i miss the sight of blood
flowing out
of this body
as much as i miss
the safety & false brief relief
that used to lead me
to my own depths.

I tried to forget about her
I tried to forget the pain
I tried so hard
but it's not the same
She will always be on my mind
even when I cannot focus on my mind
She will be the one that haunts my dreams and my drunken
thoughts of love and home
Sh was always the one person who if I even thought of her could stop
me from ripping myself to pieces or stop me from putting myself
6 feet under
But now who's here to stop me
The guy who only wants me for ***
A friend who never talks to me anymore
The family who didn't want me in the first place
Nobody
I guess nothing is the same since then
Nothing

It's such pretty paint
The canvas lies in wait
It's takes one cut, then another
She marks the canvas
Putting her soul into it
Signing it with her tears.

I was with my boyfriend today.
When i started crying randomly he got confused and tried to comfort me..
But he couldn't
Cause i can'ttell him what's wrong..
He'd just be dissappointed that i feel worse again and that i lost 3 kg in a week.

I can't dissappoint him like that..

Why is it that when you're sick enough.
Recovery feels like the sickness and the relapses feel like recovery?

I think you could compare my situation to a wound.

At first it's a papercut.
Doesn't look like much.
But stings as hell.
Everyone knows that, but no one admits.

Then it turns into a cut.
Still doesn't look like much.
Stings less, but hurts more.
But it doesn't mean much it's just a cut.

And after a while it'll be a fleshwound.
Trips to the ER to get it fixed.
Everyone knowing and asking about it.
Everyone being concerned.

Then it'll get fixes and heal slowly.
But sometimes you rip it back open.
But no one notices that after a while.
You don't want them to know.

This is one of the wounds that'll never heal, there will always be a scab to pick at when you're sad.
You keep ripping it open.

But at one point you learn how to
Protect it, it'll just take a while
And It'll be hard.
But there will still be a wound.

I remember that dreadful day
when my life was changed.
my happiness
my freedom
all taken away from me
I lost the little independence I had
your intimidating posture was overwhelming
I didn't have the strength to defend myself
my body would flinch
at every touch
I was out of it like I was drugged.
I was paralyzed with panic.
you gained pleasure
I gained pain.
my expression was dark
yours unsentimental
after the unthinkable
my arms were covered with scars.
I feared being alone
I went to war with myself.
I became an unrecognizable monster
I wasn't strong enough to handle the pain.
two years later,
I remember that dreadful day
when my life changed.

She started doing exercises so she could be stretchy.
So she could be ****.

She started putting on makeup so she could be pretty.
So she could be perfect.

She started starving herself so she could be thinner.
So she could be a winner.

She started cutting so she could they'd all notice her.
So she'd with her demons concur.

She hang herself so she wasn't in the way.
So she didn't have to stay.

I've always been obsessed with bones

When i was only 10 years old i saw a beautiful woman with extremely skinny, long and straight legs.
I wanted to be like her.

As long as i can remember i've always looked at peoples collarbones.
My friends says i'm obsessed with bones.

"How many coins can you stack on your collarbones?
I can stack 23 on each.
Wanna see a picture?"

If you want to look skinnier,
push back your *** and lean a bit forward.
That way you'll appear to have a thigh gap.

When i get anxious,
i rub the places on my body where i can feel bones.
It calms me to know i still have them

If you want to lose weight.
Starving is a great idea.
Drink water to fill you up, and burn at least 800 calories a day.

When i feel sad, i hit myself.
I don't like cutting, not anymore.
Bruising is much better.
The bonier you are the faster you bruise.

Everyone relates to a skeleton.