god i wish i could see you right now
because the idea of you sitting next to me
makes me just feel better
but that idea cant become a reality quit yet
so i think i'm just gonna sit and think about all the things you do that make me happy
and realize why i fell in love with you
i love it when you sit and love on cats even though you hate them
and you look at me to make sure i'm watching
i love it when you walk into a room with all your friends and you sit next to me
i love it when you ramble about swimming and your favorite band
i love it when you hold my hand when i'm upset and remind me that everything is going to be okay
i can't even write about all the little things you do that i love about you
but a few of them just popping in my head
make e forget about all the bad i deal with
and make my day feel less scary
i wish you were here or i were there
but i'll think about these little things instead

i stared at those stained glass doors
and it made me think about how i used to make them with you
it made me think about how i wish i could still be making that art
how i wish you were still here
so you could see how I've turned out
i wish you could meet her
i don't know what her and i are but she means everything to me
and i think you would've liked her
because i certainly do
that little chapel at the hospital
it makes me think of you and her and a little bit of everything
that colorful glass makes me wish you were still here
it makes me wish that i could understand her more
it makes me realize that i truly am lost in love with her
and that's terrifying to me but i know you would've loved to hear me talk about all of how this feels
i wish i were still making stained glass up in the room upstairs
maybe i could make her something, i feel like she would like that
it made me think about how i wish i had found spirituality sooner
because honestly it has made a world of difference for me
and only for the greater
i wish i were more open about that with her
because she's so ****** chill about that **** and you would be so baffled

i wish i had had the courage to just walk through those chapel doors earlier
i know i don't believe in that sorta thing
but i would've loved to see the stained glass that lay beyond that door
maybe i could've pondered upon the future in there
thought about a wedding in the future that probably won't happen in a church
thought about how it would've been to witness you two interacting
thought about everything that's been puzzling my mind as of late
but i didn't step into the chapel
and i just ponder outside of the space of believing

what is one to do with a love that is outdated and dead?
because i don't know what to do with this love
the love of things that merely exist but cannot be created the same
they barely exist, only in the worlds that desire this
i don't believe me and my love for these things that barely exist
belong on this plane of existence
we don't belong but we work, we coexist in this reality of art
and it's a beautiful mingling of minds
i don't belong in this era and i should be where it was
but i'm not and i'm here and i'm desiring that world
the feelings and the reality of that world
so what do i do with this love of that place and not this one?

i was on a walk with my mother during the sunset
and we were having very beautiful conversation
a beautiful talk with a beautiful person, a spectacular moment
and this wonderful woman told me a statement that many had told her
"that daughter you have, one day she's gonna break hearts"
and it got me thinking
i don't wanna break hearts
i want to fill hearts
i love things and i love them with everything in me
and i want to love everything
and i want my love to spill onto everything i touch
i want there to be love everywhere i look and i want that love to bloom into lovely flowers and grow everywhere i can't be
i don't want to break hearts because our hearts are the most beautiful thing that a human can hold
i want them to be filled with the beautiful emotions of happiness and love and for those hearts to want to express this same love that i do
i just want to love everything and everything to love each other
i want this world to be filled with love and beautiful emotions
i want beautiful moments and beautiful memories and loved people
i mostly just want all hearts to be filled to the brim with love

i absolutely fear love
i fear it with every fiber of my being
because if i tell you i love you
you would know how shattered i could become if you left
i've always feared love
i've feared letting someone in that far
letting someone see how i really am
to let them have the ability to hurt me that badly
to let myself become comfortable with another
i've feared every aspect of love
because i fear vulnerability and being broken
yet i went and fell
and i'm absolutely terrified to speak those words
because then you could shatter me
and you already know how fragile i am

sometimes it feels as if it would be easier to quit fighting
to just let her do as she pleases
to just let her tell me that this way is easier
to let her force my body to scream and ignore it under her command
sometimes it feels like it would be easier to whither away
to quit forcing food into me
to just stop fighting her
but i know i will never let her defeat me
throughout all of the difficulty that she has brought into my life
i'm never going to let her take away the good again
she can have her small victories from the past
but i'm not going to give her my future
this fight will last till the end of my days but i'm never going to give up
regardless of how difficult this may be

i haven't been able to write as much since you came back in my life
what little i have written, it's been about you
i think the reason why is due to the fact
that the only art i care about anymore is sitting right in front of me
nothing i create or think up, even on a really good day
could ever be as breathtaking as you
i'm trying to figure out what i can do because your all i seem to think about
and i don't even want to try writing about you
because then i will be going on for centuries
and never be done talking about how wonderful you are
don't even get me started on how i feel about you
that would be an endless cycle of me stating how in love with you i am
i'm trying to figure out what to do
because i'm always thinking about you and craving your attention
and i don't know how to express how spectacular you are
or how sincere i'm being when i tell you i adore you
i know none of my writing for you will ever me a masterpiece
but hopefully one of these days, you will see how i love you so