darling please don't ever be afraid to feel
because feeling is beautiful
feeling is one of the most human things we could do
so, it's okay
it's okay to feel hurt, sadness, anger, happiness, loneliness, fear...feel everything
all I ask is that you don't sit there with the negative feelings
sit on the joy and happiness and let it fill you up and spill from your pores and gather at everything you touch
that is absolutely beautiful
and darling don't let the negative emotions sit with you
they can come and visit and be the rare guest, that's okay
to feel that is to be human
but to let it move in and be permanently attached is not something i suggest
because it won't spill out of your pores, it will consume
the hatred and hurt and anger, will just take everything from you
there are so many people in this world who have let the negativity consume them and they have become lost inside it
please be the rare butterfly that spills good
the world needs more people like that, darling
please always strive to be the good

it had been a month since you told me you didn't love me anymore
and if i'm going to be completely honest, i was doing just fine
with how things ended, it cut all emotions i felt towards you
and then you texted me
you caught me completely off guard
you were a name i never thought would ever come across my screen again
but it did
and you were worried about me
you were just asking me so many questions, and i will admit i did lie to a few
no, i hadn't been fine, but not because of you
but then you kept saying you thought that i hated you
and it was like you were begging for me to say that i miss you
and that i just want you back and couldn't stand not having you in my life
but i will never give that to you
because i don't miss you, i did at first, but not anymore
and i can live without you
i learned that i am still me even without you
one thing that did shock me about that though
you of all people should know that i don't hate
i've never been a hateful person
i mean, i get that we aren't talking anymore but ****
we did talk every day for so long
i would've thought that you would've remembered something
but i guess you didn't
and i had to remind you that i don't hate, i just hurt
i was so aggravated with you then
because then you were pleading for me to be your friend
why would i want to be your friend?
your the one that pushed me away and got a boyfriend and didn't even tell me
you weren't gonna tell me, you never were
you can say that you were and just didn't want to hurt me
but we all know that your full of it
you weren't and i know because you kept telling me you adored me
and why would you do that if you had somebody else?
no, i don't hate you, but i don't trust you or respect you in any way
you hurt me
and i told you when i lost somebody else
that i was done fighting to stay in people's lives if they didn't want me
but i guess i'm not the one fighting to be in people's lives now

when you get into a relationship, you both walk through this door
and you seem to be in this room
over time as the relationship develops the room becomes decorated
and maybe if it keeps going, you might end up with a whole house
that's decorated and full and rich with memories and feelings
but
no matter how good that relationship may be
there is always that door
and no matter if you walked through the door, ran, leaped, or was shoved in
your in here and so are they, and even though you both may be happy
there is always the possibility that the other may walk out through it
leaving the house and you behind
and that may be the scariest part of any relationship one deals with
like, nobody wants to think about the person they love just...leaving
but there is always the possibility of that
how scarier could that be?
always having the threat of being left alone in a full house that they being in made home

thank you
thank you for shattering my heart
you were the first to ever break it and it hurts like hell
you walked in and you ******* wreaked havoc
it feels like everything in me is broken and can never be fixed
and it's all because you wanted to be with that boy
I could spew you lines of **** about how this isn't the worst thing I've felt
but that would just be a lie
because this is probably the most hurt i've ever felt from another living human
nothing about this hurt is beautiful or romantic
it's just hurt and the ache of losing somebody you love
nothing good has come from this except the lesson i learned
i learned that heartbreak is miserable, but i can live through it
even though i know it doesn't feel like it at moments
i'll live through this, because when i was head over heels in love
it was the happiest i've ever been because another human
if the risk is having my heart broken, maybe that's okay
so thank you for teaching me what it feels like to fall in love
and to be swimming in that moment
and thank you for letting go and making me feel like this
and even though i wish i could hate you for making me feel this
i'm no longer afraid of letting myself fall in love
because it's actually a ******* brilliant and beautiful thing
and i now hope to fall in love with somebody who deserves me

sometimes it seems like life would be a lot easier
if the conflicts were a bit more sporadic
if they were more spaced out where we had the time
the time to deal with the conflict or situation healthily
and then heal from it and learn our lessons
then in a bit the next conflict would come along and it would easier
i mean, don't get me wrong, conflicts and challenges that life throw at us
are exactly that, conflicts and challenges
they aren't meant to be easy things, some are easier than others
but none of them are the most basic problem to solve
and life being the thing that she is isn't going to make them easy on us

it seems like all of our challenges we deal with in our lives come all at once
it's like pulling a book from the bottom of the stack and they all come tumbling
all these conflicts come at once bringing so much with them
stress, anger, heartbreak, jealousy, almost anything we could ever feel
and sometimes they just won't let up
the books sometimes feel like they are continuously falling
and sometimes we can't save every book that falls
sometimes the spines break and a few pages fall out
but maybe that's the way it's meant to be
the conflicts will come and we will get through regardless of how difficult they seem
sometimes it's okay to lose things in the conflicts
as long as we don't lose ourselves in them

if i could go back to younger me, or even just back to the me 6 months ago
i would say so much
because I've changed a lot the past few months
and this would've been easier had i known some things

firstly i'd start with the fact that I've learned
you won't feel so alone for forever
i know it may feel like you'll be like this forever, but i promise you
it won't
also don't be afraid to let them in
they aren't secretly plotting to hurt you, they are genuinely good
all of them are, especially the one with the inviting energy
it's okay to have more than one person in your life that cares about you
it might actually be nice to have a little more
lastly, don't be so guarded in regards to love
yes it's terrifying as hell
but it's one of the best feelings in the world
it's okay to be a little wary, but calm down with all those walls
she won't leave you because of your flaws if she truly loves you
and she's not lying when she says she's not going anywhere
believe me, her energy is good for a reason
people are good for you, i promise

flowers have always been considered a cheezy romantic thing
but why can't it just be a normal thing
maybe it's the little girl in me that adores flowers but i do
i want flowers everywhere
if i could have flowers in several spots surrounding me right now
i would
because flowers are beautiful
they bring light and life into any room
they bring smiles to those being delivered to
they are absolutely stunning and they smell intoxicatingly sweet
i feel like flowers should be more commonly adored
and not by just the people society accepts to adore them
all people, all men women and in between should just have them
because who wouldn't want to be given flowers
platonic flowers, romantic flowers, family flowers, i'm sorry i forgot to buy the milk flowers, you made me laugh last night flowers, or i think my favorite
you make me happy flowers
the best kind
but if i'm being honest all flowers are good flowers
buy somebody you love flowers if you can
anybody because flowers are not only for partners
it's for people and to show that they make you happy