I hope you never get sick of me. I hope you wont wake up one day and realize that your feelings dried up like the last drop of rain on a hot summers day. I hope you don't see me as i see myself because god only knows you wont be able to turn back and i don't think you could love me the same. I hope you never wish that we had never met because i myself could never wish for something like that. I hope you can learn to love me forever without ever questioning if we are right for each other because right now my mind seems to think you are no longer in love with me. The teenager love with all its giddiness and butterflies is over but i want to love you much more than that, and i do and that's what kills me. You're so hard to read i cant tell how you feel you've closed up and i just want to talk like we use to. I hope you don't wake up tomorrow wishing it was with someone else.
Lets play pretend for just one more night. Say you're in love with me and its got you higher than the cigarette between your lips. Lay it down tonight press your body against mine cuz i know once the morning comes you'll no longer be mine. You wont belong to anyone. Breathe me in pretend I'm the oxygen you've been depleted of and this one night. This one ******* night you want to breathe fresh air. I've pulled you under with my toxic mess like when learning to swim i held onto you but you didn't know how to either so to stay above water you held me higher. Higher....higher....let my brain begin to fuzz and my thoughts become static like that old TV we left on for a little too long that lost signal. Whisper you love me one last time and make it take my breath away because you ******* take my breath away and now you say you're leaving and i forgot how to breathe because you calmed the oceans in my lungs and you shut the **** demons up. Lay my chest against yours let our hearts beat in sync so i know I'm still alive because i don't think I'm alive anymore. Trembling i reach for your hand and you hold it so cautiously until your eyes droop and your head swims with thoughts of sleepiness. Morning....i have until morning....i will mourn with every box i must pack because i was never good at that when it comes to funerals. Morning will come you will wake up and ill simply wave you off to work and you'll lean in and I'll think its for our last kiss but you'll guide my ear to your lips and tell me that word i don't like...i cant stand....you'll tell me goodbye and ill lay in the wreckage packing every box i must to keep the memories from slipping in because i can shut my eyes and already live in them like the feeling of being home with you. You were my ******* home. You made me feel safe and i cant dream nice dreams when your gone don't you remember you take my nightmares away. Dont worry ill say before you move away from my ear it was a nice dream to live in because it lasted as long as a coma and no feeling could ever make it so i can feel that way again. It was like a prolonged high that never ceased to end until you said goodbye....goodbye....goodbye.... I will love you forever and a day...so goodbye.
Lets go easy. Nice and slow i want to build the anticipation with you. Lets not become that quick to finish before we even start. I want to explore your body with my hands. My mouth my eyes. Let me get to be inseparable with your body so i can finally show you what making love feels like. Because baby i have no idea what it feels like. Pull me in closer,i want to be closer to you. Leave the ***** **** for later because i want to shower you with every kiss caressing your delicate skin. Let me trace the scars from those surgeries you can spin tales about for hours that i love to hear. I want to love you fully without my guard up but every once in awhile it shoots up and i end up blocking every sense from you.
Heavy burden on your shoulders enough to make each statue break. Quiet lies, empty mouth the two will never correlate. With this ring i give you my being and with this ring i take your freedom but somehow the dream ends there and you're slipping through my fingers like the wind blows the sand from my princess castle i dreamed of forever.
I don't want to say they are the same. you get high off of nicotine but i get high off the pain. We are not one in the same. Laced my veins around my neck because its the only way to get my brain to stop the talking. I swear to god I've written my letters over a hundred times just to say goodbye to some people who never understood why i was always under the weather. While I'm painting pictures across this ivory fortress to pretend I'm worth more than a dollar sign your spending your weeks wages on a pack of camel silvers. I wish i could inhale every head rush you get so then all i have to worry about is the coming down not the sting from the peroxide. Not the whispers or the stares as if i cant hear their words etched in acid oozing down my already damaged body. I am damaged goods please don't look at me. Don't look at me. Don't.
I remember every reason why but you don't even know why you pick that last cancer stick up.
You see this one with the curve at the end? My mom told me i was the equivalent of an unpaid bill and that's all i'd ever be so i let the pain do all the talking. This long one down my thigh,that's the one most people gaze at you see i did it and let my legs be covered like the dirt going over a coffin. A little kid asked me what happened not knowing what to say i froze like a deer in headlights and let someone else make my excuses for me. I was just another excuse to be made anyways.
I'm building these walls so high that I think i've finally kept everything from myself. Wallowing in my own self pity, and mutilating hatred that I've forgotten how to breathe. Wait how do I breathe. Now I'm thinking about it , oh god I can't breathe. This is how it feels to be suffocated by the lies you entangle around your body to make this persona everyone can admire from afar? My words repeat, twist into a different pattern I can't seem to find the most fitting words to make people want to remember me, or better yet be engulfed by my artwork.
Why won't anyone tell me why I'm so petrified by closed doors keeping the light on just seconds before it shuts only to run quickly into my mattress made of the baggage I carry with me. I must make a home within my mind so I did. And I lie awake every night tossing and turning on blood clots I forgot to let bleed out.
The space between them and me is so blurry around the edges I can't seem to feel it anymore, being detached for so long has made my reaction time slow to oncoming emotions like that semi mere seconds away from nearly taking your life away. I promise the alcohol is long gone from my system, but it was the one thing to help me feel. Every feeling, memory bleeds into the next and I can't decipher where one begins and where it ends. This wall is built so high to keep me away from myself but in the long run it's dug a trench six feet deep to bury the secrets hidden behind the smile. Learning to hand sew it back on whenever it began to falter. I can only play caged animal for so long before I finally give in to the animalistic side of myself.
These walls are so high like the bathtub that's quickly filling with water that I've so ironically forgotten to stop, so as the water overflows the walls keep the water in, and now it's in my lungs, please god tell me I'm not drowning by my own ****** functions.
The doctors said this is how I cope, that it is on the edge of being emotional detachment disorder but I promise I feel fine.
These walls are built so high but that never discouraged them from breaking it down, accepting me with open arms I imagined is what felt like a mother's love but I never got to feel it.
There is no easy way to let go, no shortcut to say goodbye for a really really long time. I guess you had been practicing in the mirror what you'd tell me if you ever got the chance because you took it. It was like we were in the fighting ring but i told you so many times i wasn't strong enough to defeat you. But over and over again you had your way with me. Pulled my hair like we were in the bedroom but i stopped falling for that when you told me the key to your heart was locked inside my very own thighs. Said if i opened them enough for you to slip in you'd grab the key and let me wear it on a string around my neck. The cops found it when i was hanging from the ceiling. Said i climbed too high. That when i jumped my parachute didn't open and that's why i got caught on the ceiling fan. The coroner stated there wasnt enough space between my heart and the ground and thats why it dropped repeatedly as you told me how worthless i am.
Twelve is not the time for sane people to be awake. Its the time for broken hearted people to weep over secret keeping sheets and a mattress filled with enough sharp objects if searched thoroughly could get an arrest warrant involved. It was 11:55 when you got enough ***** to tell me you weren't in love with me.
You told me you ached for my touch because it brought you to life but in reality you were just a ***** boy looking for a way to get off without actually doing any work.
I stopped wearing skin tight clothing afraid if i moved the wrong way another you would come along. I stopped wearing the clothes that hugged my curves like a blanket of snow because i didn't want them to see the bumps from the mistakes i made.
The nights are so empty without you but I've learned how to embrace the emptiness. I've been trying for countless nights to find the instruction manual on how to cope with saying goodbye to someone who isn't even there...not anymore at least.
The first day without a single wake up call from you was only then i got my wakeup call. I cant have you. And i deserve better. You will always be that glue i tried to peel off as a kid and once im done pulling off the majority, only specks of you will be intertwined in the divets in my palm. keeping you close but only as a distant memory
It was one in the morning and i wanted to be so drunk i couldn't even remember the sound i love you made because you mistaken it for my name every time i let you find your key.