It hurts.

I saw you leave today without saying anything. That isn’t out of the ordinary anymore but it hurts. I keep hoping that the next time you’ll say something. Or atleast look at me. I was alone in the aisle and my eyes filled with tears. You were long gone before you could see it happen.

I don’t even know if I’m allowed to say anything to you anymore. I mutter around you at the most and even that feels like too much.

You understood the greyscale and the colors and the thorns and the petals. You understood the 412 and that alone meant more than you could imagine.

I make eye contact and break it fast because even a second too long, I’ll shutdown. I really don’t know how much longer I can take this.

I know you won’t see this because you don’t want anything to do with me anymore. I just hope that someday we’ll go back to how we were before.

every rose has its thorn
and i was just the one in your side.

the amount of genuine joy i may have given,
is overshadowed by the pain i caused.

there was always a maybe and im sorry i didnt act on it
when it felt the strongest
but i promise:

no matter how wilted you become,
you are still important as you were when you were flourishing.

i've said this over and over
but im sorry.

i really am sorry.

It's been a back and forth motion:

losing
  gaining
losing
  gaining
losing
  gaining
  maintaining
losing

for nearly a decade.

I can't seem to find* my way back up from this downward spiral
and I'm losing more than mass as I descend.

I don't have anyone close enough to stop me. Not that I'd let them anyways.

I'm going to keep
losing and
losing and
losing.

I'll turn sideways and disappear.
Shrivel up into .nothing.

And maybe then,
   just then,
I might feel valid.

(*correction: I can but I refuse to.)

I'm becoming more distant from myself again.
I don't really feel like me anymore.
The fog seems to be drifting back into my mind
and I don't have a sun to burn through it.

I need to get away for good and start over
but I can't go without the guarantee that
being far away from here will clear the dense cloud.

All motivation to be human has been lost.
I'm hoping to soon become completely void of existing.

I'm shrinking.

Further and further from sight.

You are 800 miles away and I am slowly but surely disappearing out of view.

You are the only one who matters to me but yet I continue to break your heart with my self destruction.

Forgive me for withering away while we were apart.

You just became so distant physically while I, mentally.

When you fall out of love after a year
and try to end the relationship so you don't lead them on,
you don't really expect the other person to try to **** them self.

Manipulation isn't fun.
Especially when you are the only one who sees it.

Staying in the relationship for a whole extra year when it should've ended when the fallout happened, is mindblowing.

I didn't want to stay. I wanted to be free.
I wanted to do what I wanted.
I wanted to hang out with my own friends and go out without the guilt of leaving my significant other alone.
I couldn't leave the house unless they were at work or with friends.
No one sees it the way I do.

I asked for space and got in response "I don't know how long I can do that"

Well that's nice but this isn't about you.
Everything was always about you.

I finally ended it and I never felt so free.

I’ve always been small.
Height-wise and generally, weight-wise, too.
But for some reason, it clicked in my head that I couldn’t be 110 anymore.
100 was one digit too many.

95 was 5 too heavy.

1000 was 800 too many for a day.

48 hours of emptiness wasn’t enough.

I’ve never been overweight or anywhere near. I’ve been at a lower weight my whole life.

Its never really been about losing weight but I can’t stop myself from making it become a goal.

I’m falling back into bad habits.

I’m wilting. Decaying.