms are weary from the weight of my choices,
Losing a war does not make you a victim always,
The land is unwelcoming, evolution's mutant regret;

Through the voids and reserved screaming,
The seemingly endless echo of despair,
The damp greasy bleeding of my heart,
Each death of it so sure it was the last;

The pariah, the abandoned and lost,
All of it in one unremarkable person,
He survived it all with the violence unseen,
Born from it, the gentleness and kindness;

A revenant healing his way to his best,
To be who he needed all along before,
To be the light that never came for him,
He became him, who always hoped to be;

No more chasing the darkness or solitude,
A beacon of hope for himself, the hero,
He lived in the dark still but shining,
For that each dawn of today's different

Until it was and he was changed again,
Iridescently casting his strength and power,
Powers he never knew he had or felt,
He beats on in hope, faith and love

I refuse, my breath goes on and on,
My trauma's vanity lives on and on,
Self loathing poet, poor instant coffee,
Where is the hand that held the dagger?

Serrated stabs, fueled searing, a silent darkness,
A child taught to shut up never gets a voice,
As she threatened suicide, my voice vanquished,
You got away, I have your stabs on me still;

Nothing made sense after, once I wanted to fight fire,
Because my favorite color was red, still is;
I wanted to be a pilot then I wanted to be dead,
No wonder I loved the supposed color of oblivion;

An arrow that still flies towards a nothing,
Without a voice, the mold solidifies,
After all of it, I did try, never knew for what,
For a peace I can keep, a stillness that isn't deafening.

With her eyes worried, she leaned in
"Tell me when you'll be back"
I didn't think or assemble how I felt
"An hour or an hour and half max"

I only thought of getting back to her after,
Every bone and tissue aching to be seen,
A sight only her eyes were allowed to gaze,
My precious lantern, I am yours,

The boy set on fire rushed to return,
A singular vision executed in one shot,
I wanted to, even then she was home,
Where my heart and soul were unchained,

I sit before you, legs crossed and never still,
Blooming from the ashes, I am alive and yours,
Oh how I wish to look upon you, my beloved,
How you must be yearning to hear me laugh,

Until then meet me at the field,
Where we dream fearlessly,
Where we go through it completely,
wanna be yours to you're mine.

I remember that morning sitting across her,
I crushed that orange so unconsciously,
The nectar of it dripped across my leg,
The rage of being interrupted in our world;

I couldn't wait anymore to talk to her,
I had so much to listen to in the first place,
Every ignition of each neuron in her beautiful brain,
I wanted it all so jealously, I missed them so much;

I remember so much about her even with ADHD,
She is my greatest and my most precious hyper fixation,
I can't remember half my life but I remember her flowers,
I can't remember my favorite memories without her in it,

She is the night sky in full luminescence,
I am the moon knight, I remember each night,
I'll remember every night, I remember her,
She'll never be forgotten, insignificant nor unobserved,

I'd peel and eat every orange on the planet for you,
I did it once with tears knocking behind my eyes,
I'll do it all again, as Khaled Hosseini said
"For you, a thousand times over"

The sun never shined again to burn himself,
The moon glowed his way through the dark,
When the moon grew weary and tired,
He shined enough for her eyes cast magic;

The magic of her eclipse, he hid in her,
Somewhere only they know and feel,
Tranquility, stillness and quiet,
They grew in grace and love;

He no longer died every night,
She no longer disappeared at dawn,
They hid away in the peace they earned,
They only belonged to each other now;

The darkness endures for it is such,
They would shine brighter each time,
Shadow and eclipse, beautiful and powerful,
They are forever invincible now.

To be loved by her is peace, to be cherished by her is quiet,

To be loved by her is warm and soft, to be trusted by her is colours

To be loved by her is art, she bulids a home with words that hold feelings I haven't seen yet,

To be hoped by her is to try see through the walls, only to realise she's always left the door open for you,

To be loved by her is to see God in her eyes,
To be held in faith by her is privilege and priceless,

To be loved by her is to Pray,
I pray to God for my favourite creation of his :)

Her eyes were pinkish-red that evening,
I wish they stayed that way, blurring it all,
She wouldn't remember me leaving perhaps,
Just a faint memory she swore was real;

Even now, it feels cruel she lived through it,
My absolute helplessness to hold her,
Tell her I'll be back and she'll see me again,
Wanna be yours to you are mine;

I ache to absorb that melancholy from her,
Carry it all, my strength and courage for her,
It's not my grief but hers still I'll claim it,
I never want her to suffer a bit, not even ounce;

Perhaps that evening does mean something,
Maybe it was where hope was born for her,
Suffering bulids character but hope is stronger,
We went through it completely to the last bit;

The ashes of that separation is where we stand,
Hope won and faith was born too, love always was,
We stood on our red thread together with nothing,
Now we're hopeful, faithful and loved than ever,

The tides will change and so will the waves,
We'll only grow, prosper and find our nirvana,
Our yearned sleep, peace and quiet in our house,
We'll read this one there, cry in gratitude and love

I sit still, quiet as this night is,
Words are mythical and lost,
I could find them perhaps...
The sorceress didn't stun me.

The fan hums, my ears ring,
Do I have tinnitus or my grief?
Nothing's changed, just...
Hushed and quietened.

My silence has been loud,
For as long as I remember,
Only this time, it won't ****,
Only this time, it's hope.

Faith is a weird name, right?
It is a quality I didn't have,
The prince is crowned with it,
Highest quality I was anyways.

The yoda influence is real,
I never believed in try, ever,
I did or did not or I left,
I do and I will for us.

Oh the thrill of seeing you,
Tremors across my heart,
Stunning my unruly soul,
Turning my mug into a curve;

Priceless and privileged,
Honoured and crowned,
The love I've earned steadfast,
The care my spirit yearned for,

It's all mine, oh what a glory,
To be loved by her is divine,
Divinity is her eyes, her eyes...
I never even liked eyes before,

I bow before your graceful splendor,
Brilliant as the sunset, peaceful as twilight,
I'll never get enough, I'm your addict,
I'll never OD either, I was made for you;

I yearn to hold your hair in Pacific Ocean devotion,
When you call for me, don't look around
I spark between those electric fingers of yours,
Your breath, your everything, I'm yours

I remember those raw glances,
Not that I caught you looking,
My skin still sears warm from it,
Your desire echoes between my bones;

I remember eating fast just to leave,
you smiling so coy and awestruck,
The tiny soft silences spoken even,
so much was said and exchanged;

The feel of you, your voice in my ears,
Tangled and forever tethered me to you,
The weight of your love is a mystery,
I certainly know it's gravity and nature,

I could gaze on your heart, every shade,
Even after all this time, I'm so in awe,
I've loved you all the same, never enough,
You who reminded me to laugh again;

Your hand runs across my cheek,
The war is over, you've brought peace,
I look into your eyes, my faithful home,
They'll tell me 'I'm yours, you're mine'

All I want is nothing more, to see you forever,
Forever is nothing but moments weaved,
Oranges, the slap, the big dog, our smiles,
However I ache for more and more everyday,

You'll lay in my lap, my hand in your hair,
I'll sing you all your favorite songs, I'll talk too,
Forever will be dawn to dusk for endless days,
No more summers, only winters where we bloom

I miss you, the chambers of my heart boom,
You're the spark of the layers in them,
My sinoatrial nodes are jealous of you,
You, the queen of my being, my forever

The night is a lamenting carnival,
I live with my moon's faithful light,
You've followed me into my dark,
Did you get enough love, my baby love?

I never survived this place whole,
Would you recognise me still?
When I'm beaten, broken and ******?
I know you will, I know that you will :)

If I don't turn to see your light,
Enchant me with your eyes, my beloved,
I always lost myself in them, honey,
Frozen and bewitched by it's splendor,

The voids in me are closing,
You've given me so much,
I smile at your every thought and feeling,
I always have and now it's widened,

I'll fail everyone and myself but not you,
You, who's given me a life anew and pure,
I'll find a way, survivors always do,
And I'm not alone anymore, am I? :)

I watched her bowl, with that ballerina bounce,
She took her shot, striding backwards with confidence,
Her magical arms flailing in anticipation, she looked ahead,
She held my breath by being herself, I miss your laugh;

I think it's probably how she did her greatest heist,
Taking what I guarded so fiercely and so secure,
Even though, I think back then I just handed it to her,
What was always meant to be hers found it's home;

I asked her today if it's safe and sound,
She gave me the most perfect answer,
How I ached to hear such care and consideration,
Beyond all hope of how I wished for it,

To be valued and loved by someone so interesting,
And so ethereally beautiful, what an honor and privilege,
I know she doesn't agree with me on the interesting,
I hang every thought of her alongside her,
Like the moon and her stars,

I find most things painfully dull and frightfully boring,
Every second with her is finding a kaleidoscope for the first time,
Every sound she makes is melody to my soul and it's atoms,
She is the force of attraction between all of them

I never know how to stop writing about her,
It's always this awkward pause and now I understand it,
I can't stop breathing for long, it sustains me so does loving her,
The deepest devotion grows even now that I am yours :)

Heaven's really a place on earth with you,
Your eyes and smile on me again,
My chest sank, I smiled and I felt home,
I could replay that forever and never have enough,

You talked and I swear there was magic,
The dance of your hair, the sparks of your speech, the majesty of your eyes,
Separated from the fabric of the universe,
You stand alone with your grace and splendor,

With divine luck, I found a strand of your hair,
I held it tight at first then stopped and played it,
Words of fairytale manifested in that one strand,
I lost it, wasn't sad cause you'll give me another,

Your arm felt so soft, I wish I held it longer, I wonder what you felt,
I never wanted to take my thumb off of it,
I searched for your pulse, the core of your heart,
The summer to my icy heart, winter to my fiery mind,

I never knew finish anything I've written on you,
Just like how I never want us to end either,
I don't need much but I'll always need you,
You and your ten thousand volt smile,
My sinoatrial nodes are still jealous of you :)

Monochrome strings, fizzled out currents,
Dull thumps, dead thumps, redrum me,
The theatre of my undoing and my banes,
The graveyard of unburied, broken dreams;

The heart was made to feel and Lord, I felt,
The vacuity of a thousand dead suns,
The gravity of a tempered yellow star,
What grows the more you take away?

The grief of the fireflies, burned without the fade,
The oddity of a moonflower for one glorious dusk,
None of this makes sense and neither do I,
Lost in the plot, lost a lot, take out the glock;

The revenants of my wounds have resurfaced,
I slip across it's horizon, overcome by it's strength,
Just me and Lana tonight, let the wildflower burn,
Tomorrow's dusk, I'll still be here.

Each morning I wake up, I search for them,
Dear Miss Paradox, can I see them?
I never seem to get enough of them ever,
They hold such a humble majesty to them;

I've always been a deeply unhappy person,
I've never been for a second around you,
Miss Supernova for eyes, do you miss me?
Will you smile for me with all your mischief?

If I paved a pathway between your eyes and mine,
I wouldn't find anything, I'm lost in your soul,
Enchant me, drive me crazy, don't give me a map,
Allow me to be lost and never to return;

I find myself dancing with them with my own,
Do you witness the aura of my love for you?
Miss baby love, can you keep talking and never stop?
Kiss my other cheek too, send me into shock;

I still don't know how to end these,
Just like how I never wanna stop talking,
You who has my heart completely,
I'll love you through all the eternities :)

I miss you, my love,
That's all it really is,
I find you in your music,
Still it feels like hell,

I miss your smile,
I never knew I could,
I just want you happy,
You've cried enough,

I miss your laughter,
The echo of it in my ear,
Attention wasn't my thing,
Your eyes have me frozen still,

I miss your divine hair,
The sight of it is electric,
I miss your eyes, oh your eyes,
I never got enough of it,

Come back home soon,
It's just been 17 minutes
Yeah I'm dramatic but it's you,
I long for your grace and love,

'You're the ocean, I dive in you and I find beauty most people can't see'

I finally know what that means,
Come home, my love, I ache for you,
But I can wait, I know why,
You're so worth waiting for :)

I think about that moment where I left,
I lost all courage and strength, I couldn't even bring myself to the thought of it, to tell her I'm leaving.  

I suppose the uncertainty of seeing her ever again should have driven me to give her a close to that chapter, our little infinity where time and space were defeated.

Nothing drove me to tell her that so I ran like I do in instinct, I hoped a little that I wouldn't have to see her because I would stand where I was and weep. Weeping would be a pale description of what would have happened.

It would be a canvas of the flipside of what I left for her and all our secrets would been out in the open.
Perhaps that's what drove me to run and what drove her to see me again in that moment?

I think it'll haunt me forever, the way she stood in the shadows, I could see she hid herself from the world but I still saw her in the dark of it. She sealed herself in, the secrets of who she is buried somewhere only I know, somewhere only we know?

This is paradoxical, I know but I wish I saw her eyes again and I'm glad I didn't.

I didn't see the grief they held, I wanted to be there to guide her through it but I was the cause, I'm glad I didn't see them because I'll never be able to forget it, I'm already a deeply unhappy person and sadness sinks it's teeth on to me deep all my life, I could never remove what I could seen then.

I just miss her eyes, I just hoped to see them one last time, the light of her founding fires shining bright in them, I see with more than just my eyes, she knows that. I wanted to feel their warmth again so I wish I saw them.

Grief is just the uneven, cruel and malicious tapestry of a homesickness, it longs to be somewhere else to be in its true form but it cannot be.
So it burns, cuts and cleaves through you because it knows nothing else in a foreign land.

It'll wean and fade eventually to be buried within, even grief can grow tired but I have to go through it completely otherwise I'll become something else entirely and someone she won't recognise.

Hope is the only way, there is no other. The power of faith in a light unseen has to be strong because it cannot be anything else. I must hope it to be or I'll lose myself in the dark, never to be found again.

I want to be found again, someone knows how to and I hope she comes, I hope.

Hazel brown eyes,
Curly hair falling onto your face,
Your sun kissed face, gleaming a golden brown,
you're not smiling much, but oh, does it melt my heart,

You said you'd started gaining weight when this picture was taken.
Oh darling, how adorable you look:,)
I'd like to show the picture to the whole world and tell them all, this sweet sunshine of a boy is mine
You seem so much lighter in the picture

The light coming from you was just so bright
You're laughing aren't you? :)
The slight chubbiness, the glow on ur face,
Your pine tree hazel eyes, the soft jet dark curls, oh honey :)

I don't think anyone has been kissed by the sun so lovingly, Surely he has his favorite :)
The suns favorite boy :) My favorite boy

She looked at me smug and cute,
I should have pinched her cheeks softly,
She had supernovas in her eyes,
Just like that, she made outer space boring;

She laughs with such glee and grace,
Falling facedown for reasons I don't know,
Perhaps it's one of her most expressive ways,
How she express her joy and peace;

Oh sweetest of heavens, I could finally gaze,
Those countless beautiful strands of her hair,
Electric and elegant, it disarms me so easy,
Her happiness glowing across all of them;

It must be so clear to her,
The reason of my choice of the book,
Every moment with her is magic, even in sadness, There's no place we'd rather be,
Separated by nothing but people and routine;

We'd never stop talking even, if we were parched, We'd look and know what the other has to say, How beautiful and sacred is that, to known and accepted without effort and thoughts;

I could gaze upon her forever or until she makes her adorable suspicious face,
I'll never have enough and I never want to have enough, she is my nurturing moon who guides me through my nights

How I ache to laugh for her again, to absolutely silly and myself just to see her luminescent, my light in her eyes and my soul in hers, I'll remember and remember until I see them again and find out it's better than reminiscence.

I'll wait and so will she,
Hope rings across oceans,
Hope will win because what it lies on is us,
Together, we're invincible and infinite,
'Times will change'  but we won't, we just won't.

My dear love, my heart dances,
To your pitches and rhythm,
Your lovely voice plays again,
Peace finds me anew and fresh;

My darling, your hair...
I don't even have the words...
I'm lost at their ends and starts,
Each strand strands me speechless;

Darling mine, look at me again,
I ache to gaze at your magical eyes,
Mine will dance at them,
Like deer in freshly fallen snow,

My winter, my home, my moon baby,
Look at me like you do, charm me,
Hide me in your warm loving embrace,
My serenity, my chaos, mine all mine.

I sit alone in all my flooded decks,
Folded, split, humid and unrecognizable,
Severed across the planes of my being,
I never saw myself in a mirror anyway;

My chest thumps painfully,
The echoes of systole and diastole,
The sound of life, I remain,
Your voice plays in my head too,

Home is never far away,
Will you hold me through the dark?
I see the shore yet I cannot stand,
Will you sacrifice me, my love?

Burn away all my old ways,
Reflect your light into my veins,
Will you call me your own?
Claim me away from the unseeable?

I wonder how your eyes looked today,
My sweet babylove, I miss them so much,
I think of everything you hold in them,
So much to witness, I yearn for them;

So soft, so serene, so homely,
You have the beauty of the ages,
Our love glimmers in them,
Understandingly iridescent;