Hesitant hands and
a lover who doesn't want
to love.
Momentary bliss with
someone who is terrified of
future.
Another saturday together,
back scratching,
arms holding,
reciprocated wanting,
and a kiss on the cheek in the morning.
I know he'll miss me
but
only in retrospect.
I say,
this feeling,
is the closest thing to god I know.
I think,
I will never let myself
admit it.
He thinks but says
nothing of
importance.
I, with a need for conversation,
am always the first
to initiate it.
Speaking of the weekends and
our time together and when
it will be the next already.
Professing my care and
how much I do and
how I don't know exactly why.
I tighten the knot around
my tongue and swallow
the proclamations as they come.
I decide to save them for
another who I know
I'll have to find eventually,
when the comfort has
settled and the strive
has grown tired,
when there is
not much left of
what barely ever was.
This is,
at most,
one of those routines that just sort of happened.
This is
hardly something
you could call romance.
I wonder,
how do you invest yourself
in a broken bank?
How do you share passion with
a person who doesn't have any?
How do you stop giving away too much
before you empty out again?
Why talk about tomorrow when
it is only today
and why is that still not enough
to be satisfied?

I can't decide which is worse

Nightmares
Where they're so real
And terrible
That you wake up sobbing
In the middle of the night

Or

Dreams
Where they're so real
And wonderful
That when you wake up
And realize none of it was real
You feel the temporary joy
Drain out of you
And cry hopeless tears

I was always warned
About the monsters below the bed
But no one ever told me
About the demons in my head

I used to always run
From the creatures in the night
But the true evils I can't run from
For it's my mind I have to fight

I thought the monsters were real
And they scared me, so I'd hide
But now I know, the evils I can't see
Are a much much bigger deal

Imagine seeing someone you thought cared
And on Halloween knocking on their door
And saying trick or treat
Then watching them smile
Then say, "close your eyes"
You trust them
And close your eyes

But when you open them
There is no one there
Only a note that says
Trick
I never truly cared

Imagine that hopelessness
Imagine that feeling of despair

Now multiply that feeling by 1000
And you'll be close to how I feel
*Every **** day

The aftermath is what gets me
The remnants of
The picking up the pieces
How it is
two years later and I still am

I lost myself without realizing
after trying to move forward
I never made time to confront things
It took me months to notice that I had been missing

How do you get over
something you never really got over?

How do you move past
a moment thats still living in yours?

I tell myself it doesn't bother me
That I only remember when I lay in bed at night
Or walk for a while
Or think for too long
Or hear someone talk
Or breathe
I only remember
when I think I'm starting to forget

The mess I'm still sweeping
isn't a good enough story to tell.
It has yet to end.
I will be cleaning as long as I'm here,
I know this.
Two years later and I still am
I still am
I'm still here

SMILE
Like the world isn't collapsing around you

LAUGH
Like you aren't dying inside

GIGGLE
Like you don't have a care in the world

BEAM
Like the happy person you aren't

CHUCKLE
Like your life actually makes sense

GRIN
Like everything will be okay

LIE
Like you do every day

And no one will suspect