I hope you never get sick of me. I hope you wont wake up one day and realize that your feelings dried up like the last drop of rain on a hot summers day. I hope you don't see me as i see myself because god only knows you wont be able to turn back and i don't think you could love me the same. I hope you never wish that we had never met because i myself could never wish for something like that. I hope you can learn to love me forever without ever questioning if we are right for each other because right now my mind seems to think you are no longer in love with me. The teenager love with all its giddiness and butterflies is over but i want to love you much more than that, and i do and that's what kills me. You're so hard to read i cant tell how you feel you've closed up and i just want to talk like we use to. I hope you don't wake up tomorrow wishing it was with someone else.

Here i am laying roses at your funeral because i, i am the one that killed you. It was my gun that was pressed against your temple i counted to ten but you see it wasnt any ordinary gun....it was my lips gently pressed against yours that slowly killed you. I was slowly poisoning your body with every lip lock and hand hold.... i could see that it killed you inside to be with me, so to get rid of us you pulled the trigger and overdosed on poison. The doctors said it wasnt the medication that took your life but it was every i love you hushed into existence avoided by your parents and i dont even know why i tried because. ..itll never be the same when i look you in the eyes, when i write lullabys with your eye sockets. Day dreams with your hair folicles and forevers with your angelic smile. Im laying roses on your gravesite because i know they werent your favorite.

TRIGGER WARNING⚠

Hands shaking breath quickening shes begining to break, eyes glistening mouth dry her life is in her hands she can either live or die. Flick the lighter stare into the flame blow it out like a candle. Where is your self control? Dig the sharp edge into your palm, argue with yourself. Swallow the lump that has began to grow into the size of a rock. Eyes dart like a scared child lost looking for their parents. This is it, what will you choose? Turning the music up on high she takes the lifeless cold blooded object and begins to carve like a thanksgivig turkey, she knows she wont sleep tonight so she cuts and she cuts digging deeper and deeper. Letting out a sigh of pleasure, of calmness for just a little while. She'll put the tools away and clean up the evidence making sure no one will find out shes getting bad again. Phone rings she picks it up to turn of the alarm that reminds her that reality still hasnt changed that she still needs to face the day with a forced smile and a see through laugh. The moment she steps out the door it calls to her and she just cant escape. Her life was never hers it was always the one thing that controlled her happiness. No one must know, this addiction comes with a price so say goodbye to your clean skin and say hello to a hollow shell of yourself...

Five months for a teenage brain is a lifetime to be with someone...add ten more days and that's how long i got to keep you. This isn't second grade you don't get a trophy for merely breathing and that's all i was doing. Breathing you in every second i got until we stopped seeing each other outside of school. I thought i was oxygen deprived but i was only deprived of you. Fought against my gut feeling that i could not keep my promise of forever. I wanted to burn the memories we had in picture frames. To shatter them like i shattered us. I cant walk past you with out the little pieces of my heart aching. I may have been the little spoon but i had the entire world at my fingertips when you were by my side.
The day it officially ended we said We'd keep in touch. That We'd be best of friends but now we don't even say hello. Bad habits have been restarted and **** the nicotine high is so lovely when i think about you..i forget. The head rush and the burn in my throat i think the firefighters told me i had too much smoke in my lungs for it to be just from a fire. So when they took me to the hospital to try and clear my airway not realizing it was the hospital i asked for my one call. And it was to you but i think i had too much nicotine in my ******* veins pumping straight to my brain that i didnt realize when you answered id be ripping off the scabs that were helping you heal

Darling I will open my arms to you and in doing so I will open every empty space inside this foreign body and I will be your safe haven to crawl to. Lover, I will be the one to dry your eyes after a really long cry and tell you " I still think your beautiful" I know your not religious but somehow I've found my religion in you god or whoever is out there made you and was thinking of how good wed fit. We can balance each other out like the zodiac sign you are. The scales will never tip too far one way than another. I will give you my heart and you can put it in the jar I saw on your desk and tell yourself "I'm saving it for later" and when  you get lonely at night you can watch itlike a nightlight that keeps you safe from what hides in the dark. My words of adoration can't stop spilling through my tightly pressed lips and stiff moving fingers.

We are the generation that's finally woke up, took our head out of our ***** to realize we can't live off religion and tomorrow will be betters.  Is god really even there anymore? I used to ask you this to fill the silence at three a.m. because my brain honestly would not stop thinking about the big questions on life after death. As a kid i never questioned what the church taught, it was only after i grew up i learned they taught me to hate myself. When i was baptised it wasn't in blessed water to purify me of my child like sins of stealing one too many cookies but to try to burn any evidence i would one day realize how one sided this talk with god is.

I use to pray everyday.....preached to people who i thought needed Jesus like it was some sort of game that whoever saved the most people wins. But no one told me begging for a sign that maybe it gets better is how one is suppose to see this all and holy love.

Waking up has become this impossible task of trying to go to some dreamland and yes others have it worse but I'm tired of that line always being used to justify that what i feel does not matter in any shape or form. While others may have it worse in no comparison should i complain but its like i have heaven and hell inside of me at war and its been like this for the last seventeen years. I found myself praying the other day because frankly i didn't want to die on the freeway in a black 1983 ranger simply because the carburetor died. I never finished the prayer and looking back now I'm wondering if that's because i realized in the matter of seconds it took me to pray i managed to survive one more thing with nothing less than an amen or a hallelujah.

I've bruised my knees so many times from sitting on tile til my legs were numb just to feel a sense of security that my spot in the afterlife was secured. I believed every ******* word my family said for years about god being everything. But right now talking to god i can only hear my own voice, and i cant tell if that means I'm suppose to save myself or if he's finally left me.

I don't think he can even hear me anymore from how loud the religious people are shouting holding their signs of hate to make the man upstairs so proud of them. Will they get a clap on the back and "job well-done" for every body they bury six feet deep without even pulling the trigger.

Wheres god when we needed him most,I'm tired of staring at an empty sink wondering why he hasn't stopped me yet, has he finally stopped believing I'm real just like i have with him?  

What do you think it feels like to fly?i don't really have an answer because I've spent my highschool years with my head in the clouds high on whatever drug i could get my hands on because god wasn't enough to fill my cup so i found replacements.

One cup was filled with love so holy but somehow tainted I guess I let my blood ooze too much because it splashed in the cup and the love left. Never looking back, do you think that's how god felt when i finally realized like the tooth fairy i could never believe in his existence .....because my parents could never keep a straight face while talking about him.

And maybe one day even the bible will become mythology a simple story put into history to write off as fake.

Heavy burden on your shoulders enough to make each statue break. Quiet lies, empty mouth the two will never correlate. With this ring i give you my being and with this ring i take your freedom but somehow the dream ends there and you're slipping through my fingers like the wind blows the sand from my princess castle i dreamed of forever.

The flashing lights and deafening sirens are blaring inside my body as if ive over stepped some boundary keeping me safe inside this invisible jail. I know this is my bodys way of telling me to stop opening up that its somehow not safe, if i choose to ignore it do i have the right to complain when i get hurt? My words only flow and sound the right way when i write it down on paper or save it as a memo, i am not a normal person for i cant hold up a simple conversation for longer than a minute until i freeze and get ****** back into my mind. And i can draw a happy clown face and cover it with lies that speak that everything is going fine, but eventually the makeup starts to run and im left with the truth thats been waiting for this minute. Ive told myself over and over again to not fall in love because how fair is it to make someone deal with you when your emotions change like the waves of the ocean crashing against the bay. Theres a tsunami going inside your brain, it conjurs lies and false perceptions and i cant even begin to explain. It seems my begining to this road to recovery was also my end.

I'm building these walls so high that I think i've finally kept everything from myself. Wallowing in my own self pity, and mutilating hatred that I've forgotten how to breathe. Wait how do I breathe. Now I'm thinking about it , oh god I can't breathe. This is how it feels to be suffocated by the lies you entangle around your body to make this persona everyone can admire from afar? My words repeat, twist into a different pattern I can't seem to find the most fitting words to make people want to remember me, or better yet be engulfed by my artwork.

Why won't anyone tell me why I'm so petrified by closed doors keeping the light on just seconds before it shuts only to run quickly into my mattress made of the baggage I carry with me. I must make a home within my mind so I did. And I lie awake every night tossing and turning on blood clots I forgot to let bleed out.


The space between them and me is so blurry around the edges I can't seem to feel it anymore, being detached for so long has made my reaction time slow to oncoming emotions like that semi mere seconds away from nearly taking your life away. I promise the alcohol is long gone from my system, but it was the one thing to help me feel. Every feeling,  memory bleeds into the next and I can't decipher where one begins and where it ends. This wall is built so high to keep me away from myself but in the long run it's dug a trench six feet deep to bury the secrets hidden behind the smile. Learning to hand sew it back on whenever it began to falter. I can only play caged animal for so long before I finally give in to the animalistic side of myself.

These walls are so high like the bathtub that's quickly filling with water that I've so ironically forgotten to stop, so as the water overflows the walls keep the water in, and now it's in my lungs, please god tell me I'm not drowning by my own ****** functions.

The doctors said this is how I cope, that it is on the edge of being emotional detachment disorder but I promise I feel fine.

These walls are built so high but that never discouraged them from breaking it down, accepting me with open arms I imagined is what felt like a mother's love but I never got to feel it.

His lips were the reminder of every love song i could ever relate too....but it was much more than that. His hands flew like ripples in the calm of a lake finding there way to the deeper side of my emotions. I had always thought i was like a kiddy pool shallow and unable to keep anyone interested because my feelings didn't go to deep but then he showed up and i turned into the ocean. Deep enough for him to get lost in every aspect of my being. Let him dive into my brain to see my point of view without even a hint of fear. There's sharks swimming in my heart i whispered but he didn't hear me at least i thought he didn't until he whispered "i can fix that if you let me."

Transgender: denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform to conventional notions of male or female gender.
My mom told me I shouldn't be trent I shouldn't be him. I shouldn't exist.  I shouldn't take testosterone for the rest of my life. . She told me if I go through with it she could not feel comfortable around me as if I'm Satan himself clawing my way through her child's body taking up the space and making her fear for her life. By the age of five I knew something was different with me Barbie's weren't my friends those imaginative dreams were locked away and grown out of. Age 12 I knew I shouldn't be looking at the girls this way. They way a guy looks at a girl or vice versa but she was like a goddess. I begged myself to stop liking girls that it was nasty because growing up in a house that is deeply embedded in a church they make comments that hurt you because your everything they don't want you to be. Age 13 my mom told me to go after that guy because he could treat me right. I listened and ended up with a cut down the side of my face. Age 16 I came out halfway. Told my parents I was merely bisexual tried to play the feminine part but every time I looked in the mirror I saw the man who hid  in the rocking chair where my heart was suppose to be. He wanted out but I snuffed him out like the flame of a candle. Age 17 I couldn't take living in a lie I proclaimed I am Trent and girls are my weakness. They told me It was merely because I was sexually assaulted and wanted to have power and become the man who took mine away. First month out I cut my hair and changed what I wore my smile grew and confidence boosted this is who I am. Second month out they don't accept it wrapped their hands like vines over my mouth and told me its just a phase keep him in. They didn't hear me when I was in the bathroom tying ace bandage around the ******* upon my body I can't make disappear. When my ribs cracked they scoffed and said what a beautiful girl you are. Age 18 I will move out start college, begin counseling so I can be put on testosterone. Age 19 my voice will deepen my face will look just one step closer to manly. Age 21 I will get my associates degree go to my second college and continue my cure for not being able to be the daughter they wanted. Age 23, I will be shot, *****, brutally attacked because of who I am . my name will be added to the statistics and I will go unremembered. My killer will get off with a free get out of jail card and my body will rot. The body I have grown to love because its mine it is me.  its not fair I have to glue my mouth shut because your not comfortable with who I am. And instead of talking about it like adults they will have killed me for being myself.

Hands shaking breath quickening shes begining to break, eyes glistening mouth dry her life is in her hands she can either live or die. Flick the lighter stare into the flame blow it out like a candle. Where is your self control? Dig the sharp edge into your palm, argue with yourself. Swallow the lump that has began to grow into the size of a rock. Eyes dart like a scared child lost looking for their parents. This is it, what will you choose? Turning the music up on high she takes the lifeless cold blooded object and begins to carve like a thanksgivig turkey, she knows she wont sleep tonight so she cuts and she cuts digging deeper and deeper. Letting out a sigh of pleasure, of calmness for just a little while. She'll put the tools away and clean up the evidence making sure no one will find out shes getting bad again. Phone rings she picks it up to turn of the alarm that reminds her that reality still hasnt changed that she still needs to face the day with a forced smile and a see through laugh. The moment she steps out the door it calls to her and she just cant escape. Her life was never hers it was always the one thing that controlled her happiness. No one must know, this addiction comes with a price so say goodbye to your clean skin and say hello to a hollow shell of yourself...

Even the masks we wear to hide who we are can be scarier than the ones sold in stores.

The funny thing about being in love is that you have to have a heart in order to fall for another. The sad thing about me is, is that i dont think i can really feel anymore. Theres a ghost inside my chest where my heart use to be, it sits in its rocking chair waiting for the light to shine through and the once happy freefall of love to come back. But wait something went wrong in the rewiring of my brain my neurons and arteries can no longer accept the emotions i once felt. I look at everyone around me and i see smiles. I see kisses in between laughs and the ache of remembering i use to want that so bad makes whatever i use to know of the processed emotion of love is torn.  Maybe i cant blame the boy who never gave me a choice, or the man who stood tall and proud and shoved me down into the shell i have become..in a single second i feel on fire just like her now darkened hair, her blue eyes beg me to love her and something inside me wakes up and i have to protect her with my life. The need to hold her in my arms and keep her safe is too strong for me to resist. Momma told me not to fall in love with a girl, she said nothin good wouldve come out of it. But my hands are clammy and my heart is racin i fell in love with a girl who sang such sweet tunes to me and now i can never feel the same about another.

I remember untangling you from my thoughts like i did when we were in bed. The irony makes me laugh every time. The promises made between the sheets were always empty just like your love. You never seemed to even glance at the road map that showed you just how to treat me, never even read the warning that said "handle with care, still really really fragile"you paved your way and broke my heart and now im stuck and i cant unremember the memories i can only stop remembering how close we were ......and i can only untangle you from me like how you threw my clothes onto your bedroom floor and made me feel empty and wanted, ***** and easy all at once.
They tell you after the first time that you are ***** it gets easier if you talk about it, but you see ive spent hours talking about it choking up at the thought i didnt say no loud enough, that i can no longer string my words together to describe how broken and used i feel. He told me hed never do that to me, and as the word no seemed to seep through my tightly pressed lips its as if like a light switch he turned deaf. My pleas for no had no impact no matter how many times i said it. It eventually lost its meaning. "No i dont want it" wasnt allowed. I began to realize as long as no wasnt directed towards them theyd never become my ******. Ive spent countless nights playing the what if game with a bottle of anti depressants, that i now can finally tell him "its okay you can hold my hand if you want" without me being afraid of him pushing it too far. And every no means no. Ill never have to fight for the right to my own body again.

I've tried to **** myself so many times, to make it messy. But who knew that continuing to live would be the exact same as downing the bottle of bleach

While other girls skirts get shorter my hair does, while other girls ******* seem to get bigger mine continuously get binded down as to not let anyone know not even a speck of feminity shows upon this body. While other girls get loved by boys who say the right thing, I am that boy loving those girls the right way. But sadly trying to find someone who will love this broken body mended together with male pronouns and miscellaneous objects I need to be more masculine. The fear a girl will never love me because I will be female genitilia mixed with a deep voice and bearded face haunts my waking moment. Who will want to love someone with a huge ******* target on their back? Death always a shadow to walk behind every step of mine to show my time is surely ticking. I tried on that coat with you watching, to see if you approve  and you scoffed "its just your style" as if being a man inside a woman's body is simply put "just a style" how can feeling like a stranger in your own body be a style a fad if you will. If I could choose to be happy in this girls body I really would but now I'm stuck arguing if being myself is really such a good idea

This is a eulogy to the little girl I use to be. Waiting on the front porch step of the apartments  where that man bled his life out. You were late again today and from past experience I knew I wouldn't see you at all today , because just like clockwork you were always standing me up like a bad date. The funny thing is. Is that you were my biological father the one I kept trying so hard to be the daughter you wanted until I realized its a son you desired. You dropped me like a bad habit that you had no attachments too and the withdrawals never happened

Why does everyone have my rapists face?

Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt so bad, I let you go yesterday like the bird I've never had. I set you free so you could find someone so much better than me. I tried so hard it was like pushing two puzzle pieces that will never fit together so why does it hurt? You will always be the girl I fell head over heels with. I still am so ******* in love with you that my tears are drowning me and I'm gasping for air but I realize I only could breathe when you would kiss me. All our I loves yous are carved into my skin, burned into my memory, HotWired into my brain and god I want to stop loving you so the pain will go away but I can't. I can't unlove the girl I've loved for three years and two months. I'm suppose to be strong but every time I close my eyes I start to dream about you so I started skipping sleep like it was my classes every alarm was the principal calling me in to have a talk. I've never fully been mentally stable but now, now I'm over my head in memories of us I was never good enough, so goodbye or farewell or please come back. No. I can't say that I have to harden my  Heart and dry my eyes. I'll never be able to kiss you goodbye. Its not suppose to hurt this bad I was after all the one parting ways  **but god if only I could wake up with amnesia and forget you were the girl of forever