(1965) Transcript
Recorded December 12, 1965 (released 1971, produced by John Judnich and Frank Zappa)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hahahaha, you like this? Be weird I have no pants onâŠ
The ecumenical council has given the Pope permission to become a nunâŠjust on Fridayâs.
I canât work with this thing..itâs aâŠisnât that funny? Backstage I really loved it and I fooled around with it, but I canât itâs tooâŠuhâŠIâll work around it.
Does it look religious? It looks sorta religiousâŠ
Yeah, heh hehâŠthatâs it. Thatâs faith and goodness. And veneer.
Thereâs more Churches, and people that work for the Church then I think there are eh, courthouses. And Judges. So actually what it is, Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises, and they give all these people different franchises in the different countries and they have one government and when you buy the Howard Johnson franchise, you can apply it to the geography, whateverâs cool for that area. And then you pay the bread to the Main Office, and you have to keep a certain standard. Which is cool. But it is definitely a government by itself, and I think thatâs what weâre doing in Vietnam. Because the Communists are a threat to those jobs. Thatâs where itâs at, and I think thatâs what itâs always been, that those two factions are always *******â and fighting with each other, and so actually we have the Catholic government inside our government, and they have this ***** with the Communists because theyâre always fighting over the work, you know, and when they take over they do them out of a gig, so what happens is that⊠because Catholicism is here, and the people who work for it are here.
And thatâs another big problem, the people canât separate the authority and the people who have the authority vested in them. I think you see that a lot in the demonstrations, because actually the people are demonstrating not against Vietnam, theyâre demonstrating against the Police Department. Actually against police men, because they have that concept of the law that the law and the law enforcement are one, and it started:
âSo weâll have to have some rules, thatâs how the law starts, out of the facts, letâs see. Iâll tell you what weâll do, weâll have a vote: weâll sleep in Area A, is that cool? OK good. Weâll eat in Area B, good? Good. Weâll throw our crap in Area C.â So everything went along pretty cool, everyone is very happy. One night everybody is sleeping, a guy woke up pow got a face full of crap, and said, âHey whatâs the deal here, I thought we had a rule? Eat. Sleep. And crap. And uh, I was sleeping and I got a face full of crap.â So they said, well, ah, the rule is substantive. Thatâs, see, thatâs what the 14th Amendment is, it regulates the rights, but it doesnât do anything about it, it just says thatâs where itâs at. Weâll have to do something to enforce the provisions, to give it some teeth. Hereâs the deal, if anybody throws any crap on us, while weâre sleeping, they get thrown in the craphouse. Agreed? Guy goes, âWell, everybody?â Yeah. âBut what about if itâs my mother?â You donât understand, your mother will be the fact, it has nothing to do with it, itâs just a rule. eat, sleep, and crap, anybody throws any crap on us they get thrown right in the crap house. Your mother doesnât enter into it, everybodyâs mother gets thrown in the craphouse. Priest, Rabbiâs, they all go. Agreed? OK, agreed. OK, now going along very cool, guy sleeping, pow he got a face full of crap. Now he wakes up he sees heâs all alone this guy, and he looks and everyone is having a big party. He says âHey! Whatâs the deal I thought we had a rule? Eat, sleep and crap, and you just threw a face full of crap on me.â He says âOh itâs a religious holiday! And, uh, we told you many times that you were going to live your indecent life and sleep all day you deserve to be thrown crap on you while youâre sleeping, and the guy said â*******â. A ruleâs a rule and this guy started to separate the Church and the State right down the middle pow. Hereâs the Church rule and hereâs the federalist rule. OK, everything going along very cool, and guy said, âWait a minute, although we made the rule andâŠhow we gonna get somebody to throw somebody in the craphouse? We need somebody to enforce it. Law Enforcement.â OK, now they put the sign up on the wall WANTED LAW ENFORCEMENT, and guys apply for the job. âLook, hereâs our problem, see weâre trying to get some sleep and people keep throwing crap on us. Now we want someone to throw them right in the craphouse, and Iâm delegated to doing the hiring here, and, so, hereâs what the job isâŠThey wonât go in the craphouse by themselves, and we all agreed on the rule now, and we firmed it up, so thereâs nobody getâs out of it, everybodyâs vulnerable they get thrown right in the craphouse, but you see, I canât do it cause I do business with these ******* and it looks bad for me, you knowâŠSo I want somebody to do it for me, ya know, so I tell you what, hereâs a stick and a gun and you do it. But wait til Iâm out of the room, and whenever it happens see Iâll wait back here and watch you know, and you make sure you kick em in the *** and throw them in there. Now, youâll hear me say a lot of times that it takes a certain kind of mentality to do that work you know and all that *******, but you understand thatâs all horseshit, just kick em in the *** and make sure that itâs done. So it happens thatâŠ
Now comes the riot, or the marches, and everybodyâs wailing and blopblopblopblop. And you got a cop there whoâs standing with a shortsleeve shirt on and a stick in his hand, and the people are yelling Gestapo! at him! Gestapo? You *******, Iâm the mailman! Gestapo!?
Now. What it is, I think that the people really want to beat the devil. Where that started was with the early, early missionaries. I think that they didnât reallyâŠthatâs why the people never could really separate the authority and the people with the authority vested in them. Because, you know with the savages they would teach them the religion, and after the speech the savage would go, âWell, are you God?â âWell, noâŠbut heh heh, what the hell, you knowâŠwell, just never mind that, and eh, I can do you a favor, you do me a favor thatâs all and, I think thatâs the hang up in our country right now, is that, cause you always hear that kind of story about the peace officer who pulled the speeder over and the speeder turned out to be the governor, and he had the audacity to give him a ticket. So the fact that the people repeat that story, so much, that means the people donât believe that the governor could ever get a ticket, man. So then itâs just the degree of the law that the governor could break. That means he can kick you in the ***, but itâs *******, itâs really not that way, cause everybodyâs vulnerable, yeah everybodyâs *** is up for grabs. Itâs really a groovy, eh⊠groovy system, and I think that, well the problem I had a long time of understanding the law is because of the language in the law and the fact that instead of taking each word and finding out the case that the word related to, once when I get lazy, and I would apply common sense. And then I got really ******* up.
Thatâs really weird, I went to the Supreme Court three times trying to get a writ of mandamus, and they kept sending it back, the clerk, they kept saying what the language said append the copy of order in respect of which the writ is sought. And I keep sending this copy of the lower court, they keep sending me back in respect of which the writ is sought. Then I dug, in respect of which, They use the word âofâ like I use the word âtoâ. And ârespect ofâ means this kind of respect. In respect âof itâ. So what they wanted, the Supreme Court, we want our judgement that these cats should respect us.
Now the Supreme Court, right now thereâs some ******* now with obscenity. Thereâs an obscenity circus thatâs been going on for five years. And I think, I really canât believe that itâs not settled yet. An illiterate view of the law is that, whatâs obscene is ***** ******* and fancy *******. If a guy can tear off a piece of *** with class, then heâs cool. But if the author depicts factory workers, who are not expertise with stag shows, then itâs obscene. Which is just nonsense. A lot of the confusion maybe with the obscenity laws is this: itâs that, the judges who are confused just didnât read.
Hereâs how it works: if a guy gets busted, see, and he raises a federal question and the appellate court answers it, that answer is mine, and yours. Thatâs equal protection from the law that decision, that one court. So in 1933 when a judge got Ulysses trying to come in the country, you dig, and the customs and tariff people said uh-uh, you canât bring that book in, you canât come in the country, itâs obscene. So these people said, no we want the book to come in and we want to knock of the injunction to restrain and they move forward. The judge said OK Iâm gonna read the book, but Iâm not gonna apply this Hickman rule anymore. The Hickman rule says that, uh, we should judge this book by the part, the portion of it, to the guy who gets *******, quickest. The most corruptible mind in the community. I think, said this judge, we should apply to the average man, the reasonable man, the man with the normal, average *** instincts. To that cat. Then they add the balance, contemporary, to his average age, so to the guy, the average *** instincts, to his average age, his society, thatâs all attested. So that means that that rule, when any judge has to judge any work, he always has to apply that rule first, and that was cool. Now goes, they said, well we better narrow it, because whatâs happened here is that there is a lot of works of art, that may get people *****, and thereâs a Los Angeles ordinance now in 1961 this guy got busted behind, and the judge said âI donât need any art critics, I know whatâs obscene.â But the judge didnât know in that local court that that wasnât the question this guy was asking. He said this ordinance is unconstitutional because it doesnât have knowingly in it, and thatâs the principle of the whole American law system, your intent. So how could I know it schmuck when these people told me in the book jacket that this is art. So it, doesnât, the intent has to be there. So the lower court said *******, and the Supreme Court said ******* to the lower court. And thatâs when I started getting into trouble. Because from â61 on came the argument between petulant lower court judges and the Supreme Court and spoiled rotten D.A.âs. When they lost the caseâŠthe city attorney in Los Angeles, every time heâd lose in Washington, Iâd get my *** kicked when he got home. Just *******â, *******â, *******â, and still freed the Supreme Court, they keep movinâ ahead, movieâ ahead, their gonna do it their way. Now comes the California legislature, 1961. And the legislature here are geniuses and they came up with some kappa words. They said, whatâs the sense of making the artistic merit of a work the defense to a prosecution? Because after the guyâs busted his *** is in jail. Then he has to defend himself. Letâs take it out of the defense to a prosecution move it to an element of the offense. Now itâs a crime to be utterly without artistic merit. That means the guy who makes the complaint the burden is on his ***, to prove it. Heâs got to schlep up 50,000 art critics. And after they, if they would accomplish thatâŠYou know a lot of people say, well jeez, canât you find anything thatâs obscene, is there nothing obscene? Why we have this desperate need for it now is so many lawyers lost their *** on it, that it seems only right that we should have it. I mean, can you tell me nobody can commit treason? I mean Christ, then to you nothingâs treasonous. No itâs very tough, itâs very tough to stop the information, thatâs where itâs all itâs at. Because the word the guy says is of no consequence. What the Constitution forbids is any bar to the communication system. They want nobody to abridge the right to say it one time, and one time to hear it. Nothing in the middle, nobody to tell you before hand that this isnât too cool, because the information makes the country strong. A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to get it. And only if the country can know aboutâŠthatâs why the Church and the State have to be separated all the time because the Church only wants a certain kind of information from their government, but since we have a lot churches and a lot of different people in this country, we gotta know about all the bad, bad ****, the worst of everything. The knowledge of it to be protected against it. Because if you donât have a knowledge of it, and you just know about the good, and they just let the good come through, seeping through what they think is good, you end up like ******, cause he really got ******* around by that. He kept saying, âAm I doing it right?â âYouâre doing great, they love you.â âDonât *******, they donât like meâ âThey love you, donât listen to those liars. **** him, who said that?â You really gotta separate the judicial, executive, and the legislativeâŠand the most dangerous department, just the department itself, is the police, the District Attorney. Not the man, but the department is very dangerous for him. Cause it will gobble him up, and the whole reason for the Constitution was that there was like one King, he was the executioner of everything. So they said how weâll do it now weâll really make it safe, we vote on the rule, eat, sleep and crap, thatâll be the law constant, then if anybody busts us for eat, sleep, and crap, breaking the rule, they have to go first to the judge, the judge has to look up the book, and then heâll make a round robin. Otherwise, no one guy. What happens, two hundred dollar police undercover girl investigation. Two hundred dollar call girls. Now there was no warrant for search. Now the Fourth Amendment and all those things because of a bad kiss *** newspaper have been turning into protection for thieves, but itâs not. Itâs to protect the executive branch from becoming thieves. Because what happens, without judicial superintendents, in other words, if, if the executive branch can make any inquiry at all without a judge signing it, then he can go the ***** house every night, and he can spend two hundred bucks a night getting laid every night and when he gets caught, âWhat are you doing?â âIâm investigating.â
But if heâs got a ***** house warrant for search, then thereâs no *******. Then when the crap rule comes in, you, you, you, you, and you, no Iâm investigating, there it is, cool. Describes particularly what I was searching for, what the complaint was. Because what happens is that youâve⊠the money spent on a two month undercover investigation of hookersâŠmaybe $15,000 dollars,, no when you go to court, the ***** is on the stand sheâs not gonna say she got $15,000, sheâs gonna say âI didnât get a nickel!â Cops gonna say, âWell, what do you expect from ******.â Maybe he didnât get the fifteen grand. And thatâs where, thatâs always the desperate need to control vice. Thatâs what all the bull, thatâs what all the ******* is. If you check the records, thereâs not one citizen that bought a ***** book. Every case has been initiated by the police department. So itâs not literature they, just, itâs a big smokescreen. Thereâs money spent on those books. A fortune ****** away. How many copies of Henry Miller? And they donât even read em, so itâs all *******. Uh, five dollars, OK, three dollars, certificateâŠthen when it really gets dangerous is, see, what happens, itâs poor people who, like, get hung up with good and evil, except itâs like, right and wrong. Itâs like Prohibition. Chicago is still crippled from that, from the disease of Prohibition. What happened is that the moralists who thought they were moral didnât realize what was happening, they kept saying âyes keep the Prohibition onâ meanwhile the cops are making bread on gamblers, and nafkaâs and swinging. When itâs the law out in front, then nobody has any excuse. No priests can be in a *******, blessing, kissing them, saving them. No cop can be, no *******, everybodyâs up for grabs, thatâs it. Stay out of there, that means everybody, no protecting, no local home rule ******. My position is that, since the Constitution says that, there has to be judicial superintendents, that there, no peace officer has any place talking to anyone or making any inquiry whatsoever, search warrant is prerequisite to the inquiry. Because if heâs allowed to make any investigation, for a noise even, then heâs allowed to make determinations of who looks suspicious, and the only people who look suspicious to Jews are Irish drunks, so itâs all ******* conclusions. Who could look suspicious? So we got suspicious looking people, we got N i g g e r Town, ***** Town, ****** Town, **** Town. Yeah, itâs ⊠you canât hear the noise, unless he sees the crime, solid. Otherwise he can take the police car, and stick in two ex-convicts, friends of his, and say âLook, hereâs the area that Iâm sworn to protect. Weâre gonna break in this warehouse and Iâll lay outside dead. Weâll haul the **** away in my car, if anyone comes on us, weâre investigating, and if we get caught in the interim, we just caught you. Alright, solid? Solid. Well the Sally Stanford thing for Christ sake, they had a different gimmick there, the guy was off-duty, he had an off-duty detective agency, so that gave him an excuse to carry a piece. Yeah, thatâs reallyâŠthatâs a lot of bread, a lot of money. Whatâs happening, the crime rate see has disappeared almost, and the task force that we hired, are getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Thereâs never any layoff in the Police Department. Well, hereâs what I think happened to the crime rate. First thing, the basic need to steal is like for coal, you know, youâre hungry, alright, so now the economy is up, so that went disappear-o. OK, now thereâs a second need to break the law was for some sign of, youâd have some status, thereâd be some virility. OK, the fact that now we have health and safety, give these people analysis, that ******* that in the ***, cause no one wants to be sick. So as soon as it could be helped, that ******* up that whole scene. Now thereâs just nothing left.
Narcotics, now they finished with ******. I think in 1951 there was like about seven thousand dope fiends in this state and 50 narcotics officers. Today there probably about 15,000 narcotics officers and four dope fiends. 1500 nihiling, testing stations, lupometersâŠand they got four ***** junkies left. Old time, 1945 hippies. One guy works for the county, undercover, the other guy works for the Federal heat. OK, so finally they went on strike. âLook we donâ use dope anymore, weâre tired.â âCâmon out, weâre just after the guys who sell it.â âSchmuck! Donât you remember me, you arrested me last week. Iâm the undercover guy for the Federals.â âUh, I thought he was the county guy.â itâs like ***** running around the tree. He works for the Federal, he works for the County. âLook weâre after the guys who sold it to you, OKâ âNobody sold it to me, I bought it from him, I told ya.â âUm, well weâŠjust point out one of the guys.â âDonât ya know him? Thereâs four of us, I told ya that.â âJust tell us the names of the guys, cooperate now. Tell us everybody.â âOK, he was a Puerto Rican. He drove a Green Buick.â âOK, weâll wait for him, OK.â Three days of that schmucky investigationâŠâIs that him?â âWell I think itâs so an soâŠI think he was Hawaiian anyway..â âOK, donât forget, if you hear from him.â âOK, Iâll call you the first thing.â OK, now they finished up with that nonsense, and they says, âLetâs see now, weâve got all these hospitals, you mean to tell me you guys are going to ***** up that rehabilitation program? You mean to tell me that youâre, if youâre not using any dope, you certainly know some people that need help.â We donât know anybody, we donât know anybody, pleaseâŠI canât use anymore dope, I donât like it.â Well, you really are selfish, thatâs really, you really donât care about anybody but yourself. You know we have a center to rehabilitate people with 1500 empty beds?â âI know Iâm ****** that way. Iâll try, butâŠOK.â OK, so now theyâve got dangerous drugs. Now the insanity in that area, is that the reason that ****** is verboten itâs no good for the people. ItsâŠit destroys the ego.
And the only reason we only get anything done in this country, is that, you wanna be proud of it, and build up to the neighbors, and if the ****** schleps all that away, and the guy goes, the top comment heâll come up with, the guy who builds the building, is âHey thatâs cool..â and thatâs it. So itâs no good. Itâs no good for everybody, and thatâs why itâs out. But thatâsâŠthe Source is no good. Thatâs where it goes right to the source. But dangerous drugs, the connection is Park-Lilly. Itâs Olin Mathieson. The source is not bad for the people, so the only difference between the felon is the guy who canât afford a prescription. So they legislate against poor people, which is really schmucky. MarijuanaâŠI donât smoke ****, Iâm really glad that I donât smoke it, Iâm really gonnaâŠin five years itâll be legal. But then no one will smoke it anymore, youâll see. Most of the law students I know smoke marijuana, thatâs why itâll be legal. Yeah.
You know what Iâd like to investigate? Zig-Zag Rolling PapersâŠYeah, bring the company up on that. Now we have this report Mr. Zig Zag, certainly it mustâve been unusual to you that Zig Zag papers have been in business for 16 years and Bugle tobacco has been out of business for five years. This committee comes to the conclusion that the people are using your Zig Zag cigarette papers to roll marijuana tobacco in it . Aww, ****, thatâs right. Lotâs of it. Rolling it and smoking it. You know, I really felt sorry for that cat, what was his name, WallenâŠ.Grand Kleagle cause itâs a repeat of the Communist witch hunt. The fact that the Ku Klux ****, one guy lynched people, that means that anyone who ever belonged to it and knows about it lynched people, which is *******. So what they do, and itâs really⊠when your *** is on the pan like that Iâm sure itâs really frightening, especially when they take youâŠdid, they didnâtâŠwhere did they hold that investigation? Oh, thatâs really outrageous then, cause they canât do that, it has to be in the district, he has to be tried by his peers, no matter what, in his district. Because when you take him out of his district, thereâs one trauma, cause you take him in a whole different geography, and Southerners are, theyâre people of the Earth, they donâtâŠtheyâreâŠitâs a different country. Religious people, and the talk is different then North, and theyâre rappinâ questions at him, and he like hears one out of every ten words. And he just, is really frightened, just⊠Dig those schmucks, theyâre ******* â âYouâre really not real Ku Klux ****, youâre not spending the money on rope. Youâre having good times with it.â Is that ridiculous? This poor cat didnât want to admit that he was an American citizen. He kept saying I refuse, I refuse, I decline, and that ******* Time magazine, really make always make it seem shabby, the Fifth Amendment. he declined so many times, he mumbled it, and declined, declined. naturally the cat didnât want to admit anything cause the last time he admitted anything at the Constitutional Convention the carpet baggers ******* his grandaddy ***, that was it, bye-bye, so heâs very weary and wary of the North, because he knows itâs a whole different scene.
And itâs amazing that the Southerner, has no hostility for the *****, the same way as the court has no hostility for me, they have the hostility for the people that defend me. Thatâs why they yell all that ****/play drop the n i g g e r, to bug them. So itâs the banner fighting between those two people. Oh. Lotta dues. Lyndon Johnson, they didnât let him talk for the first six months. It took him six months to learn how to say knee-grow. Nig-ger-oh. OK, letâs hear it one more time Lyndon, now⊠OK, let him pose again, ok..neig-ar-ohâŠnoâŠcanât you say, look, say it quick, knee-gro! like that. N i g g e r-oh-oh n i g g e r-ohâŠI canât help it! i canât say it thatâs all! I canât say n i g g e r-oh, ******â in bed and everything, stuttering, I canât, what the hell, big n i g g r o-oh nahg-rawâŠlet me show em a scarâŠno no no. Just say it, and say it, thatâs itâŠyeah, heâs completely confused. Well, really, that family is soâŠthatâs reallyâŠthereâs a certain kind of non-Jewish look, that, they could pass any test. They are the biggest non-Jews in the world. No question they walk right through the line. The wife with the white flannel satchel, a zipper up the front, with red nail polishâŠsheâs beautiful. She looks at home in a trailer park. Yeah. Dig.
ThereâsâŠhere, itâs so strange. Not the people necessarily involved with the religion but the religion itself, Catholicism. A genius religion. Three years ago I was wondering, I used to do a bit, four years ago, Religions Incorporated, so my view at that time was hereâs a rich church, Catholicism, next door is poverty, so itâs hypocrisy. Obvious view, So I started digging, digging, reading really getting into it, and I realized, the reason for the baroque Church, the grand Church in the poverty neighborhood, is that, what the Church is is a school, itâs a method of instruction. And people who have no understanding, who need instruction, donât know about Philosophy, they can only understand material things. So a raggedy *** guy wonât go into a raggedy *** temple. âI live in a *******, whyâd I gotta go in one for?â But if you show him something nice he can understand then you can instruct him. So the ecumenical council really are geniuses and they make some tremendous moves. So I figure thereâs a group looks to undermind them. Somebody talked Lyndon Johnsonâs daughter into converting. That sent the religion back two-thousand years. That dress she had on, she looked like a Guatamalen slave. Real Philomena at the wedding there, with itâs, terrible, looked like a National Geographic picture. Heâs-uhâŠyeah heâs itâsâŠshowinâ his scar is beautiful, thatâs just-uh, thatâs just where itâs at, heâs a **** kicker. Heâs just aâŠ.Yeah, itâs aâŠit was a mistake. Yeah, cause the presidency is a very sophistâŠ.Kennedy was just, yeah just a genius at organization, a sophisticated man, and sophistication just means knowledge, learning a lot of background there. And the other guy is, uhâŠ.Iâd like to get some tapes of those people, what goes onâŠyeah, that would really be a treat to hear them. I was just thinking of the guy, you know the picture of Oswald when he got shot. Thatâs Lyndon Johnsonâs relationed face to the other guy, with the big, you know that guy with the hat on? Like a big Texan, âOh ****â. To be that obvious, to be able to react, âOHHH EAAHHHUHâ. Check out that practice, so you donât get yelled at. âUHHHH UH EAAAHHHUHâ You know, why Ruby did it, uh, this is subjective, butâŠ.cause he was Jewish, and uhâŠ.You know I really wannaâŠIâd really like to tell you that, I wanna tell Christians thatâŠthatâŠ.Why I can tell it to you because itâs all over now, ya know. I wouldnât cop out when it was going on, but itâs, it is all over now. Up to about six-seven years ago there was such a difference between Christians and Jews that, but maybe you did know. ButâŠyouâŠshewwwâŠforget about it, just a line there that was justâŠAnd the brotherhood of Christians and Jews was like some fifth column *******, I dunno, it was like a phony dummy board. Yeah, becauseâŠNo, I donât think so, I donât think the Christians did know it, because only the group thatâs involvedâŠitâs like the defense council knows it because he has a narrow view, where the D.A., heâs hung up with a bigger practice, so itâs the same with the Jew is hung up with his **** and maybe the ChristianâŠbecause, uh, when the Christians say, âOh is he Jewish? I didnât know, I canât tell when someoneâs Jewishâ I say well thatâs *******. But heâŠ.canât, because he never got hung up with that ****, you now, who is he Jewish, and Jews are very hung up with that all the time. Why Ruby did it, seeâŠwhen I was a kid I had a tremendous hostility for Christians my age, the reason I had the hostility is that I had no ***** for fighting, and they could duke. So I disliked them for it, but I admired them for it and there was a tremendous ambivalence all the time of admiring somebody who could do that, you know, and then disliking them for it, and the neighborhood that I came from, there were a lot of Jews so the problem, there wasnât a big big problem, and my elders were not concerned with punching. But Ruby came from Texas, and a Jew in Texas is a tailor. What went on in his mind, Iâm sureâŠ.âIf I **** a guy that killed the President, the Christians will go âShewwwâŠboy what ***** he had! We always thought the Jews were chicken **** but look at that. A Jewish Billy the Kid rode out of the West!'â And the Christians will hug him and kiss him, and love him, and boy theyâll say âOh boy he saved everybodyâ. But he didnât know that it was just a fantasyâŠ.from his grandmother, telling him about the Christians, who punch everybody. Even the shot was Jewish, the way he held the gun, it was a ***** Jewish way. Ha ha! Real dâArtagnan. He probably went ânahâ too, that means âthereâ in Jewish, ânah. Nahâ Yeah, itâsâŠand Belli didnât umâŠhe forgot the geography. No, itâs the same kind of law, it really is in the words, you just have to speak them slower in that area and you have to dressâŠthereâs just a few kinda changes, but they donât change the substance of the law, itâs like, as good a case as I can have with you, if I pick my nose, although itâs not dishonest, itâs just gonna lose it, ya know. So Belli didnât wear the right suit, because anybody whoâs suit fits em good in the South looks like a **** ****. And he should have known that but the fact that he was offended with the judge chewing tobacco, see, cause thatâs the natural thing down there. There was like a ***** picture I saw going around and it said âThis is your local Police Departmentâ and it showed some kinda cops in a Southern place, and they were laughing and the guy, oh, smoking a cigar, thatâs was it. But thatâs just the behavior in the Southern court, and the fact that everyone was laughing they donât know that Southerners are justâŠtheyâre child-like in that area, theyâre not sophisticated with picture taking. They see a picture, you smile. Thatâs why theyâre always smiling in the pictures , theyâre not arrogant, but theyâre just, youâre supposed to smile when you take a picture. And the Northerners are just hipper, they do the coolâŠSo Belli trying to sell those jurors anything, the voir dire must have just broke their *****, you know. That qualifying must have really got âem good and crazy, you know you have two days toâŠwhadda yaâŠ.yeah any attorneys here forget that, theâŠIf I was an attorney I would grab theâŠhere is hereâll be my pitch to the jury. First place, no qualifying, I pick⊠no challenges at all. First jurors come up, there the jurors. âYou jurors, you people think a lot of the community because you vote, and thatâs why youâre jurors. Giveâem all a hundred bucks a piece and get âem laid, and thatâs it.â Iâd be a terrible Law Professor, âWhatâd he say at the end there?â âGiveâem a hundred bucks and get âem laid.â âProfessor, can we talk to yaâŠthe conclusion that you made there, give âem a hundred bucks and get âem laidâ âYeah, yeah get âem laid, it all counts.â âBut that donât fit with the beginning of the conversation.â âWell itâs all *******, you gotta figure round.â âAh, heâs bottled out, get him..â Yeah, Belli talking to those people, he sounded to that jury like the Southern attorney would sound to Greek-Irish-Italian Northern jurors. âLook here now Jurors, I like Italian people, thatâs first off, I see we got some Italian people here by theâŠIâm gonna take you, a little story now, this buck n i g g e r and this Jew boy wahhhhhh! âWhatâd the hell everybody get so hot for?â âJust shut up, donât say anymore.â âWhatâd I say, itâs a cute story, everybody gets a kick out of it.â âNo they donât, just shut upâŠ.I canât explain it. You look South, youâre hairs wet, I donât now what it is. Just dummy up, thatâs all.â uh-huhâŠ.F a g g o t sâŠ.Dig, isnât the argument against ******* that, what the pornogâselling the *******, making it available to the public, is that the man is happily married, or heâs just a happy cat, and you come along now with some matter that the main ****** of the matter, the predominate appeal is to his prurient interest, and what youâre doing is entrapping him, youâre inciting him, something that the guy wouldnât be thinking about ordinarily, youâre getting him *****. Youâre getting it up, and youâre not getting it off, and youâre creating a clear and present danger and itâs worthlessâŠand so thatâs the objection to it, and thatâs a valid objection. But the consistency necessarily follows that the guy whoâwhen I hear about f a g g o t s who get arrested in toilets, and I say, âHowâd you get arrested in a toilet?â âWell, I accosted a peace officer.â Well, ha-ha, thatâs certainly no concept of reality there. âWell I didnât know he was a peace officer.â âWhaddaya mean?â âWell, he didnât have a uniform on.â âWell he wasnât wearing a costume was he? He wasnât wearing a low-cut gown, because what a low cut gown to a f a g g o t must be is tight Leviâs and a padded basket, like uhâŠI mean, he wasnât wearing Leviâs and leaning up against the ****** like sultry like thatâŠcause if he was thatâs *******. Because he was appealing to your prurient interest, and entrapping you. You canât do that. Itâs a funny thing all the different stages that weâve allâŠmy generation was, wellâŠme, Iâm amazed by any guy who can go into a public toilet and do anything but **** and leave. Guys who can wash their hands are amazing to me. I just go ehuhehuhwwwshhhupout. Donât âI want to talk to youâ âNot in there, are you kidding?â Yeah, cause if someone says, âWhat are you doing in the toilet?â âI donât knowâŠâ âThe hell are you doing in there? Did you make?â âYeah, I did itâŠâ âAlright, now hang around here, okay..â
So I saw, dig what I saw, a beautiful change. I went toâŠPhil Spector had like a big rock & roll jamboree at Tammiâs, filming it, so I went there and I see this ten year old kids there all kids, like nine and ten years old, with no parents. So my first thought was like, what the hell, unattended, but I saw itâs like a whole different generation, everything was very cool. Nine and ten year old kids! Itâs ten oâclock, eleven oâclock at nightâŠMy generation, children out at night, lurking in the bushesâŠ.I would never have the nerve to talk to any strange chick. Sheâs a really beautiful chick, Iâd never have the nerve to hit on her. In a house, somebody introduce, solid. But guys who can like drive past in cars and go hello even, the reason I have never had the nerve is that my mother and my aunt, the way they reacted to guys, the way they told me, everyday they would come home and tell me stories about some guy that was behind the bushes exposing himself. There was a band of dedicated perverts who spent their whole life in trick positionsâŠâOk jim, whoo-hoo hello lady there, eh bup-bup the bushes there, ok aging seven youâve got your position by the book, eh the newspaper, you flash, the hat, okâŠyou-hoo here we are here! Find the schmuck in the bush. Yeah. invidious discrimination. All waiting for them. So I know what everything is. I said âNema, youâve got the market cornered! Weâll film these guys, I mean theyâre amazing how theyâŠthe elevator doors open up âWhoo-hoo here we are!â How do, when they separate my mother and my aunt, oneâs running and so and heh, and pocketbooks, and theyâre ready, boy. That pocketbook. I figured that after all these years they were really ******* stories, like little guys always telling about, âAnd I said you big ***** you.â Those little guys will always tell you about they knocked the **** outta this big guy, so itâs my mother and my aunt telling me this nonsense story about a pocketbook âand I give a hamayoupow.â Maybe that was a ***** lie, telling me they were good women everyday, right. Missed a guy, and I give em a good pocketbook, a ***** ******* pocketbook at everybody. With a good parrot scream byeahhh!! Eh-heh! I know my aunt never did it to anybody. Ever. I just know it, I know I know I know. She was bald. My aunt was bald, the bald headed lady. Little teeny teeny hair. And wrinkled. And a cameo. A little little lady, she was very neat. And go âkrinphkrinphkrinphâ like that all the time. Krinphkrinph. There arenât those kind of people with tics anymore, someone who go, guys really like, drive across country with those guys youâve really had it. Ticcers, heh-ha. Theyâre gone all those. I think midgets are gone. And theyâre only certain kinds midgets who are real midgets. Theyâre are no Jewish midgets. A true ****** is, heâs got ***** blond hair, and neat as a pin. Little brown shoes and theyâre this big. I wonder ifâŠ.are Pygmies midgets? Colored midgets. Wonder would a colored cat get offended, listen any relation between Pygmies and midgets? Wouldnât Governor Wallace ****? Demonstrating, a bunch of Pygmies. Ahhhhgh! Give em salt, give em salt, thatâs all, thatâs a, yeahâŠyeah, itâs reallyâŠLittle teeny midgets, those kind Iâm talking about, theyâre really patties. And where do they get theyâre bread from? Who supports them? They donât pay any income tax at all. Thereâs a lot of people ******* our government. So donât be too nice to them. Cause weâll drag you up before the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Just by encouraging them, by omission. Itâs your duty as a citizen to bust their ***, and demand, âWhere are you getting your money from?â They hate to be picked up, they hate that. Thatâs why I hate them, they donât want to be hugged. Heh-heh, I picked one up, see, and he got mad. âPut me down!â âOk, but youâre so cute, I pick ya!â They comb their hair with soap. Bela Lugosiâs son is an attorney. Is that weird, he passed the Bar. He must hear those ***** jokes all the time. I loved that, when he got arrested, he was a dope fiend, Bela Lugosi, I almost ****. The Monster. He was the worst advertisement for rehabilitation, he was a dope fiend for seventy years, he cleaned up and dropped dead. The scene isâŠI was gonna relate him to Christ. Did you read that in the paper? Was it geologists, this is a vague recollection I have of it. That it was the custom at the time, Christ was crucified, for Jewish women to give the people who were about to be crucified a drug that would put them in a death like trance, and that this happened, that Christâs mother gave him the drug, and that he wasâŠthatâs, wow. Thatâs amazing if thatâs true. Ruby gets paid back. How the ***** and the Jew got into Show Business. The ***** had a boss that worked him twenty hours a day. So he wanted to get off a couple of hours, and the guy âGet back to work.â âI donât feel good today.â âDonât mind that ******* get back to work, back to work.â He kept coming up with different gimmicks, âmy kidâs sickâ âback to work.â Couldnâtâkept trying to come upâhow can I âHmmm hmmm ohhh Lordâ âHey! I didnât know you guys could sing.â âOhh oh Looord ohohhh Lord.â âHey, put the *** down, come over here, lemme hear that again.â âLlooord oh my Lloorrddâ âCan he sing? He singsâ âOhhoh Lloorrdd.â âHey get some wine, this is ok.â They partied, and the weeds went over everybody, right? And sang their *** right off the farm. Now the Jew had a hipper boss. You couldnât ******* the Egyptian that quick. No. Jew kept working at it, workingâŠâNever mind the horseshit, thank you, weâve got the pyramids to build and thatâs where itâs at. Weâre gonna get it up, it takes your generation, next generation, you do a nice workman like job, here.â âOh thank you.â âGet outta here with that horseshit, now stop it now. Becoming very fine, very fine.â What a gig, right, you know you got another forty years on the job, shewwwâŠwhat, thatâs a, shewwwâŠyou still canât get a piece of straw through there. So the Jew kept working at being charming, working at it, even though he never carried it off, but he got so good at it that was his expertise. âHey, letâs go watch the Jew be charming. Hey Jew, do that charming bit for us there. We know youâre bullshitting, but you do it so good we get a kick out of it.
So now the Jew has got theater. Heâs the actor. Heâs the charming actor. Now he has the show business industry knocked up. He has the film industry, he controls it, heâs writing the pictures, making the images that people are the good people and bad people.
Now you never see any Jewish bad guys in movies ever. Ever, ever. And you see a lot of pictures about Christ, a ton of religious pictures. In the most respectful position. And the reason that is, Iâm sure, the way of the Jew saying âIâm sorry.â Thatâs where itâs at. And I wanted to do a film showing, because Iâm sure that day in the cell, itâs just like, itâs in the tank, you know like four, five, six people in the cell there, and there was Gestas, Dismas, and okay theyâre gonna get crucified, this guy was probably crapped out in the corner, Gestas and uhâŠâOK, you two.â âWhat?â âYouâre gonna get crucified today.â âOh, get my file down here, thatâs *******.â âOk, get ready all you guys, youâre all getting crucified in this cell.â âLook, Iâm the good thief, what are you bullshitting me for, Iâm in here for checks!â âCâmon you get ready, youâre getting crucified.â âHeh-heh, Iâm not getting crucified, get my file down here. Iâm the good thief, Iâm here for petty theft, you understand? Checks. Iâm not gonna get crucified now. I donât know what the hell this guy is doing, but, uh, good luck to him.â OK, now he sees their getting them all ready and theyâre moving him. âHey! What the hell are you kidding with this ****? Iâm not getting crucifâhey, mister, do me a favor, thereâs a mistake here, they think that Iâm with you for some reason here. Christ says, âDonât worry youâll be with me.â âCâmon with that, Iâm not with you, now tell em, câmon itâs no joke now, weâre going up the hill here.â Heâs praying, and everybodyâs praying and pushing him. âHey câmon witâget the Public Defender. Câmon this is ******* now!â Now theyâre up on the cross. âHey mister, please before itâs too late, do me a favor, ok? Tell em?â He says,âDonât worry, youâre with meâŠâ âStop saying that, will you? Iâm not with you, ok? I mean Iâm with you, I like you, but stop telling these ******* that Iâm with you. They think Iâm with you means that Iâm with you, that I conspired with you, I donât know. Look, donât be pushy, I like you, ok? I donât know what youâre talking about, I woke up Iâm getting crucified, Iâm here for checks, I canât get crucified. Iâm being denied due process, Iâm entitled to do my time for checks first. And I donât wanna get crucified, I canât go now, ok? Iâll meet you later. Câmon, donât be pushy now, okay? Okay, mah? they all went. And the guy came backâŠâHey? Youâre right. I knew you werenât bullshitting, but heh-heh, I had a lot of faith in you, but you meet a lot of weird people in the joint, you know? You relax, Iâll talk to the press, thatâs all. Then he started to wonder about if the Messiah is gonna come back. Moses is hanging it up. They tried to get him back like five times already and he will not come back because heâs embarrassed. Charlton Heston is 6â3, heâs 5â1. And heâs vain. âI canât Iâm a schmuckâŠâ âItâs what ya got up hereâ âNahâŠI ainât got no clothes anyway, Iâll look weird. And Iâll get my teeth fixed.â âNahâ The Pope is too much. He looks like the Birdman of Alcatraz and Eichman combined, yeah. He waverâŠâArrive arriveâŠâ Heâs really cute, heâs a little bird, blooblooblooâŠ.I wonder what was goinâ on in his head there. Spellman looks like Shirley Temple. Thatâs what I got in trouble for in New York, for saying that. Heh-hehâŠbut a Priest told me that! Thatâs what burns me up. Ha-ha! Thatâs what really ****** me off. Thatâs a spynce Shirley Temple. Ha! Thatâs funny Shirley Temple, thatâs good imagery, right? The Post Office. Do you know how much I love the Post Office? I love the Post Man so much. I really feel thatâs the only place where the authority and the man are one. Thatâs the man, theyâre incorruptible. I donât know anybody who knows the Post Manâs name. Theyâre really snotty man, itâs aâŠwhoâd have the audacity, âCome on over have a drink, leave the truck there..â I feel that the Post Man, the people that work for the poâand itâs amazing, no, thereâs no, theyâre maintaining any order there, no police authority, just cool Post Office. Thereâs always a Japanese guy behind the registry window and zaszuâŠHeh, itâs a trick thing to have a treaty, one ***, one szchupbupup, heh! I know, that theyâre the true Law, because with the Law, the Lawâs not concerned with your purpose, with how noble it is. And the Post Man wouldnât let a package go three cents light for the Rabbiâs Priestâs ***. He wonât get off it jim. âAre you kidding you want all those people to die for four cents?â âSorry, knupkâ Who would have the audacity to ever to try to cross that line? âLook I know where the package is..â You kidding me with that? âOpen the box up right now, itâs mineâŠâ hmm-hm. No one would even say that to him. Even if he had a gun, hmm-hm. Thereâs always a certain kind of wait, always somebodyâŠif I ever heard of a theft at the Post Office Iâd die. âWhat?â âOh yeah, they opened up the mail and theyâve been reading letters, andâŠâ âNyaugchâ Like that, Post Office, going through snow and sleet. But they donât like when dogâs bite them. Thatâs one thing they wonât put up any ****. The dog bites? Thatâs it, weâre not delivering anymore mail to you. Dig what ***** the Sheriff in Sacramento county had. His dog bit the Post Man, Post Man said no more mail, he said ******* weâll give you no more protection. Haha-ha. Schluffa they donât need it. They got the stamps hidden.
I have a book here I want to show you. Debby is a Nun. Itâs another trick, a little Lyndon Johnson trick. This is a Bess magazine. What if he catch me reading this **** all the time? âThis is your reading material?â âIt certainly is. Photoplay, are you kidding?â âYouâve got guts!â Editorial page, ayda-eda look at the ads, Cutex, Worldâs Mostâoh itâs all lady kinda adsâŠAdjustable Dress FormâŠI didnât finish the story about uh, the Nun story here, lemme find itâŠthereâs no more movie stars. Doris Day. Rock Hudson. Why Elvis locked himself in his bedroom for three days. Patty Duke. The few: Thereâs too good to be true, thatâs the end of the two stories, now the fold out Post Man, heh-heh. Smart. The Study of Art. Hudson. Blew it, thereâs not an interesting thing, I canât lie to you. Try one more time. Okay, letâs seeâŠDorothy Maloneâs First Interview After Her Brush With Death. Frozen. Look at that balcony up thereâŠhope none of you guys are doing your usual chicks in the balcony. Donât bring any heat on me, you know. Do your pervert stuff in the newsreel theater, but notâŠno, ya gotta time and a place you knowâŠ..heh. Ok, oh ok, I Increased MyâŠWith The Fabulous Mark Eden method I increased my bust measurement from a 34-B to a full 36-D i just eight weeks. They always give you time limits right? Just so you know you got something to look forward to. Ding-boom. Barbara Hayes received her Mark Eden Bust Developer and course on April 1, 1965, on which time her bust measurement was 34-B and eight weeks later n May 20, 1965 her bust had increased to a full and lovely *******! A lovely 36-D! That ***** is hunchback. But we kept our promise we didnât say it was cominâ here somewhere. The Mark Method just builds your back up. This amazing increaseâI know that they putâthey, the guy that makes the copy for these must know that these are gonna be read in jail because thatâs the onlybody whoâs got time to read all of that ****âŠhah. Just forever and ever and ever. This amazing increase in bust size and contour is achieved solely through the faithful use of the Mark Eden bust developer and of course during that time Barbara was adding these firm and lovely inches to her bustling, her weight did not change, her eating and living habits did not change, the only change she made in her life was to spend a few minutes each day practicing the fabulous Mark Eden method. Her bust line developed in the privacy of her own home. As you can see from her after, in quotes, photo, she has certainly achieved a most attractive, full, and shapely bust line for her efforts. She wants real numbers like that, hunch over, elbows pushing forward there, and standing on her head. Uh, Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer and who through its use, are reporting gainsâthatâs good devious writing. Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer comma and who comma through its use comma are reporting gains of two three four and even moreâthat one letter we got was tough. She says âYou name it, itâs not stopping.â We get letters from women who were flat chested and now feel like real women for the first time because of Mark EdenâŠWho are you Mark Eden? A **** rascal, you, hah-hah.â Are there any real **** left? **** your silicone. Are they real? I told you theyâre real. How will I ever know though? Will you take a lie-detector test that those are your own ****? Yes, I told you. I canât believe, you canâtâŠ.theyâre too real to be real. Hereâs the thing, this-this, I donât see any chicks that turn me on anymore, ya knowâŠbut think, I ah-h, hereâs how I now Iâm getting old, cause I really did go through, I says, I havenât seen any girls that really stimulate me, that look good to me. And you, itâs really corny, but dig what I miss: lipstick and powder. Is that weird? I like em with paint on em, ha-ha! To smell like ladies. Lily, lipstick, and powder. Now if I really get ****, pancake makeup. And a cheap, black, crepe dress thatâs low-cut. Make a book up, see, and the book on its face will look likeâŠ.itâs one of those very erudite How To Make Out, Same-*** Marriage, those kinda nut books, ya know. But if you follow the instruction of this book, you never make out at all. Ever. Really constructed so thatâs a zero no-score. Sell it for $45 in plain wrapped brown paper. Now in it says, it says, Instructions: Always go over the house for dinner and meet the folks. And donât forget when you go over the house and meet the folks, you compliment, and itâs just the dialogue the guy is supposed to use, say, say to the father, you know, âOh Mr. Johnson, boy your daughterâs got a terrific shape on her, ha. God bless her, boy she gotta a body Iâm telling ya. And your wife has got a nice shape on her too.â Then, when youâre out on a date, they like little jokes, itâs, then thereâs a certain kinds, maybe not for this generation, my generation, certain kinda things that you just couldnât say, just verboten, that just cringe, embarrassing things, that no one ever, hereâs a kindaâŠ.stab your heart joke. Just keep sayingâ, âWhaddaya got the rag on?â Keep saying that, they like that, they get a kick, they like people who are frank, âWhaddaya got the rag on? Whaddaya got the..â keep sayingâ it all night, thatâs ah okay. And then, when youâre in the car, if you just ask them in a nice way for it, just say, and be cute about it, use euphemisms, double entendres. Say, âOh, I wonder if I could get some nookie?â Thatâs very cute. âOh boy, I wonder whoâd give me some nookie, boy I wonder.â And they just think thatâs so cute, and youâll get it right away. And just say extra things, like âBoy I would, would I appreciate it, hah, that always, boy Iâd appreciate that boy. Iâd tell everybody what a nice person you were too.â I think that, a lot of marriages went West, ya know they went split up, uh, my generation, ladies didnât know that guys were different, I mean differentâŠitâs very tough for chicks to realize that although we speak the same language, that yer, you can have babies thatâs j-j different yaâyour so, itâs like, no guy ever cheated on his wife, ever. But ladiesâŠ.would get hurt and wanna leave the husband because they thought the husbands cheated and they never did cheat because what cheating means I know. To a lady, it means kissing and hugging and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. Guys that doesnât enter into it, all the time, no. Ladies are one emotion, and guys detach, not consciously detach, but they just do, detach. Like, a lady canât go through a plate glass window and go to bed with you five seconds later. But guys can have head on collisions with Greyhound busses. In disaster areas. Everybodyâs laying dead on the highway, not in the hospital, in the ambulance, guy makes a play for the Nurse. âHow could he do a thing in a time like that.â âWell I got *****â âWhat?â âI got hot.â âHow could you be hot when your foot was cut off?â âI donât know.â âHeâs an animal! He got hot with his foot cut off.â âI guess Iâm an animal, ess-es-ehâŠâ âWhat didja get hot at?â âThe Nurses uniform..â Heâs a *****, thatâs all, heâs just an animal, heâs aâŠ. No itâsâŠguys detach, and has nothing to do with liking, loving. You put guys on a desert island, theyâll do it to mud. Mud. So if you caught your husband with mud, some how you could get over seas there, âMmuudd!! Donât talk to me, thatâs allâŠ.you *******, leave me alone, thatâs all. Go with your mud, have fun. You want dinner? Get your mud to make dinner for youâ thatâs all. Thatâs-a itâs just thatâs you canât get angry at them, you canât wanna leave them for that at all, no, itâs humâŠYou know, and thatâs just subjective, in retrospect I really got a kick out of it.
Getting divorced, the only true get even device, because Iâm really convinced that no guy ever leaves a chick, you know. When chicks get cold, they really get cold, sshwoooâŠThatâs, itâs over, really, when itâs over with them itâs really over, and guys canât ever figure that out, they always figure thereâs one more time there. And the guy is like, ss-I canât-ss, well, I boump-boump-boump. Yeah, cause-eh, hereâs what I figure it is, you always hear chicks say, ya know, âOh I wish I could meet a man, someone with some dignity, a guy I can walk all over, you know, can really be a man-a manâ but chicks donât know that, itâs, guys are like dogs. You know you take a dog, you beat the **** out of him pow! â Keep a âNEUUH-NEUUH-NEUUHâ. Pow keep coming back. Ladies are like cats, you yell at a cat once, Siamese cat, shhhht their gone. So that kinda quality that ladies are looking for, you really want a guy to act like a lady. Cause those are lady like traits, that kinda ***** and they donât need anything. I forgot what the **** I was talking aboutâŠheh. I blew it completely. Where was I? I went up to za-zuhâŠhumâŠhah. Those television shows, really. Once in a while if I lose it you know and then try to ******* and do this a while but then if itâs really gone itâs gone, soâŠ.Ya see, thatâs where, the problem of being a performer, and a Judge can get away with that ****, ya know. âHmmmmmnnnâ, you know just completely dunked out, ya know. âThatâs, Iâll take that under considerationâ yeah, yeah. Letâs see I was hereâŠ.oh, oh yeah I got it, good. I wonât lose it again but Iâm trying to think where the thread of it wasâŠoh yeah, OK. The Get Even. So the only Get Even you can have with a chick, cause they leave you, are the kids. Thatâs the only Get Even, thatâs the sweet revenge: Get the kids. But you canât be that obvious with it, you know, just get the kids because I want to get even with you, you ******* you. So the, all the struction, the foundation is âI went over there the kids wetâ heh. Schmuck, then all of a sudden âThe kids, Iâm not gonna, the kidâs not gonna live like that, every time I go over the kidâs wet, the kidâs wet. Everytime, the kid she donât take care of the kid, the kidâs wet, and uh thatâs it. Iâm taking that kid away from her because the kidâs wet. Sheâs having guys over there. âYou saw any guys?â âNo, but, when the kidâs are wet, thatâs it. Take the kid, I got custody of my kids now, I love my kids. Youâre not gonna be with that ***** anymore, blah-blah-blahâŠâ âWhere are the kids?â âWith my grandparents.â Very good, uhm-hmm-hmâŠ.Now itâs, usually what happens is break up time, just like the firstâŠif youâre gonna break up with your old lady, and ya live in a small town, make sure you donât break up at three oâclock in the morning cause your *******, thereâs nothing to do. You sit in the car all night, park somewhere. Yeah. So make, at least, ya know, make it about nine in the morning so you can go to the five and ten and ******* around and, worry them a little and come back at seven at night, ya knowâŠ.âOh, yeah never mindâŠ.Iâm getting an apartment, thatâs all, thatâs eh..â Yeah because if you, eh, a bad break up then itâs like a long time break up. If youâre married seven years then you gotta kick for two. Oh yeah. I think there must be a mitzvah time. i think if youâre married fifteen-eighteen years, you get divorced, then you must lose your mind. Yeah they get senile, then they people, they get whacked out. Thereâs a certain critical area theyâre married about seven-eight years where you really throw up for a couple of years. No really just âORGHJK-YKKGGHHâ, you know. And, the weird, if you broke up and you go anyplace alone, thereâs always mamzers who ask you about youâre wife. âWhereâs your old lady?â and I said, Chinese restaurants, âWhereâs Momo? How come you donât bring Momo in here anymore? Such a beautiful girl, whereâs Momo?â âLook, Iâm divorced.â âOh, you better off. You donât need her.â Whereâs MomoâŠNow if you, go back together, the danger time, and hereâs back to the religion again. Thereâs only one person youâre supposed to confess to. They are. Not anybody else. Priests, solid. But not husbands. They have no authority vested in them to hear any truth. So donât listen to any of their ****, ya know, because what happens, when thisâgo back together, guy calls up, âHello Vera, the only reason I called you, you left some of your crap over here. I donât know a handkerchief, a gloves. Listen I wanna come over, weâll shoot the ****, letâs see. Pay the tax bill.â Alright, back together, maybe kissing time, hugging time, in bed time. After bed time. âHey Vera, uh, when we were broken up, didja make it with a lot of guys? Donât be silly, said I donât mind you can make it with anybody, donât ******* meâŠ.what the hell, itâs good for the goose, good for the gander. We were legally separated, I made it with a lotta lotta chicks, youâre entitled to make it with a lot of guys. Iâd just like to know, for the hell of it, didja make it with a lot of guys? Howmanynanacâmon donât ******* me, Iâm not gonna hit you now, I wanna know! Iâm not gonna get mad, just for the hell of it, who did you make it with?â Donât tell him, donât cop out. Never cop out, if they got pictures deny it. Flat out. Just tell âem it was some *** hair dresser, thatâs allâŠthatsezya. Because if you ever do cop out, oh yeah, shih-shooo! âCâmon Iâm not gonna get mad, tell me, Iâd just like to know for the hell of it.â See, thatâs what chicks donât know about guys, that theyâŠitâs that entrapment. Maybe itâs because their fatherâs did that to them. âJust tell me, who? Him? PfffâŠI donât give a **** but, but this isâŠ.thatâs a shocker, thatâs hehâŠheh, thatâs the only thing is that it shocks me, Iâm not mad but it, sfyeh what a kick in the *** that is, likeâŠhow the hell could youâŠyou know what, you know why it shocks me cause you told me that you didnât like him, you told me you didnât want him over to the house, and ya goâŠhow could you make it with him? That fat, disgusting piece ofâyou **** pow. Thereâs a Peace Bond, schlepping away time, ah yes, with the Jewish mother in the middle with the teeth flying out vah-vah-vah!! The chenille robe, and uhâŠYeah, thatâs aâŠha-ha. Wouldnât this be, always wondered if ya get married again, the only problem with ever getting married again, if ya go, you have to go to some country where pfshhhâŠyou have to marry somebody who speaks a different language and doesnât speak any other language. Cause just in case, no but youâd always be afraid cause when your with the second old lady then you might say something in bed, and your wife would jump up behind the bed, âYou aaaâ-you saidâ oh god, âhow could you say that to her when you said it to me?â âI just ******* her, I donât love herâŠI just said that cause I knew you were behind the bed, thatâs all.â Uh-huhâŠJewish mothers, there are none thatâs the expose. Oh another expose, I really want to confess to you one thing you never knew about me andâŠ.I have a pen name. Ralph Gleason. Iâm Ralph Gleason. And I always wanted to uh, and youâre taking it good, I always thought youâd get ******* at me for that. In fact I wrote the column for years and just drifted into this and decided Iâd like to do a little comedy on the side and uh, you liked me and I thought I was doing good, so what the hell a few write ups donât hurt anybody. And uhâŠyouâre taking it good, thatâs lovely. I want you to know that, another thing too that Iâve never been in jail, never been arrested, thatâs all borshit. What it is see, I got a publicity agent thatâs dynamite, and we have nine phony cops that work for Pinkerton, and we go from town to town the same *******, ya know. I get busted, I write the column the next day, and thatâs where itâs atâŠheh. A few words now about Alaska and their stupidnessâŠand ind-aâŠAlaska, donât know if you know it or not, there are people up there that weâve given a lot of money to and try to help them. Given a lotta lotta money to Alaska, to create some kind of image, we gave them statehood and theyâre morons. They got one image, after all these years, some schmuck in front of a shack holding a fish knock. Thatâs all theyâve come up with, and some other nonsense fantasy that hookers get two-thousand dollars a minute for talking to people. If you probably go up there thereâs ten-million stranded ****** waiting to talk to somebody. âWhatâs the deal I thought there was supposed to be some talking, orâŠwe just got *******, right, thereâs nobody? Just hookers up hereâŠ.and Admiral Byrd. Heh-heh, he donât go for a nickel. Now hereâs a thought, I-I-IâveâŠ.this is hearsay. Somebody told meâsee they were usingâthe report was monkey glands on people, so you know, rejuvenate them, they live longer. Ok, now somebody told me they came back from Mexico, that theyâre using human glands. âSo-oh yeah? Well where do they get them?â âHas to be from live people.â Well people, there wasâdying, and uhâŠitâs very expensive. So thatâs what I said, what does it costs about a thousand dollars ya nowâŠso I got hip, a lot of people are dying a lilschip-schzzch thatâs uh, oh yeah, the hospitals a lil-bop-plah-bup, yuh, heâs dead, heâs almost dead, the hell is-uzzaâŠ.Sure youâre gonna see is the more demand, the first place the state insane asylums are gonna be emptied out quick psshhhh! Yeah, thatâs the first thing, all the nuthouses emptied out. All died very quickly, oh yeah, definitely. Because, all we have to doâŠsee our moral concept is whatâsâwhat, itâsâwhatâs accepted, what we will agree upon, thatâs what the moral concept is. Weâif we agree, thatâŠkilling a few will save the biggest, then weâll agree on it. Like thatâsâthatâs was the objection that Catholicism had for many years, that contraception is ******. It doesnât matter the degree of the ******, but-but since we all agreed on it now, contraceptionâ*******, itâs cool. So itâs just the degree. So..if it comes right down to it, if we wanna live a little longer, it wonât-it wonât be accepted, just the sophisticated class, the gentry will cook with it first, ya know. Yeah, âListen, I know a place and itâs ya nowâŠâ Yeah, and as soon asâthe first time the government controlâthen theyâll have the farms. Yeah, raising people to, uh, to live. Itâs a good liver, good heart, yeah. Youâll accept it, yeah, youâll see. When it comes right down to the go-you go bye-bye, âThese people donât know anything, theyâre raised for that purpose.â âYeah, ya sure?â âIâm telling youâŠthey like that.â Heh-ha! OK. âI wanna paper saying that he gave it upâŠoh and I canât take the guys liver and his heart and his *****, all that stuff?â âSure, are you kidding, heâs better off without it. He gets it the next time, donât you know that? Nine thousand years Iâve been living now, itâs aâŠyeah, itâs aâŠschhhwooâŠ.â