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 Oct 2014 Vanessa Melodiee
Ash
Issue
 Oct 2014 Vanessa Melodiee
Ash
Seemingly obsessed
Latched onto this mess
Constantly depressed
Too scared to express

Locked stuck in a cage
Can't seem to get out
Drowned in my own rage
And filled with much doubt

It's swift and so quick—
This thing that they do
Horrendously sick—
This I found too true

They can't be this blind—
Enslaved to these lies?
My faith in mankind
Depletes as time flies

But standing so still,
I take a deep breath
No weapons to ****
Just hoping on death
He saw...
an over made-up clown, eyes caked in shadow, lips redder than reality, cheeks on fire.

She was...
hiding the pain of her appearance, trying to look like the "norm", feeling hideous and needing a mask.

He heard...
her voice shrill and loud, her attitudes obtrusive, her opinions waivering with the crowd.

She was...
desperate to be noticed, drowning in self-doubt, craving reassurance, acceptance.

He felt...
she was cold and callous, harsh with her words, dark and unloving.

She was...
hurt to the point of no return, a soul full of love with no one to love, no one to trust.

He left.

She was already gone.
She dyed her hair dark
To match her young heart, once red
Like the scars that cover her arms
The lies in her head
Come apart when she cries
Every word from her mouth is a beautiful lie
Look into her eyes
They're screaming suicide
But somewhere inside's a girl who doesn't want to die
May you find the peace you so desperately sought.
You tried so valiantly to win the war you fought.

You did not lose, no sir, no, not at all.
But sometimes even the mighty will fall.

Your efforts in battle were not at all in vain.
We must find solace; as you've silenced your pain.

A soul that made us love and laugh - truly one of a kind.
But sadly, humor is merely the mask of a tortured mind.
I wrote this as part tribute to a man I thought brilliant, but part selfishly. When I am in my darker hours, I think, "Robin Williams, THE Robin Williams, couldn't do it either"....it's not about loved ones, or money, or fame - it's about the battle, our fight - I am not weak with my thoughts, nor am I alone. I fight. I fight for all of us "Robins", we can overcome, and if we don't, it is not a failure, it is a quieting of our souls.
I have always wondered
If I died,
if you would have attended my funeral
But I never imagined I'd be going to yours
Dead at 19
Yesterday I wrote nothing
I didn't read a thing.

Yesterday I had almost a perfect day
Which I spent with mine
And we laughed, we played, we flirted with the mundane.

Even though I was oblivious to the world and nothing could touch me,
That bittersweet image of you was bold enough to invade my mind
And remind me of my broken heart.
it’s morning
groggy-eyed, zombie-like,
stubbled, disheveled,
he rises.

Outside is the gleam of dew,
the scent of fresh bloom,
the chatter of birds and squirrels.
Not for him, though,
the brilliant hues of early dawn,
the bustle and cheer of the day just born.

Tarry he cant, mustn’t
shouldn’t, oughtn’t
for he has work to do.

And so he scurries about,
not much unlike a rat-at-night.
scratching the stubble out,
shocking the slumber out,
with a splash of rusty water
and scented alcohol

glassy-eyed on the clammy-cold seat,
with the daily in hand,
he lets in garbage as he lets it out.
(let’s see: “six killed, talks fail,
girl *****, man robbed,
chain snatched, stocks down, jobs lost…)

but no, tarry he cant, mustn’t,
shouldn’t, oughtn’t.
for he has work to do.

Not for him
to reminisce and wonder
at bright-eyed kids straining at their yokes
to remember that kind teacher
who patted his cheek
and held him to her smock
smelling strangely of
freshly ironed starch.

Nor must he think
of  progress cards and golden stars
and hobbies learnt at leisure,
of cycling in the rain,
and endless hours spent
under the mango trees
waiting for heaven’s manna,
of books devoured, adventures vicariously lived
in strange English lands
where they breakfasted on
bread and poached eggs and bacon.

Nay, tarry he cant, mustnt,
shouldn’t, oughtn’t..
for hasn’t he got work to do?

‘ Tis his lot to weave
his own web of chaos
as the road turns a
tangled mess of trails
darting here and braking there
in feverish, frenetic fits
of stopping and going
and spewing
clouds of carbon and venom
and especial epithets

no, no, tarry he cant, mustn’t,
shouldn’t, oughtn’t,
for he has work to do.

So what if he didn’t see
--just ahead of him on the bike,
the baby’s pink,delicate,
fingers as she clutched
her mamma tight?
--the shriveled, outstretched,
hand that cried for a morsel of mercy
since even the cataracted eye
was drained of hope?
--the strange aromas of
fresh coffee, incense, cigarettes
and some open sewer?
--the signals that said “relax,
you’ve 68,67,66” seconds to go?

Not for him to tarry—he cant,
he mustn’t, shouldn’t, oughtn’t, god forbid!
He has work to do!

Quotations to send
calls to attend, meetings to sit in,
sipping soulless coffee,
nitpicking.
accounts to tally,
targets to meet;
better still, exceed,
‘in’ trays to empty,
‘out’ trays to fill,
reports to make,
power points to present,
all before lunch
and, strangely, until after
until, outside the prison,
life has , once again, ebbed away.
one more sun has died,
or so cries the muezzin,
some distant bells pealing
in doleful agreement.
oh where has the day gone?

Stray thoughts appear
like lights switched on-
thoughts of children, wife,
neighbour
thoughts that convince
that here, indeed, is a person
with kith and kin and others to love.
But no, they must perish—the thoughts—
he must instead focus on the task at hand.

of  first weaving through
the now dark chaos
of blinding headlights
and urgent horns, darting bikes,
neon fireflies
and reaching ‘home’ where
the ***** is busy cooking
and the cubs scampering…
“hi dad ”says the kid
as he mindlessly waves
his soul numbed by
the monotony of the day just gone
and the tv that’s ever on—
and already on the report for the morrow

can he afford to tarry awhile?
to hug, hold, talk?
to share with him
a childhood anecdote?
horrors! he cant, he mustn’t,
absolutely shouldn’t oughtn’t!
for he has work to do!

And so the bedroom light’s on
until long after she’s embraced
by slumber, deep slumber—
her eyes closed
in childlike innocence.
can he watch the slow rhythm of her *****?
the languid curves?
the cozy bed
with its promise of warmth?
on the screen , scowling,
is the clutter of data
that must be processed
into bite-sized bits of
decipherable hieroglyphics—
now, not later!

Its so dark, so  still,
even the stray dog has stopped
howling its pitiful howl
one more cigarette
burnt at the altar of work
one more hour burnt at the stake
he simply cant tarry,
mustn’t, shouldn’t, oughtn’t…
he has work to do.

It’s morning.
To me she's everything
to her im nothing the
thought of her completes
me feeling like nothing
could defeat me you
moved i stayed went in
for a hug and you swayed
told you how i felt and got
played everytime i look up
what's this cold feeling on
my face oh rain can't see
the pain but it's their like
a sleeping bear you say
i changed for good or bad
from better to worst why
won't you love me that'll
always bug me i'm glad
you never said **** me
but you'll always duck me
in the summer you mystery girl
were my world in the winter
hope'd you'd be my girl in
the spring who knows what'll
bring but in the fall i just want
to end it all oh my sweet
Mystery girl
Slipping away
Even deeper
Into the void
Getting Smaller
The downward spiral
At the heart of it all

The art of self-destruction
The beauty of being numb
The perfect drug
Beside you in time
Just like you imagined
I'm looking forward to joining you, finally
Terrible lie
Something I can never have

The big come down
The great collapse
The day the world went away
The line begins to blur
Help me I am in hell

At the heart of it all
Right where it belongs
The greater good
The great destroyer

A warm place
Erased
Over
Out


Poem created using titles of Nine Inch Nails songs.
Title names by Trent Reznor.
Arranged by Mike Shaw.
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