And when you’re alone, it will hit you hard
The sadness will crawl into your veins and eat you up alive
It will crush your soul and leave you breathless
You will remember every single tear you’ve shed and you’ll feel a deep stab on your chest
You dare to scream but no one can hear you
You are alone in this nightmare and no one can help you
Not even the one that holds your heart
It’s not the memories that haunt you but the words left unspoken
You try to grasp for air, you cannot even  utter a single word
You try to reach out but you know you can’t touch the stars
Figuring out how to put an end to the bittersweet misery of remembering fleeting moments
Nightmares
You are my nightmare

You are real
I know you are because I saw you
I can never forget the look on your eyes when you met mine
and that smug that made time freeze

You are real
I know you are because I felt you
The tender touch of your hand
and that gentle yet excruciating feeling when you grabbed my neck

You are real
I know you are because I heard you
Your laughter that haunted every nerve in my body
and the sound of your heavy breathing as I watch you sleep

Are you real?
I am no longer sure you are because I can't find you
I need to find you
I need to know that you still exist in real life
and not just on my 3am drunk thoughts

I need to find you
I need to know that you won't hurt me
I need to to know if your existence would affect my present and my future

I want to find you
I need to find you
Before you find me

I can only remember very few liberating moments in my life:

That one time when my dad got mad because I sneaked out of the house to buy candy and when I went back to the house, he was crying. It was the first time that I saw him cry.

That time when I heard Earthmover live for the first time and it was raining hard. I was contemplating about my life, the future with a friend. Asking ourselves what might happen to us in 5 years. That was 2012 and I wish I had it all figured out by then. I was also drunk.

That time when I caught my first wave. I felt free and alive for the first time. I was so stoked, I almost cried as I paddled back to the lineup. Then I pigged out afterwards.

And that time when I went on a date with a stranger. Nothing super fancy, no pressures. A date that lasted for 8 hours. Went to work the next day with literally no shut-eye but my heart was happy.

A few months from now, I am going to marry that guy. Nothing fancy, but there will be a lot of *****, definitely. I’ll be marrying the guy who made me feel the exact same feeling when I caught my first wave, alive. I still haven’t figured everything out, and I guess I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay.  And how I wish I could see my dad cry when he sees me in my white dress. But that's something that would never happen.

For that one night that made us feel alive
For all the fleeting moments we never thought we'd share together
For all the stories we painted in shallow walls
For the sins that we almost committed, but didn't
For the pain that you've caused my heart
For all the thank you's
For all the goodbyes
This is my final goodbye
You'll forever linger in my mind

Ilang taon akong nabulag sa paniniwalang kailangan mo munang makaranas ng sakit bago mo makamit ang tunay na ligaya.
Na ang bawat luha ay may katumbas na galak, na ang bawat gabi ng pighati ay may pangako ng isang masayang umaga.

Ilang taon akong nakipagsapalaran sa pagibig na mapagpanggap. Kaliwa't kanang kabitan, walang katapusang kasinungalingan.
Pagibig na sa harap ng madla ay puno ng kilig at lambing. Ngunit sa ilalim ng mga yakap at mga halik ay ang mga pasa at sugat na dulot ng masasakit na salitang sing talim ng bagong hasang lanseta.

Ilang taon akong nasanay sa kalungkutan, walang kadaladala. Sugod ng sugod sa labang alam ko namang sa bandang dulo ay ako ang uuwing talunan. Pilit akong kumapit sa mga maling tao. O tamang tao sa maling pagkakataon. O sa akala ko'y tamang tao pero hindi naman ako gusto. Sakit no?

Ilang taon akong sumugal sa mga relasyong walang kasiguraduhan, sa pagibig na "pwede na", kahit alam ko sa sarili kong walang patutunguhan. Minsan nga kahit wala nang kakabit na emosyon basta lang may pantawid sa tawag ng laman pinapatos ko ng walang pagaalinlangan.

Ilang taon akong pansamantalang nakisilong sa iba’t ibang tahanan. Na sa una’y buong puso ang pagtanggap ngunit sa bandang dulo ay walang habas din akong pinagtabuyan palabas.

Ilang taon? Hindi ko na mabilang. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang taon akong nagtapang tapangan na suungin ang mga tila panibago na namang disgrasyang maaari kong kaharapin sa proseso ng paghahanap ng tunay na ligaya. Isang pagibig na may pangako ng walang hanggan.

Hanggang sa... napagod na ako. Sa wakas, napagod na ako. Napagod na akong kwestyunin ang kalawakan sa kung bakit palagi na lang akong pumapalya sa pagibig. Napagod na akong magtiwala. Natakot na akong magtiwala. Natakot na akong buksang muli ang puso ko sa susunod na estrangherong magsasabing “hindi kita sasaktan, peksman mamatay man”

At Unti unti kong napagtanto na sa ilan taon kong paghahanap ay ako, ako ang nawala.

At nahanap mo ako.

Ikaw ang naging sagot sa bawat tandang panong na ibinato ko sa kalawakan sa loob ng maraming taon. Tinuldukan mo ang lumbay at ipinamukha sa akin na hindi ko kailangang masaktan para makamtan ang tunay na ligaya. Na kailanma'y hindi ako dapat lumuha dahil sa hinagpis. Hindi ka nangakong hindi mo ako sasaktan, ngunit ipinadama mo sa akin ang  ang masarap **** pagaalaga. Pagaalagang hindi kailangan malaman ng iba para mapatunayan na bukal sa loob ang hangarin. Binigyan mo ako ng dahilan para muling magtiwala.

... Ng lakas na sayo ay kumapit at ipadama sayo ang init at gigil ng pagibig na ni minsan ay hindi ko naipadama sa sinoman. Binigyan mo ako ng pagasa... ng dahilan para muling maging matapang.


At ngayon, sa unang pagkakataon.
Buong tapang kong ipagsisigawan sa buong mundo na palangga ta ka. Na handa na ako sa pagsisimula ng isang bagong paglalakbay kasama mo mahal ko. At oo, oo ang naging sagot ko.

Slowly find your balance
Feel the flow
Know your limit
Capture the moment
And say goodbye

I kept mum about things for a while
Kept my emotions hidden under my bones
A lingering pain of a love untold

Burning polaroids of regret
Channeling the inner desires of thy soul
A haunting memory of you

Finally we've reached the end of the road
I thanked you
You said goodbye