“Is that a girl?”
“I must be mistaken”
“His voice is what gives him away.”
“I can see that his stubble is just growing in”
“And his shoulders are broad”
“Keep that **** pervert away.”

I will come back to you
A little taller than before
You will never know what's true
How my legs and arms tore
I really hate the summer
The breeze makes me sad
I’ll try not to be a ******
But you know I can’t make you glad
I’ve always been scared
That summer brings death
(Sticky hot and flies buzz round
Upon the roadkill on the ground)
I’ll never know if you cared
Getting close so I can feel your breath
The summer is worse than spring
In that the birds won’t sing

I mourn the self that was taken from me.
A beautiful woman that I’ll never be.
A stunning reflection that I’ll never see.

Instead, a short man, barely any stubble.
Will be made, created, formed out of her rubble.
In a sense, I’m two people, metaphorically double.

I’m the man that I am, but also her too.
She lies in the organs and ******* that I grew.
She never would have existed if earlier I knew.

She is my body, and he is my mind.
Though sometimes I want to, I can’t leave either behind.
I hope if they were to meet me, they’d say I am kind.

Flower petals do not die
Fold them neatly
And place them on my upper thigh
Think about how they do treat me
Like I’m the thorn to a rose
Wishing to ***** their pointer finger
They don’t know me I suppose
Maybe when I grow up I’ll be a drinker
Drink myself to death and beyond
slouch upon my ***** couch
Thinking about the time when I was blond

I cannot reach the fruit on the tall tree in the woods
And all the men next to me are always telling me
C'mon man, just reach up high and grab one
C'mon man, the fruit tastes so very delicious
C'mon man, every real man here can, go on
C'mon man, you can't be that small, grab one like the rest of us

Well I am
And I cannot reach the fruit they can
So I will walk further in the forest
To find a tree small enough for me

And I see
Another boy like me
Picking the fruit of the small tree
And I will say
C'mon man, let us eat the fruit together
Because surly
The tall tree is not meant for us boys.

Wading through the waters of the past
You know this feeling will not last
But the rain just won't cease to pour
This life is known to be just a bore
Filling up your past with water
Gone with the flood is your poor old daughter
Raveging through cities and towns
Stand up on your roof so you won't drown
But in that tall wall of destruction
Is a body in need of reconstruction
Begging you to jump into it
Tell your mother you’ll be back in a bit
Back with a new friend that she doesn’t like
After the flood strike
You’ve changed beyond recognition

“You dated a girl and she became a man”
He
Was always
Man

It feels like
Relief.

Taking a deep breath and
Breathing for the first time.

Looking in the mirror and seeing someone familiar
Instead of that stranger that only grew more foreign with time.

A weightlessness from letting go of the heavy load
That had accumulated over the 15 years.

If feels like
Utter, pure joy.
Excitement.
Relief.
Freedom.

You can't open  the session with,
"How suicidal have you been feeling?"
And expect me not to immediately shut down.

"[Deadname], I know you're not..."
Choose your words carefully.
"stupid,"
Score.

"I know you can do it, you just choose not to."
It was never a choice, just a response.

"Come on, [deadname], just talk to me."
How am I meant to tell you to tell you of the deepest darkest parts of myself when you don't even know
my name.