I REGRET NOT LOVING YOU WHEN YOU WANTED ME TO,
TIME IS PRECIOUS WHATEVER YOU MAY DO,
WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TRAVELLING AT EVERY CHANCE,
IT WAS A PITY SOMETIMES THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO DANCE.

I REGRET GOING AWAY WHEN I SHOLD HAVE STAYED,
THE SILLY THINGS YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE AFRAID,
YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT GOING, BEEN A MAN,
NOT LIKE THE COMIC BOOK FIGURE OF DESPERATE DAN.

SO MANY TIMES THINGS HAVE GONE YOUR WAY,
BUT TIME IS RUNNING OUT, SO THEY SAY
THAT HOW MANY CHANCES DO YOU NEED BEFORE YOU BLEED,
HOW MANY MISTAKES DO YOU MAKE BEFORE YOU HEED.

THE TIME HAS GONE - I MUST NOW LOOK CAREFULLY AHEAD,
AFTER ALL, I'M **** LUCKY TO STILL BE IN YOUR BED.

I WANT YOU - I'M HERE AS ALWAYS,
LET'S THINK OF YOUR DAY TODAY - THEY SAY
THAT A WALK IN THE SUN IS GOOD, CAST
OTHER THINGS ASIDE - I KNOW YOU CRIED.

I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO;
ANNE TALKS SO MUCH THAT I NEARLY MISSED THE GULF WAR,
YOU SEE, WE HAVE TO DEAL - I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL,
HOW DO I KNOW? I'VE BEEN THERE, I'VE FELT LOW.

I'LL WRITE A WORD NOW AND THEN - IF I
HEARD YOU CRY - PICK UP 'COMFORT,' YOU'LL KNOW
I'M THERE - YOU'LL SAY: 'WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I SAY: 'THINK OF GREEN AND RED - NO MORE BLUE.

THINK OF ORANGE AND PINK - HOW NICE YOU LOOK,
YOU'LL WONDER WHY JUST HOW LONG IT TOOK.'

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A ******
WITH AN ESKIMO? ANSWER: YOU GET A MASSIVE
VASSAL WITH A PASSIVE TASSEL AND A FRIGID
****** WITH WITH A RIGID DIGIT. COLD COMFORT.

DO YOU LIKE IT IN CIDER? THERE WAS A BIG
BLACK HAIRY SPIDER WHICH CHASED JUSTIN G.,
DON'T YOU SEE THAT'S SO COOL - SO APRIL FOOL!
OF THE NILE A JEWEL, NOW I'LL DROOL AT YOUR POOL.

I MUST BE EMOTIONALLY OFF COURSE, OF COURSE
IT'S NICE TO EXPAND YOUR HORIZON, PUT EYES ON
DIFFERENT THINGS, DIG INTO WHAT'S BENEATH, YOU
MAY NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT'S ABOVE YOU UNTIL
SOMEBODY SAYS THAT THEY LOVE YOU.

LET'S HAVE SOME NO SADNESS, LOTS OF GLADNESS
EVEN THO' THERE MAY BE **** IN MY MADNESS.

A LADY BOOK CRITIC WENT TO INTERVIEW
A LEADING JAPANESE AUTHOR - SHE WAS EXCITED
AT MEETING THE GREAT MAN AND PREPARED
MANY QUESTIONS WHICH SHE WISHED TO ASK HIM.

THE MAJOR INQUIRY WAS: 'WHERE DO YOU GET
YOUR IDEAS FROM? WHAT INSPIRES YOUR WORK?'
HE REPLIED: 'MY DEAR,' HE SAID, GIVING HER A
WITHERING LOOK, 'I JUST PLUCK MY IDEAS FROM
THE SKY AND IN MY EXPERIENCE NEVER WONDER WHY.'

SHE WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED AND REFUSED TO READ
ANY OF HIS WORK FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS.

PERHAPS CRITICS SHOULD HAVE MORE INSIGHT -
A LEADING TV REVIEWER WAS FULL OF FILM NOIR
AND FANCY WORD WHICH ONLY SERVED TO MAKE HIM  SOUND ABSURD.

NOT ALL POETRY SHOULD BE ABOUT DEPRESSION,
LOVE, WIND AND TEA-CUPS - I PREFER TO BE
THE DONALD TRUMP OF THE POETRY WORLD:
SEEMINGLY ILLITERATE, OBSCENELY DISSOLUTE,
UNINFORMED, SOCIOPATHICAL AND FALSELY MAGICAL;
SOMEONE SAID THAT, 'WE HAVE A DUTY TO
IMPART KNOWLEDGE,' I DID NOT ENTIRELY AGREE,
NOT ALL OF US ARE SUITABLY QUALIFIED AND THOSE
WHO ARE NOT MAY PASS ON THEIR OWN MISTAKES;
A TEACHER MISSPELT THE WORD '*******,'
AND NOW HALF THE TOWN IS WRITING THE WORD
BOLLUCKS INCORRECTLY; THOSE WHO CAN, DO AND
THOSE WHO CAN NOT, JOIN THE RADIO -LIKE CERTAIN
PRESENTERS, IT RINGS, WHO SEEM TO HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF ALL THINGS.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE FLOATING IN THE SKY,
SO FAR ABOVE THE GROUND WHEN YOU COULD FLY,
THE COLOURS WERE GREENY BLUE WITH A LIGHT HUE,
YOU COULD NOT LAND, THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD DO.

REMEMBER HOW THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WAKE,
NOTHING TO TOUCH YOU AND NO ONE TO SHAKE,
YOU COULD SEE JANE WATERING THE GARDEN FLOWERS,
IT WAS EASY TO GUIDE WHEN YOU HAD SPECIAL POWERS.

A WHISPER IN THE EAR PRODUCED A YELLOW BREEZE,
MADE THEM BELIEVE AND GET DOWN ON THEIR KNEES,
I BLEW A FLUFFY CLOUD AND GAVE THEM ALL RAIN,
IT PASSED QUICKLY AND THEN THE SUN CAME AGAIN.

I REMEMBERED IT ALL WHEN I WAS A BOY,
NOW THERE'S NO MORE TIME LEFT TO FLY AND ENJOY.

THE CURTAINS WERE SHORT BUT WE DIDN'T WANT TO ABORT,
RATHER, WE WOULD CONTINUE WITH OUR LIFE, THE WIFE
SAID: 'SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE SHORT AND MUST BE ENJOYED,'
NO NEED TO BE ANNOYED AND TRAPPED IN A CONTINUAL VOID;
WHEN YOU WASH YOUR LIFE IT WILL DROP TO THE RIGHT LENGTH,
A NEW VISION, EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW, WHAT YOU COULD DO,
THEN IT WOULD COME AGAIN, NOT A CREASE, A NEW LEASE,
NOW WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE YEARS, CHEERS!
I SEE THE FOLDS, ONE AND A HALF TIMES, IT RHYMES
WITH CARING, STARING AND GLARING, A NEW BEARING,
THERE'S NEW HOPE - WE WOULDN'T WANT ANY DOPE, WOULD WE?
TTHE SONG'S NEARLY SUNG - IT'S GOOD EVERYTHING'S WELL HUNG,
NO NEED TO TRIM, AHEM, CONSIDER THE TIES THAT BIND,
I'M NOT GETTING UP THERE - NEXT TIME WE'RE HAVING BLINDS.