She’s stealing the friction
the heat I’d spark
if it was my skin
pressed against yours.
She’s stealing my thoughts
my filthy whispers
the ones
I’d breathe
in your ear.
She’s stealing the sweat
that would slicken my chest
if it was my body
sliding along yours.

She’s stealing
but she’s not.
It’s given.
Relinquished.
I bet you beg her
to take you in her mouth.
I bet you beg her
to enter you
again and again.

And that’s what shatters
my ignorant shield
and loathingly grips
my untouched body
with the physical reality:

When she touches you
you touch her too.

Then, out of nowhere,
I sat up in the dark
and started to sing
soft notes unnamed
giving and taking
just enough air
to reverberate
my heart
and muster
my soul
until silently singing
I headed for the door.

Looking in the bathroom mirror
I talk to living ghosts
relics of today
that haunt my searching eyes
gazing back
a talking girl
with ears for words unheard
playing out
what could be said
if perfect
came
when called
if moments
came
when needed
if words
could travel
through time

water runs
hands dry
lights off
on another
lonely conversation

Erosion of her brain
made her something new
but new
is not always shiny
new
can be angry
new
can be dangerous
new
can be broken
new
can break you
and her
and us

No going back to the womb
it isn’t the same home
I wonder
would she grow me differently
with her new brain?
maybe she’d grow a daughter
who knew
who her mother was
with brain cancer.

My inner self
wears a devilish smirk
mocking my healthy living.

It’s seen this cycle
many times before
life’s not that forgiving.

Smiling because
it knows my truth
whispering in my ear,

your pleasure lies
in pain my friend
this act is insincere.

Get up early
eat an apple
run a mile or two.

Unless you wipe
me off your heart
self-worth will not accrue.

You don’t believe
not yet I know
from here it’s plain to see.

Because I am you
not drugs or *****
you cannot hide from me.

Drifting from the moment
like tying up my laces.
A process so ingrained
I’ll be doing it in my grave.

Snapping back I see a bow
and find my body dead.
Can’t even remember how I died,
let alone how I lived.

Live on barefoot beaches
with grains etched in your feet.
Feel each one for what it is,
now is in your reach.

And so it went,
until she decided to stop.
Smile.
And begin again.
In a different direction.
Curving upward,
Towards the Sea of Tranquility