As a child I felt:

there is a secret in me --


big, for the whole world.

why did you do it?
we were kids,
children.
we were friends.
i trusted you.

how could you see me,
know me,
a 12-year-old girl,
like you,
and do that.

you've probably forgotten.
but if it came up, you'd probably laugh.
a silly little thing you did way back when.
it's been nearly a decade,
but it still haunts me.

it's woven in the fibres of my being,
i can't remove it.
it's scars mark every interaction,
every relationship.
i can't trust anymore.

not since what you did.
that little mistake,
that small lapse in judgment,
that momentary blip,
is my trauma.

and how is it fair that you get to forget,
you get to move on,
when i'm stuck feeling like that 12-year-old girl,
even 10 years later.
why did you do it?

But you’re just a kid-
So who am I to have learned love
From somewhere other
Than home

What a sentence
That almost borders on prose
To be just a kid…

Ignorance and bliss I suppose
Rhyme schemes and sparking trees
That make up for depth and feeling

Because I’m just a kid

I walk upon the pathless plains,
A stranger to this ancient field.
I see others walking with canes
And I desperately refuse to yield.
I see roses bloom and their
Lovely thorns speak of doom.
Further on I see roses undressed-
Their petals dead,
Carried on by the wind.
I see babes grown and wed,
Snatched from their mother’s loving breast.
And I carry on with my stroll,
Lest I be carried away with the petals,
By the blowing winds.
Then I hear my father’s laugh,
No longer full of heart,
But full of dust,
And a longing makes its nest
Within my ageing soul.
I see a pond ahead
And its waters reflect a face
My mother has not kissed in years.
It all wells up within me;
The fears of childhood past conjure up,
And the knight with the burning sword,
Does not ride out to save me.
A stranger born
Into this strange garden.
I adorn the crown of fools;
Everything I have wished for has come to pass,
And that is my greatest curse.
Can’t I have one more dance?
One ephemeral moment
With the fleeing wilderness
Of youth?

Our voices spoke for its own,
The butterflies must bring the stories of morrow ,
lower the grief bound of sorrow ,
wasn’t a will given of torn

Shocking to fly very briefly,
Portraits to remind us of what we borrow,
to our lives that makes sunshines of yarrow,
Whites and yellows with no hollow,
What a void gives to souls flying for needy

then must shine alone in the hardest leaves,
I wondered where i left messages in the middles of pages,
Behind all this words that been given with no stages,
I had it all when it comes to believes,

What can make you worried while i am here,
Resting my eyes for a while
I got reminded of a smile,
Not the noir of paints being vile,
Then i stare at the pictures of paintings longing for ancient Greece

Dear marron why did you leave them behind?
Space had no light but for the Sun,
Now you call them your sons,
Oh I forgot you were the colours of them when they never had insides,

Pardon my weakness of expressions,
I lost my mind under that tree,
Not knowing what on did i agree,
One more chance given of lessons,

In that tile of lords you’re the broad,
The highs has surrounded you,
The colours that given no chance to true,
Did you expect now to never be told?

I gave a loud noise of condolences,
I missed when we had fire mixes of dreams,
Why is it always shoulds of what then seems,
We finally had answers of long faded streams,
History of must all be teams,
I loved to fondly to care of schemes,
I apologise for the portraits with no added greens and gleams.

and i am scared

do i hold weights in my hand
that bound me to Hell?
or am i sinking my nails into a rope
that saves me from the plummet of death?

will i let go,
and will i find you?
holding my hand,
kissing my neck,
stroking my cheek?

or will i fall into the arms of a drunk stranger who shares your face?
who dances and sings and paints like you?
but doesn't remember me?

i can't tell.
some people can,
but i can't.
and so i'm terrified
to even breathe differently,
because i don't know if
my lungs will stop entirely,
or if
my fingernails will lose their blue tint.

maybe,
i'd rather not know at all.

I am the girl you see in movies,
portrayed by a woman's body,
I am the kid that wanted to play,
but was shut down for her curves,
I am the one that always hated her body,
for being mature and grown before she was,
I was the child,
that was mad they never got love,
and only ever blamed it on their body,
that movie was almost over,
until i saw darkness in gloom,
i thought it was light so i rushed,
it made me love my body,
it made me forget that times i was hurt,
it made me become the woman my body so badly wanted to be,
a *****,
i found out i was in darkness now in gloom,
tried to go back fast,
but the child that i once was,
is now nothing but gone.