its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

i dont know what to think of this one yet. im leanin towards scrapping the whole thing.

i feel so out of place
they forget my name
and why im there.

the thoughts they just race,
they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

there is a point that im trying to get across here. we all feel out of place. maybe with people youve known for multiple years or people youve known for a few seconds. it doesnt change the feeling of being left out and forgotten. im just not sure how to get my emotions across. its hard for me sometimes to fully describe how i feel when im like this, because im autistic. it doesnt stop me. it just frustrates me when my words feel emotionless and like a i cant do anything to make them just feel what i feel! it feels impossible sometimes. i have over 15 drafts on @mysterie. just random ideas. never finished. never edited. just raw and there. im leaning towards scrapping this, unless i get the motivation to try and make this full of emotion and also enough to get my point across.

its okay if i dont find the motivation. again, writing is never perfect. i dont have to finish writing this and fix it up. though it would help me to regulate and sort my head out a bit, i dont have to. its okay that writing is messy. its always messy.

part four of fixing this. i didn't realise how much it would take. i thought over this for awhile. i think it needs one more check but i removed a half of one stanza, then half of another and just changed it slightly. i think it adds more impact.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

after re reading it for the fourth time i split a stanza in half and changed the wording. it feels like it needs more emotion. i think ill sleep on it.

i made some word changes, added some in as well. i am thinking or removing a stanza though.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or maybe a musician.

but getting obsessed
...with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its hard to be honest,
and vulnerable
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all
you
know.

i think i like the outcome so far, but im not too sure still. it feels all over the place..

im not quite sure where i was actually headed with this one. im feeling like changing this is going to be an adventure through emotions and what was happening when i wrote this. i dont know if ill end up rewriting the whole thing.
i think i wrote this because i felt like the only way for me to express myself was through writing and i felt like i was becoming obsessed. i mean, its basically all i think about. words running through my mind at an inhumane speed. its silly really. i believe it was late when i wrote this, so dont take it to heart to much.

its easy to get obsessed,
maybe you're obsessed with a show,
or a musician.

but getting obsessed with writing?

it can hurt.

becomes it becomes your only way
to cope.
to stay sane.
to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long,
and having paper
be the one
who understands.

its hard to be truthful
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
and softly
stashing them into draws --
maybe books,
under your mattress,
is all you know.

i think its okay, but needs some work, my feelings might have been too strong to add more breaks so it flows better. that might be the first thing i do to see if its any better like that.

do you exist?

in this realm,
in this time,
in this small blip of moments,

and if so,
how do i capture you?
hold you in my hands.
in my heart.
how do i seek you out?

when you’re nothing of our kind.
neither here nor there.
you’re simply smoke and mirrors.
nowhere, yet everywhere.

you’ve got no flesh and bones,
simply god made and grown.
you’ve got no fear, just quest,
a longing to roam.

are you even real?

or just an ache that I conceal?

if you are just fiction,
how do I conjure you
and keep you with conviction?

you’d be locked into my mind.
giving me endless daydreams,
yet consuming all my time.

then maybe i’d be lost
in your never ending shimmer.

my life and light would fade
in comparison
to a low flicker dimmer.

i would waste my decades decaying.
simple, stupid, and waiting.

i would turn down every suitor.
yet I would be an angry, seething,
lovelorn refuter

and if i can’t have you,
or sift my hands to grasp,
what will be the purpose?
and what heart of mine will last?

Niña, me tienes a tu llamao'
A tu orden, como perro adiestrao'
Día si y noche también
Como ave cantora del alba y él búho que trasnocha
Niña, que dicha es seguirte de cerquita
Estrellita, luna o sol, te regalo el cielo entero
Como me gusta cuando tu me miras
Esos ojitos que me dejan tonto, tanto me encantan
Niña, bombón envuelto en seda
Prontito deja quitarte el listón

Spools on the coat
A stray hair like spun gold
On the sun
Worn-out makeup
Fresh cinnamon bun
And a coffee cup
On the run

You’re stuck in my throat
I’d travel abroad
Not to see your face
But you course through my veins
And a picture of you
Is supplied to my brain

Any time I seem to forget
You persist
Like a poisonous thorn
In every breath
That I try to release
You’re always reborn

In my messy hair
In my puffy face
In my bitten nails
In the coffee stain
In my scattered day -
In every grain of it
You remain

In the morning fog
In the evening haze
In the cluttered desk
And the endless maze
Of my daily tasks
And the city’s pace

You live

I was there all the time, while you were gone
One day you were there, the next day, gone
Everything was going good
So I never understood what went wrong
I never understood what I did so wrong
Because one day you were there
And the next day; bright, and early, gone
I never understood how another girl
Became your "number one"
Things started to turn south
When I noticed you were gone more
You'd make sure you were always quiet
When you managed to make your way home
And came through the door
Quiet as can be, so you didn't wake me up
Because you didn't want me to know
That you were actually out after work
With some girl who had a baby
Which made you look like a creep
How could you hit me below the belt, so deep?
You went and wandered the streets
Looking for someone else to satisfy
You and your petty selfish needs
You were playing house with someone else
Giving someone else the attention I was supposed to get
Not even caring to ask how I even felt
You hit me in the face one, slapped rather
That was a one time thing, not a big deal or matter
Because you hit me in front of my mother
And she told you point blank
"If you're going to hit my daughter;
You need to take a breath and really think"
And then I chimed in with;
"It's okay because if he ever tries or does it again;
I'll go to jail for breaking his **** hand."
The audacity this fool think he had
Cheated on me because I can't have kids
And he apparently wanted to be a dad
All you had to do was say something to me
That's something I would have come to understand
But instead you became unfaithful and left me sad
I really had feelings for you because I became obsessed
Starting going to work with you
And sitting in your vehicle for 8-12 hours like I was possessed
You drove me so crazy I didn't know what else to do
Then one day it all became clear
I wasn't needed anymore here
So I left, and never looked back.

Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/25/2025

No matter where I turn, you pull me in
A black hole wrapped in flawless skin.
Your face, a scripture I must recite,
Carved in the dark of my sleepless nights.

My heart is a beast with claws of need,
Thrashing, ravenous, starved for your lead.
When you're near, I cease to be,
A breath held tight, a wound set free.

When you are gone, you are never gone.
You stain the air, you stretch the dawn.
I see you lurking in glass and steam,
Flickering, shifting, slipping between.

I know your steps, your fleeting trace,
The ghosts you leave in empty space.
You do not see me, but I see you,
Devotion stitched in every view.

Call it hunger, call it fate,
A madness I do not wish to escape.
You are the altar, the prayer, the key
And I am the shadow that will not leave.