Everyone has this checklist in their head
of reasons to have ***
I'm different from my friends
their lists are small and not all requirements need to be met
and thats okay
but mine looks a little different
and thats okay

[  ] Emotional Connection
[  ] Physical Attraction
[  ] Understanding
[  ] Length of Time Known

I'm learning and growing about who I am

Your skin
touching mine
your flesh
pressed against me
the rush of your blood
and the curve of your
spine
and arch of your back
and the motion of your hips
and the crook of your neck
is where my lips connect
to your skin
and your flesh

and your heart is b-b-beating against
my ch-ch-chest
and your hands wander
and my mind wonders.

and I can feel you growing ever the warmer,
almost achingly feverish
where my thighs connect to my loving and lustful hunger.

and the world crashes and rebuild and crashes and rebuilds and crashes and falls and rebuilds and then we reach a type of beautiful and extravagant crescendo and the world slowly rebuilds piece by piece
as I collapse and crash with your lips on my skin

and I've never felt more at peace.

The First person I loved, well, really, it was a childhood crush. It shouldn't have meant anything, it shouldn't have mattered. At least that's what I told myself over and over (and over and over and over and over). But at that  time, my life was the brewing, churning clouds before the storm settles in and stays for awhile, painting the sky a putrid yellow-gray, filled with all sorts of worry and dismay. But he  cared, and he was my friend, and I actually mattered to someone. That's what draws you in, isn't it? Mattering? And then you fall for the way they laugh and hold themselves, and the way they interact with others and how they hold their head up and the fire that burns in their eyes. That fire that keeps burning, even when it's raining. Even when you know something is off, something is terrible, but even if you asked, they wouldn't tell.

The Second person I loved, well, I never really loved him at all. Call it a type of Stockholm syndrome. You get ****** into friendship and obsessed with the idea of being normal, so you try it out. And then you don't act right, you don't behave how they want, you don't do what they want you to do, or you just look at them the wrong way or talk to the wrong person. And then it hurts and you try to escape, for two and a half years out of four and half. And it leaves you broken. You're not able to love the same way you thought you were supposed to, you're more guarded. You break down when people touch you, hug you. Another boy tries to kiss you and you immediately burn the bridge. It takes you a year and a half to recover enough to go out with anyone.

The Third person I loved was different. She was different entirely. After being in the midst of a quickly deteriorating abusive relationship, it's easy to cling onto anything that looks like a lifeline. And that's unhealthy. But I loved her nonetheless. And she hurt me, and I hurt her. I will always regret it, and I will always be sorry. I hold no anger towards her, and when I think of her, it's like a phantom-pain. There's nothing there to hurt, but I know it should. And why shouldn't it? She was the type of girl that would leave any man breathless and dying. Everything I wanted to be. She was beautiful and confident and bold. She was smart and interesting and fun. But she was selfish, and she was a liar. And in the end, it was her beauty that destroyed her, and us, whatever type of friends we were. That ended before the Second.

The Fourth person I loved was a foolish decision. A mistake that I made, but I made it, and it's mine to own up to. I was vulnerable and my mind was fragile, but I fell anyway. I needed an escape, so I used love as an excuse. And he broke me. I honestly believe he took pleasure in that. In breaking me in so many ways. He knew about all the different ways I had been hurt and used, and he hurt and used me anyway, in new and "improved" ways. I fell, and he let me fall, trying to "cushion" the blow of my harsh landing back into reality with syrupy sweet lies and rocks with sharpened edges like "You're the only person I want to be about forever," and "You're more beautiful than the sunrise." while simultaneously reminding me constantly how damaged I am and how he doesn't care to help with it. What he didn't know is that the sun always sets. And I'm glad it did.

And Again, the last person I'll ever love like this, is the First. I fell in love with the way he smiled and the way he interacts. I took flight and dove headfirst into this love instead of falling when I saw the fire in his eyes. And it was no longer that I mattered to him, to tell you the truth, I still have trouble telling if I matter to him now. As I've said, I just don't love the same way anymore. No, I love the way he is gentle when it's difficult to be, or the way he laughs, or reacts. The way he's not afraid to apologize, but is always honest. I will always love the fire in his eyes, and the way it never goes out.

I was ten years old when I had my first crush.
I didn't think much of it. I just sort of assumed
That you should care for your best friend enough
That they were the person you wanted to reach for
When no one else was there.

I assumed that love was the type of thing
That you give freely and kindly.

But when he was lost to me,
Due to moves and my own issues,
I held on tight to those feelings,
And attempted time and time again to let go.

But I never felt anything
Since then.
No spark of affection,
No desire to get to know another
In that sense

And I faked a lot of things I shouldn't have.
I faked affection and I faked caring.

I faked being a normal teenager,
Because normal teenagers have crushes and think people are cute,
And recognize attraction and flirtation and actually want to go to dances
And hope that the cute boy will kiss them.

I faked it all.
Because I never felt a "crush", nor did I find anyone cute,
I didn't recognize attraction or flirtation, and I would have rather died than go to a dance.
And kissing I found to be disgusting, I would have rather chewed on rocks.

I thought I was broken. That I wasn't quite normal.
That there was something wrong with me for being so utterly repulsed
By *** and the like.

And in a vulnerable, broken state,
I mistook a bravado of kindness that hid selfish intentions,
For a chance to normalize myself again.
And I broke further,
Through every time I was yelled at,
Berated,
Controlled.
Told not to feel,
Not to react
Not to respond.

For so long, I thought I was broken
Because I cannot look at someone and find them anything more than
Somewhat aesthetically pleasing (if even that).
I cannot look at someone and see any potential
Sexually.

And upon being with you,
And clicking with the conversation,
And that first hug,
I realized I was not broken.
Rather I was a lock,
That needed the correct key,
But the key had been there
All along.