one day the rain didn't come
her suicide note read,
i'm sorry i was nothing more than a life of falling

I stopped looking both ways when I cross roads
In the end.
Nothing really matters,
Why should I even bother.
Crossing roads to get to your destination
In the end, no matter how much patience
You have. Somehow you will still
Be walking to your destination alone.
There's no points looking both ways crossing the road
There's no point breathing.

I'm dealing with heartbreak
In the same old familiar way
By breaking everything around me
And blaming it on you

By breaking myself
Because I feel I deserve the pain

~    
        All the poems I write
     are just the beginning
                              and end
               of every thought
   I've ever had about you.

i. you will miss him in drizzles and monsoons, in swells and tsunamis. you will listen to his favorite song for hours; it will hit you every unexpected moment. it will hurt, stab, ache, and you will suppress constant screams with strained lips.

ii. you will collect everything he gave to you and wonder if it is dimensionally real. you will sleep in his shirts, retaste saltwater kisses, and reread conversations as if there's something you missed the previous thirty times. absence does not make the heart grow fonder; it rips it apart and you cannot stitch the ragged halves with no thread.

iii. you will feel his touch presently in everything you do. it will be soft and cruelly comforting. it will constantly and inescapably linger. it will haunt you in early rainy mornings and dark lonely evenings.

iv. you will read endless musings on love and philosophy. you will entirely understand foucault's prison. you will live in steinbeck's tide pools and stars, and relate to simon bolivar trapped in his labyrinth. you will wonder why everything is like this, ugly and broken (and also if you are becoming delusional).

v. you will drink tea that scalds your tongue and stand outside on freezing nights, numb and overfeeling at the same time. you will ask the silent moon a thousand questions. you will see him and blink, head swimming, heart pounding in surges. the stars will wink and the wind will mock you.

vi. you will have blissful afternoons you forget and sorrowful nights you remember. it will still consume you in bouts, devour you in spells. nighttime will become both your enemy and remedy: it will wickedly remind you, yet help you heal.

vii. you will try and fail to make sense of him (and the universe in general). you will grapple with reality and yourself. perhaps you will never know why he stopped loving you: you will keep wondering how some things can just be left broken.

iix. slowly, slowly, you will sprout on your own; you will be tender and nearly whole. most importantly, you will realize his love brought you an entirely different kind of happiness.

ix. you will stop worrying and trying to piece together an empty puzzle. even the deepest scars find their way of fading. your mom was right: stop picking at the scab and your wound will heal.

x. you will learn to love yourself in ways he never could have loved you.

I suffocated myself with the words I didn't say.

Everything is wrong and i dont know how to fix it.
Monday rolls through my head like one of those memories
that you think could be a dream, but you aren't sure.
Its like this weird numbness, where i'll get flashes of happy
but the sad still dominates.