Thou didst not *******
I came of my own accord
now you tell me that you're bored
how can I improve on my sweet Lord

Thou art a ruffian - unskilled in the
art of *******, no tantric ***
more like Titanic with a hex
I always know what's coming next

Who wrote my script and said that:
I wouldst love you no matter what?
maybe it was you more likely than not
I must be thankful, pretend with what I've got

Now thou art coming again - never mind my pain
why is it that my loss has to be your gain?

I COULDN'T GO OUTSIDE IN CASE I GOT ZIKA,
BUT THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS GOING TO GET WEAKER,
I MET RONALDO, AT A FIFA PARTY AS YOU GO,
AND MESSI AND NEYMAR WHO HAD NOWHERE .. .. ,
THEY SAY THAT INDONESIA IS TO BE ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS,
BUT WE'VE HAD ENOUGH OF TORNADOES AND EXTREMISTS,
NAOMI SOCKED SOMEONE ELSE ON A BA PLANE,
AFTER DIVORCE, CHARLTON WON'T BE THE SAME AGAIN,
ENGLAND'S VOTING TO STAY WITH EUROPE OR NOT,
MOST DON'T GIVE A S.... , THEY'LL SAY THEY FORGOT,
TRUMP CONTINUES TO BORE US AND DEPLORE MOST,
DON'T LET MONEY BUY OR ENTERTAIN HIS ILLITERATE BOAST;
WE'LL GET ON WITH OUR LIVES, DON'T NEED THOSE GUYS,
THEY SHOULD REMEMBER THAT SOME THINGS ARE NOT GOVERNED BY THEIR SIZE.

NOT ALL POETRY SHOULD BE ABOUT DEPRESSION,
LOVE, WIND AND TEA-CUPS - I PREFER TO BE
THE DONALD TRUMP OF THE POETRY WORLD:
SEEMINGLY ILLITERATE, OBSCENELY DISSOLUTE,
UNINFORMED, SOCIOPATHICAL AND FALSELY MAGICAL;
SOMEONE SAID THAT, 'WE HAVE A DUTY TO
IMPART KNOWLEDGE,' I DID NOT ENTIRELY AGREE,
NOT ALL OF US ARE SUITABLY QUALIFIED AND THOSE
WHO ARE NOT MAY PASS ON THEIR OWN MISTAKES;
A TEACHER MISSPELT THE WORD '*******,'
AND NOW HALF THE TOWN IS WRITING THE WORD
BOLLUCKS INCORRECTLY; THOSE WHO CAN, DO AND
THOSE WHO CAN NOT, JOIN THE RADIO -LIKE CERTAIN
PRESENTERS, IT RINGS, WHO SEEM TO HAVE KNOWLEDGE OF ALL THINGS.

THOU SHALT NOT BE MISERABLE - MAN-UP,
YOU HAVE AN OBSESSION WITH DEPRESSION,
HERE BEGINS THE LESSON - WHAT IS YOUR REASON?
WRITE DOWN YOUR GOOD THINGS - WHAT A SMILE BRINGS.

RESPECT YOURSELF, YOUR PARENTS AND FAMILY FOR ME,
DO NOT MAKE ACCUSATIONS, RATHER DECISIONS,
DO NOT DESIRE THAT WHICH YOU CAN NOT HAVE,
DO NOT COMMIT ****** AND THEFT - USE WHAT'S LEFT.

DO NOT DESIRE ANOTHER PERSONS DONKEYS, SLAVES,
CATTLE OR THEIR PARTNER - THREE OUT OF FOUR SHOUD BE OK,
I FORGOT THE HOUSE - YOU HAVE ONE OF YOUR OWN,
WHEN IT COMES TO ADULTERY - I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

TODAY IS SPRING, I WANT TO HEAR WHAT MAKES YOU SING,
MAKE ME LAUGH, IF YOU SUCCEED - THE WINE I SHALL BRING.

Thanks to ayurvedic treatment my hair has grown long,
as I'm so successful, the products can't be wrong,
when I make love, my hair is as long as the bed,
just as wide - my suitors are attentive and easily led.

They said that they could imagine my hair spread
out on a pillow which vanshed below my good head,
we don't need a blanket - we just cover our skin,
musn't forget to remove my clips before we begin.

It has actually become an aid for great pleasure,
maybe even more lustrous, the next time I measure,
I can twine and  bind just about anything nearby,
there was so much magic - I didn't even have to try.

When I finally cut which may be my partner's decision,
someone else can go to bed with a beautiful extension!

I have everything - what do you have?
a loving wife, possessions - how about obsessions?
wishing for a younger woman, unlimited ***
conversational recognition to give you ignition

Put them aside - you had so many opportunities
they're gone - now grow up where you belong
you have dark moods, impatient, wished you were elsewhere
It's not the amswer - the answer is right before you

Transparent as the air that blows and caresses
your shoulders - only you have to take it under your wing
before the time is gone - even then you will be
holding hands walking together with your old smiles

You could start again - but it's best the way it was
there are no reasons - great love is simply because

They say that if you're not doping you're no-hoping
but without it I can say that I'm more than coping
maybe sometimes I might take a Polska beer
be careful - even that might make you feel queer

I tried hash but then started running short of cash
when you suddenly need something you make a mad dash
there's always speed, coke and amphetamine
but if you don't surface, you'll know what I mean

You just can't beat a decent *******
to give you good head and instant elation
I took all these aids and put them in the bin
be sensible and don't even try to begin

If I want ecstasy - then I'll just make love
it's the best feeling from heaven above

There is no driver - go anywhere for a fiver
Pod - cars troll Milton Keynes by no means
seen piloted in four years time - where's mine?
Then they come together in the land of never - never

The sat-nav tells us where we're going
ready to alight when it's finally slowing
what will they think of next? Send a text
with your suggestion - normality's in regression

No one is to blame when there's an accident
nothing is seen to describe an incident
however, at least no one can go on strike
and I won't be reduced to travel by bike

The atmosphere is electric, technology hectic
it was bad enough when we decided to go metric!

Were you given a star at school for good work?
a smiley face, very good or well done was a perk
I took all of these smiley faces into my soul
guaranteed for life to sustain my future role

Remember how art caught you out - I made a mess
and yet disaster was suddenly made good - more or less
now, woodwork led me to a great cutting edge
being allowed to take home my work was a privilege

metalwork taught me that flux was softer than butter
the words that arose within me - if only I could utter
mathematics made me figure things out - nothing I would lack
but when the master saw my red socks - he said: 'Get to the back.'

Then there was English - the best language to swear in,
such great enlightenment and depth will never come again

My companion has no clothes to speak of -
no odours, no form, only shape from being
born from flat ground - transparent in the round;
an open guide that pulls you from the inside
to a new plane not seen before - straight
thro' any solid door; where is this place
I've been escorted to? Encouraged and
gently led a long way above my head
seems familiar a a long time ago - the pace
of life here is very slow, timeless
airless, a pale hue - my Fair Isle pullover
must be a clue; seem smaller now
everyone taller just as ghostly friends dance
It appears that I've been given a second chance

Someone may look like me but that's
as far as it goes: no further, no less
my own DNA, biometric reading, oh! yes
A genetic fingerprint all of my own

My characteristics definitely home - grown
I wish I had thicker eyebrows, more
muscular body, more intelligence and
behave less oddly, but I think of the

good things and rely on others to tell
me what they are - not too many, I don't
really want to be a star, just me -
sort of reliable, sort of always there

I' m glad I have the time to stand and stare
you may think I'm odd - but there's only one me -
thank God!

I PLAY SUDOKU, CARDS AND CHESS,
BUT SUDDENLY WHAT'S MORE BECOMES LESS,
THEN, THERE'S BRIDGE, MONOPOLY AND LUDO,
WHAT'S MAYBE NEXT, I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUEDO;
MIND GAMES ARE THE WORST - JUST NUEROTIC
BUT THEY'RE NASTY, UNCALLED FOR AND DESPOTIC,
I FIELD THEM ALL LIKE ***** IN THE AIR,
I MUST CATCH, TO DROP THEM I WOULDN'T DARE,
THEN THERE WAS RUNNING, STAY IN THE RACE,
I'LL JUST HAVE TO SEE IF I CAN STAND THE PACE,
THERE'S NEVER A CROSSWORD THAT PASSES ME BY,
WHEN YOUR HAVING FUN, HOW THE TIME DOES FLY,
LIFE IS A CHARADE, GUESS WHAT COMES NEXT,
I'M NOT SURE, MAYBE HEAVEN - I'LL SEND YOU A TEXT!

PHAEDRUS WHERE ARE YOU NOW? WITH GREY LOCKS
AND LUCID MINDSET WHICH THE CRADLE ROCKS,
WE KNOW YOU, LISTEN TO YOUR TREATISE DREAM,
WHICH CAN NOT BE MET BY NOTHING AS IT SEEM;
PLATO MADE YOU CRAWL WITH TRUMPETS BLAZI NG,
LEFT YOU SPEECHLESS, STARING, ONLY GAZING
AT WHAT WAS NOT THERE, GONE LIKE A LOST SONG,
NOUGHT WAS THE SAME SINCE YOU CAME ALONG,
AN AGEING INCUBUS WITH LITTLE TO ACHIEVE,
YOU WOULD HAVE US ALL JUST WANTING TO BELIEVE,
THE SOPHISTS WERE ALWAYS RIGHT BUT YOU WERE WRONG,
ABOUT THINKING, ABOUT LIVING, ABOUT ANYTHING;
THE CLASS LEFT FOR THE DAY HAPPY AT DEPRESSION,
THERE WAS NOTHING BETTER THAN LISTENING TO YOUR LESSON.

I CAN WITHSTAND ANYTHING THAT COMES,
I'VE HAD MY RATION, IF GOD'S DONE HIS SUMS,
ANY KIND OF STORM, POWER CUT OR BLACK,
SOMETIME'S YOU WONDER IF YOU'RE EVER COMING BACK;
I'VE BEEN SNOWBOUND AND WITHOUT ANY KIND OF SOUND,
WHAT'S IT LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DOWN TO YOUR LAST POUND,
SACKED, RETRENCHED, HUMILIATED AND IGNORED,
YOU THINK YOU'VE BEEN FORSAKEN BY MY SWEET LORD,
ONCE I COULDN'T EVEN SEE WHAT WAS IN FRONT OF ME,
HOW STRONG ARE YOU IF YOU LOSE YOUR HOUSE AND FAMILY,
I'M TIRED, CAN'T GO ON ANY MORE IT WOULD SEEM,
YOU LOSE FAITH, RESILIENCE - YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN;
BUT THERE'S ONE THING LEFT - COUNT A BLESSING AS YOU DO,
HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE SOMEONE WITH YOUR POINT OF VIEW.

'I'm going to run away Miss - I'm taking
a t-shirt and a pound of ham with me,'
he wanted his dad, how very sad - that
little boy was barely a lad, treated bad.

My dad said that I shouldn't show anyone
my private parts, only my sister saw me,
she said: 'What's that?' I said: 'It's my *****,'
'It's got a hat on and looks so silly.'

'Where's daddy gone?' 'He's in heaven Billy,'
'Do they have a pub there?' 'No, only holy water,'
'Where do babies come from? Does the stork
bring them, is that why they have a big beak?'

'He hit me in the 'smalls' Miss, and that
boy who smells said that he wants to give me a kiss.

It was time to do some re - structuring
In - house changes were necessary to bring
about better performance, modernization
otherwise we'd be left behind with no motion

He spent his time leaning on a *****
doing nothing, not good enough we're afraid
then a quiz programme with as much charisma
as a wet fish - now we wouldn't want to be churlish

However, contract has expired, you're fired
from your duties - we're moving on to new things
anything must be better than what dullness brings
we may not use your services again -going

'Well gentlemen, that's another one gone
who shall we get rid of next so long.'

A man named Skinner came to dinner,
with knife poised to attack any so-called sinner,
where did his acerbic attitude come from I wonder,
it was not fair that he should cast any man asunder.

To be frank, he was the one who should work harder,
then, there may be more pleasantries stocked in his larder,
perhaps a change of heart is beyond some of us,
but if you don't - we won't let you on the bus.

We won't let you have any credibility,
until you gain some compassion and humility,
put your silly knife away described as fun,
otherwise we'll lock you up in the Tower of London.

You don't deserve accolades with your set of blades,
We won't waste our time as your pathetic memory fades.

I USED TO THINK THAT DOGS THOUGHT IN ENGLISH,
BUT, OF COURSE, IT COULD BE GERMAN OR SPANISH,
IF YOU TELL THEM TO SIT, THEY MAY NOT RESPOND,
JUST RUN AWAY TO THE BACK OF BEYOND;
I'M LOOKING UP 'SIT,' IN RUSSIAN, 'GET OFF
THAT ****** CHAIR,' IN CROATIAN AND 'COME
HERE, THERE'S A GOOD BOY' AND 'WELL DONE,'
PERHAPS WE JUST NEED AN 'ESPERANTO' SO
THAT THEY WILL ALL DO AS THEY'RE TOLD,
OTHERWISE WE WON'T LET THEM COME IN FROM THE COLD,
'STAY,' IN SWEDISH COULD MAKE THEM PEEVISH,
'FRIEND,' IN SWAHILI COULD MAKE THEM AN ENEMY,
WE DON'T WANT THEM TO BARK, MOPE AND PINE,
DON'T FORGET THE MAGIC COMMAND - 'NEIN, NEIN, NEIN!'

I DREAMED OF BISCUITS WHILE LYING IN BED,
SOMETHING YOU CAN'T DO WHEN YOU'RE FINALLY DEAD,
I DREAMED THAT MAYBE I WOULDN'T WAKE UP,
BUT FIRST I HAD TO DEAL WITH AN OVERFLOWING CUP,
PERHAPS I'LL STAY HERE - NEITHER AWAKE OR DECEASED,
OF LONGING FOR EVERYTHING MY APPETITE HAS INCREASED,
YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME OR CHANGE MY MIND,
TO STAY IN THIS LIMBO I AM RESIGNED
TO MAKE THE BEST OF WHAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN,
I'M NOW IN MY OWN KIND OF HEAVEN, WHERE
I CAN CONJURE UP EVERY NEED BY
FLICKING THRO' FILES AND SELECTING MY FAVOURITE
SMILES; SOMEONE'S SHAKING MY SHOULDERS BUT
TO NO AVAIL- WHATEVER I WANT, I WILL NOT FAIL.

THEY SAY THAT WE'RE DREAMERS, MAYBE SCHEMERS,
COULD BE A HIDDEN AGENDA BUT I'LL LOVE YOU TENDER,
I'M DIVIDED INTO ONE OF A GROUP DRINKING WINE,
WHILE WE DISCUSS WHICH IS THE BEST STAR SIGN;
GEMINI IS TWO-FACED, TAURUS JUST A RAGING BULL,
SCORPIO HAS A STING IN THE TAIL AND FALLIBLE,
PISCES TURNED HIS BACK ON ME MYSTERIOUSLY,
WHILE ARIES GRINNED ALONG SO WONDERFULLY,
CAPRICORN COULDN'T MAKE HIS MIND UP SO WENT AWAY,
CANCER WAS TERMINAL AND ONLY SPOKE ABOUT THE WEATHER,
LEO HAD RED HAIR AND LOOKED AS THO' SHE DIDN'T CARE
ABOUT AQUARIUS TICKLING HER BEHIND, JUST DIDN'T MIND
WHEN LIBRA STARTED TO TREAD ON HER TOES AND
KNEW THAT WHEN IT CAME TO VIRGO - ANYTHING GOES

TEQUILA SLIPPED DOWN EASILY, A MYSTERY
WHO THE NEW MAN WAS BECAUSE HE CARRIED
AN AURA WITH HIM WHICH EVEN HEMMINGWAY
MIGHT HAVE BEEN INTERESTED IN; THIS HEAT WAS
EVEN TOO MUCH FOR CAMPESINOS BUT NO
BEAD OF SWEAT APPEARED ON HIS FACE,
AS HE FIXED HIS GAZE ON ME MYSTICALLY,
HE SAID THAT, 'YOU WON'T SEE ME AGAIN
BUT WHEN YOU GO OUTSIDE IN THE DUST,
YOU'LL CARRY ME WITH YOU AND I WILL
GUIDE WHAT YOU DO,' AMAZINGLY, I BELIEVED
HIM, FINISHED MY DRINK AND DON'T CARE WHAT
YOU THINK, IT WAS TRUE - NEW ENERGY
GRIPPED ME AND NOW WHERE I WANTED TO BE.

MY  WIFE  SAYS  THAT  I  LOOK  LIKE  A  MEERKAT,
LIGHT COLOURED MOUSTACHE, GLASSES AND QUIZZICAL LOOK,
TO GET TO THIS STAGE - YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK,
I'M ALWAYS 'COMPARING THE MARKET.COM', LOOKING FOR DEALS,
TO SAVE MONEY, TO SAVE ANYTHING, ALWAYS APPEALS,
NOW INSURANCE IS ALWAYS A PAIN BUT EVERYONE
IS LOOKING FOR FINANCIAL GAIN, AGAIN AND AGAIN,
IF IT'S NOT MY CAR, IT'S THE HOUSE OR SOMETHING ELSE,
THE BOILER, HOME CONTENTS, ANYTHING THAT MAKES CENTS,
BUT I'VE GIVEN UP - EVEN THO' THESE ANIMALS MAY HAVE GOOD INTENTS,
I'VE TAKEN ALL THIS SAVED MONEY, HAVING A BALL,
IF SOMETHING BREAKS DOWN - I KNOW WHO TO CALL,
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR BOW-TIE, THE IMAGE RANKLES,
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, PLY YOUR TRADE ELSEWHERE - 'SIMPLES!'

I read the personal ads in the Indian magazine,
people looking for partners like a king and a queen,
the men are always handsome, ladies with gsoh,
how attractive they all were was just a rumour.

I replied to one which I thought might be fun,
we both agreed to meet to see what could be done:
She said, 'Your white, not brown.'
I said, 'That you must look lovely with your hair down.'

She asked: 'Do you speak Hindi, Tamil or Punjabi?'
I said, 'No, but you're speaking English - that's all I need to know,'
She asked, 'Do you own a house, have a good job and a car?'
I said, 'Yes,' to all but there was no bar.

We went for a ride in the country: We said, 'Yours or mine.'
We knew that it was best if we tried them one at a time.

You came from The Cape of Good Hope
the land of proteas, frangipani and antelope
I was there but not in the seventeenth century
rather, I waited for you to arrive from history

Your dark violet blue flowers looked my way
as though they had something special to say
they said that you will deny me three times
whe you arrive in these wonderful climes

But there I was amongst beautiful flowers
amazing in the place where Shaw said:
that, 'They have no scent and the birds have
no song,' even great men err - he was wrong

I t was a time of transition, bright light
not only dark magical blooms but pure white

ROBIN REDBREAST CAME MY WAY,
HE COCKED HIS HEAD AS THOUGH TO SAY:
'GIVE ME YOUR LIFE, SO LONGER,
I WOULD LIKE TO LIVE LIKE YOU -STRONGER.'

I SAID: 'BUT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL,
WITH YOUR FLASH OF RED,' SO IT'S SAID
THAT WE ENVY YOU AND THE THINGS YOU DO,
IT WOULDN'T BE THE SAME IF YOUR CHEST WAS BLUE.

PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL LEAVE ME FOOD,
EVEN IF, EVEN IF YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD,
YOU'LL NOTICE THAT I SAY SOME THINGS TWICE,
IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME TO HAVE YOU NICE.

YOU'LL SEE ME TOMORROW THRO' LEAVES AND GREEN,
THEN YOU CAN ASK ME WHERE AND HOW I'VE BEEN.

O' Casey had been told where the meeting was
senior members of the IRA would attend
he didn't know and thought that MI6 would be there
duped into assassination was a dangerous masterstroke
others knew that he was dissatisfied with the hierarchy
so if it transpired, he would be a likely target
If the real resaon was found, they would never forget
the old mainland action would be re-ignited
and the Brits cleverness found to be short-sighted
the peace process was a sham, arms locked away
Adams and McGuinness in suits, smug faces
while they postulated and mixed in high places
'You realize what were doing?' The ***** said
'Rather, let them carry on with their empty head.'

IT'S WISE TO OBSERVE NO SNOOTY RESERVE,
BUT DON'T LET YOUR LIPS NURSE A HIDDEN ITCH,
AS THO' WORDS MIGHT COME FROM SOMEONE
WHOSE DUMB, DON'T THINK EVERYTHING IS
PUNITIVE, RATHER GRASP ANY NETTLE AND
TURN IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE - TO COME
AWAY WITH A BONUS IS INCUMBENT
UPON US, JUST LIKE A CHESS GAME - THE
SLIGHTEST ADVANTAGE CAN WIN THE DAY
AND SURPRISE YOURSELF HOW LITTLE
YOU HAD TO PLAY; NO PERPLEXITY IS NEEDED,
NO FIXED EXPRESSION, RATHER SHOW SOME
OF YOUR SOUL AS THO' YOU KNOW WHERE IT'S AT,
RATHER THAN SUFFER THE ZIG-ZAG SMILE OF THE CAT!

LIFE IS JUST A BOWL OF CHERRIES,
WHY NOT ORANGES, APPLES OR KIWI FRUIT ?
A PERSON IS KNOWN BY THE COMPANY HE KEEPS,
WHO  CHOOSES WHO? THERE MAY BE LITTLE YOU CAN DO.

BEWARE OF GREEKS BEARING GIFTS,
WITH THE STATE OF THEIR ECONOMY, THERE ARE NONE LEFT,
A WOMAN IS A WOMAN AND A CIGAR IS A SMOKE,
ANY TAKERS FOR THIS ONE - MUST HAVE BEEN A ***.

HE WHO CAN DOES, HE WHO CAN NOT TEACHES,
SO I DID MANY THINGS AND MY WIFE LECTURES ( ME ),
ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, ENOUGH.

LIGHTNING NEVER STRIKES TWICE IN THE SAME PLACE,
IT DID, IT DOES AND THE SECOND TIME WAS WORSE.

They came for a half-term party
swarmed around me like instant charisma
wearing face-masks of Mourinho
I couldn't move - there was no place to go

I was taken back to when I was eighteen
misspent youth frittered away so they say
wished I was back there with them all
but it was gone - I couldn't any more

I couldn't be in love every other day
make outrageous comments, buy things on e-bay
not so many spots to pick at present
however, no jealousy, nothing to resent

I soaked up their bonhomie once more
gave a faint smile when I walked out the door

THE CURTAINS WERE SHORT BUT WE DIDN'T WANT TO ABORT,
RATHER, WE WOULD CONTINUE WITH OUR LIFE, THE WIFE
SAID: 'SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE SHORT AND MUST BE ENJOYED,'
NO NEED TO BE ANNOYED AND TRAPPED IN A CONTINUAL VOID;
WHEN YOU WASH YOUR LIFE IT WILL DROP TO THE RIGHT LENGTH,
A NEW VISION, EVERYTHING YOU NEVER KNEW, WHAT YOU COULD DO,
THEN IT WOULD COME AGAIN, NOT A CREASE, A NEW LEASE,
NOW WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE YEARS, CHEERS!
I SEE THE FOLDS, ONE AND A HALF TIMES, IT RHYMES
WITH CARING, STARING AND GLARING, A NEW BEARING,
THERE'S NEW HOPE - WE WOULDN'T WANT ANY DOPE, WOULD WE?
TTHE SONG'S NEARLY SUNG - IT'S GOOD EVERYTHING'S WELL HUNG,
NO NEED TO TRIM, AHEM, CONSIDER THE TIES THAT BIND,
I'M NOT GETTING UP THERE - NEXT TIME WE'RE HAVING BLINDS.

I MET THE 'UPTOWN GIRL' IN A DOWNTOWN BAR,
BILLY AND I SPOKE AWHILE ACROSS MANY A JAR,
NEW YORK BUSTLED AND HUSTLED AND WE WHISPERED
ACROSS THE TABLE, LAUGHED ABOUT McCARTNEY'S THIRD MARRIAGE,
RINGO'S STILL WITH BACH AND WALKS IN CENTRAL PARK,
BILLY SPOKE ABOUT THE 'PIANO MAN,'LIT HIS CIGARETTE,
SAID THAT THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO HADN'T BEEN FULFILLED YET,
HE ASKED IF I'D SEEN ELTON LATELY - HE STILL USED
SOME SUNGLASSES THAT HE'D BEEN GIVEN AT A WILD PARTY,
ASKED ABOUT ANNE - I SAID THAT 'SHE'S ALWAYS A WOMAN TO ME,'
HE LAUGHED AND SAID THAT SOUNDED FAMILIAR, SIMILAR
TO THE LOVES IN HIS LIFE BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT A WONDERFUL WIFE;
THE SECRET HE SAID, WAS 'HONESTY' WOULD ALWAYS GO FAR,
THEN SHE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, 'JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.'

THE LIGHT WAS RIGHT - A DUSTY YELLOW,
DARK BELOW, NOT TOO HIGH AND NOT TOO
LOW, WINE UNTOUCHED AND PICTURES ASKEW,
KEEP YOUR SHOES ON WHATEVER YOU DO,
SHADOWS MOVING AND SOULS PROVING THAT
MAGIC STILL EXISTS BEFORE AND AFTER LOVERS
KISSED, HEARTS BEATING AND MOMENTS FLEETING
TO THE RHYTHM OF THE CLOCK AND HANDS
THAT MOCK, FEEL THEIR WAY WITH  DEFT
SKILL - NOTHING ELSE MOVES, NEVER, UNTIL
PASSION FLOWS AND ROSE UP LIKE SUNBEAMS
FINDING POLISHED SURFACES EVER EXTENDING,
ARCHED BACKS LIKE WILLOWS ABENDING,
WITH WAIT AND GO - TOMORROW NEVER COMES.

I'VE HEARD OF SHANGRILA - THEY SAY
THE HOTEL IS  NOT TOO FAR - JUST STROLL
IN, ORDER YOUR MEAL AND THEN I'LL
TELL YOU ABOUT THE DEAL : FIFTEEN
THOUSAND POUNDS FOR TEN PEOPLE,
SOUNDS A BIT STEEP AND I'LL ASSURE
YOU IT'S NOT AN ERROR - FROM SHARKS
FIN SOUP TO ABALONE, MUST BE BETTER
THAN HOME-ALONE OR IS IT? GROSS
OPULENCE FOR MOST OF US - ANY TRAVEL
PROBLEMS - WE'LL BUY THE BUS - A MERE
SNIP FOR MR. ABROMOVITCH - WE WOULDN'T
WANT TO QUEER HIS PITCH, PERHAPS IT'S
TIME TO PAUSE AWHILE, JUST TO SEE MY SICKLY SMILE.

Someone's speaking rhetoric - do they want
an answer? Maybe not and when you ask them
they seem to have forgot, in denial and afraid
of being on trial; biting sarcasm reduces one

To a spasm, two into a chasm and three has 'em
in a box, cornered like a nervous runnig fox
I'll hold off and have some compassion - I think
today I've given all my ration: greatness is

Born from tolerance, modesty, knowledge, intuition
and honesty but most important is knowing when
to administer a degree of each - am I good enough
to teach this homespun philosophy - of course not

Keep your thoughts to myself, don't bore you and me -
come back one day when you have your PhD

Some may have stood here better than me,
there were winners and losers fading history,
some were so good - they brought a tear,
they brought laughter, beauty to everyone here.

I've tried to keep up, tried to go beyond,
amazing what comes when you wave your magic wand,
stardust becomes a must - something you can trust,
the result may not always be right but just.

Strangely fair that you should arrive at a solution,
in the beginning there was light beyond evolution;
I salute my fellow writers, their determination,
their bravado pursuing heights for so long.

I am with you - will be forever, you know me,
and one day you may achieve immortality.

I WANT YOU - I'M HERE AS ALWAYS,
LET'S THINK OF YOUR DAY TODAY - THEY SAY
THAT A WALK IN THE SUN IS GOOD, CAST
OTHER THINGS ASIDE - I KNOW YOU CRIED.

I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO;
ANNE TALKS SO MUCH THAT I NEARLY MISSED THE GULF WAR,
YOU SEE, WE HAVE TO DEAL - I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL,
HOW DO I KNOW? I'VE BEEN THERE, I'VE FELT LOW.

I'LL WRITE A WORD NOW AND THEN - IF I
HEARD YOU CRY - PICK UP 'COMFORT,' YOU'LL KNOW
I'M THERE - YOU'LL SAY: 'WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I SAY: 'THINK OF GREEN AND RED - NO MORE BLUE.

THINK OF ORANGE AND PINK - HOW NICE YOU LOOK,
YOU'LL WONDER WHY JUST HOW LONG IT TOOK.'

When all seems lost - take stock of everything,
there was a way which positive thinking might bring,
black became green, red became yellow and said hello,
God looked after you and monitored all you might do;

If you adjust your mindset you can gain success,
It's like a business seminar when more doesn't become less,
you see the guy standing there - saying: 'Yes, I was
like you once - suspicious, wary - solutions were scary.'

Do you know where your going to? Answers may vary -
so you took all these pearls of wisdom and then some,
and waited for manna from heaven, nirvana to come,
not always but sometimes fortune drifted into your kingdom.

Don't despair, help is at hand by strange means or fair,
whichever way it comes after all, someone does care.

You have a wife and four daughters
and a colleague amongst your supporters
mindset engineered: you answer a question
with a question and indulge in light sensationalism

My wife befriends many people - a natural star
suddenly they're saying the same things that you are
ideas are pinched, put to use, there's no excuse
for queering my pitch - you stupid *****

No offence meant: I hold myself to account
who am I to hold court, judgemental nonsense
don't say anything, go sit yourself on the fence
come back to me when you have pounds, shillings and pence

Some commontators seem less than cool
it's doubtful if they could explain the offside rule

Now you're ready to go and knock 'em dead
ever since you read 'War and Peace'
you ran up a hill shooting wild geese
depression lifted - such a happy release

You sat bolt upright in the middle of the night
couldn't wait to get out there, that's alright
do what you want to do, nothing held back
I've given you purpose - now you'll have the knack

of sussing things out, see what life's about
from now on you will have no more doubt
I see you jumped on a horse - ruffled
someone's hair as a matter of course you did, you beaut

I'm watching to see how you'll get on
the golden dust you leave will be long gone

Just imagine that you're standing on a hill looking down
there before you is everything that you didn't own
no one wanted to see you and remembered your song
what you did, the way you conducted yourself was wrong

And yet - there is contrition born out of this condition
even tho the doubters would wish for an explanation
you can't give them one, you are what you've always been
which is a signature in different shades of green

You walked the colonnades and people began to stare
then the whispers: 'You see, isn't that him over there?'
It is no matter - everyone is changed now, mellow somehow
you have to live, try to give, not encounter a silly row

We may all be together again - the way I have returned
and then we'll see just how much we've all really learned

A LADY BOOK CRITIC WENT TO INTERVIEW
A LEADING JAPANESE AUTHOR - SHE WAS EXCITED
AT MEETING THE GREAT MAN AND PREPARED
MANY QUESTIONS WHICH SHE WISHED TO ASK HIM.

THE MAJOR INQUIRY WAS: 'WHERE DO YOU GET
YOUR IDEAS FROM? WHAT INSPIRES YOUR WORK?'
HE REPLIED: 'MY DEAR,' HE SAID, GIVING HER A
WITHERING LOOK, 'I JUST PLUCK MY IDEAS FROM
THE SKY AND IN MY EXPERIENCE NEVER WONDER WHY.'

SHE WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED AND REFUSED TO READ
ANY OF HIS WORK FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS.

PERHAPS CRITICS SHOULD HAVE MORE INSIGHT -
A LEADING TV REVIEWER WAS FULL OF FILM NOIR
AND FANCY WORD WHICH ONLY SERVED TO MAKE HIM  SOUND ABSURD.

From the calm to the rough, the going was tough
you wondered if you were made of the right stuff
there was a foot on the porthole so it stayed
the sea pulsed by, the colour of frothy jade

'Don't you drop ash on the sail,' the captain said
it will shred in the wind and we'll all be dead'
no sooner that we were out, we had returned
extinguished the *** before the sail burned

My world had been fourteen feet, I'm now discrete:
about how bad things can be to everyone I meet
about the images that came before me
my lone battle with the tempestuos sea

It was nothing but to me everything
amazing the peace calm water could bring

YOU SEE PEOPLE HOLDING BOXES WITH THEIR MEDALS INSIDE,
FOR SEVICES TO HUMANITY THEY'RE RECEIVED WITH PRIDE,
MOST OF US ARE ONLOOKERS TO SUCH A SPECIAL DAY,
BUT NOTHING IS BEYOND ALL INDIVIDUALS SO THEY SAY:
THAT IT WAS UNEXPECTED WHEN THE COMMUNIQUE' CAME,
SUMMONING ONE'S PRESENCE TO APPEAR BEFORE THE QUEEN,
I WONDERED WHAT SHE'D ASK ME - NOW I HAD TO BE SEEN
TO BE SOMEONE SPECIAL, SOMEONE TO REVERE, ASK ADVICE,
HOISTED INTO A LOFTY POSITION, STRANGELY MAY NOT BE NICE;
'MR. ANDREW, I'VE READ YOUR WORK - I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL YOU SAY
BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT WE MUST HONOUR A WRITER OF THE DAY,
I'D LIKE TO HEAR MORE, PLEASE EXPLAIN, JOIN ME FOR LUNCH ON FRIDAY;'
I'M HELD TO ACCOUNT, NO PLACE TO HIDE, DOWN ON MY KNEES,
THE SWORD BRUSHED MY SHOULDERS, NO MORE CIVIL LIBERTIES.

There was not a lot to worry about so
nothing could be held up without it being sold
Faberge' brushed shoulders with art deco pieces
money paid guaranteed immediate releases

The reps had phones to their ears getting the nod
there was a clown's outfit which was rather odd
because the clown was still inside - did the body come too?
or was it to be stripped naked like me and you?

We have lost everything - it's all in the room
there was a smile from a man leaning on a broom
I want my sofa back, my favourite armchair
the bed we made love in where you lay bare

Even your smile was for sale, admired from afar
golf clubs, personal effects, my teeth in a jar

IT WAS STEAMY HOT WITH FANS SWIRLING ABOVE,
THERE WAS NO TIME FOR THE MILITIA OR EVEN
TO MAKE LOVE, JUST CONTINUE WITH THE
PIPELINE DAY AFTER DAY, FROM ONE CLEARING
TO THE NEXT ACROSS VAST TRACTS OF LAND,
DUST TO DUST TAKEN OUT NOW GRAINS OF SAND,
LOCAL LABOUR BROWN AS TEAK DOES NOT
FLINCH WHEN I START TO SPEAK - JUST
WATCHFUL AND DOWNTRODDEN BUT WILLING TO
LEARN, MAYBE IN THE NEXT LIFE IT MIGHT BE
MY TURN TO FACE HUMILITY UNDER JUNGLE SKIES,
WHEN IT'S ALL OVER , WORK IS FINISHED AND CONVERSATION DIES;
'ON THE ROAD TO MANDALAY WHERE THE FLYING FISHES PLAY,
THE DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER FROM CHINA ACROSS THE BAY.'

YOU MAY LEAD A HORSE TO WATER BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM DRINK,
THAT'S BECAUSE THE POOR ******'S NOT THIRSTY,
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTED,
ESPECIALLY AFTER HE'S JUST ****** FARTED.

YOU CAN'T MAKE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR,
THEY MAY NOT APPRECIATE THAT ANYWAY IN TYNE AND WEAR,
A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH,
LISTEN MATE, I'M QUITE HAPPY WHEN SHOVE COMES TO PUSH.

AS YOU MAKE YOUR BED, SO YOU SHALL LIE IN IT,
I DON'T MAKE THE BED BUT STILL GET IN ****,
BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER,
MUST HAVE BEEN UGLY BECAUSE GOT A SLAP WHEN I TOLD HER.

PERHAPS ITS TIME FOR A MAKE-OVER FROM GOK,
BUT MAN IN SWING DOOR IS STILL GOING TO BANGKOK.

THERE WAS A SMALL BROWN BOY ALL ALONE,
MY TROUBLES WERE NOUGHT COMPARED WITH HIS,
A WAVE HAD TAKEN HIS FAMILY AWAY
AND HIS HOUSE, AND NOTHING WOULD EVER BE
THE SAME AGAIN - ALL THAT'S LEFT IS JUST
THE PAIN; BUT THERE WERE SOME THINGS I
COULD DO TO HELP, AS AN AID WORKER IN
THE WRONG PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME - HE
BECAME RATHER LIKE A SON OF MINE;
NEW PEOPLE TO LOOK AFTER HIM WITH FOOD
AND SHELTER PROVIDED WAS FORTUNATE,
GOD WAS WATCHING OVER HIM AND HIS FATE,
THE SCARS WILL TAKE TIME TO HEAL BUT
WHEN I SEE HIM SMILE, I'LL KNOW MY HELP WAS WORTHWHILE.

TWO DIFFERENT WORDS - THE DIFFERENCE IS ABSURD,
I''VE FORGOTTEN 'IN' AND NOW THERE'S A THIRD,
WE KNOW WHAT'S BEST AND ALSO WHAT'S EQUAL,
BUT MAYBE INEQUALITY BECOMES A DOUBTFUL SEQUEL;
ALL THIS RHETORIC IS BORING - I HEAR YOU SNORING,
AMAZING ALL THE NONSENSE YOU READ WHEN PORING
OVER SOMEONE'S TREATISE BUT WHOSE TO SAY 'BOO,'
IT''S WRITTEN LIKE ROTE AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE A THING;
NE ' ER MIND, YOU TAKE WHAT YOU CAN FROM THE ERUDITE MAN,
SUDDENLY I FEEL SORRY FOR THE MIND OF AN ARTISAN,
EVERYONE IS MISSING SO MUCH - THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT
'QUALITY' MEANS, NOT SURE OF INEQUALITY, IT'S A PITY
THAT 'EQUALITY' IS NOT THERE, LET THEM STAND AND STARE;
YOU'LL KNOW THAT THEY'LL JUST SAY - 'I REALLY DON'T CARE.'

'HEY, JOHN BOY, I HEAR THAT YOU'RE GOING TO VIETNAM,'
'THAT'S RIGHT, THEY WANT SOME OIL EXPLORATION, SO HERE I AM,'
' I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN STAND ALL THAT HEAT,'
'IT'S OKAY, I'M USED TO IT - PART OF MY BEAT.'

I REMEMBER SAIGON, SWIRLING FANS OVERHEAD,
WHEN YOU RETURNED FROM WORK, YOU FELT HALF -DEAD,
SOME OF THE GIRLS IN HANOI LOOKED LIKE A BOY,
THAT'S BECAUSE THEY WERE (ONCE) IN DODGY EMPLOY.

A BOMB WENT OFF IN A CAFE - BLEW IT TO BITS,
KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN, HAD TO BE CAREFUL TO KEEP YOUR WITS,
WHEN YOU'RE MAKING LOVE, YOU FORGET DEATH,
MORE CONCERNED THAT YOU MIGHT RUN OUT OF BREATH.

JOHN BOY NEVER CAME BACK, SAD TIME, MAYBE A
DESTINY, KILLED ON A MOTORBIKE LIKE LAWRENCE OF ARABIA.

I can make two paces forward, one to the side,
must win the day if you're to be my bride,
you gave me a garter on the edge of my lance,
I salute you whilst you watch my horse prance.

The castle alongside me was my refuge,
prizes of victory and esteem were huge,
my adversary glared at me with nasty hate,
I'd surveyed the scene, arrived in the lists late.

Bois - Gilbert looked familiar, reminded me of Justin G,
my pen is my sword, there was an air of finality,
we galloped towards each other, words in hand,
only room for one of us in my fair lady's land.

I will celebrate my victory with a flowing cup,
when I made contact with his body - he didn't get up.