When I rang in the morning, amma asked ‘who is it?’
‘who is it’
In the same voice that she used in the olden days
Worried that she would have to serve coffee and snacks
When Jinu, Pradeep, Riyaz came calling
Amma, it is not the nair boy nor Pradeep from pallippuram, nor the Muslim boy Riyaz,
It is your son
‘who is it’
Amma, this is me,
What else shall I say?
Your son.
What other title do I have
Your Youngest
Born in old age
One who is supposed to look after his amma
Who left home
Who lived as he pleased
Who married without consent from those at home
Who failed many exams
Who used to wander around with strangers
Who used to drink and shout obscenities at the clergy
The butcher knife in amma’s chest
When again the question ‘who is it’
Falls in my ears,
Amma, what should I say?
The dark one of yesteryears became fair
Because of not going in the sun, amma
I cannot become dark even if I pretend, amma
I drank and drank and got all swollen up, amma
I smoked and smoked and became tired, amma
I shouted and shouted and became hoarse, amma
I read and read poems and overflowed, amma..
When amma asks again ‘who is it’
As though she didn’t know anything
I felt like answering I have become Thadiyantavida Naseer, having read too much news
I felt like answering that I have become A P Abdullakkutti having hankered after whatever I heard and saw
I felt like answering that I have become MA Yusuf Ali, tallying accounts again and again
I felt like answering I have become Kunjhalikkutty, having lusted after everyone I saw
Who is it, who is it, when the voice cracks asking, what more am I to say
Amma, who are you?
Why do you start as though you heard the question ‘who is the father?”
Do crows still visit the breadfruit tree on the northern side, amma?
Do you still scold, ‘hey breadfruit tree, you little minx, do not fall before you are grown enough!’, amma?
Is amma listening?
Do you understand?
What about Biran?
After his girl got married,
After his boy went to the gulf,
Biran doesn’t come
He is prosperous now,
Good fish are not available nowadays..
…
Was the tamarind tree fruitful this year, amma?
Did you dry the tamarind to make it into cakes to preserve it, amma?
Cannot down a morsel without buttermilk
In the morning, when I looked, all sourness was lost
moreover, the milk got curdled
…
Amma, wont you get up fast
Don’t we have to go to church?
There are lots of people there
There are lots of people there
I have taken the matchbox
Buy two candles (small, cheap ones)
Come, I will be here
It has been long since you lighted a candle for your father
…
I wrote my name
At the tip of a huge tree in our genealogy
It sways in a gentle wind
Brethren with whom I grew up
Say that it is because
Of intoxication
People say it is acting the fool
Some say that all that is needed is a beating
…
On the roots of a huge tree in the genealogy, amma,
You sprout little greens of new awareness
Still even in heavy winds
Your children, fruits of your womb, who knew the labour you went through
say it is because you are not in your right mind
People say it is acting the fool
Those who watch recommend tying up
Amma,
for me
and you,
what is consciousness,
trans from Malayalam by Anitha Varma