i can openly say that i'm deeply terrified
because i know
deep down
that you are the one i want to spend my forever with
and i've never said that before about anyone
when i think about who i want my kids to call their parents i want it to be us
every night i fall asleep waiting for the day where i can fall asleep next to you
when i say that i want to fall asleep to your laugh for the rest of my life
that's the truest statement i could ever speak to you
i know this is the scariest thing because we are so young
we have so much time and future left in our lives
but i know that i want you by my side for all of it
knowing you want me by yours is the biggest comfort i've ever experienced
here's to our forever ***

i'm sorry
i'm ****** up
at least that's what i think
i promise i'm trying to be better
if not for you then me
i just wanna be the starry sky you see
when your alone at sea
but i can't
because i'm falling apart
i'm becoming a skeleton
that can't hold itself together
i wanted to be the thing that brought light to your darkest nights
but i can't even create enough light
to diminish the darkness in all of mine
i'm sorry
i've been trying to ******* hard
but it didn't work and now all of you are gone
i need to find the strength again
and i'm searching ******* everywhere
maybe i'll find it soon
and i'll pull myself together
maybe you've found the light for your nights
and i could've never done that
but at least i'm trying, i've tried, and i don't think i'll ever stop
at least i've found the love i've always needed
not in all the people that i found but the ones that found me
and i'm not the only one trying to bring light in others lives
there's light here and there's people here too
trying has never failed me, so i'll continue to
and even when the trying's hard at least their trying to

over my life i have found games that i have enjoyed and hated
i rather enjoyed the card games and the board games
the ones i spent playing with my friends and family
but the ones i dislike are the emotional games
or the ones that end in heartbreak
but today i have found my least favorite
the waiting game
the game where i'm waiting to see if someone's life is going to end or continue
and if it's just a clock ticking toward either one
this game of waiting just comes and with every tick somebody shatters just a little bit more
i think the most aggravating thing for many is the fact that we don't know who we are playing against
we don't know who is competing for the other side
we don't know if it's a god, fate, a grim reaper
this game is a miserable game
and it ends in either fear, relief, heartbreak, hope, or death
**** this waiting game
and **** the pain it brings

my dad has always given me hell
for loving queer literature endlessly
and i've tried to explain it to him several times
but i don't think he will ever understand
he will never understand that i could read all the romance novels with heterosexual individuals
and i will never be able to fully relate and understand either
yet whenever i read a queer novel
i relate to those characters endlessly
despite all of our differences
i understand falling for somebody that your not supposed to in society's eyes
i understand the fear of liking a girl despite being out and proud for years
i understand that voice in the back of your head shouting the bad endings when your coming out
i understand so much more in the queer novels
i can actually see myself as those individuals
because i've been there ad i've understood those fears and the honesty and the relief
no straight character could ever describe their crush and i be able to fully connect
because for me with every crush there is that tiny fear
i wish i could explain this all to my dad
and have him understand why those characters have such a safe place in my heart
why being able to read those fears is something i connect to
why realizing that strange yet very known fact about oneself is a place i've been
and i just wish he could understand

i love books, i love them with my whole heart
i have always been a book nerd and had my nose stuck in a book
i've been like that my entire life
and no part of me is upset about it
books are one of the largest parts of my life
i read an insane about of books
and with the amount of books i read i've learned what my favorite kinds of books are
and the only way to describe them is that they are all consuming
the worlds gobble me up and swallow me whole
i'm not me, i am whatever this character is and i'm in this new world
i'm on dangerous adventures or i'm head over heels or i'm learning lessons
they consume me and i don't return until the story is completely
i always return different and with new parts of me discovered
that's what i love most about them
they change me and they absorb me just as much as i absorb them
books are the only true escape i can acquire
and i am always willing to succumb to the stories they tell

i still don't think i've ever forgiven myself for not being able to love him
i don't know why i haven't been able to
actually, that's a lie, i think i have several ideas as to why
i just, i always feel terrible whenever i think about it
because i know that he truly loved me
i just couldn't, but i tried, i tried to love him with everything in me
i just can't, and with him i just knew i couldn't pretend any longer
i knew i would just hurt more after him if i kept lying
but it still hurt to know i would have to hurt him to be honest
that broke my heart
and i haven't been able to forgive myself even though i have accepted myself
i have accepted that i can't love guys,  but i can't forgive not loving him
i think it's because i knew that he would've loved me forever if given the chance
and because he was entirely honest when he said he loved me, i know he was
and i think it's because i lied to him when he was nothing but honest to me
i lied with every i love you
and nobody deserves that, and i'm sorry to him
because he does deserve somebody that can truly love him

i wonder if you ever think of me
when you see butterflies fluttering past
when you see an old book with yellowing pages
when you see daisies for sale at the farmers market
when you see gorgeous castles with large libraries
when you hear thunder pound on the roof at night
when you read poetry and see the profound meanings that lay behind it
when you smell lavender and incense float past you
do they remind you of me?
of all the moments and hundreds of conversations we had?
do you ever get reminded of all the things that make up me?
i remember all the things you used to write down about me so you wouldn't forget them
and i wonder if they stuck and ever remind you