You’re a vault right
I ask, hoping that through all of the ugliness and toxicity that our trust still stands

That all those nights in our shoebox of an apartment
Filled with whispered secrets and hidden desires
The adventures and moments too sacred to share
The things I only felt with you

Mean something

That even though our love
Has turned into something unrecognizable
Stoic expressions cold like ice
Tears and anger
Loss

I still see you behind it all
And I believe that no matter what

I can trust you

Maybe that’s naive

But I would rather be naive than

Apathetic
Thoughtless
Cold (like you)

It turns out

The vault was a house of cards

You toppled it

I was stupid to still trust you
Because in the ugliest of times

You turned ugly too.

I don’t know how it happened
But
I am the victim but I am also the caretaker

I am the one wiping her tears and holding her an embrace
Letting her know it’s going to be
okay (will it?)
Her tears falling into my hair like summer snow
And some part of me feels comforted
I get to hold her again
I get to make her feel better

My favorite feeling

The pain
    Fades for a second

For a second
Everything is okay
We are riding bikes through the streets laughing like little kids
We are jumping in the icy December waters of the canals at midnight
We are deliriously happy

But then I snapped back
Because in reality
This short-lived love
This short-lived fix
Masks my pain
The wounder uses the wounded in a twisted way

I am the caretaker but I am the victim
I tell her it’s going to be okay
When its the mess she caused
She expects me to pick up the pieces
But I don’t even know the game she wants to play
I tell her that I love her
Even when every time before that wasn’t enough
This time it’s all she needs to hear

Somehow
Even though I am the one crushed
She needs me to make her feel better
She needs me to give her solace

How is that fair?
When really

All she brings me is pain

it was so hard to explain to people how much I loved you. it really messed with me that I couldn’t describe it. but honestly, I think I really just think you can do no wrong. sometimes I get upset at something you do or say but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because I love you. I love who you are and not what you do. And I have never left that way for someone... it was the craziest feeling of my life. I was subordinate to us. the greater good was our relationship and I would have done anything to protect it.

by loving you i'm losing myself...

all i think about is you

you consume my body and my soul

my thoughts are morphed into yours

it feels like you are an extension of my heart and without you I am broken

every time we touch my lips quiver and butterflies dance in my stomach

when Im with you,

everything is heightened

my nerves crackle like summer lightning on my skin

flashes of heat stroke my body like a feather

you make breathing more bearable and singing more sensational and laughter the music to my ears

you are my fatal flaw

my Achilles heel

you are my best friend and my soul mate and my family all wrapped up into one package

sometimes, I ask myself why you are the secret to my happiness

you believe in me more than I could ever believe in myself

with you, hope is in places I couldn't feel it before

when I think about losing you my world becomes less beautiful

the colors are dull

everything is less electric

sparks and glimmers of hope disappear into what could have been

and then I wake up

my heart pounding and my skin flushed

for a second I don't remember

that this is all a fantasy

that you are still

gone

gone

gone

when you left you took a piece of my love

there is a human-sized ache in my side where you were ripped away from me

but then I remember

I remember all the terrible fights and empty promises you slammed in my face

I remember the bruises and the heavy hearts and the angry sighs

I remember all the reasons I shouldn't love you but instead I begged you to stay

but still

I try and grasp and remember that fantasy of you that I dream about every night

I wish to hold onto it and remember it forever

because even on our worst days together

life was still better with you

but then it is gone forever

just like you.

someday we will be given more

someday i won't wake up crying because of how much I miss you

someday I won't constantly question why everyone continuously proves to let me down when every word I dictate and every action I muster is to make every person in my life happier than they were

someday my parents will recognize the grin I plaster on my face everyday is fake and that hidden behind are shadows of loneliness and regret

someday ill be happy when the sunrises because it means I've been granted another day and when the gentle whispers of dusk emerge ill be grateful for the stars that glimmer among the blackness

someday we will be given what we deserve

someday I will no longer be in a broken home filled with ugly words spewed at each other and twisted lies coursing through each room, poisoning relationships and love

someday all the hours of hard work and those sleepless nights and days spent listening to the rain patter on the windows because that was the only solace to my pain will pay off

someday the tunnel of blackness and the cloak of unhappiness with lift

the days will feel longer and the sunlight will wash over you, succumbing you with the warmth

the nights will be an endless stream of dreams of opportunity and friendship and laughter

the future will be full of new discoveries and relationships

someday you will recognize your own beauty to be the eighth wonder of the world

we will always hope for someday,

wait for someday,

lust for someday,

someday, will one day be today.

there are a million reasons not to love you but all i can think about is how empty i am without you

everything you have done to me has made me lose myself just a little bit more

all the compromises of my moral compass and changing my plans to accommodate your needs and

your words hit me like killer rain, tumbling down on me, sending me into a spiral of self-deprecation and insecurity

now when i see myself in the mirror i wonder

who am i without you

because suddenly the girl with the brown hair and her eyes a little too far apart and her smile a bit wobbly doesn’t satisfy the mirror anymore without you on my arm

you have given me a thousand empty promises and forgotten kisses and words that hit like punches that should have made me turn around and slam the door but instead i just stay and stay and stay,

my apologies getting caught in my throat like a bullet, suffocating me until i forget how to be happy without you in the first place

my heart throbs because the fingers you have wrapped so tightly around my heart are squeezing and squeezing and squeezing and my head feels like a giant is sitting on it because suddenly i can’t think about anything but

how sad i am. how hurt i am. how lost i am and somehow no one can lead me back to my sanity except for you but you are the root of my destruction

all of my problems lead back to you but somehow in some twisted-messedup-tangled-type of way you are the only person who can solve them

there are a million reasons not to love you but instead everything i do is to make sure you stay.

how do i measure my love for you?

i measure my love for you in the number of sunrises and sunsets i watch with you

i count the number of deep belly laughs that reverberate around the room when I'm with you

i measure my love for you in the countless dreams I've had about the future we will have together and the possibilities for a lifetime of happiness and family and friends

i measure my love for you every time i feel your slender fingers intertwined with mine and your breath whispering in my ears

i measure my love for you
when we dance in the rain in our pajamas playing 80s jazz on the stereo,

when we lie on the cool sand late at night drinking lukewarm coffee from the 7/11,

when we go ice skating on the pond in the depths of the winter, clutching onto each other, giggling like school girls as we slip around

when we wake up on the couch Sunday mornings with the credits from the movie we fell asleep to rolling in the background and the hazy light of the TV flickering

i measure my love for you in a thousand ways i can't even describe because all the words i dictate are promises to protect you and all the actions i perform are to do everything in my power to make you happy...


...even our worst days together are still an infinite amount better than they would be if I didn't have you

the thing is i hate that i still love you
i hate that i still want your opinion and need to tell you everything and care about what you have to say because the truth is I deserve so much better than you.
you are terrible to me.

i hate that i miss you and i feel like ill die with you

i wish i didn’t care about your happiness because the truth is you’re a bad friend and an even worse person and you don’t deserve to be happy

you don’t deserve redemption or a chance at happiness

i hate you because you made me hate myself

all those sleepless nights and minutes spent picking myself apart in front of the mirror and moments i spent rocking myself in bed at night because i was too heartbroken and insecure is because of you

for one second of your narcissistic life i wish you took a good hard look in the mirror and realized the terrible person you’ve become.

you’ve destroyed all the good things in your life and you don’t even care

one day you’ll be drunk and alone surrounded by people who don’t love you as much as we did and realize that your life is meaningless  and the empty solo cups around you are held by people who really don’t give a **** about you, but by then we will have moved onto bigger and better things

i don’t know how you live with yourself knowing that your heart has turned to ice and no matter how many times I bang on it trying to get through to you it never thaws and I’m the one left wondering what I did to make you forget about me…

i don’t want to see you because of how much it hurts my heart and I don’t want to hear you because it reminds me of how much you took from me and I don’t want to think about you because you don’t deserve me.

i wish i could hate you but i can’t

i’m sorry you **** so much because i really wish you didn’t …

i love u so...

you are my best friend

i couldn’t live without you and every breath i take is better when its with you

when I’m around you my stomach twists into knots and my tongue ties up and my face flushes because you make me nervous and excited all at once

i can imagine your smile without closing my eyes and i can trace the crinkles on your face in an instant

my heart quickens when I’m with you and when we go without talking  i can’t focus

when I’m not with you i crave to be and when I’m with you i can’t control myself because I’m so utterly in love with you

i would move mountains to make you happy

the words don’t exist yet to describe the way you make my nerves jolt and my arms to shiver and my thoughts to be so jumbled with even the thought of

you,
beautiful you,

because you are my everything

the magnitude of my love for you bursts through the spectrum of the universe leaving me to contemplate how i can explain to you the way you make me feel

i long for when we talk because you make me laugh and my heart fills with joy

you know me better than i know myself and i don’t know what id do without you

my life is more beautiful with you in it

id rather die than live in a world without you..