I've spent an eternity staring at my own reflection
Trying to find out exactly what made me get here
and I've only ever found out one thing
That my life is absolutely pointless
but I also have a feeling that if I spend another eternity here
I will realize something else entirely

Because I've been having these dreams lately
these vivid, disgusting dreams
in which I know exactly the answer to the question I ask myself
And in these dreams, I don't seem the way I imagine myself to be
when I find out the answer
When I find out the answer
I imagine myself joyful
because why else would I spend eternities
trying to find out why I'm here
if if would not grant me a lifetime of joy?

I seem to be walking quietly around my childhood home
looking at my hands as they rot in front of me
And I'm walking heavily, you see
like I'm being chained to the earth
and I would have to spend yet another eternity
just walking around my neighborhood

I just keep walking until my feet turns into soil
And I turn into soil

I know now why I can't keep searching for something
I will never find

Those nights when I inked my skin with words I wanted everyone to hear were the best ones
For once I had something to say and I wanted everyone to hear it
for once I am kicking over trash cans because the world is loud and I am nothing less than the world
and stomping on concrete but avoiding the bugs and flowers because the world is not gentle but I try my best to be
an angry kind organized mess
Praising the lord in all the wrong ways because the world is up to me and heaven and hell is in my bedroom
and a beautiful exorcism where I am stretching my limps for the first time made me realize that
God is dead but I am alive

In one single night I realized the meaning in which I have been dwelling my entire life to find out the answer to
but now I fear that I know too much about what needs to be kept unknown

I've been mumbling the words of one thousand dead relatives every second of my life.
You can't hear me, neither could I until this one particular night.

I found myself on a bike riding south and wondering why I'm here, what made me get here and why am I on a bike and why am I riding south and why am I ten years old I feel like I should be one million

I fell asleep and woke up one year older, then I repeated the process and now the candles can't fit on the cake but my blow gets compared to storms

I can't keep up and on my death bed I will speak the words of Eve

She said, "This life was made for you, are you ready to do it again?"

and I replied, "We are the same, you and I"

I've been preparing for this my entire life
This particular unluckiness in love that seems unavoidable
It's been in fairytales I've heard as a kid
in the books I've read
in songs on the radio
in poems
in everyone

But no one ever told me that I would be the villain
Never once did I relate to the bad guy
But here I am
and I'm the bad guy

And every time the villain is explained
it is said that she is good in her way
That she never choose to become the villain
But I had the choice
I've been good my entire life but today I decided to be bad
Tonight I killed the princess and took the prince for myself

There's no poison, only me
Me being forced down innocent throats
until they bleed their secrets to me

To me

you walk on an abandoned railway
its dark and you can't see anything
but your know they're there
people in front of you
behind you, on every side of you
holding you like you're something dear, someone important that they can't bear to lose
it's a ghost town.
you might as well be blind but you still balance on the tracks, someone is holding your hand
at home your mom is making dinner while you eat a clementine
and nothing makes you happier than this clementine
so you consider planting a seed but
it would die anyway
because it's a ghost town.
but there are no ghost, not really
it's just history
and it's begging you to keep yourself sane.

The angel of death once
eclipsed our goodbye
Embraced you within a golden abyss
marked with our glistening eyes
I’ve pictured this conversation
more times than I testify
Yet a chance of it occurring
leaves me mortified
For there’s a sweet escape
in lingering within stolen time
Before your demise feels real
allows me to bathe in a tempting crime.

Regardless, this hollowed illusion comes to fracture
Present now a past but my life plays backwards
The gravity of reality cascades upon me
Trapped in a realm of denial unable to be set free
Although I am the creator of this melancholic fantasy
The price of release means a lifetime of apathy

Instead, I extend, and live within a conversed eulogy
Attempting final goodbyes laced with ambiguity. - epiphanyofwords