Cut myself & bleed
Pour out blood from my skin
Puncture through layers
Stab myself in the heart
Write you a letter in blood
Mail it to you before I leave you
Don't want to deceive you
Should I believe you
The things said the lines I read
Why you choose to haunt me
Come to me & magically disappear
& whenever you feel you reappear
Take my life but before you do
Be my wife stab me with a knife
Take my heart out
Eat it raw enjoy the taste
It's cold blooded drowning in it Flooded you didn't even budge
Holding on to an endless grudge
Did it help no right now sit tight
Watch me self fight ignite in the night

I've thought of so many different ways to forget you
I wouldn't say you name anymore
The color blue was erased from my memory
Tragic love stories seemed happy in comparison
But I couldn't do it
How could I let you go
I know that I had a choice
And to you I didn't pick fair
But I didn't know that it would end like this
Blocking and avoiding
Hiding and worrying
Are you okay
Am I okay
I miss you
Not so that I can use you to vent
And not because I didn't have anyone else
I miss you because I miss you
I didn't mean it before when I said we were strangers
I know you, and I know you know me
I miss your sighs and smiles
Even your cat voice
Im so sorry that I didn't stay
But I couldn't
If you would just let me be the best friend you've ever had
We can fix this
I never meant to hurt you but
These violent delights have violent ends
And I understand that I ****** up
But all I'm asking is for you
All I want is my best friend back
The who knows I will aways be there for her
Im sorry thats all I can give
And I know it might not be enough
But all I'm asking for is a chance
A chance to show you I haven't changed
That Im still me
Just the me before all of this happened
So I guess this might be my last saving grace

How am I still holding on?
Wasting my time
When I know you've gone

I still drift back to younger days
I wasted my time over you
I tried to understand, I failed

You stayed with me up until I realised,
you were gone.
You were never mine.

I saw you the other day
I was sat in a café people watching
I saw you, I watched you.

I ached for you, for me, for the past
For regrets, missed opportunities, failed declarations
Realisation that together we were friends, almost more.

In a crowd we were separate beings
Societal dictats stood in place, never to be questioned.
I watched you in the crowd from the café

Watched you looking my way
Steam from my latte bringing a haze to my eyes
Oh how many nights I cried for you.

Wanting you, needing you,
hurting inside for you, denying others "just in case"
You denied me then I deny you now.

Stay in the locked box deep in my soul
Memories in a woman's heart
can never be stolen or forgotten.

I left the café with an ache
Turned the corner, felt your stare
Then, saw my husband standing there.

To him I moved my wheelchair forward
To him I kissed my ache away
To him I will always stay

I turned for a final glance
Looked at you standing in the drizzle
You stared not at me, but the chair.

Realisation shone on your face
Confusion clouded those eyes
I am her, but not now.

Your height, your hair, your brown eyed stare
You're all that I remembered and more.
21 years have spun away, as did I that day.