If I'm the reason your smile dimmer
Shine on me
If I'm the reason your laugh change
Joke on me

The first time is always the worst time
Its when the "I love you's" are fresh
And your lover shows respect
And you keep each other in check

Somebody should of checked me
I was strong willed but weak minded
Lusting for that physical contact
Enough never is enough
So when yu ask "Am I ok" I reply with a bluff ...****

**** still ain't change, It's strange
How I can know this gonna hurt you
And when you leave I know I'll hurt too
I know that i ain't no good but wouldn't let you find somebody worth you

Who won't lie, cheat or neglect
Won't fix their mouth to disrespect
Who won't abuse your love and never put they hands around your neck

I'd break my neck to make this up to yu
When a **** ***** break your heart
I wanna be there to hold you close
But that **** ***** me now
Maybe its better I just go ghost

If I'm the reason you trust less
Forget i existed
If I'm the reason you love different
Stop loving me

Just know I won't stop loving you
"How can you hurt someone you love?"
Easy and simple: Be a fool
Be a selfish *******, want more and more
Just dont be surprised when reality knock on your door

I cant do this to you baby
But the guilt is driving me crazy
I'm getting more cuts then ever
I'm still in a phase of changing

I'm just hoping that by the end of this
You will still be my strong queen
You won't be hesitant to love
Yo heart will still be as pure as when you was with me

People fall out and go so cold
Don't let that happen to you, please
Don't be another "One of Them"
Feel, Understand, and Recover
This life were given is so slim

Be Stronger than people think you to be
Be Happier than what your thoughts are
Be Wiser than your actions are
Be You, and only get better

I try pretty hard
To keep it together
Because of chemical imbalances
And imbalances in life.

And try as I might,
I falter a lot.

And it's easy to get sick of
My tears and flinching form.

And I can feel myself
Pulling away,
It's safer
this way,

The darkness whispers to me,
And though I pull and tear and scratch
At it's hold,
I feel it encroaching ever closer.

And this is why I am so needy as of late,
So pushy about attention and being near you.

You are a light
That keeps the desire
To flee and all the darkness
It brings with it
At bay.

Try as I might,
I can't do this on my own.

You took my heart right out of my chest
Like a knee to the stomach I often received
But will never forget.

You stomped on it and crushed it
Until all that was left was blood and shrapnel,
All because you lied and couldn't commit.

And then you came along and forced your way in,
It was easy and thoughtless and ******,
And according to all your friends, I had it coming.

Gas lighting and manipulating
Pushing me over the edge over and over and over
Throwing hissy fits when you left me and I started dating.

You use people like they're toys
And treat them like they're trash.
All I can remember is the low of your voice,
It's my most disdained noise.

It's hard to bring myself out of it,
Out of the screaming matches
And the cruelty and my lips being split.

But I know he'll never hurt me
Like either of you did.
Because he's not so beastly,
And I'm, for some reason, worthy
Of kindness and being treated gently.
And his love is setting me free
Of the shackles you both have placed on me.

He was smiling,
But I know that smile.
That's the
"Thinking about something else, someone else. Are we done yet?"
Smile.

He made a silly face,
But I know that face.
That's the
"How many likes can this get, how much immediate gratification can I get?"
Face.

He held her close,
And I cringe.
Not because it hurts,
No.
I cringe because I feel pity for the poor girl.
I know that body language.
That's the
"You are a possession,  you are an item."
Way he holds his arms.
That's the
"You're a trophy, you're my possession."
Way he props his shoulders.

I don't appreciate her friends
Sending me pictures of them together,
But after blocking them,
I push down the urge to save her.
It's not my business, it's not my place.
Hopefully he changed for her.

But I know that the self-serving monster
That he is
Will always somehow survive.

Of course, what do I know?
He was a blip on my radar of life.
A single year gone to waste.

His wounds won't last
So deep.

People like to blot
People like me out
With heavy clots of
Black ink
Or white out
Depending on how much damage
They want to pretend I did,
And how often they like to
Throw pity parties
And how much proof
They want to have.

I take ownership
Of my sins
But don't try to make them
More than they were.

But with how often
I've been
Blotted out

It's easy to understand
Why I want you to
Remember my name.

It's easy to erase someone
From your memory
From existence
And pretend they were never
A part of you
Or you never a part of them

It takes great bravery
To look at the mistakes you made
And admit they were yours.

Now I've created a situation
Where I can't live a double life
I cornered myself
With a devastating confession
Now I am a wild animal
Observed and charted
From an inherent distance
Solitary by nature
And beaten by natural law

Do I belong in hospitals?
While I keep digging my own grave.
And I guess while I'm at it,
a mote to keep loved ones away.
My comfort and my misery,
why must they be one in the same?

"I was kinda hoping you'd"
Swallow down the fear,
Keep your head up,
"stay?"

Sheepish grins
And awkward shuffling of feet.

Body language,
And touching of shoulders
Arms
Wrists
Hands.

I spent my summer
Trying to get better,
And I've got to be honest,
I think I'm really getting there.

So when you ask me what I want,
What's going on,
It's stupid
But
All I wanna say is
"I was kinda hoping you'd stay?"

You're just the air I breathe,
No big deal.
Doesn't make a difference
To me.

I'm just a nobody,
Silent as I wander the halls
Of misfortune and misery,
But every nobody needs somebody.

You're just the foundation
For everything I attached my hopes onto.
And I know it sounds insane,

But there are crows lining up
On telephone wires.
And ravens picking at the grass--
Or it would be grass,
Save for the fire.

And I can hear the beat of war drums
Beating along with the calm surrender of your heart.
And little things like to eat away
At me and my heart,
Like the fact that I'm not good enough,
Or for a little while, you'll go away.

And I know I'm still a work in progress,
I'm just incomplete
I'm just unfinished
I'm just still working on it
And you're just there,
You just know
You just understand.

And my head aches
And the rooms spins
And you're just the air I need to breathe
I'm just a nobody
But I'm gonna be somebody
To someone
Someday.

****,
I just hope it's you.

Listen,
All I know is
I'm full of wounds
And scars
And broken
Parts

But I am still
Standing
On my feet.

So, let me tell you,
I don't know what this thing is--
Defeat,
Or whatever you call it.

I'm still going to be walking,
Moving forward.
No dream or memory,
Or flashback
Will keep me from moving onward.

I am full of wounds
And scars
And broken
Parts.

But I am still standing.