I don’t know how it happened
But
I am the victim but I am also the caretaker

I am the one wiping her tears and holding her an embrace
Letting her know it’s going to be
okay (will it?)
Her tears falling into my hair like summer snow
And some part of me feels comforted
I get to hold her again
I get to make her feel better

My favorite feeling

The pain
    Fades for a second

For a second
Everything is okay
We are riding bikes through the streets laughing like little kids
We are jumping in the icy December waters of the canals at midnight
We are deliriously happy

But then I snapped back
Because in reality
This short-lived love
This short-lived fix
Masks my pain
The wounder uses the wounded in a twisted way

I am the caretaker but I am the victim
I tell her it’s going to be okay
When its the mess she caused
She expects me to pick up the pieces
But I don’t even know the game she wants to play
I tell her that I love her
Even when every time before that wasn’t enough
This time it’s all she needs to hear

Somehow
Even though I am the one crushed
She needs me to make her feel better
She needs me to give her solace

How is that fair?
When really

All she brings me is pain