The moment you
arrived and
stayed here
inside my dreams, within
my reach,
along with my old past broken stitch,
I no longer
feel alone, deprived
unloved,
everything that un- could
be attached.
But
time became
my greatest enemy that weakens
the wall built by my army.
I found you there.
Far away from me filled of all the thoughts and feelings
that are unclear.
Now,
I got back to the time where everything is an un-, can't, dis-, not, and
then won't.
I am lost.
lost
in the moment that
turned
into memories.
Lost from
the track to
my genuine happiness.
Lost of courage to
take
a step towards
love again.
Lost
in pain. Lost
in thoughts. Lost in everything
that I thought
we were.
Lost in everything that you made me feel.
I was here but you escaped to be there and left me lost in the universe filled with hatred and despair.

Reglossing, rewashing, removing, returning,
she kept using the same cloth to wipe up this mess.
All of the same mistakes constantly repeating,
spools of half-hearted "I'm sorry's" unwinding,
foolproof promise to cover for her missed absence.

I persist reloading, rewinding, replaying
watching the film of our lives together, pausing
at moments where temporarily, I confess,
unpredictable happiness ceased repeating.
This trainwreck of a show carries on, blistering
slides that I want to swipe clean, but her name suppress
stained slates developing, deflecting, destroying.

I throw away the footage, romanticizing  
sheer ideas of finally making progress
forgetting her. But relapse results repeating
bad habits. There is not a remedy. I cling
to the seasons of the past, wanting to digress
reminding, rewinding, removing, regretting.
'Til the cloth clears again, chaos keeps repeating.