The first kiss
Was like breaking even
For all the effort I had put in
Had finally been matched
And I could only go up from here
The second kiss
Was like making my hundredth dollar
There was safety in it
And when we first made love
I sold myself
You had me
Completely

The first time it happened
I took 8 hits
From my girl friend's bowl
I felt nauseous
I stood up
Time froze
My brain and body
Did not match
Slow slow slow
My heart pounding out of my chest
I felt my sweaty palms
"I'm dead" I kept telling myself
Nothing felt real
"Calm down. You're fine" They laughed
They didn't understand
I was dying
In my mind

The fact that everything is
Something
Freaks me out
Why?

Its as if there is a vice grip
On my heart
And every time you kiss me
It squeezes me harder and harder
I feel stuck and safe
You're constantly there
Around my heart
And you know the power you hold
You know I am
As needy as an infant
As a senile old woman
As a *******
I need you to constantly tell me
"I love you I love you"
So I know you won't leave me
And if you do
I can hold that against you
That you love me
And my constant needing pushes you away
And I am just sorry that I am like this

And
I just realized
I cannot
Be
Alone

I bit my lip before
The taste of the blood reminded me
Of when you made me hate myself for
The third time this week
Because you don't like my tattoo
But I've had this tattoo since we met
And I  tried to comb my hair in the opposite direction
Just to make you happy
But you're not happy
And my hair naturally goes in the other
Direction

Today I sat in the parking lot
Of my old high school
I felt sorry for everyone in that prison-like building;
They don't know that pain is excruciating
But pleasure is too
And the car started to get hot
So I drove away
And got a cup of coffee
And remembered where I was in my life
And I smiled and wiped my sweaty lip