Sometimes I think of killing myself
How the end would be so nice
How the darkness would swallow me up
And how the numbness would suffice
My need

For all the voices of the feelings
That constantly keep me reeling
To softly slow to a hush
As my brain starts tur-tur-turning into mush

How wonderful it would be
To have that powerful silence
Not even grasshoppers would bother
To wake me

My cells would stop dividing
My brain would stop the lying
Myself would stop denying
What I truly want

But but but
This is just a reckless fantasy
A way to elude one’s own reality

Because as I sit here on the floor
Tears drip drip dropping
I realize there’s those who care for me more
Cherish me more
Love me more
Than I love my own self

The crickets chirp
I put the pills down

I grew up being told,
"people won't always remember what you said, but
they'll never forget how you made them feel."

It has been too long
for me to not have
noticed
that you consistently
leave me feeling like
you love
seeing me
hurting.

My own muse
The words drain from my mouth
Can’t describe you
Can’t ever encapsulate you
My own muse
My words drip to the floor
Can’t satiate you
Can’t seem to overcome
My own muse
The words flowing to the cracks
Can’t slip you
Can’t ever break through the floor
My own muse
My words drying up
Can’t win you
Can’t ever seem to wash the mold

just one minute
in the microwave

and watch it bubble and
sizzle

greasy

slabs of fat
and all

Lord please

let me be forever
guilty

and gladly  and
eternally

doing
my penance


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