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Every move I make feels as though I leave my skin behind,
Stripped raw and left to be criticized.
Every word she speaks drives to my core to brand it
And reminds me of her brilliance.
I can't readily command it
But without her I would feel nothing.
  Sep 2014 Victoria Kelleher
Sag
They say everyone has a chance
for eternal life if they accept Him.
They say "the blood of Christ will
make hearts white and cleanse them."
What about the girl whose heart beats
for another girl under her sheets?
Or the boy who was born in sin
lusting over and loving men?
Who makes those sinners well?
If love condemns me to Hell
then I want no part in this holy land
because I only feel heaven when I'm holding her hand.
And if that's wrong
then I don't want to be right
because her blood will cleanse me
and make my heart light.
So call me Judas Iscariot
or nail me to a cross
But love is a battle I've fought and fought
And I won't take this loss.
Released from this atrocious cage,
An animal bursts from the core of me.
He maintains my callous facade,
And yet is bound to my very being-
So that he may not stray far and neither may I.

There is a leash and I do not yet know who bears the collar.
He is an enraged beast and I am but a liability.
Nothing will stop him from running and ripping my heart out,
Beating fast, unable to keep pace;
Nothing will stop him from halting in his tracks,
Preventing the next step along the path I've chosen.

Perhaps someone may tame him.
Those who have tried have been defeated;
Mauled by his furious resentment for failure
Regardless of my attempts to protect them — to perfect them;
Regardless of my appeasement.

Perhaps someone may destroy him.
Or maybe just release him from this bond
And bring him to where he belongs.
But he was born in me; how could he belong anywhere?
I was mistaken with his purpose, it seems.

I am his sole contrast.
I am his body — he is my soul.
He is what I have suppressed and forced to nothing
As I attempt to appear as though it is what I want.

I have abused him and neglected to make amends
And he has returned with sharpened claws and a vengeance.
He is as I am; he is a part of me.
He is the only good part of me — the only strong part of me,
And in the wake of his death I'd die alone.

So I myself will guard him with the vigor
I'd imagine I would reserve for you alone.
He is not to be touched; not to be desecrated,
As he has become more important to me than even you, my love.
And I depict his blinded dedication identical
To that which allows me to watch you go.
“Second place…”
“Everyone feels.”
“Get out of your room.”
“…. Intensive therapy…”
“I’m a bad person.”
“I’m sorry.”
“How does it feel?”
“How did it feel?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I love you.”
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’re not enough.”
“… People like that…”
“Is that why the world is so sharp you cut yourself on it?”
“What do you want?”
“You want me to be something I’m not.”
“I hate you.”
“Why won’t you let me hold you?”
“Are you up?”
“It hurts.”
“You can tell me anything.”
“I’m scared.”
“I don’t think I can help you.”
“Are you okay?”
“… Going through the tunnel…”
“You can listen to my records.”
“So that’s why it’s me who ends up the cause of everything that hurts you.”
“Can I help?”
“Fight back.”
“I’m busy.”
“Sure, honey.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry.”
“… When I cut…”
“It’s not okay.”
“I care about you.”
“What did you mean?”
“I punched the wall in my bedroom.”
“Go take a walk.”
“I’m bleeding.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Has the counselor talked to your parents about a hospital yet?”
“Crazy people are beautiful.”
“Drop it.”
“Stop being so cryptic.”
“I don’t know how to love you either.”
“Why do you treat me this way?”
“What’s going on?”
“… Like I’m nothing…”
“It makes it feel worthless that I’m a kind person.”
“Then nothing’s going to change.”
“It’s okay.”
“You’re so annoying.”
“You’re so brilliant it hurts to think you might waste it.”
“You have to keep trying.”
What kind of person
Asks to be a muse?
A sick kind of person; a sadist
But I suppose I like that
Because I keep finding them.

It’s something you can’t attain
But want more than life
That creates art.
What kind of person would want anyone
To hurt that badly?
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping—rapping at my chamber door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
        Only this and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow;—vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow—sorrow for the lost Lenore—
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
        Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;—
    This it is and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping—tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”—here I opened wide the door:—
      Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering,
  fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!”
      Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon I heard again a tapping, somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore;—
    ’Tis the wind and nothing more.”

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he: not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door—
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door—
    Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
“Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no
  craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore—
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!”
      Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door—
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
      With such name as “Nevermore.”

But the Raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered—not a feather then he fluttered—
Till I scarcely more than muttered, “Other friends have flown before—
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”
      Then the bird said, “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore—
Till the dirges of his Hope the melancholy burden bore
    Of ‘Never—nevermore.’”

But the Raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and
  door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore—
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
    Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my *****’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
      She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee—by these angels he hath
  sent thee
Respite—respite aad nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!”
      Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!—
Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted—
On this home by Horror haunted—tell me truly, I implore—
Is there—is there balm in Gilead?—tell me—tell me, I implore!”
    Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil!—prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us—by that God we both adore—
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore—
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.”
      Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked,
  upstarting—
“Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!—quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!”
    Quoth the Raven, “Nevermore.”

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
    Shall be lifted—nevermore!
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