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Hannah Marr May 2018
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h.f.m.
Maybe I am undeserving
Or maybe I am incapable.
I am definitely capable.
But maybe I am not built.

For the pain and the loss.
For the remembering and the regret.
For the times I stay up
For the memories I cannot displace.

I am scared of not feeling.
I am scared of what I am feeling.
I am scared of being nothing
I am scared of being.

Why I am existing. Why I was made. Why I am here. Why am I loved. Why have I been abandoned. Why have I abandoned. Why am I hurt. Why was I betrayed. Why is it my fault. Why can't I be good. Why can't I complete my purpose. Why did you leave me. Why was I not good enough. Why did you make me. Why did you want me. Why did you ruin me. Why did I love. Why did I have to be incapable. Why was I not enough. Why are you expecting so much of me. Why don't I feel better. Why can't I stop. Why can't I be normal. Why do I have to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I don't want to feel. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL. I DON'T WANT TO FEEL. I DONJSJSIDIFIRKFNTKRLRLFMFNJFKKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL­LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLllLlAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJSJSKAKALAL­AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110011 01101000 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100110 01100001 01110101 01101100 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100101 01101110 01101111 01110101 01100111 01101000 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01100110 01100001 01110101 01101100 01110100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 01110011 00101110 00100000 01001001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100100 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00101110 00100000 01000010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110100 01110010 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01100100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01101001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110101 01110000 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101101 01111001 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01100010 01100101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01100101 01101100 01100110 01101001 01110011 01101000 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010

I am at your service.

It is my purpose.

To give what you need from me.

I Love You.

Always.

-Percy
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M  Sep 2018
Untitled
M Sep 2018
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child-like thoughts run through my mind in between the thoughts of adulthood coming at me
and all i can think about is the children's code
an infinite amount of everything out of anything
substituting words to mean something else

tongue we would only know
i'm feeling my youth tonight
so sit back while i speak to you in code:

the thought of complete bliss will always be the year of 2008
filled with sunny summer days
vampire weekend
and not a care in the world
adulthood so far away
the whole WORLD in our hands and all the ambition at our fingertips
memories tap into my brain constantly
tap tap tap
dot dot dash
.. / -- .. ... ... / -.-- --- ..-
repeat.
repeat.
repeat.

weekends filled with computer games
because that's what all the cool kids do right?
days of portal and nights of runescape

the sun is shining
we close the blinds to keep the glare away
we are chell

night time falls
creative gamertags emerge
we take on lumbridge together
mouthoil and lavenderbrwnie making their way

all on one screen of a complex calculator
binary running through it's circuits
01110111 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100111 01101111 00111111


symbols with a key
the easiest way to communicate on school grounds
passing notes
only we would understand

^(&$# RQH%QW%*D
E(H% R($T#% *%

I've seem to misplace the key
along with our time

almost 20
and our new method is a great one
poetry
so i'll give you something you're very good at breaking down:

it's raining harder in the backyard than the front
We both have that same feel
I don't even have to ask to know
but one day
the sun will come out
it'll be high noon
there will be sun and warmth all around the property
and we'll jump on the trampoline
tie dye some shirts
and talk in code once again

olive juice.

repeat.
repeat.
repeat.
for a friend.
not the cleanest.
Sid Lollan Aug 2017
◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊

(Authors of (obligatory)
Redemption: what is true genius if it ain’t dead yet?
Let you, who **** it, not be present for its resurrection.)

◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊

i had a nightmare:

i opened the door of my ranch-house in the boonies of
southern pa.
out-into the grasses of the old Congo;
There stood the Lion.
20 feet away
i, frozen in the magnitude of his vision;
spirit, dominated by his
completely;
Not even a growl.
i remained
paralyzed—he licked the backs of his paws
and combed a wiry mane...
…a halfa-second was a year if it was a halfa-second now...
but
somewhere in there
i regained my legs and without knowing
pivoted,
grabbed the doorknob. Twist. Open. Step inside.
turn to close the...doorway is gone, the house has vanished
And
HE WAS RIGHT ON TOP OF ME

i was nothing but-a body of plastic fear
molten,
melted and cast into mannequin limbs and head.
i could feel the Lion’s entire, real
spirit crushing spirt
on my hollow caste self.

his breathe stunk of blood that
forced my replicaego into infant curl…
…Finally, the beast roared a canyon
i shivered!
a shiver that shook inside my head
thru the spine to shake
my bones inside the bed.

Thru the constricting red curtain of bloodclot eye
spy the tiny eclipse
of the Black Crow inna massive sheet of african sun;
i must be dead already.
The Lion feels the Crow perched onna cape fig nearby
and his muscles tighten accordingly, his beastly hunger
displaced by boiled-blood anger.

Eye-to-Eye
with the beast
where Fear has reached saturation-point;
it is Nothing if it is Everything…
…the Crow lets out a hiss
like spikes of radio-static, interrupted by series
of whooping-caws…
…stomach vibrated by the Lion’s low,
almost internal growl. For the
first time, his tranquilizing orbs
divert from mine
to capture the Black Crow perched on the dying cape fig.
uncertainty taps my shoulder…then…i feel my body;
the weight releases
and as i motion to rise from the grass and dirt, the Congo dissolves and i’m
sitting up on my mattress with broken springs in the humid
summer slumber of southern pa.

◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊

-What security?
programmed,
under deep-cover;
jungian re-uploads. Them. Resurrected witha blackmarket
medicine a Witch Doctor devolution;
Replicate, regenerate, forever
<01100101 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101001 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01110010 01101111 01110111 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01100100>
Bottom feeding grave robbers and tomb vandals are all they are!-

-Better check what ya put down here…liable to shape a ghoul,
and you know this haunt is made-up of enough spooks-

◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊

Professors of chaos preach:
O wanderers!
write me the manifesto
walking atop a line of hot coals
-I smell me some burning soles-

(They intend to:
Pour, pure from cold-clear spring-spout
      into muddy-brown-clay, dissolved,
rushing against dried-up bones of gully-walls…
…the Crow just sits above
         and laughs there

Don’t ya see it?)

History
is not about the past,
but
about what the present
can mold the past
into
for the future.
-the marble’s trajectory sure to
flip onnit’s axis d’pending on which record you dig-

(One mistake
can a coward make
or
one accident happen
up-on that a martyr stake’d.
etched in the rut of each separate fate;)


The lion
must roar for his P R I D E
        (or?)
lion wears his hide
as a mascot
Black Crow eats crow egg blues
        black crow spotted me yellow in the bushes
pants down, gun-in-hand
-send your prayers-

◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊
Zero Nine Nov 2017
Set the mood
Redline
Build the hill
Fill that stem
Inhale. Hold it in.
Take that breath
Relax. Just relax.

I'm  waving the smoke away
Both hands  extensions of
the atrium  that primes the pump
I'm  beating as bleating
Green veil  is parted re  -  vealed
Reveals  the one I'm afraid of  -  the
old me

I'm  counting days defeated
Dead days  used my blood took
the look that I sculpted and weaponized  - it
as something other

Set the mood
Lazerhawk
Build the hill
Fill that stem
Inhale. Hold it in.
Take that breath
Relax. Relax. Relax.

How am I  a slave to myself  I wonder
I wonder

How am I  a slave?

How am I  a slave to myself  I wonder
I wonder

I  ride the ghost train
I  deify  the old ghosts  -  I
I  never meant to board forever  -  I
Am shadow. Am product. The Ubik.
I  deify  the past as answer  -

nothing left to say
nothing left to say

(01101100 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100101 00100000 00100001 01101100 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100101 00100000 00100001 01101100 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100101 00100000 00100001 01101100 01100101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100101 00100000 00100001)
Nine is the number. 3 x 3. The grid and the line's end.

— The End —