You’re a vault right
I ask, hoping that through all of the ugliness and toxicity that our trust still stands

That all those nights in our shoebox of an apartment
Filled with whispered secrets and hidden desires
The adventures and moments too sacred to share
The things I only felt with you

Mean something

That even though our love
Has turned into something unrecognizable
Stoic expressions cold like ice
Tears and anger
Loss

I still see you behind it all
And I believe that no matter what

I can trust you

Maybe that’s naive

But I would rather be naive than

Apathetic
Thoughtless
Cold (like you)

It turns out

The vault was a house of cards

You toppled it

I was stupid to still trust you
Because in the ugliest of times

You turned ugly too.

I don’t know how it happened
But
I am the victim but I am also the caretaker

I am the one wiping her tears and holding her an embrace
Letting her know it’s going to be
okay (will it?)
Her tears falling into my hair like summer snow
And some part of me feels comforted
I get to hold her again
I get to make her feel better

My favorite feeling

The pain
    Fades for a second

For a second
Everything is okay
We are riding bikes through the streets laughing like little kids
We are jumping in the icy December waters of the canals at midnight
We are deliriously happy

But then I snapped back
Because in reality
This short-lived love
This short-lived fix
Masks my pain
The wounder uses the wounded in a twisted way

I am the caretaker but I am the victim
I tell her it’s going to be okay
When its the mess she caused
She expects me to pick up the pieces
But I don’t even know the game she wants to play
I tell her that I love her
Even when every time before that wasn’t enough
This time it’s all she needs to hear

Somehow
Even though I am the one crushed
She needs me to make her feel better
She needs me to give her solace

How is that fair?
When really

All she brings me is pain

it was so hard to explain to people how much I loved you. it really messed with me that I couldn’t describe it. but honestly, I think I really just think you can do no wrong. sometimes I get upset at something you do or say but at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter because I love you. I love who you are and not what you do. And I have never left that way for someone... it was the craziest feeling of my life. I was subordinate to us. the greater good was our relationship and I would have done anything to protect it.

by loving you i'm losing myself...

all i think about is you

you consume my body and my soul

my thoughts are morphed into yours

it feels like you are an extension of my heart and without you I am broken

every time we touch my lips quiver and butterflies dance in my stomach

when Im with you,

everything is heightened

my nerves crackle like summer lightning on my skin

flashes of heat stroke my body like a feather

you make breathing more bearable and singing more sensational and laughter the music to my ears

you are my fatal flaw

my Achilles heel

you are my best friend and my soul mate and my family all wrapped up into one package

sometimes, I ask myself why you are the secret to my happiness

you believe in me more than I could ever believe in myself

with you, hope is in places I couldn't feel it before

when I think about losing you my world becomes less beautiful

the colors are dull

everything is less electric

sparks and glimmers of hope disappear into what could have been

and then I wake up

my heart pounding and my skin flushed

for a second I don't remember

that this is all a fantasy

that you are still

gone

gone

gone

when you left you took a piece of my love

there is a human-sized ache in my side where you were ripped away from me

but then I remember

I remember all the terrible fights and empty promises you slammed in my face

I remember the bruises and the heavy hearts and the angry sighs

I remember all the reasons I shouldn't love you but instead I begged you to stay

but still

I try and grasp and remember that fantasy of you that I dream about every night

I wish to hold onto it and remember it forever

because even on our worst days together

life was still better with you

but then it is gone forever

just like you.

someday we will be given more

someday i won't wake up crying because of how much I miss you

someday I won't constantly question why everyone continuously proves to let me down when every word I dictate and every action I muster is to make every person in my life happier than they were

someday my parents will recognize the grin I plaster on my face everyday is fake and that hidden behind are shadows of loneliness and regret

someday ill be happy when the sunrises because it means I've been granted another day and when the gentle whispers of dusk emerge ill be grateful for the stars that glimmer among the blackness

someday we will be given what we deserve

someday I will no longer be in a broken home filled with ugly words spewed at each other and twisted lies coursing through each room, poisoning relationships and love

someday all the hours of hard work and those sleepless nights and days spent listening to the rain patter on the windows because that was the only solace to my pain will pay off

someday the tunnel of blackness and the cloak of unhappiness with lift

the days will feel longer and the sunlight will wash over you, succumbing you with the warmth

the nights will be an endless stream of dreams of opportunity and friendship and laughter

the future will be full of new discoveries and relationships

someday you will recognize your own beauty to be the eighth wonder of the world

we will always hope for someday,

wait for someday,

lust for someday,

someday, will one day be today.

The firefly flutters about at night
exposing  bright light into darkness.
Their purpose
to bring flashes to eyes
that ignite dreams.
Their goal to move
with wind on wings
to carry hope
and cleanse darkness before day.
They're little night fairies
meant to send love
through eyes that see.

a romance that we raised in the summer can only last so long
for when the leaves start falling
we fall too.