Love.
Is a confusing thing.
The dictionary says its is a deep feeling.
But I think,
So is hate.
I think I love you.
I like your smile,
Your laugh,
Your presence,
And our little arguments.
But I could hate you.
Just like I hate
Your arrogance,
Your vile smirk,
And how you think you are above me.
Can we make this work?
Is this love or hate?
You tell me.

while waiting for the next girl in barnes & noble you can pull out an anatomy book and trace my bones like you wish you could have done before when it was still a viable option
you inched her name into our conversations because it tasted like honey and devil's food cake on your tongue, looked away when i begged for answers
left me writing you letters you never read and calling your name and wishing you good morning like the good girl i wanted to be even though i’d grown so weak
behind your frames who did you see when you saw me? i want to know, i want to know if the guy before saw the same wide-eyed half-smiling half-crying picture of naivety
i hate sensing patterns
you knew
you knew
you knew
but you did it anyway
i knew
i knew
i knew
the ending very well
and i let it happen anyway as if i didn’t know any better
i kept waiting for the broken traffic light to change.
i shivered because my cardigan was too thin,
high-low chiffon skirt pulling an unwanted marilyn and sending chills as i stepped onto the platform,
phone in my hand at 63%, got texts from everybody but you
body trembling on the walk home under the moonless sky.
from now on trusting is going to feel like an olympic sport
i've never been that athletically adept but i'll learn to pole vault the hell away next time when i see the signs loud and flagrant.
third time's the charm right?

I AM SLEEPLESS
MY EYES ARE BLOODSHOT
I AM TIRED
MY BONES' EMOTIONS ARE UNSTABLE
I AM ANXIOUS
MY TIME IS RUNNING OUT
BUT I AM NOT DEAD
AND I AM ASKING HOW
WHEN I AM FEELING MISERABLE
AND BREATHLESS
I AM ASKING
HOW
AM
I
NOT
DEAD
WITH A QUESTION MARK BIGGER THAN THAT OF "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?"
I AM DEAD BUT NOT REALLY
I AM CONFUSED MOST OF ALL

You were throwing up uncontrollably into the toilet,
and I cleaned up all the chunks of *****,
although it was mostly water, but bile now.
I've seen more sickness in the past week than I'd care for.
I panicked at the pharmacy while the pharmacist
shadily spoke over various aisles to me.
I sat on the tub while you threw up the medicine he recommended.
I sat there while you laid still at my feet.
I sat by your bed when you could make it back there.
I'm slowly going broke. I'm slowly going insane.
My head is in too many places to sleep next to
you tonight. So I'm here while you sleep.
You keep apologizing, and
I just don't know what to do
to make my head want to go to sleep too.
No rush of words.
No pearls of wisdom.
No moral to these stories.

Have you ever been sat on by sadness?
I'll tell you now it's not as comedic as it sounds.
I am being sat on
by ceaseless weight centred on my chest.
It is built of everything I have made of your words.
It is built of everything I have made of your lack of words.
It is made up of what was once inside of me,
that now sits outside of me.
It has the weight of a small child
and the solidity of a rock.
It sits on my chest and moves the blood to my head
and the air through my lungs.
It squeezes its toxic weight into every single one of my cells.
It wants to come back in,
Because apparently it doesn't like the outside world much either.

Gonna sleep a little less tonight as usual.

Probably wonder why I’m tired in the morning.

Come on in and break me;

a gentle breeze that places you on the curb.

Leave me alone then.

Winter has released me into the comfort

of a warm, warm grave.

My anxieties are eating me alive.

Like worms;

turning me from flesh

into ****.

It's five am
And I still remember
That night we stayed up
Asking each other questions
About shoe sizes
And those spaces in our hearts
And whether or not they were
Filled, empty or hurting

I can still remember all
Those times I hugged you
And I swear that even now
I've hugged you more than
Anyone else this year

It's five twenty
And I remember
Those hour long Skype calls
We would have even though
Both of us are silent
And never have much to say

I remember all those times
We'd argue about our opinions
And even though they were
So very different
Yours made me happy

And I can remember
All those times I felt sad
Yet you were able to make me
Feel so happy
Like all those hearts
You left in my mailbox

I remember that time
You tricked me into going home
With this panda bear
That will forever keep
Since you talked me into
Keeping him.

It's five twenty five
And I remember all those times
I looked forward to walking home
Cause you walked home with me
Even though it was cold

I remember
How I'd make you worry
And I'm very sorry for that
And I'm sorry that there were
Things I could never bring
Myself to tell you no matter
How hard I tried.
But I'm only so courageous
So I've always talked in
Questions and puzzles.

It's five thirty
And I remembered this
And so much more
And I will for a long time
Because you gave me so
So much to remember
You by.

I'll remember how you were
The first boy I ever let so
Close to my heart.
You were the first boy
I actually ever
Really let myself fall for
And no girl can ever
Forget that.

Especially a hopeless
Romantic
Like me.

Thank you for everything
You gave me to remember
You by.
I hope I at least gave you something
To remember me by