lost deep in only the 1am thoughts that echo entirely filling every dream and fantasy I long to feel within these dark hours of the night. my mind a crowded hall with no escape, for every turn is a dangerous bump into unfamiliar evil faces. a downtroddened smile to only remind me of deep desires that shall never perish nor be obtained but only be fulfilled to reach a level of contentness. for in these 1am thoughts not all is evil but the side of life that never haunts also never demands to be felt as I am only content. but maybe one day these 1am thoughts will demand to feel the dainty sense of happiness that I will soon learn does not bloom from only you.

I hope you wake up every morning and you smile and you love life. I hope you're excited to start a brand new day. And I hope you take her to the same places we used to go to. And I hope she laughs and you think of me as she's sipping on my favorite drink. I hope you miss the sweater you didn't even want returned and you look for it and find nothing but me. I hope you realize the more you think of her the more I die inside. And I hope you start to die inside too,  not being able to escape the memory of me.  And I hope you think of me when she tosses and turns in her sleep because you used to watch me and tell me that was annoying but something you want by you every night. And maybe when she wakes up and looks at you with sleepy eyes you will see me in the dim twinkle in the sunlight because maybe you're just as miserable as I am. But we all know that's not true.

I'm not trying to forget you.

I don't need something as temporary as "boyfriend" I just want us to be together. I want the thoughts to disperse and leave us alone together in the most simple way possible. I don't dream of my name written all over your body but if someone were to chase you, you would let them down easy because you're caught up in me. I should have never let myself indulge in the pathetic idea of "us" wanting it so badly the physical pain is breathtaking and unbearable. I want you and the treacherous pain you bring. I want you so much it hurts to confess how infatuated with you I have become. the thought of you is embedded in my heart. who you are, flaws and all have become my needs and wants. but I will remain falsely yours until you feel the same heart-wrenching things I feel for you.

He was the only boy to care for me more than I could ever care about him.  He came into my life when I needed a shoulder to cry on the most. He believed I deserved more than I was ever given. He fell for me but I could never love him back.
2. He was the first guy to break my heart. He had a way with words and he was dangerous with them. The words from his lips came out in the most beautiful of ways with the deceiving smile to make you lose your breath. But his lips could never just land on me. After all, him and I were never a we.
3. He is the one I want but the one impossible to attain. His heart is shielded by a million brick walls and to break them down is the impossible. He makes me feel countless explainable feelings for him but he runs from any sense of affection. He's not simple and he is deep and it makes him better than any other.
4. He was my distraction. He is around to take me out when I need him. He knows how to make me feel a little better and gives good laughs. He developed feelings along the way of our countless dinners and nights spent talking about life. But I would never be his.
5. He was the one I loved. I believed he was the best thing in the world for the while we were a thing. I was only 15 and he was 18. I was too dumb to realize that an 18 year would ever want a girl my age for anything more than his brain could think of.

I fell in love with idea of you
There wasn't much to actually love.
But in my head I had a perfect scene.
I made your heart skip beats and
You'd tell me you see a whole galaxy in my eyes.
You chased me down the street and
Told me the only beauty you wish to see was me.

But outside my head
I didn't make your heart skips beats
and you didn't see stars in my eyes.
And you never chased me down when I ran
to tell me that the only beauty you wish to see was me.

But in my head you did
And I wish I could keep it there.
But it's wrong to.

Falling in love is a downhill spiral into a new dimension of lonely hearts and crushed dreams. An inevitable lust that longed to mean more. A temporary fix that latched and wants to remain permanent. Tear soaked pillows and hopeless wishes. Love is hardly reciprocated equally. A high tide. A burial site. A sign that love is equal to an overdose. Pain to the chest. Raspy breaths. Why don't you love me back?

You say you never miss anything that you leave behind. But I never knew that I would be one of them. You never noticed the times you would accidentally leave an item of yours in my house. How do you not notice you left a person behind? Turning around do you not realize that the one girl who cared about you is no longer there? But maybe I am the sock you left in the dryer without realizing it. And maybe you will realize you are missing the other half (of you) and go back and check the place where you last had it. I guarantee you will find it. Right where you left me. Standing in the breezy March night on the curb when you told me you would come back. Just like the sock waiting in the dryer hoping you will want the right match.

I feel like I have strayed in a giant crowd and can't find my way back to where I was. I am being bumped around to new places with new faces and I just want to go home. My heart is racing and nothing feels familiar. Just the fact that I've been to this place before and it's not a place I would wish upon anybody else.

Maybe I'm bitter towards anyone in love because I've never felt those feelings. I've never looked at somebody and wanted to spend the rest of my life with them. I've never met someone and knew that they were who I wanted to wake up to every morning. I've never had a boy talk to me and feel waves crash over me. I've never felt that the arms I was being held were the arms that I want around me every chance I get. I've never felt the type of connection with somebody that people "in love" feel. Maybe that's why I don't believe in love. And I think it's foolish. Maybe I'll understand one day.

Most nights I pretend to be okay. Often like the nights you pretended you loved me. But I'm doubtful your heart aches like mine. I'm not quite something that matters. I'm not broken just merely incomplete. I tell myself you fall apart to only fall together someday. These scars will fade and make constellations that the right person will know to look for. But ****. It's not right to romanticize those who hurt us. I'm sorry I run from the smallest indication people might care. But there's no anger here. Only sadness. Broken things that can't be fixed. I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm more fragile than endearing and maybe I should've warned you. But I'm stuck in this nightmare. And often I have to check to make sure my heart is still beating.

crashing. falling.
dangerously fatal
my feelings come in the form of tides within a hurricane
drowning you and drowning myself
I'm sorry i suffocated you
whirlwind. disastrous.
dangerously fatal
my thoughts tear through my head in the form of a tornado
spinning me dizzy and destroying you
I'm sorry I left you trapped
quaking. collapsing.
dangerously fatal
my world trembles in the form of an
earthquake
violently leaving me crashing down to the ground
I'm sorry I held on to you

you wrap your hands around my neck as you taunt "am I winning yet?" and I grin because your desire to be in control tempts me to show you my game. you're a coward when it comes to vulnerability. you drop your hands when your heart starts to skip its beats and you find shelter to be relieved. you peer viciously to see how I'm withstanding your fatal attraction. when you see an occupied heart with hands other than yours you wash the noose you call your hands to start fresh. you regain access to my only pathway for air and I hate to admit it but there's no where else I would rather decease than in your hands.

As she breaks all over again
She swears she doesn't want help
But deep inside all she wants
Is to be saved
By someone
Who can love a
Broken girl
When she can't find the strength
To carry on
Or love herself anymore

c.l

1.
Inscribe all your heartaches on my lips.
2.
Convince me that I'm not worthless.
3.
You're my ocean and I'm drowning.
4.
She loved like she lived, recklessly.
5.
Brave words die on my lips.
6.
You and I were never we.
7.
Sometime you are your own trigger.
8.
You echo through my bruised ribs.
9.
Your heart needs bifocals to love.
10.
I'm getting lost on purpose today.

Sometimes I dream that our bodies are stars and we make love until we feel the moon breathing upon us.

a thunderstorm big enough
to make you drown
and even like a house of cards
weak against it all
a group of clouds you could try
to figure out
and a dandelion
you want to take home before
the seeds blow away.

Somedays i think you're the person who locked me in this hole and left with the key. Somedays I long for you. But most days I hate you. You walk through life with an arrogant grin. Breaking hearts as you mask your own selfless pain with the pleasures you take. But I hope you look back at this broken shattered heart. I hope you feel guilty for all the things you did. But maybe you hate me and look back at me like you look back at the road you just traveled still keeping an arrogant grin as you take on life. Hell, at least you're thinking of me.

Your intentions, melt me. But your actions, they burn me. Hopelessly, listlessly, achingly, debating the ifs ands, or buts. They all wear me out. My soul lusts for you as much as my lips. And my heart craves these deep desires.  To write poems on your skin with my fingers. To study the map of your scars and hear your stories told by your veins. You are forbidden and you are difficult. Selfish. Enthralling and unattainable. A puzzle i'd spend everyday to uncover the beautiful image hidden within the scattered pieces. Because within you I find more than anyone else ever could. And I wouldn't stop chasing you even if my lungs reached maximum capacity.

throw me into the pile of unwanted feelings and transparent lies. cover me with empty promises and the little white lies that I made my muse. stack the wreckage as high as you can get it. you make me suffocate. ignore my inability to breathe and get out. come back to see my hand reaching out. take my hand and save me but when you save me the weights on my shoulder get heavier and heavier. your attention can save any soul and your soul is a beauty when you show it. let the cycle repeat. we all know I'll let you be my superman and my villain.

it was midnight
when I met you
dark and lonely
you were my summer day
the only reason I made it out alive
I'm sorry for never being enough
I'm sorry I pushed you
as far as I could
just know you saved me from myself

an empty chest with the readiness to love. consumed only by the fear of the treacherous pain from the holes dug by past lovers. your eyes the deep ocean that my mind swims every chance it gets. and your words ****** out by my lips burn a hole into my lungs. I fear you, my dear, but I do not wish you away. vulnerable at its finest state. I want you to stay. write your initials on my tattered heart and take me away. for together we burn the brightest stars and the night sky has forever been my favorite getaway.

Youre the boy who doesn't feel a thing
I'm the girl who feels all too much.
Youre the boy girls fall hopelessly in love with.
I'm the girl in the background waiting my turn.
A dangerous team that could end right
But you're too into worrying that she could make you feel everything inside
I don't think I should blame you
Maybe blame myself for thinking you'd let your walls down
For the girl who would make you feel everything you've tried not to for the longest time.

Don't tell me you know how I feel. You don't know a **** bit of how I feel. You don't know how I feel until you're sitting on the bathroom floor unable to breathe trying to talk yourself off the edge. Until you feel the easy way out is the only way to go, you don't know how I feel. Staring down the razor in hope somebody will walk in and save you before the razor tries to save you selfishly. Holding the bottle trying to convince yourself that what's inside may be help for something, it won't help you and your problems. Until you stare in the mirror and see a different reflection other than yourself. Until the reflection in the mirror is a demon and you want to get out but you can't. You don't know how I feel so please don't try to understand.

absent-mindely hating you
yet I yearn to be yours.
deep desires to hold your darkest secrets. I long for this fatal attraction to be put to rest and buried six feet under. but instead I feel myself digging my own grave every time I look into the Galaxy found within the enigmatic blue of your benevolent eyes. society has robbed us of the meaning of happiness. but when I'm enveloped in your arms I forget to breathe and feel myself getting closer to heaven. I'd love to hate you. and I would to stop daydreaming of a silly fantasy of us and who we could be together. but I'm slowly dying questioning if it's love. "find what you love and let it **** you" I'm letting you **** me but this can't be love

society has destroyed
the true meaning of
happiness.
a false happiness in a crestfallen world
pain and sorrow a beauty
gold chains and dollar bills
a key to satisfaction
I wonder if they know
true happiness is
found when your eyes are locked
on mine
and the sense of safety
within your devilish grin
with your fingers tracing
your initials
on my back.

understand that sometimes
I just really don't feel like feeling
anything
and its everything
that comes along
I wish my senses would play
dead
play me mute
on the side of a busy road
with no person to care
sometimes I'm too much for my own
self
to remotely stand

And there she was
Waiting for you
While you were with someone new

I can't shake you
you haven't even given me reasond to attach
my heart
to yours
but still I
chase you
you can't feel anything but
I feel enough for the both of us
I'm on a road
less traveled with no
correct way to go but
I'm hoping it will lead
to you

A pretty smile plastered to her face to hide her tired mind. Spinning in fields of flowers trying to chase her demons away with the fresh scent of daisies. Singing at the top of her lungs to out sing her nightmares echoing in her head. Delicate sweaters to cover her wrist of memories of each time someone told her she wasn't enough. Little things people see as the positive in her are nothing what they seem.