she was not just a girl

she was a girl beyond words, beyond understanding

someone who made your heart beat yet made you feel like you have lost your bloodflow and that you are dying

she's a supernova shining brighter than every sun and blinding you with her light that you don't realize that with her next exhale, she would be a blackhole and you would be stuck inside her void

she's your dream slowly turning into the most frightening nightmare

the brightest and warmest day with the coldest and darkest night

she is my home, plagued by ghosts and monsters and i just can't leave because I'm sentimental and she meant the world to me                  

she's the cruel sunlight when you were hoping you would die in your sleep

she's secondhand smoke when you're trying to quit

she's storms, a raging tempest, a calm sunny day with a follow-up of clouds and gloomy days

she's passion and pain and glory and sacrifice and everything painful in your chest    

and she's the fear of letting go but slowly losing your grip

there was a tiny sliver
between love
and loneliness

and it was where you lived

you were every
menacing breath taken
when i was alone
and craving a cigarette

but you were also
every gasp of air
when i was passing
out with laughter

you are a lovers'
clasped hand
and a balled fist
hidden under a
long sleeve
of a sweater

you were every
tear shed and
every smile
that made my
cheeks hurt

you were that
place of security
but also
painful longing

but i love you
indefinitely

as that state
of uncertainty

as that girl
of dreams

as everything
you are
and everything
you aren't

and all the world
was sleeping
but i couldn't
find the power
to shut my
widened eyes
and stop my
brain from
creating worlds
of its own

you see,
i'm trying to
not think
about you
or how you
used to lie
in the space
beside me

but i can't stop

my mind is
creating new
cities and
islands and
even planets
under your
name and
i think they're
claiming my
mind as their
permanent
residence

i'm fearing
the possibility
of losing you

not to death
nor to oblivion

but to yourself
and to that
pain in your
gut that has
replaced all
the butterflies
with everything
you feared

and you're
throwing out
your heart
like how you
burned down
all our records
that one summer

you said then
that when you
listen too much
to a track  
you loved,
you begin to
love it less

but this time,
you're throwing
me out of
your life
like a beat up
record that
you have played
too much
and just got
sick of      

but i keep
waiting

i pass sleep                      
and i pass up
dreaming

because i'm
waiting for
that day
you pick
me up again
and play me
on repeat,
not fearing
what the
neighbours might
think of your
obsession with
that one track

i'm staring at ceilings
and i don't remember
them being this
dull

i never noticed
that they were
grey and pale
                                                              
that they were
bare and filled
with cracks
and crevices

never knew
that they had
nothing interesting
to boast

i just never
saw them
this way

maybe it's because
i'm just tired

or maybe it's because
the last time i stared
at the ceiling
was with you

and i was not actually
focused on
just staring

i was holding your hand
and i was feeling the
veins that lived
inside your skin
and feeling your bones,
wondering if they
ever felt like they
were not bones
when i'm around        
like how mine did
when you are      
holding me

and i was listening
to your breathing
and i was thinking
about how the
repetitive sound
of you
filling and hollowing
your lungs of air
managed to
captivate me

it's a thing
all people do:
breathe

but your breathing
pattern was my
definition of
home

and right now,
i'm feeling
rather homesick

and the ceiling
is being
oh so dull

and everything
is oh so boring
      
without the
distraction of
your steady
breathing and
your hand in
mine

when you're driving away from someone at night and you watch them stand from the rear-view mirror, they grow farther and it seems as if the darkness is engulfing their entirety and it just feels like they're fading away

that's what i saw in your eyes

they were dark and deep and you were silent and present yet your eyes, they were bidding farewell as i stared into them

but maybe i'm wrong

maybe i'm not the one driving away and maybe i'm not the one leaving, i don't think i was the one running off

maybe i was the one fading from the view of your mirror and maybe i was the one watching you in your car leave me behind, slowly inching away

there is an anchor attached to my heart and i am trying to get it to come off because it's making my chest feel heavy and painful yet you tell me that this anchor is actually yours and that it is the only thing making me stay with you in this unruly ocean

so i keep the anchor because it gives you comfort and not because it is the only thing keeping me steady

i don't need it to keep me here

you are enough reason to stay

i am trying to convince myself that i don't love you any more [sent]  
                    
but right now, it's so quiet and I just want to inject the painful silence with your medicating voice [deleted]    

the imprints you left on my memory foam are as deep as memories themselves [deleted]

but they're fading quickly like the way your scent, which once clung to my bedsheets, tangled with the wind, leaving my bedsheets smelling like just bedsheets again [deleted]    

i wish memories and attachment faded as quickly as foam indentions or your fragrance or even you [deleted]

you faded off too quickly [deleted]

i never knew love and hurt could be embodied by a single person [deleted]

but you were compassion and pain and healing and suffering and everything in between heaven and hell [deleted]                                

and i guess, i would not make a great lawyer because i **** at convincing even myself that i don't love you any more  [deleted]