I'm not my past.
Nor am I my mistakes. It comforts me to know I can still dream of a better future...need to face up and be honest with they self and acknowledge I need to realign my dreams accurately.

I have a lot to get off my chest and pray God will provide me the platform.

A safe and allowing platform, where the depths of my heart are spoken and not judged.

It's time to believe I'm better than this... the old feelings of yesterday have been left behind.
Is it so hard to get a caring, attentive ear?
That will not just hear me but listen to the soft murmurs of my heart.

Will it end? Will it be 100% okay again or is this my life forever...
Tip-toeing around my weaknesses, hoping I don't slip.
Looking in and not understanding what's going on?

Trying to fit into a safe mould but
my limbs, choked by fear are dangling over the edges.

I get so confused. Confused at the storm in my heart... that actually, just maybe, I don't know what's going on.

What I live, is it what I believe?
Why are the lures to death so appealing but those that give life are an uphill climb?
Why is the grasp of sin so easy to capture but that of freedom requires buckets of tears?

It sometimes feels like I'm watching everything unfold before me, the condition of my heart, the trails of my mind, the extension of my hand.

He is faithful. He is true. He is honest.

I need Him at every turn.

It took me a while.
To look over the mountain of hurt you dumped at the doorstep of my heart.
I told myself that day… Never will I allow a person to hurt me the way you did.
I let myself cry for a few hours and never again. It was a pain I never thought a person could ever inflict on me.
It is funny, that I had to think of you today... four years later… and not feel an inch of emotion.
The radical emotions I felt after you dislodged my inner core took me to the pits of unseen places, places I never knew existed.
But here I am. Standing so firm that hearing your name does not move me.
And to think… back then, your smile hypnotized me. Drove me to a love-craze frenzy, the kind kids get when they are given too much sugar. That was me.
Your smile, voice… could make me feel so invincible. So loved. Shame.
The heart is strong. We give it little credit.
We are strong.
Very.
I saw my own strength pull me out of the pits of severe heartache, all caused from loving someone.
Or at least growing to love them.
And you simply had no understanding of how deep in my heart this love went.
One day… Abba Father, I will ask You.
What was going on in this man’s heart and mind. Exactly what was going on?
His words, as sweet as they were, were only digging a deep ditch  that he'll one day throw me in.
What I thought was acts of affection was him digging the destruction of my trust.
I sometimes think of him and wonder exactly what went wrong? Where did it all change?
shakingmyhead I carry no hurt or anger… just wonder.
God… how I thank You, for allowing me to cry. With each tear, giving me a gentle pat of comfort.
Words fail me but memories captured even the smell of the black coffee lingering in my room the day you texted me your “decision”.
I even remember how I was chilling on my bed, wondering why you’d been so distant. Little did I know your distance was brewing my devastation.
Now, years later I look at your pictures and not flinch… just stare and wonder what went wrong.
Funny is life, is love and is a man full of empty promises.
That is what I got... empty buckets labelled "Our Future".
Even "our song" doesn't cut me as deep anymore... I still love it anyway.
And so it’s true. People can and will hurt us. More than we can anticipate. But we rise.
And keep rising.

The birth of a new love is like...
An explosion of emotions, exposed in the eyes of the beholder.
We hold nothing back as we take in the blossoming potential.
I long to look in your eyes and see my future.
See the beauties that are going to be explored.
We'll live in each other's promises and behold the destiny placed on our lives.
I see the unspeakable things when I vision your heart, held in place by our Creator.
He intricately detailed our future and has made sure we don't miss each other in this life.
How I look forward to holding your hands... examining every detail of who you are.
It's beautiful what love can do.
The unseen parts of your soul will be laid bare as I live the rest of my life loving you.
I promise to love you, through better or worse and promise to treat as the king you are.
Let the waiting not distract me, in this wait my heart is being molded to hold your love only.
And for a few months, I look forward to my belly being home to our offspring, blessings from God beautifully and wonderfully made.

The dramatic effect of an eloping love.
Seeing only their back, as if it's no longer going to look into your eyes.
Has experience not taught us anything...like the overused and sometimes ineffective cliches like 'once bitten twice shy.'
Is there really a loophole to squeeze through in order to get to the other side...
To get a peek at the masterpiece God is preparing.
Maybe on this side I'll remain, chew away at my curiosity and wait for my day to come.
Yahweh knows my ever pacing mind... asking Him all the questions the world has carried.
It comes only naturally when life is such an intricate, delicate and equally complex miracle.
I wonder if the un-resting God we serve ever has a chuckle at some of the thoughts we create.
Yes create, when we are least aware, the mind is churning and turning and creating dimensions and worlds of its own.
When we become, the world either implodes or expands or explodes.... thus birthing our realities.
Circumstances differ yet the mind holds incredible power...
So....where to from here....start again or keep going.
Reboot, refurnish or refuse. At some point that becomes a thorn in our side.
The mind shackling us to what was never meant to be our burden...is life really meant to be punishment?
Could this deity really be so unconcerned by our well being?