Soft green grass outstretched across the rolling landscape. The sun blazed on, adding tints of burnt orange and fiery yellow to the water colored painted sky. My cheeks a rosy hue after laying out for hours. My blonde curls spilled out across the lawn; surrounding me like an open fan. I breathed in fresh air and felt complete serenity. My thoughts ran wild with intangible dreams of me and you. Across the trickling bay of the open lawn there stands a house nestled in the crook of the sloping hills. It was our house. Filled with memories of our years spent together. Every now and then I still visit the house. The lingering smell of your cologne still clings to the air of our bedroom and the portrait of us is still positioned above the big, brown sofa. Sometimes I wonder if you too are laying in a field and staring up at the sky. If your bright blue eyes are soaking up the clouds and the thought of me comes to mind. If you think of me, like I think of you.

I wonder how many seconds of insane courage it would take me to get up and walk away from everything I've ever loved. To never look back and willingly end up lost. I want to get caught up in the moment of being lonely and let it take me away. Away from here.At one point in your life, you'll feel like your back is against the wall and there's no point in looking for a way out. Today I caught hold of that feeling, a black restlessness settled in my bones and urged me get lost and run away. Sometimes I think it would solve all of my problems and that all of the people who ever used me would wake up with saddened hearts and guilty minds. It would be nice to leave behind a world of hurt for a beautiful, bright light.

I'm tired of standing in front of the bathroom mirror and picking myself apart every morning. I grab at the skin on my waist and ask myself "why?", I drag my fingers through my knotted hair in disgust and I pinch my thighs, wishing they would get smaller. I've been so set on being society's idea of perfection that I had not slowed down to notice how beautiful I really could be. The freckles running down my neck, like constellations in the northern sky, the curls in my hair laying over my shoulders and the roses blooming in my cheeks. I stood in the mirror and looked myself in the eyes and noticed my pupils darken and grow larger because I really do love myself. I used to only care about what you thought of me and the day you threw me away, I threw myself away too. But today, that's not the case. I'm picking myself back up and putting myself back together. I love who I am as a person and that's enough.

Lately I've been trying to forget who you are. Did you know that every seven years the human body replaces each and every cell. I think that's lovely. How invigorating is the thought that I will soon have a body that you have never loved, that you have never touched. However,  I've still got years to go and tonight you're the only thing pulsing through my veins. ***** and ***** and ***** is the only thing I can feel. I'm trying to forget you but it seems like the only thing I'm forgetting is my name and how to walk. It's so hard to keep going when you're the only thing on my mind, sober or drunk.

Do you know how deeply it hurts to miss someone even when they are sitting right next to you. I've been on a sadness lately that's uncurable. My chest feels empty and hallow and everything is dark. The dark can be peaceful and soothing but when you're missing someone like hell and feeling alone, it's a suffocating atmosphere. Sometimes I just want to grip you by the shoulders and yell out that I miss you, I miss you terribly. You make me happy and lately the sky's have all been a saddening blue.

A deep ache fuels in my heart and spreads to the ends of my fingers and the tips of my toes.

Everything hurts when I think of you.

I recall the way you laughed with so much force that your shoulders shook with happiness and the way your eyes glinted underneath the Florida stars.

It hurts to know that I won't be able to experience those moments again.

We will never drop everything and run to the beach at 3 AM or drive endlessly with an unknowable destination.

I know that things happen for a reason and pain is inevitable.

We are only living in temporary infinities.

You were never mine to love for a lifetime but in the time I had you, I loved you so **** much.

I'm wishing on these Florida stars tonight. As the waves crash down and the water kisses the shore, I think of you and wish you well in all that you are doing.

You're an unforgettable sliver of my soul.