Barbie's undercover of the book that never quits
Manipulative and menacing but, she never spits
An evil being, a beauty queen, more than some t.v. b*tch
I wish I had a rheostat, I'd lower/light her switch

Barbie's chasing boys again, her husband doesn't care
She's riding barefoot on the back of a costar or a queer
She tilts her head/hair back and forth, pretends she doesn't care
It's that silly kind of carefree movement; majic's in the air

And I'm

Watching Barbie in the afternoon
I've not much more to do
She's so much more than a piece of meat
Barbie, so petite
Well wouldn't it be great to meet,
to see her face to face
Forty years fly bye too fast but,
That's the Barbie pace

She knows her children have a mind thew grew all by their own
They have to learn from their mistakes even when they've grown
She wants to help her daughter out by jumping in a lake
But this ain't mike, tom, chris, or jake; this could be a mistake

Barbie's in a bubble bath, she's naked as a jaybird
With happy smile, ear to ear, she relaxes and spreads cheer
More bubbles flow from a bottle emptied quickly
I only can imagine underneath her skin now prickly

Watching Barbie in the afternoon
Barbie, she's so sweet
So much more than just a piece of meat
Barbie, so petite
Well, wouldn't it be great to meet
to see her face to face, Barbie
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All those I-hop visits in the middle of the night, all those nights sneaking out of my room and hanging with you until 4 in the morning, or saying I was sleeping over my friends house when I was really sleeping at your house, OR OR OR you sneaking into my room at night and crashing on my floor till morning.

I never regretted any of it. I still don't. I didn't think it was wrong. I still don't. You were like my big brother you still are. Yeah I knew my father and stepmother wouldn't approve of you as a friend (nor would the approve the misfit gang our friends) so I kept you hidden, hence all the sneaking around.

You called me panda growing up and would "******" anyone else who even dared to try to call me that. And Hell I was one of the few people who was allowed to know what your real name was (don't worry I wont put it up here).

We've been through hell and back. As Mistress and sub, Enemies, romantic interest, then siblings. We've been on one hell of a roller costar. But through all the yelling and the fighting that we seemed to always do, We always would find a way back to each other and bee there for each other through thick and thin. We always had each others back and would look out for one another.

You would sometimes take me on your dangerous jobs. I was always in that beat up old ford focus you had with an oversized hoodie on and your iPod blasting in my ears. You taught me how to fight with a Tanto (the dagger version of a katana sword) well two tantos, so now I am quicker throwing a knife then most people are pulling the trigger on a gun Something I am VERY Proud of, (See you don't need Hideous disgusting GUNS to defend yourself) AAAAANNND I am very deadly with just my hands and body (AGAIN you don't need stupid pointless nasty guns to defend yourself). And I taught you how to keep your temper in check (which rarely ever happened so maybe I didn't)

We let the other see sides of ourselves that we never showed anyone. You were for the longest time the ONLY person who knew what my ex boyfriend Jim did to me, and so there for were the only person who understood why the song DONT STOP BELIEVIN' By Journey would make me curl up in the fetal position and have such horrible flashbacks I would hyperventilate and cry my eyes out and shake uncontrollably  (Still get flash backs but no more hyperventilating or crying, now I just freeze in the middle of whatever I'm doing and shake really badly). I was the only person you would open up about what happened to your family, about the car crash, that is until a few months ago when you finally wrote a poem about it and started coming to terms about it.

I was the one who stood up to you and got you to see that your drug addiction was destroying you. that youw ere better then the "low life" **** you were portraying yourself as. I was the one who made you see the light (your words not mine)

You were the one to show me that I wasn't worthless, or a **** up, or a waste of space that my family was better off without (though I still struggle with that everyday).


I met you when I was only 12 turning 13, you were 15 turning 16. Now I am 21, you 24.

THATS 9 YEARS!!!

you left my life from the time I was 15 to 19. FOUR YEARS! you left my life because of your drug addiction, Those four years felt like A part of me was missing. My big brother was gone. The person who had been there for me through everything. The one who would always make sure I was ok and had a smile on my face. the person who when I was mad would sneak me I hop pancakes into my room when my stepmother or father wasn't looking. The person who was always there in the shadows making sure I was safe, Always protecting me.

But then you came back and I welcomed you eagerly. You promised me you would never leave my life again. that you realized that it was stupid. that you missed your sister to much. I was fine with that. I missed you too.

You finally got clean and free of your addiction. though you still did dangerous jobs... Which led you to getting shot and almost dying. But when you got better you quit those jobs and focused on other things. Like your Boyfriend and the love of your life who later became your wife.Then you started a family, You wife and your beautiful daughters. Gosh I love my nieces. You started to see the light. And I was happy to be a part of it.

But then Magnum (your kinda father figure) got hurt really badly and BAM you changed. You started to revert back  into your old self, dangerous jobs, cold hearted, distant. And nothing anyone would say would get through to you. You wouldn't listen to any of us. Not Mags, Not your wife, not your boyfriend. not even me.

THEN CAME THAT DAY

It was  September 15th 2014.


You posted a poem on here and I commented. and we did our usual Banter back and forth of you saying something and me being stuborn and not letting it go. you FLIPPED out and told me "I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR BIG BROTHER ANYMORE SO ******* AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Goddess that hurt so badly

It felt like you had shot me, stabbed me, ran me over with an 18 wheeler. You ripped my heart in two. You told me to get out of your life. But you Promised you would never leave mine! You've been there since I was 12 years old and now you just want to leave? AFTER EVERTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH! you want to just wash your hands of me and be done? You want me gone? You want me to leave? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURTS ME??? The ONE person THE ONE ******* PERSON who has always been there for me is now GONE!!! **** VANSIHSED DISAPEARED!!!

My big brother. the person I could always count on. :'( Gone... just Gone.. it left a gapping whole in my heart.

I tried to be angry. And I still am. THIS ISNT FAIR TO ME!!!!!! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS **** IT!!!!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME HAWK???? WHY??? WHAT DID I DO WRONG???? HOW COULD YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS??????

I've slammed the door on you. I cant handle this pain anymore. I cant do it without falling apart. I've slammed the door and locked it. And I don't know if I can ever unlock it. You've hurt me. Worse then you've ever done before. I don't know if I can ever let you back in. Yes I love you. That will never change. Yes even though you don't want to be you will ALWAYS still be my big brother through and through. That will never change.

But sometimes even though we love someone. we just have to let them go. Some times we have to protect ourselves from the pain they cause. even when we don't want to. Even when we want to cling to them and beg them to stop hurting us.

Maybe someday in the future I will be able to unlock that door and we can start again.. but I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I want to open that door so badly though. I want you back into my life. its only been a week and I already miss you like crazy . I miss my brother.

But how can I know you wont hurt me again? Is it worth letting you back in? You broke your promise to me about never leaving my life again. You broke your promise. How can I trust you again?

"You are not drowning"
Yet, CoStar.
I'm not sure if its amnesia im afraid of, or the mere thought that memories are no solid proof of living.

An old man once said, "Being in love is like the color TV, once you have it you never want to go back to Black and White"
This sounds too beautiful to be wrong
But too foreign to me to be right
So here I sit,
Remote in hand
Studying each channel I see
Looking for a hint of color

Does it happen all at once?
Or seep in through the corners?
Or a scene at a time?

Sometimes I think I see some color
Coming into the frame
But as soon as I think it
It’s gone before my eyes
Just a trick of the light
Back to that old black and white

Is that a new costar?
To colorize my life?
As soon as I see him
He’s gone
And I’m back to black and white

It’s too beautiful to be wrong
To unknown to be right
But when
Oh when
Will I have color in my life?

God is a director
And your life is his film.
(He wrote the script a long time ago)
It is not your story,
It is His story
Starring you.
 
In a perfect movie,
Everything you see on screen is carefully
And purposefully
Organized.
Nothing is arbitrary;
Every detail
Every character
And every event is significant.
As is His movie, in which He is overseeing every aspect.
There is equal thought and determination behind all pieces-
The enormous,
And the intricate.
 
It would seem that you are a powerless pawn in the movie of
your life,
But this is not the case.
You cannot control who
Or what
You are exposed to in this movie.
But of all the characters he places in your path,
You choose your costar.
And of all the scenes and situations he casts you in,
You choose the way they define you.
But do not be afraid,
For in all moments He will strengthen you
And carefully watch over you,
Never letting His eye leave the lens.
 
Trust in Him and all that he shows you;
Each scene is masterfully,
And meticulously
Composed.
If you should ever find yourself confused
 Or frustrated
at its meaning
Remember,
That you simply haven’t seen the whole movie yet.

Life is full of adventurer,  
you just don't know what is going to pop up,
or sneak up on you,
you just need to ride the roller costar,
life is full of great opportunities
that are waiting for you or seeking you,  
Life can be full of wonders,
that you just don't know what is going to happen next,
Never worry what life will bring,
It just make it more exciting,
Life is a faith tester,
will you take the leap of faith in life,
Or let the worry of life eat you alive,
The choice is yours, Live today,
worry no more, Life is a long destiny,
so be ready get set.....LIVE LIFE!

estos poemas esta colección de papeles esta
manada de pedazos que pretenden respirar todavía
estas palabras suaves ásperas ayuntadas por mí
me van a costar la salvación

a veces son peores que actos mejor dicho más ciertas
el tiempo que pasa no las afina no las embellece
descubre sus rajaduras sus paredes raídas
el techo se les hunde y llueve

es así que en ellas no puedo tener abrigo ni reparo
en realidad huyo de ellas como de las ciudades antiguamente malditas
asoladas por las enfermedades las catástrofes
los reyes extranjeros y magníficos

más malas que el dolor son estas
ruinas que levanté viviendo dejando de vivir
andando entre dos aguas
entre este mundo y su belleza

y no me quejo ya que
ni oro ni gloria pretendí yo escribiéndolas
ni dicha ni desdicha
ni casa ni perdón

When I find a word I do not know the
Meaning of
I run it over the ever-changing terrain of
my mouth
repeat it with its jagged motions and soft
slopes until it becomes meaningless and
familiar on its roller costar ride of my
tongue
The supervisor releases its safety bar at
my teeth and the word slowly makes his
way out of the vehicle with wobbling legs
over my lips
I hum in pleasure
A new word is a new mystery
A dessert waiting for its purpose of sweet
indulgence to be discovered beneath that
picture perfect guise
My mouth is a fork scooping it up into my
vocal chords making itself known to my
body in a burst of flavor I have never
known before.
And I am in awe of how the linguist like
chefs craft such masterpieces.
When I find a new word I grab a can of
spray paint and graffiti the closest brick
wall in my mind with its shape.
How incredible it is to bring such beauty
to a blank canvas
I learned cursive in the third grade
And I am thankful that these human
hands have the ability to scribe new
vocabulary in more form than one.
To see its beauty in a different font.

    --I failed out of college as an English Major

Are you my kiss behind a studio door?
My costar in our own little story,
Whispered between the rest of them
As we sneak away into the bright city chill
Just after mid-morning,
The very highest of the Sun
Are you the radio tuned to the perfect distraction?
I know music rushes in rivers beneath you
Swelling,
It collects in the windows of your vision
Aquamarine, polished,
Are they hard enough to deliciously shatter my heart?
Is it me with whom your growing vines bloom into,
As we play different parts?
I’d leave it where it all began,
Once the end has come  
Alone, on a glossy wooden floor
I’d trust you with my secret
If it was also yours

I'll never be over you
But I'll never be under you
There is a partition on our stage
So we can pretend
We are acting alone
Not seeing
What the audience sees

scenes replay in my mind and it feels like our feature film is a remake of the broken romance i starred in last

i told the writers to change the plot
make the lover the protagonist and not the devil throwing jabs at my heart
i told the director to change the shot
make each seen la vie en rose instead of a black and white silent film
i told the costar make the camera believe that you love me instead of deceiving it and making the audience see how much you strive to hurt me
i told the lover please, make me feel the love you were casted to display
make me beg for your touch, crave your kiss and make your lips taste like honey
make your embrace feel safe and not like a war zone
make me believe that you love me but this time mean it.

I want to walk.
I want to walk to LA
I want to see it as the sun hides behind the horizon.
I want to walk to Greece
And see the ancient city
I know I must have lived there once.
I live on an island.
I want to walk across the water and escape
From this unbearable roller costar feeling.
But I only walk for an hour.
I let the music fill me
And then I think about how to rid myself of this hunger that doesn't alow me to eat.
Then, later
I walk home.
That growing pain.
But I feel easy.
I may not have walked to my hearts destination.
But I walked so the wind blows through my head
And takes some fears away.
I walked away from these walls I'm scared of.
Now I walk back.